A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.
Page 7 of 12 < 1 2 ... 5 6 7 8 9 11 12 >
Topic Options
#2218937 - 02/05/12 01:25 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: abbey1989]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4851
Loc: Florida
Abbey,

This will continue until YOU decide that honesty and fidelity in your marriage is more important than having your flannel nighie laid out, and your deceitful husband making you grilled cheese and coup.

He's playing you, HE knows he's playing you, YOU know he's playing you, and -- most destructively -- HE KNOWS THAT YOU KNOW that he's playing you . . . and yet you allow it to continue.

It's completely up to you. But DON'T expect anything to change.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
#2219216 - 02/06/12 04:25 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: abbey1989]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10612
Loc: west coast
Abbey

sorry you are under the weather.

But a grilled cheese dinner and trip to the store when you are sick, would not undo 3 years of lying and adultery, for me. I don't know his or your financial situation, other possible reasons for carrying on like this, kids, a home, etc

or if he's simply

a serial cheater, who likes to cake eat a LOT, and also feel good about himself.

My question is whether you really read and PROCESSED what we wrote to you?

I didn't feel that way. I didn't feel "heard".

Are you still mulling it over or what?

As far as confronting him, What is there to "prove"? Why bother?

He'll deny/deny/deny. OJ did that with his wife (before he killed her) and with the women he was seeing later. It is a philosophy many adulterers live by.

They will deny a photograph of them in bed w/OW, and say it was photoshopped.

You will not get them to admit what they've done. They will deny it, always.

So please do NOT expect him to own ANY of this.

IF you caught him in bed he'd say it was the first time, "a one time mistake" AND that you were neglecting him so in a way, it's not his fault...it's yours.

Your decision is whether a slice of attention now and then, like a sandwich when you're sick---and all the mind games you two seem to play,

is a marriage.


Do you feel his guilt is somehow empowering to you? Like it's leverage?

See, I don't get that at all.

But I do Hope you feel better.

(( ))
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2219261 - 02/06/12 06:45 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: 25yearsmlc]
angel61 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/29/10
Posts: 1048
Loc: California
Exactly what 25 said. I felt exactly the same when I read your post - its as if all our efforts were ignored.

Abbey, I think you actually LIKE being a victim.....you have a martyr complex.....there must be something that you are getting out of it to be able to stay in this situation....
_________________________
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go

Top
#2219270 - 02/06/12 07:07 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: angel61]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 12034
Hold on, folks

Remember, this has been a long and successful marriage with kids.

It is possible that this is a midlife crisis type aberration on his part, possibly one that is winding down in the face of positive changes on Abbey's part. We don't know.

And I don't think Abbey is playing the victim here. I do think she's a bit scared of the changes that would happen with divorce - which is perfectly rational - and is hoping her H will eventually get over his affair - which may well happen (after all, he hasn't left for her yet, now, has he?).

I think, though, Abbey, that what you're hearing from everyone here is the frustration that your H is continuing to lie - and perhaps getting the truth out into the open is the push needed now to effect change.

Top
#2219320 - 02/06/12 08:46 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: angel61]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 247
Loc: Southern California
Originally Posted By: angel61
And Abbey, what if after all the waiting and hoping that the A fizzles out, what if it doesn't and you get the bomb?


.....my whole purpose for being here is to try to save my M. I would think that the majority of people in my situation would have bailed. Do you think I should just walk away?

We have been married for 22 years and have two wonderful children in college. Lots of $$$ involved there to support them on their journey. We own a home and a business together. No I don't enjoy playing the "victim" and I am sorry if I come across that way. I do appreciate your words an am just trying to figure out what I am going to do at this point. I am 47 and the idea of starting over in every aspect of my life frankly scares the crap out of me.
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14

Top
#2219325 - 02/06/12 08:51 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: kml]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 247
Loc: Southern California
Originally Posted By: kml
I think, though, Abbey, that what you're hearing from everyone here is the frustration that your H is continuing to lie - and perhaps getting the truth out into the open is the push needed now to effect change.


Trust me....H continuing to lie has been at the forefront of my mind for a very very long time.

I am trying to figure out the best way to discuss this with my H, hopefully free of emotion. I think about this all day long. Every day. What to say or not say. Once I say it, can't take it back. So that's where I am.
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14

Top
#2219328 - 02/06/12 08:53 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: abbey1989]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 12034
Don't let that fear keep you stuck, Abbey.

I understand why you want to fight for your marriage - but it may be that now, the best way to fight FOR it is to open the windows and let the truth in. What you've been doing is just keeping you stuck. And you are losing respect for him every day that this goes on this way.

Don't be afraid - if your marriage does collapse, there is a whole world out there of adventures to be had. But I think it is equally likely that your H will be somewhat relieved when things are out in the open, and that he'll choose you. After all, as I said before - he hasn't exactly been in a rush to go off and be with her, now, has he? She's probably getting kinda mad at him by now.

Top
#2219353 - 02/06/12 10:13 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: kml]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
Yeah Abbey1989, I agree with what kml. You came here to save your M and you want to be sure you do the right thing, in the right way. Nobody can fault you for that. I think it's just painful for people to watch you writhe in so much pain because we've all been there! Please, use this board how YOU want to and don't let anyone else tell you how you need to or should be doing it. Lord knows you've had enough control of your M taken from you. Don't let how you need to deal with this be taken or coerced away from you as well. Take what people say and use it if it's helpful. If it's not helpful, then leave it. I'm here to empower you, OK?

I'm unpopular sometimes because I don't necessarily agree with not confronting. By going along and not bringing it out in the open is contributing to the secrecy and thus the intensity. I wasn't an am not interested in being a silent threesome.

I didn't come to these boards until the A had been over for 5 months. I've told it before and I will tell it again. BEFORE I knew about DB, I had strong suspicions that my H's EA was more than that. And YES, he did deny it. I do believe now that my confronting him and ow set in motion the demise of their A. I would do it all over again. That is just me. I like DB because it addresses what needs to change in both partners. But hold that thought.....

I just knew I wasn't going to be able to live in a M where I wasn't the one he was completely devoted to. I also knew that confronting him and ow could possibly lead to his choice to leave. I was ready for that to happen. I guess what I am saying is that you will get to a point where you need it to change. Sounds like you are gearing up for that.

And as far as it taking this long....c'mon people, Jack3Beans told me when I started out on here that I could be in for a long ride as far as MLC is concerned. He was right, it can take a long time. Looking back, I can identify H's MLC starting in 2002! Hopefully we are on the tail end of it.

Yeah, I had to change things and I did. H is now changing things too. I fear that we would still be in the gallows if I hadn't decided that I, yes, as in ME.....I was ready for it to change and I was willing to take responsibility for it "going wrong." But this allowing cake eating for months and months is insane! Not me, uh uh...not for me...not going to share my H.

Do you know what I'm saying? It's you, it's about you. You know what he is doing is wrong, you know how much it hurts you. So, your decisions about what to do have to be in your own best interest. In mine, I KNEW it would destroy me to let the secrecy go on. I decided I'd rather not have that M at all if he wanted to do that. I was very clear about that! I think it was that attitude that made it work. It was not a manipulative play to coerce. I meant business! I wanted more from him and our M. And if he couldn't give it, well then, I didn't want it. That's another spin for GAL.
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Top
#2219355 - 02/06/12 10:29 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: MynameisMZ]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
BTW, there was one thing our MC said in one session that clicked with my H. She said, "I can't choose to not get cancer, I can choose to not cheat." It was a wake-up for him that he actually COULD choose monogamy. Imagine that!.....eye-roll....Before that he will readily admit that he felt no control over himself. Another eye-roll.... but you can't argue with what's in people's minds if it stays in there. We then explored the roots of that and well, now we have some very good discussions about the A, the ow and how it all happened. Sometimes we even laugh about it. Imagine that! No eye-roll this time.
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Top
#2219381 - 02/07/12 12:09 AM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: MynameisMZ]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
Just to layer on with MZ. My IC believes men are often SO SIMPLE. The OW simply makes them feel good about themselves. I've been saying what I think are basic statements to my H like "I wonder what our marriage would be like if you put the same energy into our marriage as your affair?" From the look on his face, I can tell he hadn't ever thought about it.

For me, I had evidence from text messages/internet that my H was obsessively texting another woman. I found out within 6 weeks of it starting. I confronted H and he initally denied a PA. We went to a MC and the MC told him to tell me the truth and answer any of my questions. That night, he admitted to a PA and answered my questions.

Now, my H has then continued the A and wanted to stay married for the last 5 months. I've told him we need to separate now that the holidays are done because I can't live like this anymore. Frankly, for me, it's been worth having it out in the open and while I did the DB-ing approach...I also felt like I needed H to know I knew.

I'm not sure much makes a difference when your H is in an affair. However, if you aren't happy...something has to change. Either change yourself and decide to just put up with what seems like an affair....or, let him know you suspect something, and you don't want to live like this.

From what I've read about affairs, your H could have an affair where he gets a couple needs met by the OW, and other needs met by you. Those types of affairs can continue for a long time unless someone forces the issue. (I've read examples where they last 30 years)

On the other hand, if the OW has any sort of self esteem, she has to be getting tired of this too. However, if it's already gone on this long, she may just be in it for a couple needs to and she may not care about any long-term relationship with your husband.

You sound to me like you are at the point where you know something has to change. I just don't see how talking to your H can make things much worse. Frankly too, I swear my H doesn't remember most of our conversations...so even if you say something "wrong"...he'll probably forget it in his affair fog.

Wishing you strength!
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

Top
Page 7 of 12 < 1 2 ... 5 6 7 8 9 11 12 >


Moderator:  Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004