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#2225941 - 02/28/12 11:38 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
My wife talked to Laurie today. I told Laurie when I talked to her yesterday that the goal of the call today was to get the three of us talking at the same time. Laurie was thinking that she could give my W some suggestions to share for us to work on and we could meet again in a few weeks. Laurie thought that somehow my W would take something constructive out of their conversation and tell me about it.

Ha!

I really didn't want to badger my W about it, so I just asked when we can have a conversation when we're all together.

"I don't think I'll be doing that."

So... frustrating. I wish I had insisted on a call together so there could be some communication.

-- BUT --

The woman who came home and had nothing to say to me about ever talking to Laurie again was talking to me. No shark eyes. No tense as a board. No avoiding looking in my direction. Some replies had more than one word. We talked about some things.

She had next to nothing to contribute on the subject of what we should be doing differently or what should be different so that things could improve.

But she was not crawling out of her skin to be in the same room with me.


The only thing she gave me was that she wants to separate our finances to reduce her anxiety.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2225975 - 02/29/12 09:17 AM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
I woke up frustrated and angry with my wife's continued behavior. I'm so tired of the misery. Now I want to do and say every wrong thing.

I want to write her a letter and remind her that it is possible improve our relationship and it is obviously true but she continues to refuse to be part of that. Instead, she has made herself an enemy to our children's happiness and well-being. She could have just about anything she wants if she would just say, "I value our marriage. I'm willing to do something to help repair it. I need X"

She did tell me something she wants yesterday - she wants to separate our finances to reduce her anxiety.

I'm willing to separate our finances, but I have a feeling that what she wants is:

1) I continue to pay so that she can live in our marital home with the kids.
2) I continue to spend money on living outside of the house.
3) I carry all the debt - about 18,000 worth - while she saves money for a divorce.

I guess I need to ask her once I calm down.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2225986 - 02/29/12 09:59 AM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 983
Vent here and be calm before the conversation. Good plan.

If it truly is a conversation, then be prepared to explain your wants for the finances and what the needs of the family are. Does she work outside the home?
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

Top
#2226055 - 02/29/12 12:21 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: ces67]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
W is well-paid. My salary is 75k, hers is around 55K. Maybe she's up to 60 now.

The problem is that I was underemployed for most of 2011. I was freelancing, and had work, but I couldn't keep up with it because I was so devastated because of the probable divorce. Thus the 18K in debt.

I'm pretty sure she wants the debt to be my problem. I can't afford it. I'm financially screwed if we don't stay together, move back into one house, and work this out.

I consider the debt something we created together.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2226060 - 02/29/12 12:31 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 983
Feel that pain. I was out of work for 15 months prior to my current job. My package covered 10 and I was on unemployment for the rest. Our debt is sizably larger than that amount (too embarrassed to give the figure).

How would you separate the finances? Can you show any of the debt to be directly related to your W?
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

Top
#2226126 - 02/29/12 03:32 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: ces67]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
I've figured out what to do. I'm going to send an email to my wife asking, "Why don't you want things to be better. What do you win by continuing to be miserable?". I think that will fix everything.

SO FRUSTRATED

Regarding the debt - Most of it was wracked up from every day expenses - groceries, gas, bills, etc - and since we had no money, I did not pay my quarterly taxes. IRS needs to get paid.

I think my wife thinks that *I* didn't pay the IRS, so it's my fault. If I paid the IRS, we'd have lost the house, starved to death, and filed for bankruptcy.

As for the time out of work... I needed her support. She gave me the opposite. Now she wants the debt to be my problem.

$2500 of the debt is the cost of my lawyer, which I wouldn't have had to spend if she hadn't started this mess.

I think I see three options here
Plan A) We act in the best interest of the family. I move home and we pool our resources to get rid of the debt and live a comfortable life. Also, as a bonus, we could have communication and improve our relationship.

Plan B) W takes all. I pay W large $$$ every week so she can live with the kids in our house without me. I live in a 1-bedroom slum, and have enough money left over to take a little over a year to pay off the debt, so long as nothing happens - no unexpected expenses. For a year.

Plan C) Eff this, dammit. I come back home. She leaves. She won't pay me child support, so I can't afford the house. We'll foreclose on it and I'll declare bankruptcy. Ok. I just looked at the numbers again. If she takes half the debt with her when she goes, I can actually scrape by and pay the debt off after a little more than a year and keep the house. maybe. Not including the money for the rest of our divorce.

Ugh.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2226345 - 03/01/12 09:53 AM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
I'm miserable again. And distracted. What can I write/say/do to change my situation?

I've had a fine outlook most days in the last month. The lack of any kind of apparently productive outcome from my wife's call with the marriage coach has been a blow to my confidence.

Why am I not allowed to know when she changes her mind why she changes her mind. Actually, I don't even know when she changes her mind about things.

I spend way too much energy trying to figure her out. I know I have to let go. It's hard.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2226347 - 03/01/12 09:55 AM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3553
Originally Posted By: AlwaysTrying

I spend way too much energy trying to figure her out. I know I have to let go. It's hard.



Yep...

What's your plan to do this ???

Top
#2226357 - 03/01/12 10:22 AM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: Mach1]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? I'd have my memory erased, but I'd probably just fall in love with her again...
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2226361 - 03/01/12 10:32 AM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
In all seriousness, I'm leaning toward trying to go cold turkey on emails and texts. I just re-read a bunch of my emails and my feelings that I have been really restrained in sending her R-heavy emails is mostly in my head.

If I only tell her 10% of what I'm thinking, it's still an email every 3 days or so. And when I do send them, I stare at the screen for an hour for a two-paragraph email because I want to make sure I get it right.

So, I need to do like Laurie said and make it so we don't have to talk about money any more. We need to settle exactly how we are separating finances so there is no need to talk about it. Then I can try to let all communication I initiate to be about the kids.

She does initiate communication with me on all sorts of subjects. Just not subjects like, "I've noticed you've made an extra effort to keep X clean. Thanks." or "I wish you wouldn't do X because it upsets me."

We have, I think, 2 months left in our current separation agreement. After that, I am free to come back home and she is free to re-initiate the divorce.

My goal is that in that time she agrees to start seeing someone with me on a regular basis then we can negotiate about how often I'm back at the house. Or I move back in and try to keep my distance and hope she doesn't jump right back on the D-train.

I probably need a better plan than that. Did you have any suggestions?
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
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