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Ctflor Offline OP
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Have to wonder why I'm freaking out like this.

H was off work today, and we spent the day doing various chores, and he spent time apartment hunting online and calling people/printing out apps, etc.

Inside, I kept feeling like.... he's hiding something again. He's keeping something from me.... and not telling me...

I don't know if it was just a blown up fear or something he was doing that triggered that. To be honest, I don't think he was doing anything.... but being engaged in getting things organized for the move. But to me, it felt like he had pulled back a little and it triggered this huge fear that lasted all day.

I finally did come to him when he was done with his work and I said, "Remember when you said if there was anything on your mind important about us, you wouldn't hold it in and you'd talk about it to me?" and he said he did.... and said if there was anything.... he would definitely talk to me. He told me a few times he loved me and held me....

but... for some ridiculous reason... I just kept feeling paranoid.

Anyone else go through that?

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CT, don't get angry, but have you considered going for professional help? I think you do need it.

The way you describe your H, he is doing everything right. he apologized (mine has not , nor have many on this boards), he is sweet and loving, reassures you of his love. Its normal to find it hard to trust again, to have moments of resentment - but yours are uncontrollable.

I do have my moments and trust me, my H is still in MLC, and he has not even apologized, still has OW's number. I can't even mention OW as he gets all defensive. And yet I manage most of the time to keep my paranoia under control.

I urge you to see a therapist before you push you H away.


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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Yes it's very common to go through what you are. Now that all of your effort towards getting him back is done, your attention is now back to what he did. If you are having a hard time, go and see an IC.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Ctflor Offline OP
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Thanks Angel, Bond

I know I need a therapist. I think I'm okay for awhile, then I feel crazy and completely depressed, paranoid, then angry.

I'm moving out of state in approximately five weeks and I don't know if I want to search for a therapist, get to know them then have to leave and find another.

Angel, I HAVE to calm down. I know I'm going to push him away. Right now he's taking the understanding stance to this, but how long can that last? It's not good.

Bond, I really feel that. I was in survival mode and putting all efforts into getting him back.... now everything is just slamming me.

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You don't necessarily need a T. You have to re-learn trusting your H again. It's not an easy road. I've heard it said that it may take 2 years to get over a betrayal like that. All you need to do is get started now.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Ctflor Offline OP
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In my head I know I need to do this, but I don't know how. And on the days I try .. and try to be closer to him the anger and pain surfaces. I find myself wanting to distance myself just to protect myself.


I was just reading this in 25's thread over in newcomers, hope you don't mind I post this, 25.


Quote:
I can tell you Not to take it personally and I mean it...but you'd say at the time, "how can I not?" There's the rub.

Alas, the Achilles heel...a beautiful kind young woman asked me once, THE question--

"25, if I'm so great, then how can my mate-the one who knows me the best, LEAVE ME? If I'm so wonderful, how can he stop loving me?"

(Indeed? We don't know "how" they can; we only know they apparently can.)

Her fear was what we all fear, i.e., that down deep, truly deep down, we are NOT so wonderful. We fear we are unlovable.

This is a lie. Wherever it came from or is coming into your head now, do not believe it. It is a lie. A falsehood to explain the act of another.

And somehow we have to get it through our heads and hearts (and my adage applies--where the head goes, the heart will follow...eventually)

that it is NOT about a WAS rejecting us, but about them still seeking what they have not found.


This just really hit me in the gut. I was cheated on in my first marriage, now this one. I've never felt like I was good enough, or enough for someone.

Somewhere inside, there is a small part of me that thinks, I'm OK , but when I look at H I have to wonder, why did he do this, and why wasn't I enough...... and why wasn't I what he was looking for. He's been with me all of these years. So suddenly I'm not the right person for him?

Or... it's just his MLC he was going through. I don't know.

::big heavy sigh::

This is mentally exhausting tonight. I just wanna figure it all out ...

It doesn't matter how much H has explained to me what he was feeling, and how to him, ow was secondary to what was going on inside of him.

All I can see is that he did this... he chose to do what he did with ow... and so.... now what.

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Darn it, he made a mistake! A big one! Even God forgives sins, why can't you? Are you better than God? Don't you make mistakes?
Are you perfect? Ask yourself that, before you become too judgemental.

Was that how you acted with your first H too?

When will you make your own big mistake(s)? Maybe you are lucky, you haven't. Or maybe you just have not seen it. When that happens, do you want your H (or whoever is involved) danging it over your head like Damocles sword? On the other hand, if he/she showers you with unconditional love and forgives you and loves you inspite of it all, how would you feel?

Sorry for the 2x4, I am getting frustrated with your attitude. I have trouble with my actions too, but at least, I admit my shortcomings and don't try to justify.


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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Ctflor Offline OP
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I read this a few times over just to think.

There are some things here that speak to me, and a few that don't.

I know he made a mistake, I can accept this, but I'm not in a place to totally forgive. The pain is just too fresh.

With my first M, I never acted like that with him because I was afraid of him. He was abusive, emotionally and physically. I would not dare lash out at him.

I don't think I'm perfect... and I have made some mistakes, albeit not huge ones where I've cheated or walked out. I feel that I've always been the person who gets stomped on, going back to my childhood.

Right now I'm just stuck, and I'm definitely not above God, I know that God forgives and so should I but I think this is going to be a process.

I know that I have the ability to forgive. I forgave my mom, after 30 years of not communicating. She abused me as a child and teen, then pushed me out of the house and her life. When she came to me in 2007 asking for forgiveness, I forgave and we have had a relationship since.

I know I can forgive h, but I am just not there yet. I don't want to hold it over his head forever, no. Because I know how damaging that is going to be.

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Forgiveness is for you, not for the other person. It is for you so you can move on. It does not mean to say that what the other person is "OK" when you forgive. It does not mean that you condone what they have done.

Being angry at the other person is like a festering wound in your soul, clouding how you think and see.

As 25 says, it is like lighting yourself on fire so you can blow smoke in the other persons eyes.

Why are you holding on to it then? When will you forgive?

It is a choice as well, not something that you have to "feel".

Just like it is a decision to love, and commit.


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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All I can see is that he did this... he chose to do what he did with ow... and so.... now what.


that is THE question isn't it? NOW WHAT?

1) You divorce him or 2) you stay married. IF you stay married, you A) either forgive him which is a daily process and series of choices to make

or b) you hold onto it and let it emerge every time you feel insecure and can throw it in his face or hold it over his head forever.

I suspect if you choose to hold onto it, you won't stay married that long anyhow so then you'd have wasted time while still heading to divorce.

So if you really TRULY are choosing to stay married, and I'm not sure you are,

then you really only have one choice. To begin the process of forgiving him and letting it all go...

and working on yourself so that your achilles heel is seen for what it was...mistakes others made in how treated you. As a child, NONE of that could possibly be b/c of you.

As an adult perhaps you chose poorly, which is not the worst flaw to have in the world unless you keep making the same mistakes with that flaw

and insure you'll never let yourself be happy.

The reason we hammer GAL so much here is b/c it helps with the self esteem issues too and a large part of what is holding up your ability to forgive is that you are not yet seeing yourself as the lovable woman you can be.

the happier you are with yourself and your life the less difficult letting go of the past becomes. Remember the words in our vows, "From this day forward"? I take more notice of those words now than before.

Become your best most lovable self and let that sink in your heart til you know it's true (and this is YOUR work to do and no one else's)...our happiness has always been solely our responsibility. Putting it onto someone else's shoulders is unfair and burdensome. Once you are a woman only a fool would leave and you KNOW it, then it will radiate.

What are your GAl things now and have you joined anything or taken a class so you can make new friends?

you can do this

(((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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