My wife and I have committed to work on our marriage, so I thought I should make a post in this forum. The initial post will be long, but I'll try to keep them shorter in the future.
My situation is the typical situation that you find on this board. Wife had enough, she moved out, had an affair and here we are now. The only difference is she had an A with another woman. It's all weird and convoluted. If you want more details feel free to check out my links above.
Around a month ago my wife and I started talking again. Everything was going okay, from my point of view at least. Then she told me that she didn't want to give me the wrong impression and that she has no desire to be with me. Fast forward a month and she sends me a text asking if we could talk about living together because watching the kids live in two different places is tearing her apart.
We talked about it and I told her that I can't just sell my house to move in with her. I need to know that she is committed to working on the marriage. She told me that ILYBINILWY. She followed that by saying that she was at one point and her feelings changed, so they could feel in love with me again. So, she is open to working on us. She still seems to be a bit resentful, even though she denies this. She seems to talk harshly toward me a bit. She told me that she's not meaning to, but that she is tired of trying to please everyone...she is who she is and people can accept it or reject it. I like the attitude, but I'm not so keen on the way she's talking to me. I understand she's probably still hurt and upset. So this may be something that will calm down a bit with time.
So that last two nights I have stayed at her place. It's been a bit awkward as I feel like a guest in her house and weirded out about going into her closets, room, etc. She told me there was no need for me to feel that way. I think that will go away with time too. She seems to be holding me at a distance, which again, I can understand. It took a long time for the marriage to get to the point that it's in now, so I do not expect her to jump into my arms and act like nothing happened. Our plan is to take things slow. I do not plan on moving in full time. I'll take it a day at a time and go from there. I do sleep on the couch or in my girls' room. I suppose that is to be expected as well.
I don't feel like either of us is putting our guard down. I can feel it when we talk. Last night we spoke about living in the moment and enjoying today while not worrying about the future...the whole day at a time thing. I told her that I'm not going to push a physical relationship on her...it will come in time. I don't want her to feel that pressure from me. She said that was good as it would just drive her the other way.
So, where do I go from here? I think we are both doing this for the benefit of the kids. However, I feel like I'm the only one that is really open to a relationship beyond roommates. She says she is willing to try, but I don't feel it. I'm trying to trust that she means what she says, but so much has happened it's hard to. I'm concerned that she's cake-eating at this point. However, looking at it from a different perspective, she is asking me to move in with her. She calls me now instead of text messages me. She asked me to come over for dinner the other day (before I agreed to stay) and even fixed me something different than what they were eating as she knows that I'm eating healthier. Which I never said anything to her about...I suppose the 50 pound weight loss gave it away.
Two or three months ago she was blaming me for everything, telling me that I was the most negative person ever and she can't stand to be around me. So, obviously there have been some baby steps. I guess I'm just not sure how to view all of this. There is the concern that she is going to run away again. I tell her that I'm hesitant because of this and she tells me that we shouldn't worry about the future but take it a day at a time...looking at the worst case scenario is being negative.
I don't know if I should be looking at this as piecing. Is this what piecing really is? I imagine it is a slow process as trust and hurt have played a big role in the breakup of the marriage. Are most piecing situations like this though...where both are very stand-offish? My logic tells me that it will take time and there will be baby steps that will happen that will improve our situation. I do have the tendency to put the cart before the horse. I have to admit though that I'm not to trusting of her willingness to work on the marriage, or if she's just cake-eating. She did say something that made sense last night though...she said that if she wasn't willing to work on us then she wouldn't have let me move in.
I'm scared of being hurt again and I'm feeling like I'm sticking my neck out there a lot. I don't want to end up with my head on a platter if you know what I mean.
I believe so based upon my experience. I also think it is healthy to be wary.
I think you can safely call Piecing, an honest attempt at both parties to improve their relationship...so if it quacks like a duck.
Piecing is going to be harder than what you just went through. Now you get to slowly get rid of the armor you built up. You have to learn how to trust a person who has shown the capacity to rip your world apart, and betray your trust, and you have to trust them...not to do that again.
Go slow, be patient, and communicate.
One of the most beneficial things my wife and I did was have a talk that boiled down to this:
"If something is said or is done that can be taken one of two ways, lets both promise not to take it the wrong way, to talk about it. I think we can both honestly say that right now, if we wanted to hurt the other one there would be no doubt or confusion."
You're entering a land of sharp rocks, razor edges and pitfalls. I highly recommend that you proceed slowly, and shed your walls and armor appropriately; over time.
Food for thought: She doesn't trust you, as much as you don't trust her. She is just as worried about this as you are.
Ultimately? A new apartment or new house, without any old memories (down the road) will help immensely.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Things seem to be going well. Last night we went to the Opryland Hotel with the kids. It was wonderful. I'm amazed that I used to hate doing things like that. When they say you don't know what you got until it's gone...they are not joking.
We were walking and we saw a sign advertising the Rockettes christmas show. My daughter asked what the Rockettes are. My wife said that it's girls dancing around and kicking up their legs. I jokingly said, "Well, we certainly have to go now". She looked at me and said, "shut up". I took it as if she was telling me to shut up because I was talking about other girls. Maybe she meant something else, but it made me smile.
We are getting along great. Her attitude has changed and I love it. Before the split she would hold things in until she couldn't take anymore and she'd explode. Then she'd come back and say she was angry and didn't mean what she said...but, she really did. That seems to have changed. For example, we were in her car and she put in a CD of a band I don't like. I didn't say anything (I used to throw a fit about it and make her listen to something else) as this is an area I wanted to change. My D, on the other hand, yells, "Daddy hates that band". My W says, "Yeah? Well it's my car". I started cracking up to which she asked me what was so funny. I told her that I like her new attitude and honesty. She said something like I thought you hated that. I told her that I loved it...she's being honest and open with me.
I also told her that I understand the situation between us and if she needs a break then to feel free to tell me to go home. I really do understand that. My biggest worry right now is too much too soon. I'll be honest, I kind of started enjoying living alone. So, I can understand how a break would be desirable.
One big thing I'm learning is to not have any expectations as far as how they will respond. Right now, I'm doing the things that I help her feel loved. I'm still sleeping on the couch and I feel like she's keeping me at a distance from her. Except last night, I felt that wall fall and she was herself with me. This morning it was back to normal. I'm still looking at the baby steps though. I went from her not talking to me and having an affair to her asking me to live with her. We're working on our M and that's quite a bit of progress. So, I'm certainly not complaining. It's going to take awhile, but she is worth the wait.
Things seem to be going good this far. The W went to her mom's house on Saturday (which I stayed at my place) and came home Sunday. Sunday night she was supposed to go to a concert, but she didn't get tickets. She went to a friend's house around 10 pm to 2 am. I'm. It sure how I feel about this. On one hand, with the affair and all, I get a bit concerned. She stayed out like this when that was going on. Yet, I'm in bed so what should it matter how late she's out? Is staying out that late normal or does it vary from couple to couple.
I feel like she's testing me to see how I will respond. I threw a fit when the affair was happening. This time I figured i old do a 180. So I got up early, asked her if she had fun. When she jumped in the shower I went and got some coffee and food from McD's for her. My hope is that as I respond better she will see the new me. When she sees this then she will respond accordingly and will not want to go out like that. Plus, she may need a break as I'm sure me moving in is quite an adjustment and very emotionally exhausting. She's not sure what to expect. She's putting her head on the line just as much as I am.
She is starting to use the word "we" when referring to the future. Right now we haven't talked about much after Christmas...but, she's saying it and that is a good sign. To ugly we are decorating the Christmas tree and making ornaments with our kids. First time we've done that. I used to hate doing stuff like that, but after she left I starts realizing what is important in life...now they are the best times of my life. I'm grateful to be getto g another chance at this.
I would like to get some opinions on the staying out until 2 am bit. Right now I don't feel like I should say anything...maybe with time, but now is not the time to start pointing out things I dislike. On the other hand, it does make me nervous and I wish she'd be more sensitive to my needs. I don't want to do too much too soon. I do thi I she is testing me though.
Give it a week or so, but don't wait too long. You could always say that you have some things that you are working out and would like her help to get you through some things. Flip it around so it sounds like you are the one who is getting help.
Her having the fling with another woman is a big flag that she needs to get through her issues. Sweeping them under the rug isn't fair to you. In fact, if she is unwilling to go in because it's something that's important to you, then she's not all in to the piecing.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
If not, am I wrong to quit staying there? I want a wife not a roommate.
It's little things that I'm noticing...like i bought her a cd and she didn't even acknowledge I got it for her. That's just one example. I'm not Expecting anything in return, but a thanks would be nice. It bugs me she's not wearing her rings too. Am I just being too picky?