Dark Shadows on the Roller Coaster - ride cont's.

[2thepoint]

Starting a new thread. Below are links to my previous threads:

Thread #1
Thread #2
Thread #3
Thread #4
Thread #5

Wow! The last thread flew by like a rocket ship. We covered topics including why men seem more likely to reengage a failing marriage vs. women, depression and the use of anti-depressants, detachment and being a doormat, taking inventory of our own past transgressions, the last resort technique, the length of time before things may turn for the better, GAL and guilt, and a ton of other really good stuff in between.

So if you are looking for everything DB, then thread #5 (Dark Shadows on the Roller Coaster) may have just what you are looking for.

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Today the roller coaster ride continued. I had been feeling pretty upbeat since deciding on taking the GAL trip to Madrid in March. The planning and anticipation have been a lot of fun.

This afternoon though while I was driving down a lonely country road on the way to pick up S13 from a paintball event, Bonnie Raitt's song, "I can't make you love me" came on the radio and I literally broke down in tears. I've heard this song a hundred times before and never reacted to it like I did today. A portion of the lyrics include:

Songwriters Mike Reid, Allen Shamblin
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

'cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

Oy! What heartbreak! I'm in tears just typing these words and wondering if the pain will ever subside.

It really is such an odd thing for me. One minute I'm rocking out to some old Beatles tune and then WHAM! I'm in tears.

Anyway, I attended S10's basketball game this evening. They got crushed but S10 did manage to get off a few shots and at least give the team something to rally around. My W was there and she was looking particularly beautiful this evening. I don't know what it is. Something in her face or maybe it is her hair. Either way she looked great and seems to really be holding it together. Meanwhile I'm a wreck!

She didn't have much to say to me tonight and when the game was over she headed off with they boys.

Sigh!

[westcoastfella]

Hang tight, 2. As for your W looking "together," I think that looks can be very deceiving. After all, don't most of us on this site do a great job of hiding our despair, being positive, and "acting as if"? WAS' can play the game just as well.

I hear you about the Bonnie Raitt song. There have been songs that I've heard a million times that previously had zero meaning to me. Then, post-sitch, they become so much more relevant and heart-breaking. (You will also realize just how many songs there are on the radio about breaking up. The answer: Lots and lots.)

[bustorama]

Music is powerful. Make it your ally, not adversary. What are you into? Can the radio, and make yourself an empowering mix.

[2thepoint]

Dead tired tonight. Been laying in bed for the last hour and can't get to sleep. Tears are flowing tonight and I can't shake it! I haven't felt this sad since I moved out of the house 2 months ago. Why now?

[2thepoint]

Great video! Great band! Great advice! Thanks for sharing, Busto!

[labug]

I think we have to accept that sometimes we're going to feel like sh!t. Take some time to just let it happen, acknowledge that you're sad, then get up and do something else. Keep up with taking care of yourself, exercising, sleeping, eating right/enough.

Yesterday was one of those days for me. Sundays are always difficult because H would have been home for the weekend. I usually work the weekend or at least one day, or have other plans. Yesterday my sadness was most likely due to the fact that I got poor sleep the night before, due to the pain from the dental work I had.

I now know that the pain doesn't last forever, that when I'm taking proper care of myself it will pass. I just need to keep doing the right things.

[rickb89]

Busto - my new favorite video. God this is so funny! Just like the movie Falling Down.

Beats crying in my beer!

[rickb89]

2TP says - It really is such an odd thing for me. One minute I'm rocking out to some old Beatles tune and then WHAM! I'm in tears.

Rick said - Isn't it odd how easy it is to cry in pain like a wounded animal, which we are.

I tried to remember the last time I cried before the bomb dropped and I think it was when I was a little kid and my Mom died. Then the bomb dropped and I'm so hair trigger sentimental its nuts - music, movies, my kids, muzak, you name it. What happened?

I think I've become a wolf howling in agony when I'm alone.

[rickb89]

2TP said - She didn't have much to say to me tonight and when the game was over she headed off with they boys.

Rick said - these moments are tough and are par for the course until she begins to thaw. There's something about these simple moments that are just heartbreaking and you have to so detached to manage them.

I remember a night this summer when we were at the beach near our house. My wife decided to leave early and just jog back to our house, leaving me and the kids behind to drive home later. I watched her jog off through the fog and it really felt like I could literally see her running away from the family. Very suckky moment in my life. I feel your pain my friend.

Just curious. Did you have to move out of your house? Was it your choice? Could you still live together as a family if you wanted to? Is her distance because she thinks you moved out on them?

[2thepoint]

"Just curious. Did you have to move out of your house? Was it your choice? Could you still live together as a family if you wanted to? Is her distance because she thinks you moved out on them?"

Here's the thing. In September, W tells me she is done. DONE! She lays out all the reasons why, my selfishness being a primary reason and a bunch of other WAW script that you are familiar with. We go to one joint counseling session and it is nothing more than an ambush where she gets to show off in front of her C that she has the guts to give me the boot.

Now under ordinary circumstances one could reason that the one getting the boot should leave. But.....

I then learn and verify EA that I later discover is a full on A.

Now under these new set of facts one could reason that the cheating spouse should leave. But.....

I sign up for a series of DB sessions and while working through my issues and explaining the circumstances of my W's f/t employment, my small business and lack of a real job, our 2 children, etc. and my selfishness, the DB C says that it may be the most unselfish thing I could do if I were the one to move.
But, we also agree that we should try to slow roll things to see if W is serious.

During this time, W becomes extremely unstable emotionally and is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I'm not exaggerating this. These are her words and my experience. So 2 days after we talk to the boys, I move out to give her "her space". She sends me a text saying something to the effect of how she has hurt me terribly and she hates herself for doing that. Then thanks me for giving her the space she needs.

So there's my long answer to a series of short questions. Yes, I could have stayed and kicked my W out instead. But, I wanted our boys to have their stability and I wanted to demonstrate to my W that I was not as selfish as she believed I was.

Was it the right decision? Only time will tell.