Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 13 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 12 13
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
E
ESN Offline
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
DIM,

I think you're in lizard brain.

You're operating from a place of trauma. You're behaving like a traumatized child.

Know this.

That's why you're living on reese's/drinking, whatever. So maybe more like a traumatized teen.

I mean this with LOVE and respect and compassion. When I was in the same boat, it helped me to try to figure out what age I was at, what happened in my life then, and understand I was acting out of that place (as if I were not 40 years old)

See if you can try to cultivate that adult part of yourself and talk to her - is she 8? 18? Calm her down. Tell her "we don't live on reese's anymore, we eat healthy." Practice good self-care.

Remember your boundaries. You don't have to take anything in (a wall) or let anything out. You can take it all in and be a victim and let it all out (which is where I think you're at). Or you can choose to let in what you want and let the rest fall away.

What is getting you about this? Let's get at some of that.

There is a wonderful line in Byron Katie's inquiry practice that asks, "How do you treat yourself when you believe that thought." And basically when we believe stuff about other people "He doesn't listen" "He lies" "He hurt me" - we treat ourselves like crap! Makes no sense, but it's how it works.

Why can't you treat yourself well right now?

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
E
ESN Offline
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
DIM,

I want to add (though 25 said it all really).

You don't have to be paranoid.

You can trust yourself.

That's all. Learn how to feel your feelings (it takes 90 seconds); when we attach stories to those feelings and don't actually feel them, they can last 90 years if we let them.

Get into your body. Breath. Then trust - you.

25 is right - only you can make you feel safe. You're looking outside yourself for just about everything right now. What about what's in you? Do you hate yourself?

What advise would you give your daughter if she were in your shoes?

Cultivate that to the little hurt wounded girl inside you.

That's mothering yourself. It's self-soothing. It's a basic tenent to being a healthy adult and not a codependent one.

Beyond that, trust your gut - your instinct. Because that is the only thing that will tell you directly if your husband is cheating, lying, etc.

Not your best friend, your family, him, anyone else. You. Your intuition.

You'll always have that. No one can take it away but you.

There was a time in your life when you felt your power got taken without your permission.

But you were young then.

Now you're an adult. You have to give permission for someone to take your power away. Have you?

Are you trying to correct a wrong from the past? Recreating that sitch?

Explore these things - with your IC, yourself, in a group, with a coach.

But - in the meantime, get back to calm.

Only and i mean ONLY from this calm place - not from a fearful, jolted, traumatized, unclear one - can you make a rightful decision about your life and marriage.

You have the answer in you. No one else does.

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
E
Eryam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
I wanted to let you all know I'm not ignoring your responses, just mulling them over. I will make a longer response in the future. Thank you all for the time you've given me in trying to help me and my sitch.


I have the patience of Job.
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 990
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 990
dueinMay,
think of yourself as a squirrel, you need to coax yourself out slowly, you cant rush it.


"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
E
ESN Offline
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
I agree with Ken - it takes time. You have to be at least willing to give up some resistance. At least willing to look more at you then H and OW. That's the start...

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
E
ESN Offline
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,574
I love this from Byron Katie's "Loving What Is" - "The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is."

"'Which is more empowering - 'I wish I hadn't lost my job' or 'I lost my job; what can I do now?'"

"The work reveals that what you think should have happened should have happened. It should have happened because it did, and no thinking in the world can change it. This doesn't mean that you should condone or approve of it. It just means that you can see things without resistance and without the confusion of your inner struggle."

There's tons more; it's a whole book! smile - but that struck me.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
25 has some great advice...

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: dueinMay
I wanted to let you all know I'm not ignoring your responses, just mulling them over. I will make a longer response in the future. Thank you all for the time you've given me in trying to help me and my sitch.


Thanks for letting us know. I do get a bit nervous when folks are in crisis and send out a flare, and then disappear.
Read your posts from November again and ask yourself exactly what - if anything - has changed since then.

And know We are all rooting for you.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
E
Eryam Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
I'm super pissed that I can't be super pissed.

We've had two MC sessions since I last posted, and in the first one, he said some line of BS that followed along the same vein as the bomb last year. Which I think is complete and total crap. Even the T said, "I don't understand... I thought this was getting better."

To which I said, "It was getting better. I don't believe anything coming out of his mouth, and I'm not going to listen to it" and I walked out. We drove separate cars (he came directly from work), so I put the baby seat in his car and left.

When he got home, he said, "I'm sorry, I do want things to work out... maybe we can go on a date tomorrow" (one of his complaints is that we don't go on dates, which is untrue seeing as I PLAN and PAY for them. We've had 3 in the past 2 weeks). I said, "ok, yeah, you do that. If all this was true, why the F did you ask me to come home? I was happy. I had a 3 bedroom apt with my sister. I was independent. I had a year lease. Why did you ask me to move home if you were just 'giving it a shot'?" (another BS line he threw out there during the session). Of course, he couldn't come up with an answer, and of course, he did nothing in the way of planning a date.

Then I went on my girls weekend, which was great (and uneventful, which is what I needed).

And then I came back, and we had another MC today, and even the therapist said, "H, I think you're confused.... you need some clarity, and you need to give her specifics as to what you expect if you're unhappy. W, what would you need from him for the ball to get rolling again."

M: I need him to get a full physical and get his testosterone tested and get into individual counseling.
H: What will that prove?
M: If you have low test. then that might explain your lack of sex drive. And it might explain your depression.
H: Who said I have depression?
T: Do you think you have depression?
H: I don't know....
T: Well, we've only done the MMPI with you. Based on your family of origin, I think it would be wise to do some additional personality testing to see if you have a genetic mood disorder.
H: Ok. I have to notify my company for my security clearance.
T: That's fine.
H: How much will it cost?
T: A copay, usually.
M: I'll pay for it if you take it.
T: Ok, so that sounds like some things that he can work on.
LONG PAUSE
M: I need to know what he wants from me.
LONG PAUSE
T: Well, I think the finances are a strong theme I detect. And taking care of your physical appearance.
M: Yes, but how much? For what? How quickly? What do you want the physical appearance to be? What size? What weight? What measurements?
T: Well, usually we don't try to define those things for the appearance. Usually it's a 'work out X times per week...'
M: Ok, so what are they?
H: Well, I don't know just... more....
M: NO! NO, I'm not doing this wishy washy crap! You need to give me parameters. You do this to people all the time. You are pissed with them, they try to make it work, you make some vague suggestions and then when they do what they think is right based on what you've said, you come up with some lame excuse as to how it wasn't what you wanted. You slip right out of it.
H: I do?
M: Yes (proceeds to tell him multiple occasions). So, no, sorry, you're not doing it to me. You tell me what you want, and I will rise to the occasion. You watch.
LONG PAUSE
T: Well, H, I guess that's something for you to think about for next session.

Ugh I'm so f-ing fed up with him. I'm so sick of him lying to himself.

I was so happy with my best friend this weekend. I didn't worry about H and his crap. I didn't worry whether or not I should have been doing something else. I didn't want to leave. Not even to come home to my D.

I honestly don't think H would be saying any of this if I hadn't found those things, if I hadn't attacked him, if I hadn't been giving him the 3rd degree.

So yes, this is my fault.

So what do I do? Leave until I'm done being angry? Because I'm still angry. And this BS just makes me more angry. He's rewriting history. He's making excuses. Rather than saying, "I don't like it that you're angry", he's saying that he never had rebuilt our relationship. I think because then he would have to say, "Why is my W angry?"

And then he would come to the answer "oh, that's right, because I was a huge f-ing d-bag who tried to ruin our lives".

It's to the point where I want to abandon my family. Not forever and ever. But I just want to ditch for the time being. I want to go to work, and come home, and not owe anything to anyone.

I took H's contact information out of my phone. I took him off my latitude (which he immediately asked back. I guess this makes sense seeing as the baby is with me). I think I'm going to take off my wedding ring and sleep on the couch.

I just don't feel like playing the game right now.


I have the patience of Job.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Great job at standing firm. He is still looking for someone to blame rather than taking personal responsibility. Forget about him for a bit.

Most important thing is that you got yourself back.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Page 5 of 13 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 12 13

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard