Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 11 12
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
what KML said ^^^^

do you really want this man as your mate for life, or do you just not want to "lose"?

that's not meant to be offensive; it's a question we ALL have to ask ourselves when another party (OW) is involved...

there's an inherent competitiveness in us that makes us cling to something --that we don't really want IF someone else wants it--happens in stores all the time. You put the blouse back b/c you don't think it'll flatter you, but when another woman goes to get it, suddenly you DO want it, now that you reconsidered...

so you will have to dig deep on this question...

B/C i have to wonder what kind of life you are going to have with him...ever...

if this does not change very soon. And even then, what?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 328
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 328
Abbey my heart goes out to you! I have lived through two A's that my W has had in the past so I know the pain you are suffering. Currently we are living together but she says we are seperated and I can tell you that if I were to find out now if she were having another A that that would be the end the M for me. Where there is smoke there is fire and if your gut is telling you he's having an A then chances are he is. I'm sorry to be blunt about it.

You have to ask yourself if this is what you really want. My opinion is is that you deserve better than this and you need to stand up to your H. Now I'm not suggesting that you do something "crazy" but from my experiences your H is in control of your M right now and he knows he can do as he pleases because you want so desperately to make things work. I know this because it was one of the things my W told me after her last A. She knew she could do whatever she wanted and she knew she had all the power in our M/R because she knew I wanted her back in the worst way possible.

It wasn't until I finally woke up one day and had had enough of everything and moved back to my parents that things began to change. Now I'm not proud of what happened when I moved back to my parents nor am I advocating this but what really woke up my W at that time was the fact that I started seeing someone. I never had any intentions of doing something like that but at that time the pain of rejection and the feeling of loneliness consumed me. That act could have very well ended my M but it didn't it was a wake up call to my W and she came to realize that at that time she did not want to get a D. Like I said we were fortunate at that time to get through all of that but I do regret how things came about.

I guess my point to you is is that I think it's time for you to take care of YOU. I don't think your H's behavior will stop until you put a stop to it. As long as you allow him to do what he is doing he won't stop. I'm sorry to say this but I'm saying this to help you but he is treating you like a doormat, just as my W did to me. It's up to you to stop this madness but you need to do it the right way not the way I did it. I hope you don't think I'm out of line here but I'm just giving you some food for thought. Your H is playing you for a fool and I think it's in YOUR best interest to put an end to it.


M 44 W 43
S 23 S 15
INILWY 9/11
Divorce Mediation started 3/13
June 30 the day W is moving out
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
HI Abbey,

Ok, I am convinced that your H is doing something behind his back, after reading your long list. Sorry about doubting you, its just that I can't wrap my head around the idea that this has been going on for 3 years now and yet nothing is happening. Its almost like the two of you are playing a game of who can last the longest. The latest posts from kml, leopold and 25 were all so spot on, I can't help but agree with them.

I think you and your H are in a codependent situation. He won't leave for some reason because the situation suits him. This is really very selfish of him. YOu can't rock the boat because of your fear.

Honestly, I don't know what to tell you.

But maybe, we can think of something solid and consructive for you to work with.

You gave us a list of what your H has been doing to prove that he is having an A.

Now, you have read a lot of books, have been given so much advice. YOu probably have tried a few things here and there to rectify the situation, right?

Can you list down all these things and think about which of those have worked, and which have not worked (I am guessing there's more of this than the other category)? Then maybe, it will give a better picture of whats wrong and whats missing.

As they say, in a relationship, both of you are responisble in making it work.

While its true that you can't change your H, is there anything that you can do to change to move this sitch along? Is the Abbey posting today the same one as the Abey posting 3 years ago, or is it an imporved version?


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,157
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,157
This is an EXCELLENT discussion.


Another problem with exposure/confrontation is that it's irreversible. You can't take it back, and you can lose control of the momentum it sets in motion.


dbmod
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 251
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 251
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

do you really want this man as your mate for life, or do you just not want to "lose"?



Wow that is a really good question. I have been in this limbo mode for so long now, I guess I really do need to think this through. There are times when I long for how we used to be, light, airy, spontaneous and fun. And then when I think about all of the lying that has been going on, I think why? Why do I even care? Then I get angry, sad, jealous, but again...why? Maybe you are right and I just don't want to lose.

There is so much that I really admire and love about my H, but also have found through the years that he can be secretive and sneaky which is not so admirable or attractive.

He is always respectful and kind to my face. We live well together but there is no passion. None. And I'm almost to the point where I am done trying.

Thank you for checking in with me. I really appreciate it. smile


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 251
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 251
So on Saturday, OW was conducting another one of her annoying classes, and I managed to get H to agree to go away with me. So he missed the rainwater reclaimation class. Bummer! ha ha.

We camped in Joshua Tree and had a really nice time. Great hiking and beautiful weather.


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 251
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 251
Originally Posted By: angel61
HI Abbey,

Can you list down all these things and think about which of those have worked, and which have not worked (I am guessing there's more of this than the other category)? Then maybe, it will give a better picture of whats wrong and whats missing.

While its true that you can't change your H, is there anything that you can do to change to move this sitch along? Is the Abbey posting today the same one as the Abey posting 3 years ago, or is it an imporved version?



Great response. Thank you. Will work on that! I am somewhat sad to say that when I think about where I was 3 years ago, I've kind of gone full circle and feel back where I started. Will think more on this....thank you angel!


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: abbey1989
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

do you really want this man as your mate for life, or do you just not want to "lose"?



Wow that is a really good question. I have been in this limbo mode for so long now, I guess I really do need to think this through.

do not underestimate the power of inertia. Heck, it's how half the couples got here in the first place.

It is also the reason so MANY elderly folks on their death beds, tell us NOT what they regret doing the most, but what they regret NOT doing...

Abbey-you are plain old stuck. Your pain and limbo is what you have become used to.

Your fear is more about KNOWING the truth than the truth itself, imo.

B/C once it's out there, a response is more or less expected...or you'd be admitting that you are accepting the unacceptable, which you are, and have been, for some time.

But "letting it out of the bag" officially somehow seems harder. It's a little wacky but I understand it. No offense meant by that, btw.



There are times when I long for how we used to be, light, airy, spontaneous and fun. And then when I think about all of the lying that has been going on, I think why?


OR do you ask, "was that even real?" I think the danger in allowing a facade/charade to go on, among other things, is that it undermines our perceptions of life in general.

We start questioning ALL our judgements and our world view.

Decision making becomes an ordeal.

When my BIL left my younger sister "J" out of the blue, she was so shocked that she became paralyzed emotionally for a solid 2-3 years. Endlessly debated who he was, the past and then, her every choice...I learned a lot about what NOT to do.

So when my older sister told me that I had begun to "sound like J"-first I wanted to hang up.

But then I realized "hey, she's right. I'm circling the drain with this situation going in circles, ever closer to drowning and I'm giving h ALL MY power. Time to get MY life back!..."

Don't let your h "Gaslight" you.
(A reference to a film in which the h tries to convince his w she is insane by hiding things she put in one place, and pretending things are one way when they are not. He gets her ALMOST to break...)


Why do I even care? Then I get angry, sad, jealous, but again...why? Maybe you are right and I just don't want to lose.

That is worth considering. Think hard about it. Pray that God gives you the humility to admit it, if it is true.

And So is the concept of simply not wanting upheaval in your life, AND OR doing the ostrich thing w/your head in the sand. You would not be the first.
But if it is that, know that only YOU can change these dynamics. HE WON'T.


There is so much that I really admire and love about my H, but also have found through the years that he can be secretive and sneaky which is not so admirable or attractive.

He CAN be? Honey, he IS secretive and sneaky. Has been for so long...he's just good at it. You know, when my h was in his mlc, one phrase he'd say that drove me nuts (and which I used in my stand up comedy routine)

was how he would not tell me something upsetting (and wrong of him)

b/c he "did not want to hurt me"...like he was a hero for lying!! WTH??

When did it become NOBLE to lie? Oh wait I know, it's noble when THEY do it.


He is always respectful and kind to my face.

[color:#CC0000]
sure makes it easier on YOU...oh wait...and it's easier on HIM! HE gets the best of both worlds. You get squat.

Most men/women don't or can't cheat for long term. The OPs want more or the spouse finds out or they fall in love and leave the spouse....

but there are charming users who CAN CHEAT Long term. They want it all. They do what OJ did. Cheat, lie, and "Deny, deny, deny"...and that is a quote.


[/color]

We live well together


what does that mean? You make little demands of him as a lover? I get that You don't insist on fidelity, but do you even get some of his--"h passion"?


but there is no passion. None. And I'm almost to the point where I am done trying.

Thank you for checking in with me. I really appreciate it. smile



You are welcome. Sorry you are here, but am glad you don't want to be.

You know YOU have to be the catalyst for change or this will go on until either the OW forces him to leave you, or he finds another, or it does not end. 3 years at it is a pattern. Not a "MLC" or even a regular WAH. Just a cheater.

Might be making plans for an exit or biding his time, but I don't recall the kids ages or finances...
You want your life to change? You want it to be better? Change must come from your end. It's just got to be you. Do you get that?

So, how can we support you?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Nothing unreasonable about saying "H, I know you've been lying to me about OW all these years, and I'm not willing to go on this way. What do you propose we do about this?"

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,050
I think 25 did such a good job with explaining why your sitch is frustrating! I love the way she says that you need to be a catalyst for change.

As it is, you are just happy with the "crumbs" that your H gives you. You are happy with your little "victories" - like being able to take him away for a day - just like you described when you and H went camping in Joshua tree, you were happy that you had a good day together and was able to stop them from seing each other that day.

But I will ask you, what good did that do for you in the long run? Will it change things? Your H may just chalk it to another "crumb" he is handing you, and could easily go and see OW the next few days after, and spend "quality time" with her instead of sitting listening to a boring lecture. Have you thought of that ? Maybe he just said "OW, I will go and humor W today by going with her camping. Don't worry, I won't sleep with her, but when I come back, we could have a really fun time together .... by ourselves..."

So your win is a hollow one, one that does not have any meaning. What we are asking you here is to think of how you can do something which can bring about real change. Your H has to know that you cannot go on not knowing why he is changing, that you have needs that he has to consider.


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Page 5 of 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 11 12

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard