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#2209351 - 12/31/11 09:13 AM Moving forward together and piecing
Ctflor Offline
Member

Registered: 07/15/11
Posts: 330
I am starting to feel like I should move over here. And with the new year coming, maybe it's a good time to start this thread.

This morning I got up and checked my email to find a long letter from H. The following is part of what he wrote to me:

I felt guilty because I was supposed to be your partner, your support, your husband... and I betrayed you. What a terrible mistake I have made. It became even more clear what a fool I have been, as I took [daughter] out for a walk yesterday. How could I risk losing her, you, my family... all that I love... all that matters so much to me. I was so wrong. I have opened my eyes and heart, though. It is possible for a person to wake up and change. I'm just sorry that it took this for me to understand what I already had. I can assure you that I wont go back to acting the way I did this summer... or even before. I feel so much now. I feel like a fool who allowed whatever to overshadow the love, the memories... the connection that we had. Now, I'm in a position of rediscovering all the love and passion that we have... and wanting to show you where I'm at in my heart...

For the past few weeks I've been having a really difficult time accepting his changes, and believing that it's real. But I'm starting to feel in my heart that maybe it IS real.

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#2209354 - 12/31/11 09:20 AM Re: Moving forward together and piecing [Re: Ctflor]
imthemom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 343
Loc: California
Ct...i dont know your story, i was just browsing other post and looking for insperation, saw this one.

Again, dont know the history but the email is worded beautifully and i hope it works out for you guys. Happy New Year...:)
_________________________
Me:48 H:42
M: 18 yrs.
S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H
D bomb: 9/9/11
OW confirmed 10/30/11
D papers filed 11/01/11
S15 S21(Special needs) S28

Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...

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#2209894 - 01/02/12 09:28 PM Re: Moving forward together and piecing [Re: imthemom]
Ctflor Offline
Member

Registered: 07/15/11
Posts: 330
Happy New year to you too!

I took a huge step last night and blocked myself from being able to go look at OW's facebook, and her friend's facebook on which she constantly writes on her wall. Today is the first day that I haven't gone to look or read about what is going on in OW's life. I know that from what I read the other day, she is back in the states and is in town with her friends and family. Apparently she came back early. When I read this, my heart sank. Then the fears took over and I started thinking.... what if he finds out? What if he contacted her? What if what if...

As I was sitting there feeling all of that spinning around, h walks in and says "Let's get a pizza and a movie" and was doing his funny dance lol. And earlier that day we prayed together for our relationship, and so I thought.... you know, I'm just NOT going to let this fear win out today. Usually when I feel fearful about something, h has told me he wants me to talk to him about it so we can work on that. But just today, I didn't want to let OW and fear win over the happiness we both are feeling.

H has told me a few times, he doesn't want to think about ow, doesn't care about what she's doing.... and wants the memory of what happened last summer to go away. He knows that I'm still healing and it will take time...but if he has let her go, I need to let her go.

Frankly, I'm tired of reading about her life, looking at her face, and wondering what H ever saw in her to begin with. She's not the most attractive woman... and she seems boring :X I'm tired of trying to figure out what it is he saw in her. It just seems pointless anymore and .... I hate feeling stalkerish just reading her business. Even if it is on the internet and made public.

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#2210119 - 01/03/12 07:51 PM Re: Moving forward together and piecing [Re: Ctflor]
angel61 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/29/10
Posts: 1048
Loc: California
Good for you CTflor! I just snooped lately and of course, the results are always bad. Now H feels like I am back to my spying mode, and its a huge step back for me. Darn it!

Looks like your H is way ahead of mine....
_________________________
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go

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#2210439 - 01/05/12 04:33 AM Re: Moving forward together and piecing [Re: angel61]
Ctflor Offline
Member

Registered: 07/15/11
Posts: 330
Angel, I slipped up. What is wrong with me. I was over at my friends last night visiting and she was showing me her facebook page as she was uploading photos. When she got up to get some drinks, I hopped on and what did I do? I went and looked at ow's facebook, just to see what she has been doing.

Feeling so frustrated about this. What am I really getting out of looking at her life. It's not like she cares about me, or my life, or is a part of it.

I didn't tell my h what I had done. He does know that I was looking, but lately I have not brought this up.

Having a really hard time at letting it go.

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#2210494 - 01/05/12 12:10 PM Re: Moving forward together and piecing [Re: Ctflor]
psalm46:10 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 37
Loc: FL
Ctflor-
How about setting goals for yourself? Say- for 2 days I will not look at her page (maybe even shorter if it is something you do several times a day). You will be amazed how good you feel when you meet that goal. Then try increasing the time.

I had a habit of going in and looking through my husband's room (he lives in the spare bedroom.) I would look under the bed, in the closet, in drawers, in the pockets of his clothes. I never found a thing- but I couldn't help myself! So I finally decided I would take it day by day. So I would tell myself, today, I won't go in there. I did slip a couple times, but I no longer have the urge!!

Hang in there- remember, the only actions you have control over are your own.
_________________________
Me:37 H:44
M:13 T:17
S:8 D:9
H living in spare bedroom since 9/5/11

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#2210511 - 01/05/12 01:38 PM Re: Moving forward together and piecing [Re: psalm46:10]
angel61 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/29/10
Posts: 1048
Loc: California
CTflor,

We all do. I think it is more of a struggle for the LBS once the crisis is over. During the crisis, we were in survivial mode, and for me then, all I wanted was to hold our family and marriage together. Once the crisis is over, the nuances of daily living takes over, the hurt and anger are remembered, and the expectations grow.

I myself have been having huge backslides since Christmas day. I guess the stress of the holidays have made me expect so much more. Read my posts. I haven't finished yet. But yesterday I learned that one of my best friends has gone to seek refugee status because her H is having two A's and has been hitting her, and I also learned that my sister's H has been having an A and supporting the OW through school.

Sort of puts things into perspective, and yesterday it was all I could do to gather my family round me and pray and be thankful. Today I have renewed my resolve to zip my lips and appreciate that my H has come back after his EA.

Just give thanks for all you have and work hard on yourself. take care!
_________________________
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go

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#2210673 - 01/06/12 01:59 AM Re: Moving forward together and piecing [Re: angel61]
Ctflor Offline
Member

Registered: 07/15/11
Posts: 330
Psalm, thank you. I'm definitely going to try that approach. Because I go in with good intentions, and by the end of the day I find myself wanting to unblock her and look. It's making me feel miserable inside.

Angel, you put it exactly as I feel it. I was in the crisis mode and desperate to hold our marriage together, but now that things have calmed down, all of the hurt and anger starts reeling inside of me.

It has been going on more often now and it worries me at times. I ask myself, will I ever be able to move on from this?

H and I have continued having some really good and open conversations about what happened last summer, his feelings, my feelings about how we got to where we were.

I'm trying to keep up with my GAL activities, and I'm not using them as a means to make H worry either. I know that I was doing this, by purposefully being gone too much or too late. After he voiced his fears... I did acknowledge his worries and I saw how I was using GAL in some ways to be purposefully hurtful. Don't want to be doing this...

I do try to keep the mystery going.. .and taking up things that interest me.

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#2210700 - 01/06/12 09:07 AM Re: Moving forward together and piecing [Re: Ctflor]
angel61 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/29/10
Posts: 1048
Loc: California
I have to do more GAL too, CTflor. I think it also helps to keep us from thinking toomuch about past hurts. We have to really and truly forgive and move forward. Easy to say but hard to do, but yesterday I was just talking to a friend of mine and he shared his experience wherein he had done something similar to a GF (been unfaithful) and that although he in the end went back to her and loved her, she would always keep his fault hanging over his head and did not forgive him and in the end, he left her because he could not stand being made guilty all the time. he was remorseful enough in the first place.

In the end we just have to think of what we really want.
_________________________
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go

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#2211597 - 01/10/12 06:45 AM Re: Moving forward together and piecing [Re: angel61]
Ctflor Offline
Member

Registered: 07/15/11
Posts: 330
After reading your post, Angel, then 25's new one over in new comers, I'm sitting here nodding and nearly smiling. Because it's TRUE and I'm screwing up.

There is a reservoir of anger just coming up in me. The past two days have been awful. I totally lost it on my h. Over a song!

We were out for a ride together and then... a song he put on OW's cd came on the radio. He reached forward to change the station and I said, "Why did you do that?" and he said, "I just wanted to listen to something else".

Suddenly I sat there seething. I know why he changed it... cause OW liked Queen, and "Thing Called Love" came on. I think I went crazy for about 30 minutes ..... and unleashed my fury on h.

Out of my mouth.... I say.. "No you are changing it cause SHE likes Queen, and I don't give a damn what she liked. I like Queen and I'm not changing radio stations every time a song comes on from a band that bitch liked."

He just looked at me like.... oh man. He kept quiet too. Kept driving slowly as we went over to a park to look at the moon. We were going to take some pictures together.

I think I wanted him to fight with me.... I just wanted to fight. I was angry as hell and I wanted to just have my say. I went on to say... "She also likes The Who, but that doesn't mean I'm going home and throw out every damn Who cd I have.."

Again, he stayed quiet... and then....after awhile...he says, "I'm so sorry. I know you are angry with me and I deserve this".

I was still angry, and I didn't care to hear "Sorry". In fact hearing him say it made my anger grow more intensely.

After we got to the park he calmly ... and sadly said,

"I am seeing the destruction and pain I caused you and I'm sick over it. I want us to move forward, and I can be patient. I just hope someday you can move forward. I don't ever want to go back to where I was last summer. I'm ashamed for what I've done to you".

I started to calm down, after he said this... then he got tears in his eyes, started to choke and nearly broke down.

I don't know WHAT was going on with me... but for some reason I had feelings like I just wanted to slap him, or make him suffer.

Not sure if this is normal either.

I'm trying to work through all of these emotions....

I'm feeling overcome by them... and for me to have this outburst is not like me at all.

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