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On days like this, I can't keep my mind on now. It goes back. We were in love. We were so happy. Life was... fantastic. What I had always dreamed of. Walks in the park with the kids and a basket full of picnic food. Where did it go?

And it goes to the future. Will living in two houses break my youngest daughter the way it broke my oldest? By middle school, the kids of divorce and the kids of solid homes have mostly separated into two groups. My kids will go over to their friend's house with the alcoholic parent and the fish-out-of-water step-parent and have to decide whether to join in when their friends start with the drinking and drugs.

I know kids with married parents have problems, too. "Kids are resilient. They will bounce back from this." Grr! I hate it when people say that. Even more than I hate when they say, "If it's meant to be, then.." whatever it is they say. I'm not sure what people say after that because the fatalism makes everything I see and hear go red, if that is possible.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
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Originally Posted By: AlwaysTrying
On days like this, I can't keep my mind on now. It goes back. We were in love. We were so happy. Life was... fantastic. What I had always dreamed of. Walks in the park with the kids and a basket full of picnic food. Where did it go?


And you have to honor those memories. If not, you will become what you have accused your spouse of being.

You were happy, and in love. Doesn't mean it can't happen again....

Cherish and honor that part, and own the bad parts too. One can't go without the other.

Smile when you think of those things. Without all of them, you wouldn't have to worry about this....... \/ \/ \/


Quote:

And it goes to the future. Will living in two houses break my youngest daughter the way it broke my oldest? By middle school, the kids of divorce and the kids of solid homes have mostly separated into two groups. My kids will go over to their friend's house with the alcoholic parent and the fish-out-of-water step-parent and have to decide whether to join in when their friends start with the drinking and drugs.

I know kids with married parents have problems, too. "Kids are resilient. They will bounce back from this." Grr! I hate it when people say that. Even more than I hate when they say, "If it's meant to be, then.." whatever it is they say. I'm not sure what people say after that because the fatalism makes everything I see and hear go red, if that is possible.


Kids are resilient...although that doesn't happen automatically.

It becomes more of what they see. Kids learn from watching the actions of the people they love the most. They respect, and emulate what they want to be like. We, as parents, seldom to have a chance to see that. The daily aspects of life get in the way. It comes so natural to us, and to them, that we fail to bear witness to it.

They feed off of strength, and they learn character through their parents actions. They will triumph, and they will struggle. Love them through both, and show them the way.

Through that, they BECOME resilient....

They absorb what we teach...

Don't be afraid to tell them that it is NOT okay to do the things that you know they shouldn't.

Don't be afraid to let them F up too...

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I'm starting to feel calm again. And I've realized that I can be stronger and be doing better at this.

The great thing about how I've sent her an email every couple of days for the last few months is that I can stop and she'll notice right away. It's a place I can demonstrate change and willingness to change.

And for the next month, I will work really hard on not trying to change her mind. I don't know if I know how to have an R-conversation with her without asking leading questions or tugging on her emotions.

I have to accept that in her own limited way, she is giving us time to get better. So, if we have two months, I'll work on giving space as much as possible for two months. I'll learn how to cook. I'll put my love and effort into the house our children live in and give my kids as close to 100% dad as we can manage.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 243
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I'm trying to do a 180 on cooking. My wife always made dinner and I know she thinks that I can't or won't do it. Well, I can and I will, but I stink pretty badly at it.

It's not just making dinner, but making dinner while I try to keep S6 and D3 from killing each other or trashing the house without resorting to TV babysitter.

S6 asked for mac & cheese this morning, but I'm not enthused about that since it was one of my go-to foods all this time I have not known how to cook. Maybe I can find a way to make the mac&cheese, but make it a side.

Maybe I can do something with chicken, broccoli, tomatoes... I want to try stir fry again, but that seems like an odd fit with mac&cheese. I should just go with stir-fry. Kids are not going to be unhappy with that on the table.

And I'll get some respect from the wife. I know the 180s are supposed to be for me, but I'm going to do the things she notices.

One of my GAL activities actually has little appeal to my wife and is not very lifey, so I've been having doubts about it. I have been spending a lot of time working on a facebook game, which means time spent alone on the computer working away. Having the time and energy to do it is a 180. I've toyed with making a game most of my life with lots of starts and halfway done projects. I'm doing this.

When I have something online for other people to play, my W will respect that, but for the time being, producing it is actually isolating me.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
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Originally Posted By: AlwaysTrying
And I'll get some respect from the wife. I know the 180s are supposed to be for me, but I'm going to do the things she notices.

When I have something online for other people to play, my W will respect that, but for the time being, producing it is actually isolating me.


How will you take it if your W doesn't respond with respect?


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
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AlwaysTrying - invest in a crockpot. Dump meat, veggies, whatever in, set it, and forget it!

Google crockpot recipes and you'll find alot of info.

Don't be expecting angels to start singing when you do cook your first meal. (j/k) NO expecations from your wife, remember!!!!


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
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My wife doesn't have to respect the food. She only criticized what I made last Saturday. But she did come to dinner, and I liked that. She liked that I made something, just not the result so much.

Respect from the kids is enough reason to do it. Yeah, I'm not going to be upset if W pretends not to care, but I know that she does care, and it matters to everyone else. No big deal, but I'm choosing this as a 180 rather than just making some ravioli because I know it is something she'll notice.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 243
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Dinner was a success/disaster. I succeeded in bringing people closer to me. My wife, D15, and two family friends probably would not have been over for dinner if I was making mac&cheese.

I also made some pretty fantastic blunders. Kids were trying to kill each other as I was starting dinner, and diffusing the situation distracted me. I forgot to make the rice. Stir-fry... no rice. I'll try again next week.

Meanwhile, W was in the bedroom being by herself while I wrestled with the situation. At one point, I was tempted to call her and ask for help, then I remembered how good it feels to ask her for help and decided against it. Just as I felt I was getting things back under control with the kids, she came out and took S6 upstairs to read.

After dinner, W made a comment along the lines of "Isn't so easy, is it?" to me. I don't think I showed her how frustrated this made me. I just said that I know it's not easy and I never ever said anything different. I know it is hard to put dinner on the table without using the TV as a babysitter. I'm extremely angry about how we are short-changing our kids.

Her comment just seemed so out-of-touch to me.

So my new 180 is - I'm not going to tell her. I'm not going to email her, call her, or text her about it.

I've just spent 29 hours at the house, with my kids. It feels like home, for a short while. It's just one day out of the week I get to have that. I know other people have it worse, but getting to sleep Saturday night after leaving my home and coming to my little room just [censored].

It's a sinking feeling leaving that house, and it happens every time. And the sinking doesn't stop for hours and hours. I end up surfing youtube until 3AM because I don't know what else to do to make myself feel OK.

Not tonight. I felt the sink, but I'm going to just go to sleep and wake up in plenty of time for church for once.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
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Hange in there AT, Good for you for putting in all the effort. Focus on the successes. Its got to be frustrating to make the effort and get a remark like that. Hope you can acknowledge the hurt and just move on.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
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Her comment that it is't so easy is it could have provided (could still provide) an opportunity to understand her better if you stop being defensive. People don't say things like that just to push your buttons, they say it from their frame of reference. She obviously felt at some point that she was working harder than you appreciated or understood. You might accept that she perceived things that way, even if you think you did understand and appreciate. She did not, or those words wouldn't have occurred to her.

I'm not saying mind read, I'm saying the opposite. Take a stab at understanding what she's saying and maybe even ask her about it in a non-defensive way.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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