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Ctflor Offline OP
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Thank you Angel & 25. I've read your posts a couple of times through.

I think I should start with two days ago. I woke up feeling really happy. h had gone to town to handle some stuff at the DMV. It was so nice out, I decided to take a walk.

When I got back to the house, I saw a box sitting outside by the trash can and inside of that box was another copy of one of the cd's he had made for her, but it had been broken in half. I thought to myself... wait a min, why is there still a cd here when he threw out all of the ones many weeks ago? I say nothing and go inside and went to the bathroom and got the shower going. I felt like I had to calm down. But it didn't work, because it triggered anger in me like never before.

Got out of the shower and h is talking to me through the door. He sensed something wrong cause he said, "Everything OK?" and I asked, why are there still copies of these cd's around? he said, he had made a duplicate and found it stuffed inside of his bag that he had pulled out of the closet and wanted to get rid of it.

Good for him, glad he got rid of it, but I really lost it. I came out of the bathroom and went to the kitchen to get water and he followed me, apologizing. Said he didn't think I'd notice it.. said it meant nothing and that is why it's in the trash.

Another part of me took over and thought.. NOPE he's been listening to it this whole time.... what a liar. But the other part of me, the rational part said.... no, he's being honest, let it go..... let it go...... and all the sudden I just snapped.

I told him to please leave the kitchen and let me chill out for awhile. He would not go. He insisted on staying and talking this out. He was upset.... I just calmly asked him.... please.... let me have a moment to catch my breath, chill out.. etc. he would not go. He pushed me to talk right then, right there....

He said, "Let's get this out of the way so we can go on with the day. I'm not going to spend the entire day on this"

I threw my glass against the wall, breaking it and screamed at him.... "yeah let's just get this out of the way so you can relax and be comfortable".

H was in shock, and he just stood there. Then he walked out. Then he came back and started to clean up. I said "Don't touch that. It's my mess". And he said, "No, I am the one who caused you to feel this way to begin with, so I'll get it". I told him not to touch it... I took over and cleaned it up. He went off for awhile, and later on we did reconnect and talk calmly... and he told me, "I know that this triggered you.... I'm so sorry". But you know.... I still should not have acted this way.

Felt like an episode of PTSD. I don't know. But I feel that the pain is right on the surface and it's just boiling out of me.

H called the priest that afternoon... he is really fond of talking to him... and he offered an appt to me to talk. he has a background in counseling... he's been very supportive to H and H felt like I should go talk to him.

So I am going this afternoon for an appt. Even though we are in the middle of the move, I need to talk to someone.

I know that the anger is reaching epic proportions here and I have to deal with this.

I'm tired of being angry. I'm praying ... I'm trying.. it's not going away.

25, I don't want a divorce. That's for sure. If I did, I would have left him weeks ago. But you are right, if I can't work through this.... I'm certain it will damage what good has been accomplished.

I think I still have co dependency tendencies flooding back again with h. My GAL has been put on hold the past couple weeks, with all that is going on here. My self esteem issues are really suffering again.

Our happiness is our own responsibility....

This is true. Why have I grown up thinking that our partners are supposed to make us happy?

This is something I need to focus on too.... I have to keep working at this.

Also, forgot to mention. H had his appt the other day, and when he came home he said he wanted to get the book, the five languages of love. We are going to read it together.

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The fact that your H was able to keep his temper with you hurling stuff is a testimony to how much he wants to set things right.

At least you are now recognizing that your anger is off the chart, and acknowledging that this is not right.

You are looking for the smallest reason to think negatively of your H. Seeing all remnants of OW going into the trash would have made me very happy! In your case it just triggers your memories, and worse than that, you are sooo ready to think the worse of your H. Imagine thinking that he was listening to it?That is very, very unhealthy.

Please, please get some help before something terrible happens.


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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Ctflor Offline OP
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That's true Angel. He also blames himself. I agree that if it had not been for his choice, I would not be here, but... I need to find a way to move on and stop holding it over his head. For now, he's in a place where he understands.

Went to my counseling appt today and it went well. It was helpful, but I still feel like crap tonight. I feel like I want to be alone.

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Another thought..

By the time we get to retrovaille, it will be a few months. Will it still be effective and helpful then?

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Ctflor, I've read your whole story (I think) and I am kinda worried for you and your situation.

The throwing the glass against the wall was, frankly, shocking to me.

I think you are carrying a lot of hurt, resentment and anger from your first M to the situation now. It sounds like you never really processed the cheating from your first M in a healthy way and it's coming out big time. H's actions triggered all that.

I really don't think praying is going to help your anger.

I read the situation with the CDs as a huge positive. I mean he was getting rid of that stuff and trying to do it in a way not to hurt you. Yet you turned it around on him.

I don't know of anyone who wants to live in a relationship where their SO could go off at any time and have that held over their head forever and ever. You've done this a couple of times in a few short weeks.

There are lots of techniques to help get your anger under control.

There is so much out of your control that can trigger your anger. Facebook, a song on the radio, your H on the computer, etc. I think it's a mistake to think you can just "avoid" your way out of this.

If money is an issue with therapy, you could start with the library and the self-help section. I can think of a couple of titles that could help you grow from this and work toward a place of forgiveness.

Because right now, it's not a good place for you, him or your daughter.

I hope for the best with you.


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
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Ctflor,

I hope you don't mind me intruding on your thread. I was just checking out the other boards and read your most current thread.

I am just wanting to show you some gratitude as your sitch has brought up many memories that I have shoved aside regarding my own. I found just reading yours, has really helped me. So selfishly, thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

Reading through the anger issues that you're going through in response to your H PA shocked me back into a time before my SO deployed. THIS is how I used to treat him. And the response your H gives you? This is how he used to respond to me. Not forever, but he would try at first to be so understanding.
Only I was like this to him over not even a EA, but rather telling a few women in a bar that he was single, when we were together. THEN I used to get this mad with him perhaps on a weekly, sometimes on a DAILY basis regarding his EX wife. It's called retroactive jealousy.
I couldn't help myself. It was like I was two people.
It took the rupture of our relationship to make me seek help. Now that I have the proper tools, I not only can deal with this stuff, but some of it (ex wife jealousy) doesn't even matter to me anymore.
He wasn't perfect, and he made some serious mistakes, but I was *horrible* and he tried to deal with me. So I thank you for the reminder of what I put him through, as I try to stumble through my breakup.
Best of luck to you and you sound like a great person who has a great H.
111

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Regarding retrouvaille:

Yes, it will be of help for you. I think actually it is better for people in a more advanced stage of piecing. Your H obviously is doing his best to save the M, and you do want to save the M even if you are being hindered by your anger and resentment.

There are many lessons that can be learned at retrouvaille that will help both of you.

I urge you to go!

Also, do read Love Dare, if you haven't.


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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Ctflor Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Harrier
Ctflor, I've read your whole story (I think) and I am kinda worried for you and your situation.

The throwing the glass against the wall was, frankly, shocking to me.


I don't know that it was shocking. But I do know that I didn't realize how much I was holding inside until I threw that glass. I've been holding things inside for a long time. I'm worried for me too, because I'm hurting that much.

Quote:
I think you are carrying a lot of hurt, resentment and anger from your first M to the situation now. It sounds like you never really processed the cheating from your first M in a healthy way and it's coming out big time. H's actions triggered all that.


His EA definitely dragged me right back to that place, of the pain I went through before with being cheated on, however I think some of that is normal. I went to therapy for a few years after my first M, and I did a lot of work on myself back then. I don't really give that much thought, or my first H, except to say that my current H knew about all of that pain I went through, and went on ahead and chose to cause me that same pain too. That's where I'm pretty much coming from, but I would not say I'm living directly in the past.

Quote:
I really don't think praying is going to help your anger.


I think praying can do many things.... I witnessed a miracle this summer with prayer, witnessed a miracle with my daughter surviving her birth... I believe prayer can help me, but I also believe in helping myself too.

Quote:
I read the situation with the CDs as a huge positive. I mean he was getting rid of that stuff and trying to do it in a way not to hurt you. Yet you turned it around on him.


I was angry seeing them. He told me they were all gone and when they popped up again, it brought me back into the pain I had repressed from last summer. I get that his action was positive, and I'm glad he tossed them. I don't think this process is going to be cut and dried for me. I'm still feeling a storm inside of me.

Quote:
I don't know of anyone who wants to live in a relationship where their SO could go off at any time and have that held over their head forever and ever. You've done this a couple of times in a few short weeks.


Not so cut and dried for me. I'm still processing this, still trying. I can't stop what I'm feeling inside and shut it down. I have to handle it and address it, or I'm going to make myself more sick than I am now. Hair falling out, MS pain worsening, not sleeping well, anxiety attacks. After my appt yesterday, I've come to see how much I have held in, and how this must be faced. I will be dealing with it in a healthier manner, having a few appts with H before moving.... talking more openly about my anger, rather than reacting.

I'm not holding this over his head forever. It's been Sept, when I found out about his EA. This is still fresh for me. I don't know how to just shut my feelings off, as if it were a tap. Something I'll be working at...

Quote:
There are lots of techniques to help get your anger under control.

There is so much out of your control that can trigger your anger. Facebook, a song on the radio, your H on the computer, etc. I think it's a mistake to think you can just "avoid" your way out of this.


Are you saying I should keep looking at OW's facebook? I'm confused. I don't think it's healthy to be going and checking her facebook... There is a lot that can trigger anger.... from what I understand.... in this process, sometimes we will feel like we are doing great, then suddenly something comes along that reminds us of the event.... and it hits without notice. I don't think I'm avoiding, I'm facing it head on.... but yeah I don't want to feel like I need to check her facebook...I want to put OW behind me... if I can't do that, how do I move on with my M.

Quote:
If money is an issue with therapy, you could start with the library and the self-help section. I can think of a couple of titles that could help you grow from this and work toward a place of forgiveness.

Because right now, it's not a good place for you, him or your daughter.

I hope for the best with you.


Thanks, I really appreciate the feedback.

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Ctflor Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Oneeleven
Ctflor,

I hope you don't mind me intruding on your thread. I was just checking out the other boards and read your most current thread.

I am just wanting to show you some gratitude as your sitch has brought up many memories that I have shoved aside regarding my own. I found just reading yours, has really helped me. So selfishly, thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

Reading through the anger issues that you're going through in response to your H PA shocked me back into a time before my SO deployed. THIS is how I used to treat him. And the response your H gives you? This is how he used to respond to me. Not forever, but he would try at first to be so understanding.
Only I was like this to him over not even a EA, but rather telling a few women in a bar that he was single, when we were together. THEN I used to get this mad with him perhaps on a weekly, sometimes on a DAILY basis regarding his EX wife. It's called retroactive jealousy.
I couldn't help myself. It was like I was two people.
It took the rupture of our relationship to make me seek help. Now that I have the proper tools, I not only can deal with this stuff, but some of it (ex wife jealousy) doesn't even matter to me anymore.
He wasn't perfect, and he made some serious mistakes, but I was *horrible* and he tried to deal with me. So I thank you for the reminder of what I put him through, as I try to stumble through my breakup.
Best of luck to you and you sound like a great person who has a great H.
111


Thanks.... you've given me much to think about as well. I don't expect my h to be forever understanding, or that this anger is something that can go on indefinitely. I was talking about this at the appt yesterday... about how important it is to learn how to handle it in a more healthy way.

To be honest, it scares the hell out of me. I don't feel like myself when it comes to the surface.

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Originally Posted By: angel61
Regarding retrouvaille:

Yes, it will be of help for you. I think actually it is better for people in a more advanced stage of piecing. Your H obviously is doing his best to save the M, and you do want to save the M even if you are being hindered by your anger and resentment.

There are many lessons that can be learned at retrouvaille that will help both of you.

I urge you to go!

Also, do read Love Dare, if you haven't.


We definitely want to go... apparently there will be one near us in the bay area, and hoping we get everything finished up so we can make it.

Funny that you mentioned the Love Dare! I downloaded that app for my ipod a few weeks ago but never really checked it out. Think I will!

Thoughts for the day....

I find myself feeling good, feeling a genuine happiness. Like when our D does something funny and we laugh together, or something comes on TV and H and I are just rolling. He brought up a movie I had made a few years ago of him and D at the park when she was little... I had made a little movie with music and everything. He went and dug it up out of the desk and put it on the TV and I was OK until the movie started to play....

Then I felt this overwhelming pain hit inside.... I look at him, then all of this crap just emerges again. I found a way to reel it in... but later on when he was in the shower, I went outside for a short walk (it was cold!) and by the time I got back I felt better.

I wonder how long this will go on... inside of me, that is.

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