Day One of . . .Year One??

[BeingMe]

Hi Pumpkin! Nice to read that you're doing well.

[punkin]

One day at a time.

Finally found a Christmas tree I wanted. I have 10 foot ceilings, and wanted a taller tree than I had, plus, I just didn't want to put up the tree from 'the past'. Just knowing I now have MY tree makes me look forward to the Holidays. I'm gearing up for Halloween, feeling more and more like my old self.

Going to San Francisco on son's dime for Thanksgiving. He and his gf haven't been home in 3 years, so I'm looking forward to the visit. Also have invitations to Sarasota, FL for next May, and an offer of a free cruise with my BFF next Labor Day. Yes, that's me, International Pumpkin. I'm actually able to enjoy the thought of traveling and seeing sights again.

I was looking back at some of my old posts. Actually, OUR old posts. We've certainly come a long way baby. It's nice to be able to come back here and catch up with old friends we went through the wars with, isn't it.

OBSERVATION: It seems that the males in our little family are far more able to get out there again. Is that just a male thing, or do males and females just take longer to heal and/or cope with their failed relationships?

[punkin]

Hi guys. X and I finally went to court today on the contempt charge for non pymt of alimony. He has caught up as of last week, but I still expected him to pay for my attorney fees. That was the only point of today. I haven't seen him in over a year.

Understand I take no pleasure out of this. In fact, I had tears in my eyes, and do as I type, thinking about the deterioration I saw. He weighs at least 250 lbs. He even has jowls. His nose and cheeks are bright red with broken capillaries. He couldn't even cross his legs. I wanted to shake his new wifey and ask her "Why aren't you taking care of him???" I know that's ridiculous. I know that he is responsible for himself, and that his apparent hate of me is only a reflection of his own guilt and self hatred, but . . .

I won my point. He has 30 days to pay my lawyer's fees. He disclosed that he is due to retire in October, and my half of his retirement should begin within 90 days of his retirement. I can think of no reason we should have to communicate or cross paths.

I just feel so bad for him. I tried my best to take care of him for 20 years. It was sort of Job One with me. It truly breaks my heart. I have no anger, just pain.

That may have been part of my problem all along. I have a Savior complex. I kept trying to fix his problems. In effect, fix him. Wife was dressed up, but he is wearing a shirt I bought him at least 3 years ago, that had no hope of ever matching the button to the button hole ever again. ( T shirt underneath)

Stupid of me to feel so blue, but can't seem to shake it.

Thanks for listening.

[BeingMe]

So sorry to hear this, Punkin. The man you married is gone, it would seem. Only he can bring him back. At least, new (and I spit this out) "wife" won't get everything.

Take care.

[kml]

Aww, Punkin - sorry about that.

I get where you're coming from though. Just yesterday I found myself thinking about some medical advice my ex needs. Information that I have (am expert in!) but that he just wouldn't hear from me when we were married (because he was so busy trying to find reasons to make his leaving be my fault, he couldn't possibly take my advice on anything).

Some days I find myself thinking, well maybe now he'd listen to me, since we've been broken up for over 3 years and he's now engaged to his new young fiancee. Even though he was a [censored] to me,(and I don't want him back, no,no,no) I still worry about his health. I guess we are lucky that we have that ability.

[beatrice]

Punkin - I really relate to what you wrote - shortly after leaving me my xh developed a medical condition which if caught in time could have been dealt with relatively easily. I saw him briefly at the theatre about two and a half years after he left and thought he looked terribly ill. Six months later I got a call that he had advanced cancer [ of a diagnosable/treatable type if caught early]. He then underwent nearly a year of treatment and surgery, and now lives with a permanent disability, and reduced life expectancy.

I am morally certain that if he had been living with me, or at least on friendly terms, I would have seen how ill he was much sooner. Truly in the May when I saw him he looked liked death, but didn't get it diagnosed until early September of that year!

MLC is so so destructive and sad.

[job]

Punkin,
Your posting sounded so much like one I would have written years ago about my xh, right down to the buttons not meeting the buttonholes. I felt the same way that you do right now, but had to accept early on that there was nothing I could do for him. I just don't get it...when there's another person involved and they don't see that the mlcer needs medical attention or change their diet. I use to think that my xh's new wife encouraged him to drink, eat a lot of fast food, etc., so that she could get her hands on his money, but I now don't think it's all her, but him.

Punkin, I'm glad you finally got the back pay settled and everything appears to be going okay for you now...please don't dwell too long on his appearance. I know it's awful and sad, but you did the best you could for him when he was w/you and that is what matters. You loved this man w/your heart and soul. I'm so sorry you had to see him like that.

Bea, I agree w/you...mlc is so very destructive and sad. I hope and pray that these mlcers will some day see the light and realize what a good life they had and then threw it all away.

[punkin]

Thanks everyone for your input. It's always nice to have compatriats out there who have been through the same wars.

I can't say everything is looking rosier this morning; I still have a splitting headache, didn't sleep much at all last night, and have a full day of work ahead of me. This is definitely one of those LET GO AND LET GOD moments. I prayed for him last night, asked God to help him help himself. I'll keep doing that as the days and weeks go on. That is the extint of my involvement. Period. I have to let it go.

Anyone got any exciting Labor Day weekend plans? If the hurrican doesn't reach me and flood me out, I'm planning to paint my house. At least START painting my house. One can at a time. ( My neighbors are going to hate me)

[job]

Punkin,
You are doing the right thing...praying for him. I know exactly how you feel. I worried myself sick when I actually saw him and the way he looked. God is the only one that can turn him around now.

We are suppose to get rain most of the weekend. I'm hoping to get some yard work done and maybe see what's playing at the movies if it does rain.

What color are you painting the house?

[seeking answers]

Punkin,
My heart goes out to you.

I have seen this with my H as well. He was a smoker when we met. As the R got more serious I talked to him about quitting. I did not nag as he never smoked in the house or anywhere that I was with him. I just wanted him around longer as his Mom and her 9 siblings all died early deaths due to complications from smoking.

When I got pregnant with our first child, H decided to quit. He remained smoke free for 26 years, except for 3 weeks when his mother died.

When he left and moved in with ow, who is a smoker, he immediately took it up again. This time with a vengeance. The kids have reported that he's a chain smoker, as is ow.

When the kids asked why he started smoking again he retorted that it was your mother who made me quit.

I have seen him with a cigarette since and it almost like he is saying see, I can do what I want.

To me it seemed like he was a teenager saying, I'm doing this and you can't stop me.

I don't know if it was him "showing me" that he had washed away any influence I'd had on his life.

Yep, he has certainly shown me by golly. The only thing is that he is destroying himself to do it.