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#2231459 - 03/17/12 04:36 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Just a couple things, Snowman.

First, the dinner and cupcakes was funny... until you pushed a bit and she said not to read into it... if you give her the idea and have no expectations, then maybe she will... one day... when she's "liking" you...

My W at one point offered to do things for me, like cut my hair (she used to buzz my hair every few months)... but she never did... and then... sometimes she would make banana bread "for the kids" and send it with them to visit me...

Also, my W still "volunteers" me for stuff without asking me first. It's uncomfortable to say no, but I'm just feeling like I have to be more firm with those boundaries.

A simple statement reminding them to ask first when those things come up might help. I don't know, I don't have enough experience yet to know it's working for me.

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#2231479 - 03/17/12 06:36 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
Kaffe thanks for the feedback. I didn't mean to push it but it was a text conversation so it hard to know really what a person is saying with no tone or body language to go with the words and I told that to her when I asked the question. She understood as far as I can tell.

I think I'm still somewhat competing with OM as I did the cell phone record check (I know) and there is a number that I know that still pops up but nothing like it use to and action on the cell phone as calmed way down.

I did tell her about the book "working on your marriage without talking about it" as she asked me about any books I have read and said she would get a copy(she has a nook).

She ran a half marathon yesterday and sent me a pic from a hike she went on. That is the first time in a long time she has done that. I was so surprised. She told me the run was hard because it was into the wind and I chatted with her briefly and let her talk to our S.

I don't know but things seem to get a little better each day. We still have not talk like she said once I got back from my trip but we will I figure. We will see what next week brings.

Any other advice DBer's? I know your out there somewhere.
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

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#2231566 - 03/18/12 12:17 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1286
Snowman -

Yep. Our situations seems to be very similar at the moment, but I think you may be a few weeks behind me. Granted, in the grand schema of things here that means squat. Funny - I bought my wife a copy of "How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" too. She told me that she didn't like it at first....too "scientific". However, she did read all of it and we have talked about it in brief.

I sympathize with you greatly in this limbo of "maybe she will maybe she won't". However I am taking solace in the fact that at least my wife and I are getting along together...very well, actually. That gives me hope - and I think that each positive interaction is slowly.....let me say that again.....sloooowly helping tip things a bit. We have spent a lot of time together with our son recently and we seem to be really enjoying it. No hand holding or other intimacy, but there a have been a few nice hugs. Small, but I didn't see that as possible 5 months ago.

I am probably not the best person to give this advice, but do the best you can to compartmentalize the legal sh*t from all of the other positive things going on with your relationship. It is VERY hard for me to do because the two things are very related. Nonetheless, treat them as two separate things. It has helped me to never, ever discuss the legal crap with my w. I think that would make her feel some kind of pressure that right now she just doesn't need. My time is almost up, my D will be final 5/8 - so I know the day is coming when I will have to ask her about what's on her mind. Until then, I am content to take my small steps in progress. I would suggest you do the same.

Bond with your son. Do as much with him as you can. That has helped me, him AND my w's perception of me as a father (I think). That has been one real benefit from this whole ordeal - my life with my son (will be 2 in 2 weeks) is great. That has helped bridge the back and forth gap between two homes. It doesn't stop hurting, leaving him behind with my w....and I know it hurts for her too. But I honestly think that he has (and will) play a role in the restoration of our marriage.

Sounds like you are making some progress. Take your time and enjoy it. When you are on your own, enjoy the solitude....if you pine for you wife or son it turns to loneliness and that is a hole you want to stay out of.

Crimson

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#2232550 - 03/22/12 03:04 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Crimson]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
Update and vent- Well my W and I still have not talked about any R talk even though she said she would like to after I got back from my trip. I'm so confused and lost by this.

Venting-I went to the soccer coaches meeting with my W that signed up to be the coach and informed me later that she will be gone for sure 2 of the games and maybe 2 others for races she will be running. I also ending up chasing my S around the whole time and didn't get to hear anything of the meeting. On top of that I played soccer for many many years and my W never played so I find it funny she is going to coach and the whole rest of the room was men that we coaching.

How h*ll can someone that is divorcing me and then say that they want to maybe work on things but won't talk about it and ask me to coach with them or for them? Things have been very amenable but this just still bothers me. My W also informed me tonight she has signed up for like 6 or more other races. I love that she is doing her running that she loves but I first thought in my head, man I must just be the babysitter. My W asked to bring our running stroller (that my sister let us borrow) to the soccer meeting and my W was dressed in her running clothes at the meeting. I will admit her running was a point of contention as I always felt like that all she wanted to do. I'm somewhat of a homebody so I was ok with it but this much running on top of her work, school, trips, soccer coaching, and whatever else is crazy to me.

I want to be supportive and work on our M if she is open too but she keeps saying she is too busy at work to even reply to the one email I sent just asking if we were going to talk since I'm back from my trip now. Sorry but using I'm busy at work to even respond to an email for days is a lame excuse for me. I asked her tonight after the meeting and delivering the stroller to her if we could talk and she said she had been so busy at work again so she didn't have time to reply. I said I'm her now so we could discuss whatever. She said not in front of our S which is ok I guess but I didn't plan on fighting with her or even say much. I said well you are welcome to call or come over anytime when you want to talk. I know I have probably broken the rules and it seems like I'm pursuing but really I just want to talk if that's what she wants to do. I could sit here and guess why she has not yet but I'm done doing that.

Ok, am I being irrational about the soccer thing or what as well as all the running races? I love my S and love to watch him but not to just be a babysitter for all her fun and to fill in for a responsibility that she signed up for without asking me about it. I guess we will see what happens after some more time. Vent done.

I got some relief by going to a movie with a friend. It was a comedy so I feel better but I had to get that off my chest. Let me know what you all think.
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

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#2232585 - 03/22/12 09:11 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4652
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Snowman
I guess we will see what happens after some more time.



Hmmmmm, that doesn't sound like much of a plan. Maybe that's part of the problem? confused


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2232773 - 03/23/12 12:15 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Starsky309]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
Starsky, it is not much of a plan but my wife texted me today and finally said lets met Saturday to chat about things. I don't have expectations at this point as I shouldn't and have learned my lesson about applying any pressure so I will see where the conversation goes.

I'm thinking about finishing the letter I have written and giving it to her that I was recommended to day further back in my stitch. What do you think?

Any other advice for my upcoming conversation?
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

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#2232779 - 03/23/12 01:12 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Regarding the letter, SM... what you do with it will be up to you.

Why I say this is, you could finish it and send it to your W before the chat, or not... you could finish it now and send it after the chat... you could wait to the chat to finish it... you could finish it and never send it...

But in the end, if you do end up finishing it, as mentioned, short, concise, clear, from the heart, honest, not focused on her, rather what you have learned, would have done different, etc...

But...

The chat could be a good one... or it could be a bad one... that's up to you... how you listen to what she has to say and whether you react or become defensive...

She asked to chat to you... it wasn't necessarily an open invitation to chat AT HER... even if she asks for your opinion, your best response is that she wanted to chat and anything she says to you, you need to process and think about...

validate, validate, validate... even if you disagree.

Even if she appears positive in the conversation, ANYTHING you say, no matter your good intentions, could very likely be taken the wrong way and could lead to her spewing...

Remember how your last conversations went... do not make the same mistakes...

Be positive... be on your best behaviour... be looking good (but not over done) and well trimmed...

And if things feel like they are going south... KNOW (and practice in a mirror if you have to) what your exit strategy will be... How you can politely and respectfully end things so that you don't risk putting your foot in your mouth...

That's my opinion... your mileage may vary...

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#2232789 - 03/23/12 03:53 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10464
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: Snowman
Update and vent- Well my W and I still have not talked about any R talk even though she said she would like to after I got back from my trip. I'm so confused and lost by this.

what's confusing? She said she'd like to talk but then didn't. So she changed her mind. This has happened before. Do not follow up. LET HER...


Venting-I went to the soccer coaches meeting with my W that signed up to be the coach and informed me later that she will be gone for sure 2 of the games and maybe 2 others for races she will be running. I also ending up chasing my S around the whole time and didn't get to hear anything of the meeting. On top of that I played soccer for many many years and my W never played so I find it funny she is going to coach and the whole rest of the room was men that we coaching.


you mean you are angry, not that you "find it funny" correct? Why not say that then? I'm not being petty. I think you have a very passive/aggressive way of communicating and this is a small example.

also, who cares if you had to watch your son while SHE listened to the meeting? One of you had to watch him and one of you had to listen...or one of you could have babysat son...


How h*ll can someone that is divorcing me and then say that they want to maybe work on things but won't talk about it and ask me to coach with them or for them?


b/c she's confused. Lose the anger and see if things clear up for her.


Things have been very amenable but this just still bothers me.


oh...well if things have been "very amenable" BUT this just still bothers you --then by all means stare at what bothers you and focus on the negative...

oh wait, that's backwards. As the DB moderators say, what you focus on tends to expand. Stop being negative and critical. I have to say your posts reek of anger more than anything else.

I KNOW you are in pain. But dang, the need to be "right" and the angry resentment HURTS YOUR CAUSE...

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? I've asked you this before.

If we sit here and agree with you that your wife is "crazy" and mean or whatever it is you suspect or want us to say

it won't help you decide what to do...
it'll keep you stuck where you are.


My W also informed me tonight she has signed up for like 6 or more other races. I love that she is doing her running that she loves but I first thought in my head, man I must just be the babysitter.

so you do not "love" that she is racing, and doing what she loves. You said you did, but then you inserted the "BUT"...

actually, You resent it. You think it's about you or it takes away from you, instead of her simply needing an outlet UNRELATED to you.

You said you are a homebody. She is a runner. Why is she "wrong" to be different? Why are you "right" to be a homebody?

maybe it's smothering. Maybe she thinks you judge her? Personally, I think running is among the healthiest things she can do.

When she runs, who would YOU prefer to have watching your son? A babysitter? OR would you like to have that much more time with him?

And btw, when you say you are "babysitting"=

but you are actually caring for your own child,

it's called parenting.


My W asked to bring our running stroller (that my sister let us borrow) to the soccer meeting and my W was dressed in her running clothes at the meeting. I will admit her running was a point of contention as I always felt like that all she wanted to do. I'm somewhat of a homebody so I was ok with it but this much running on top of her work, school, trips, soccer coaching, and whatever else is crazy to me.

you said she didn't coach before. You coached. Did she feel neglected by that? (Ever ask her?)

Rather than address this^^ point by point, I'll just say you must lose your scorecard. ANd the controlling stuff pouring out of this post is also not helpful to you or your cause. Stop condemning her choices too. That just forces her to defend them and not reflect on them. Don't say she's "Crazy" b/c a lot of what YOU are posting here is very conflicted and so she could say the same.

"Crazy" is a judgemental word used to deflect from our own work.


I want to be supportive and work on our M if she is open too but



see any pattern to your wording and your approach? See any conditions attached?


she keeps saying she is too busy at work to even reply to the one email I sent just asking if we were going to talk since I'm back from my trip now.


STOP NAGGING HER TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE R...

it cannot possibly help you to nag, email and or ask about "talking".
She knows how to reach you. No more pressure and no more anger. Geez...back off...



Sorry but using I'm busy at work to even respond to an email for days is a lame excuse for me.


OMG - no wonder she does not want to have a relationship talk with you...read what you write here, and try harder to HEAR your tone throughout...


I asked her tonight after the meeting and delivering the stroller to her if we could talk and she said she had been so busy at work again so she didn't have time to reply. I said I'm her now so we could discuss whatever. She said not in front of our S which is ok I guess but I didn't plan on fighting


To be blunter than ever, you must learn to STFU.
did you expect a loving happy conversation, FORCED out of her? She did not want to talk then. WHY do you keep doing what does not work? Once she says "not in front of" Then that is your cue to leave.



with her or even say much. I said well you are welcome to call or come over anytime when you want to talk. I know I have probably broken the rules and it seems like I'm pursuing but really I just want to talk if that's what she wants to do. IT IS NOT WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO OR SHE'D BE DOING IT....

I could sit here and guess why she has not yet but I'm done doing that.


Are you serious? You don't know why she does not want to talk about the r with you? I can't tell if you are being sarcastic or not.

And it does not "SEEM" like you are pursuing. YOU ARE pursuing, and it's really coming off as pushy and needy and angry and clingy,

and is, no offense, such a turn off.

What happened to the plan? The upbeat GAL guy who is warm and pleasant and receptive BUT not pressuring her and NOT judging her?

what about being the best dad you can be and lovingly interacting with son without expectation?

What about losing the anger???? You say you are "not exactly DBing" but Snowman...can you tell me how you have DBd at all?

I am sincerely asking. All I see here is more of the same old you. Where is the progress?


What do YOU feel YOU have learned or changed in YOU these past months? What is it that would make your wife feel

marriage to you from this day forward, would be better/different than before?

If you refuse to answer that question, then this is pointless.



Ok, am I being irrational about the soccer thing or what as well as all the running races?

Yes...actually you seem really controlling and negatively projecting bad about both. Drop it. Why not Be glad she's learning about soccer and NOT running?....you'll have something in common....geez...



I love my S and love to watch him but not to just be a babysitter for all her fun and to fill in for a responsibility that she signed up for without asking me about it.


wtf are you talking about now? Stop saying one thing when you mean another.

I thought you wanted more time with him...but what you really mean is you want to control what SHE does...you are not "supportive" of her running, you resent it. You SAY you want more time with your son but if it benefits her at all, then you don't....


I guess we will see what happens after some more time. Vent done.

I got some relief by going to a movie with a friend. It was a comedy so I feel better but I had to get that off my chest. Let me know what you all think.



well you know what I think.


Hey, Why haven't you written and sent the letter already?

Can I guess why?

was it B/C You got too "Confused" by her (Read, ANGRY) to send it...?

Sorry for the 2 x 4's.

I am sure I also make you angry, but I think you are blowing this big time and you could turn this around.

But you must distinguish between self respect and being prideful,

you must lose your anger from a wounded ego, and recognize the bitter edge in your words....all of which harms your cause.

I'm sure she senses that even more than I do just reading them.

These are choices YOU are making. You sure this is what you really want?
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2232818 - 03/23/12 09:36 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
mindfull Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/08
Posts: 3975
Snowman -

I only post to one other person on this site, after having been a regular here for a few years... I was directed to your thread recently.

I had my head in the sand for a few years, but, I will say this... Once I had the knowledge of infidelity, all bets were off. I immediately went in to plan "PROTECT MY KIDS AND ME".

With that said...

I have no idea if your wife has mental health issues, and quite frankly, if you read this site, WAY TOO MANY LBS's are quick to blame the WAS's actions on the possibility of this.

I think, plain and simple, that your W is a brat.

Couple one brat WAW, w/a LBH who has had very little courage to stand up to her, and...

You have a cheating wife, getting most everything she wants from her husband, while living the life she wants apart, and convenient child care coverage to do so... Oh, and did I mention the finances (from the marital funds, and/or credit available) to do all of this.

You need a solid basis of boundaries.

I just plain don't see any w/you.

I just took the time to read both of your threads. This is a LOT of bratty behavior, allowed by you, w/a lot financed by you.

Boundaries, and a PLAN for moving forward in YOUR way...
_________________________
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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#2232826 - 03/23/12 10:39 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4652
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Snowman
Starsky, it is not much of a plan but my wife texted me today and finally said lets met Saturday to chat about things. I don't have expectations at this point as I shouldn't and have learned my lesson about applying any pressure so I will see where the conversation goes.

I'm thinking about finishing the letter I have written and giving it to her that I was recommended to day further back in my stitch. What do you think?

Any other advice for my upcoming conversation?


Yes, but you're apparently not listening to it. I'm trying to say that "guess we'll see what happens," and "I will see where the conversation goes" are passive, aimless ways to live your life.

YOU NEED A PLAN, and then you need to work like hell to EXECUTE that plan. You are just drifting, hoping for the best. As a wise old poster around here used to say (and I think he was quoting his military commander) "Hope ain't a plan."


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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