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#2209318 - 12/31/11 03:28 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
greenblue90 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/11
Posts: 685
Your wife said she is willing to work, that is a definite plus.

How much work, and in what way is still up in the air. Like you said dropping these types of articles on her lap might make her think you are trying to pressure her.

Now if you could find a Counselor that believed in this, then that'd probably work really well for you.

For me I found that as time progressed the advice from DB became less useful and the advice from SSM became more relevant.

Read bagheera's thread on that side of the forum it is really good.

For now I'll say that it is important to make sure she starts feeling loved. Take care of yourself and become a better husband. You're going to have to be patient about the sex part.

As for her chatting with other men online, it's like with OW she wants the attention.

How is your W's self esteem?

When you compliment her does she reject the nice words?

Sometimes in marriages a spouse suffering from poor self esteem may feel that their partner only compliments them because they have to since they can only have sex with them, or because they are looking to get laid.

They feel that if their partner was a total stranger they wouldn't be attracted. Thus they seek out the attention of strangers in an attempt to get an "honest" assessment. (let's be honest though the average guy looking for a quick lay is probably 1000 times more dishonest than someone who truly loves their partner).

As you know this can be dangerous since that validation can quickly become addictive. (that's why predators always swoop in on girls with low self esteem).

So it's a good thing she has vowed to stop. Just don't be surprised if she does it again, it can be addictive. The more she feels loved and validated by you the more likely she won't go back.

Hope that helps.

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#2209333 - 12/31/11 07:01 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: greenblue90]
greenblue90 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/11
Posts: 685
Ok technique wise, that stuff is good, but it goes beyond that.

You have to seduce her. Unfortunately you are boring old David. Not to be mean, but you might as well be her brother. In the other men she sees sexy strangers, she sees your dirty socks everyday.

Don't compare yourself to these men, because that's a level 2 attraction, and you'll never have that ever again.

One of these men could buy her dinner, and take her dancing and she'd be swooning. You could do the same and her first reponse might be, "oh he wants to get laid again".

Of course we both know that in both cases both you and the other guy both want to get laid. Yet you love her, the other guy just wants a quick screw. Maddeningly enough she'd probably rather have the other guy.

I don't say all this to anger you, it's to drive the point home that using the same strategies other guys may use on your wife will only not work, but may backfire.

Instead you need to play on a whole different level.

You can't use novelty to turn her on, not at this point at least. You need to have her desiring more than level 2.

She needs to feel so in love, that she is dying to express it in every way possible to include with her body.

Ever feel so in love that you want to do anything to make your partner feel what you feel? To include a good romp in the sack?

Well that's what you need to be going for. Technique and stuff is great, but it's a little like putting the cart before the horse, or however that saying goes.

I recommend the 5 love languages, and passionate marriage, both very good books.

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#2209400 - 12/31/11 11:53 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: greenblue90]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
I've read the five love languages. I'll read the other. Her languages are acts of service and praise. I do those and it seems like she takes advantage of it all.

Her view is that I am a weak little man that will do anything to keep her happy. She thinks I'm afraid of losing her and I will always be there no matter what. In fact, I told her that I would wait on the sex thing...then I did the acts of service and praise. Three weeks later she was online and super adament that I am unattractive.

I really think she wants a guy that is going to come in and take control. She only responded to me sexually when I took her and had my way with her...I was rougher than usual. I did what I wanted to her.

Bottom line is that I think the acts of service stuff doesn't work right now.

Also, the more I think of having sex with her the more I do not want to. Thinking about the other guy and such turns me off completely. Even I she offered, I'd probably turn her down.

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#2209428 - 12/31/11 03:25 PM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
In second thought, maybe it's my attitude behind the acts of service. Doing it with confidence rather than soon it in hope she'll notice. That makes sense.

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#2209524 - 12/31/11 11:26 PM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
greenblue90 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/11
Posts: 685
It's because you are doing AOS in the hopes of getting laid. It's a stealth contract and she sees right through it.

It's hard to show love when the other person does not.

How about respect, does she show you respect in day to day things? Does she respect your opinions, your profession, your hobbies? Does she admire you, or does she take you for granted?

Are your AOS the actions of a frustrated little boy looking for a lay, or are they the welcome advances of an admirable man who would make any woman swoon.

I'm going to be a little self centered for a moment here, and say that I'm quite a catch. Good looks, amazing job, good physique, and loving and caring.

I didn't have to just say it, but start believing it. To the point that every time W would not appreciate one of those qualities I had to set the record straight and remind her. Eventually her level of respect for me grew, along with reducing her taking me for granted.

As I felt respected by the woman I love, I began to feel more loving, and we have been building from there since. Slow but steady.

Start small, if work went well and you did well tell her. If she brushes it off emphasize to her how that makes you a top performer or whatever. Don't be afraid to sell yourself.

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#2209567 - 01/01/12 09:27 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: greenblue90]
Walking Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/05
Posts: 1194
Loc: Australia/Pacific
Great posts Greenblue ... I haven't read your sitch, but you are obviously doing the work. Impressive.

David - read everything Greenblue said ... and then read it again.

Greenblue is absolutely right in that you can't start at the technique end. You need to rebuild an emotional connection and let that intimacy lead you to the sexualisation, of your marriage. That is really hard work under any circumstances and in the entire time I've been here and reading on the SSM board I've only read one person who's actually turned their SSM around and is more deeply in love with his wife than ever with an intimate and satisfying sex life with his wife ... after 30 odd years of marriage. It's important to remember though with his case, that his marriage wasn't in crisis. He had made a decision that he may make some alternative arrangements for his life if things didn't change - but he did the work - and his wife did what was hard painful work with him -after she understood the issue was so important to him that it was threatening their marriage. You should read his thread, he posts in SSM under the name Young at Heart.

I think it's important to make a point here, that if we are being realistic, the timing for you to do ANYTHING for your wife is not good. I note this post is in Piecing - but it's not clear to me that your wife is emotionally engaged in your marriage.

My advice to you is that you need to get back to some pretty strict DBing, focus on you and your children, live your life as though it doesn't matter what she decides to do, because you are going to be OK anyway. Man up on the other stuff. Finish reading No More Mr Nice Guy and really internalise that stuff.

You've talked about some of the things you'd like to improve about yourself (health and body), think about what else you have in your life that gives you pleasure. Reengage in hobbies. Renew friendships and relationships with family, friends, community groups .... GAL your heart out ... because you have to make yourself desirable to your wife - and the only way you are going to do that is by being the best YOU, you can be.

MWD talks about sex while DBing and she says (from memory) that if sex is something that is going to bring you closer together - than you might consider it. As you've already identified, where there is infidelity, that's a whole other level of complexity and you really need to think about your boundaries.

A tip ... if I may .... you said

Quote:
I really think she wants a guy that is going to come in and take control. She only responded to me sexually when I took her and had my way with her...I was rougher than usual. I did what I wanted to her.


... well ... do what works my friend.

I could go into why this works, and if you're interested I will (when I get some time cool , but trust me .. most women want to be taken by their men. She wants you to be the leader and she wants you to lead and she wants you to lead strongly. There are degrees of the extend to which particular women want it - some want to be completely dominated, and that's the only way they can respond - others, most I suspect, need the man to lead the sexuality in a dominant and loving way, until she feels safe enough so that you guys can have the fun and intimate conversations about why you respond the way you do to different foreplay/ideas/stimulations etc .. and you can experiment with swapping it up so that sometimes you lead, sometimes she does.

Lots of issues in there ....

Hang in there David. This is tough stuff.

You put your focus on you. Read the Forums, GAL, look after yourself. Live your life ... if your wife wants to come along ... she'll follow.

V
_________________________
V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.

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#2209825 - 01/02/12 02:32 PM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: Walking]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
This is great stuff. Keep it coming. I'm out of town for the nec couple days, but I'll be asking questions when I get back.

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#2210579 - 01/05/12 06:30 PM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Good luck David, I'm in the same boat except my wife didn't have an affair but we are trying to rebuild the relationship and going to marriage counseling. I know it will take time but I'm willing to not give up.
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

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#2211223 - 01/08/12 04:27 PM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: Shaky]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
Things are going really good...more details later.

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#2211370 - 01/09/12 11:36 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
Shaky...hang in there. It's rough, but it's worth it. We've got your back. Let me know how it's going for you.

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