Dark Shadows on the Roller Coaster

[2thepoint]

Time for a new thread. Here are the links to the previous threads:

Thread #1
Thread #2
Thread #3
Thread #4

As I begin my 5th thread since first joining the forum back in September, it is appropriate to reflect on my journey thus far and look to the future.

After a few fits and starts, doing all the wrong things while searching for answers, breaking the news of our separation to my 2 wonderful boys, moving out of the house and trying to GAL, working hard on improving myself and just as hard to figure out this concept called detachment, I think I am finally starting to get it.

It has only been a few short months but it feels like an eternity. I liken this journey to what a convicted criminal must feel after having been sentenced to a long prison term and waking up on month 5 and realizing that there are still 9 years, 8 months, 2 days and 11 hours left in his sentence. Maybe with good behavior, the sentence will be reduced.

In recent weeks I feel like I am starting to see glimmers of a softening heart in my W. She is still active with OM but at least she doesn't seem to recoil at my presence and we have actually had several positive interactions since our joint C session early in December.

I know that I still have a very long journey ahead of me and I am comforted by the knowledge that the friendships that have formed and the support I get from members of this forum are going to carry me along for as as long as I am willing to stay on this roller coaster ride.

And a roller coaster it is! One day you are up, climbing the hill, success just within reach. Then, down you go, racing towards the bottom where sadness and despair await. You whip around a corner and then you are headed back up the hill only to repeat the cycle again and again and again.

Some roller coaster are fun and others are not. My roller coaster is not so much fun. I do however think that I am beginning to learn how to lean into the banks and turns, hold on and close my eyes when the drop comes and look around and survey my surroundings when I am heading back up to the top.

So the title of my thread seems appropriate as I continue to venture into the darkness and continue on the roller coaster that is my journey.

I am glad I have friends and support who are willing to hold my hand when the path is dark and shadowy and the roller coaster is running faster and more scary.

So now it is time for me to check and make sure that the restraining bar is lowered and in the locked position, for my ride is about to continue...............

[purgatory]

I am holding on for dear life to my restraint bar! I've only been on the ride for a little over a month, and I've already gotten sick from all the ups and downs, someone please make it stop!!

When you figure out how to perfect the detaching thing, could you please make an easy to swallow pill that works quickly? That would be very appreciated

I've enjoyed following your 'roller coaster' and get inspired by your journey... keep the posts coming!

[2thepoint]

25 posted the following on "lostadrift's" thread and I wanted to bring it over here to get some perspective:

"Actually IMO, the reason that more divorces END when a wife leaves, as opposed to when a h leaves, is b/c a woman usually only leaves when she has nothing at all left for her h. Her love tank is totally empty. Therefore there's no real reason for her to "try and make it work".

In her mind she already has done the work for years. And when her needs were not met she looked to the kids b/c all woman want intimacy in their lives. (It's a NEED we have.)"

I have been thinking about this very topic for several weeks now. It is my observation after hanging out on this forum for the past several months that men seem to be more inclined to return to the M then women do.

Maybe men are weak when it comes to their R's and all they want after they've left to go find themselves or whatever, is to get their woman back. Kind of like having their cake and eating it too.

On the other hand, when women leave the R it just seems rare that the woman will come back after she's done finding herself. It makes me wonder just how much hope there really is in busting the D when it is the W who has left (emotionally, anyway).

The other observation I've made is that when women do come back it seems like it is only when they have actually left the R both emotionally and more specifically, physically. Sort of like they realize that they want their family and home back and don't like living on their own.

In my sitch, my W left the R emotionally (is also having an A) but I'm the one who moved out. She has the comfort and security of the house and the kids and she has her emotional support in the form of OM. She kind of has all that she needs and I'm left waiting in the wings so to speak.

=========================

A friend of mine who is wise in so many ways called me this morning to see what I was up to. I was up late last night and after 7 hours or so of sleep I woke up with a plan to shower and do something productive today. However, after I took my shower, I felt tired and went back to sleep. That is when my friend called.

So I ended up getting up and helping my friend do a few things that required an extra set of hands. This is when my friend said, "I'm worried about you, 2thepoint. I hate to tell you this but I think you are depressed and I'm worried. You need to get out of this funk you are in and do something productive."

Now this is the same friend who told me a few months ago when I apparently gave him a "look" that he was surprised that my W hadn't kicked me out of the house. That was a HUGE wake-up call for me about some non-verbal behaviors that clearly were problematic but I wasn't even aware of them.

So anyway my friend as I say is wise and now I'm am beginning to wonder if in fact I may be "depressed". God I don't want to be! There is such a stigma attached to this and the thought of taking meds to manage it is really not something I want to consider.

My W takes meds. They finally seem to have helped her some after many years of experimenting with various prescriptions and dosages. The thing that troubles me though is her altered mood always seems to be a little, I don't know how to describe it... over the top maybe? She gets giggly, etc. Then if she doesn't take her meds her mood becomes very erratic.

I also saw this a lot when I managed a large service center operation. There were many women and some men who were on meds and when they did't take them for whatever reason they became very erratic and became big big problems for management. I don't want this for myself. And I don't want to be on meds for the rest of my life either. Surely there are other alternatives.

Any advice or perspective on the two topics above is appreciated.

[CO1978]

Just because you may have depression, doesn't mean you have to take meds. I am thought (by W, friends and therapist) to have some sort of depression myself, but exercise and diet has really had a great effect on me with dealing with that. I still do not get much sleep, I was told to try some natural sleep aids first, before experimenting with prescriptions.

[labug]

2,

Get an actual diagnosis and then figure out your treatment plan. Depression is way too complicated to try and figure it out here.

Good luck! For those with depression, the right treatment can be a life changer.

[25yearsmlc]

I have taken the AD's 2 times in my life. First time I WAS clinically depressed after my father's sudden death. Met 17 of the 20 criteria but would not have gone to a shrink & taken anything but for 2 things. 1) my new job required a lot of concentration and I was simply NOT cutting it and could not focus; and

2) h told the kids that I was sad but after 6 weeks, my d4 asked me if I was "going to be sad everyday"...

that broke my heart so I vowed that minute to see someone so I could snap out of it. And the ADs I got amazed me. (Serotonin related) They dramatically helped me in DAYS not weeks...yes there were some side effects

(not emotional but sexual, but I had those symptoms when I was depressed anyhow)

so they were worth it at the time. Plus I was more available for intimacy b/c there was less weird guilt about my dad's death, etc. And I needed the ADs...I took them for about 6 months and also saw a T for grief, and then got off them. I did not notice withdrawal at all, but tapered off over a week.

The Other time I took a different form of ADs for the winters in Alaska's interior. Not a serotonin related one, but more like a stimulant like tobacco quitters' take (Wellbutrin??) and it felt like long lasting extra caffeine with a slightly optimistic bent. It's in a different class of ADs...

I felt normal and upbeat like in the spring time, like MYSELF NOT HIBERNATING... the lack of sunlight really got to me and wears me out. This med just made me normal feeling. I was not 'Uber depressed" but lacked energy and motivation and felt like hibernating...isolating, sleeping A LOT eating a lot or not at all, etc.

This matters when there is little daylight and they helped too. But I was Not "clinically depressed" like w/my dad's death, so much what they call the "winter blues". There are some who get really nutty in the winter there however.

I'm not sure which group you fit into or a third group 2...

Oh
And when h left I took some sleep aids and anti anxiety meds for awhile, now and then, b/c that's where the obessive stuff can hurt you OR your situation.

You cannot keep obsessing 24/7 though God knows I tried.

Also You have to be available to your kids and if meds will help you do that, then take them. I had been too preoccupied before.

If you are not able to sleep well, then A LOT of other things will sukk in your life too

I think in your sitch you should have NO STIGMA for God's sake...and it won't be used against you with the children since your w takes them. What's the downside?

IF YOU have side effects you dont like, stop taking them.

I felt zero bad side effects, mentally. Certainly no "giddy" stuff. Frankly, I am not sure I've even heard of that side effect of regular ADs...

maybe your w is taking something else OR maybe she has a different condition?

Regardless, give yourself permission to explore this. If anti depressants are ever appropriate in situations, then death and divorce are up there as reasons, aren't they?

I've worked for the gov and had a high security clearance. Regular AD's won't hurt you in this situation, professionally speaking.

NEXT POST on the other issue...

[labug]

2, yes there is still stigma attached to depression and that's what keeps many people from getting the proper treatment. So many people walk around with depression and it affects not only them but their family members, the people they work with, etc.

Take your friends impressions into consideration but get a good diagnosis.

[BklynMom]

Hmmm... really thinking about your post re: woman coming back. At this point I am too biased and dont understand why anyone would walk away. If you are unhappy you talk to your partner and go to a MC and see if you can work it out, if you cant you cant - you dont walk away.

Anyway, I do truly believe that WAS need to see consistent changes over time that they can trust. If you show those consistent changes then the WAS is really a fool not to come back.

Unfortunately I think most C encourage people to become "self actualized" and "find them selfs" and dont even let ones marriage be a consideration in their process.

Regarding AD, I am highly medicated right now and would not be typing if I were not highly medicated. (I would just be lurking & crying). My H moved out in July and I was minimally functioning until Sept when I got on meds. I still feel down but I can get on with my day. Get a proper diagnosis but dont dismiss it because of a stigma. Your sitch like many of ours is a huge trauma be grateful that there is a treatment.

[westcoastfella]

I agree with the others -- get an official diagnosis. I think that depression to a degree is pretty normal with a sitch like this. People can throw the word "depression" around casually without really knowing when it's developed into a real problem.

As for the W walking away, here is another thing to mull over: I read in "After the Affair" by Janis Spring that many M's where the W leaves are less likely to be repaired because men are more likely to move on and develop an R with somebody else. That might be a factor for you to consider.

[JustStunned]

Get the diagnosis and med recommendation from a qualified professional. STBX last set of AD scripts were written by her GYN. Not that you’ll use a GYN, but my GP asked me if I needed something. I am quite certain I could have asked for sleep aids or ADs with the right justification.

As for the other, I’m going to lurk and learn. Probably go back to the GP and justify a script b/c I suspect I am about to need it.