Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,588
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,588
ETB,

Sorry I missed your response. That was my very first thought as to how to respond. lol

Then I thought about it. What would it accomplish to get sucked in?

Let him wonder about it...

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,375
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,375
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
Cat, I must admit that what you said hadn't even entered my mind. I didn't make those phone calls but if he's truly thinking I may have, well then he can just go on believing it. I won't respond.


We get so far away from it, that we don't always see the attatchment that they still have to us...

Until it smacks us in the face...

Lived it, still live it...just a bit differently...sigh...

Don't forget what you are dealing with...

Or you may end up back on the ride.



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
cat04 #2206866 12/21/11 05:18 AM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 889
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 889
SA.... I agree, I wouldn't respond or if you do, just make it a clear and concise one stating you don't know who made the calls but you suggest the kids be talked to about it. You're acknowledging it, but you're not taking responsibility for it either like he wants you to.

I recently had big spew from stbx after NC for 3 months over his inability to pay child support and it being all my fault. Oh yes! He didn't pay me child support with no fowarning, or trying to talk to me about it at all. With my attorney's help this situation was quickly resolved and I did get my child support. He then did another spewing, and now is being much nicer to me. yes I just went for a little loopdee loop on that rollercoaster... but got off a whole lot sooner this time!

Cat made a good point. WE detatch some and get away from it and then HELLO here we are again getting smacked in the face with this stuff. Very good insight, that they still must be attatched to us in order to have such strong reactions. Makes total sense, because I realize the strong feelings I still feel are a result of me still being attatched to him. But I've come so far and am so proud of myself. It will just still take time.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Kimmerz #2206867 12/21/11 05:28 AM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,405
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,405
I like what cat04 says about "the ride." If there is one regret I have about my own behavior in the past few years, it's that I responded so many times to such inane stuff that was usually something meant to push my buttons. Sometimes I feel like the MLCer tries really hard to stay out of contact and then loses it over something random and stupid and uses that as a way to initiate contact. I don't know that they're even conscious of their "button-pushing behavior" all the time, either.

The less we respond, usually, the better for us. Do what you have to and walk away :-)


M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
I guess it's too much of an expectation to think he should treat me the same.

Question asked and answered.

You know what I say about that..... ^^^^^^^^


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2206902 12/21/11 02:14 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,132
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 3,132
SA

Just to switch topics for a sec......


MERRY CHRISTMAS!

smile


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,588
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 2,588
I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas as I did.

Journaling here...I attached no significance to anything except for the fact that Snodderly said the MLCer is miserable and it seems that she, as usual, is spot on...

This might be a rather long one.

We're going back to Fri. Dec. 23. D19 was supposed to take D13 shopping to let her pick out some last minute gifts. D19 got a call from her boyfriend and must have gotten a better offer...So the two girls argue back and forth somewhat and D13 gets the great idea to call her father.

H said he was out shopping and that if D19 could run Jordan to Wal-Mart he'd meet them there and D13 could shop with him and D19 could go meet her BF. So the two girls leave the house...a little later I get a frantic phone call from D19. H failed to mention that he was out shopping with ow. D19 spotted them first and H didn't even recognize the girls even though he looked straight at them. They ducked behind a clothes rack and called me.

D19 was upset never having met ow before and has adamantly refused to. D13 got on the phone with me and said that D19 wouldn't bring her home, what should she do? I said do what you have to do. D13 has met the ow before.

So, by the time the girls come out from behind the clothes rack, H and ow had moved on continuing to shop. D19 was not going to turn D13 loose in the chaotic store alone so she stiffened her backbone and she and D13 went to find them. When they come upon them, ow and H were arguing. The girls couldn't tell about what...

Both Ds approached H and he turned from ow and got a big smile on his face and made over D19 and D13. He turned his back on ow and ignored her. He hugged and kissed D19 and never even tried to introduce ow to her. D19 said as her Dad was hugging her ow gave her the death glare and D19 said she gave it right back to her. ow looked down at the floor the whole time D19 was talking to H. D19 hugged and kissed her Dad goodbye and left D13 with them.

D13 said that ow didn't say one word to her the whole time she was with them. In fact, ow went her own way and H and D13 hung out shopping together. H even helped D pick out gifts for us. D said there was tension between H and ow, like they were just PO at each other the whole time. D asked her Dad (in private) if he could drop ow off at their house before he brought her home. Even though it was the long way around, H agreed. H and D sat outside my house for at least 30 minutes watching S24's light show. S24 has rigged the lights up to 'dance' to the Christmas music he's programmed. It is spectacular, but H has seen it multiple times although not in its entirety as far as I know.
Sounds like someone in no hurry to get home.

This isn't the first time I've heard lately that H and ow haven't looked happy out together while out shopping. Someone that DIL works with who knows the sitch and supports H and ow being together because they are happy now, told DIL that she'd seen them out shopping recently and H just looked angry and unhappy... H's cousin also told me that she'd seen them together out shopping and H again looked mad.

Who knows? It could just be the stress of Christmas and shopping. It would be the opposite of what I knew H to be around this time of year. He always liked to be out and among the masses to shop. This was the only time of the year that he liked it.

Dec. 24, H and S27 go do their annual shopping trip together. This used to include S24 too, until H left...H mentions to S27 that ow has to work on Christmas day and they discuss what time H should come to my house the next morning. They agree on 7:30 am because S and DIL have to be at her Dad and stepmother's between 9:30 and 10:00 for breakfast with a whole bunch of family members and then to have their Christmas with them.

Dec. 25 - S and DIL arrive at my house at about 7:15. 7:30 comes and no H. 8:00, no H. 8:30, still no H. D13 calls him, no answer. 9:00, still no H and no word from him. Finally D13 gets a hold of him at 9:15. He tells her he'll be there when he gets there...

S27 and DIL take off for her parent's house as it takes a good 20 minutes or more to get there, and can't wait anymore. H calls just after they leave and tells D he's on his way. She told him that S and DIL already left. He yells over the phone as he is madder than a hornet about it. He tells the girls to be ready when he gets here so that they can help him unload the truck.

I went into my den and shut the door when H finally arrived. I could hear the girls and H but couldn't make out what was being said while they were in the family room. He told them that he hadn't been to sleep yet by 5:00 that morning. He said that he was at the ER. While ow was at work the day before, a man patient grabbed her and knocked her head into the wall a few times. (She works in a nursing home) Apparently the pain got worse when she got home that night and he ended up running her to the ER and they gave her some sort of muscle relaxer.

So, by 5:00 am yesterday morning when they finally get home from the ER and H finishes up wrapping he decided to sit in his chair a while before coming over to my house and ended up falling asleep and that's why he was late.

He stays for the girls opening their gifts. I had prepared some appetizers (Little smokies wrapped in bacon, covered in brown sugar and baked in the oven) and made a cookie tray up beforehand and H really enjoyed them if the number he ate was any indication... He was getting ready to leave and I hear him at the door. He asks the girls if anybody is coming over for dinner and our Christmas later, besides S27 and DIL? So very strange that he seems unconcerned that he's left ow at home, drugged up, and is asking them if we're going to have anyone else here later besides us...

I'm not reading anything into anything. I just thank God that I'm in a much better place now than the first Christmas, and even last year's. I'm not saying that I didn't have any feelings about hearing them in there together having a good time which was so special to us in year's past, but all I felt were little twinges. I did not feel any need to see him. Not that I was afraid or hiding, I just didn't need to put myself through something that I have no part in anymore.

We had our Christmas as a family later. After we were done opening gifts, I prepared the dinner S27 had bought for us. We had prime rib, baked potato, shrimp and stuffed mushrooms. It was so good!

Wouldn't you know that DIL went home and posted on FB about how delicious it was and that I am a great cook.

We changed it up this year and have started new traditions. H has always just wanted a buffet type meal on Christmas day. I'd make homemade lasagna with my own sauce, and we'd have a veggie tray, dips, cheese, pepperoni and crackers, just snacky type foods.

Cleaning up later, I found a receipt that must have fallen out of H's jacket while he was here. It was dated the 23rd of Dec., the day D13 was out shopping with him. On it among other things was for a couple tins of frozen lasagna...

If you've gotten this far, bless you. lol This just gives some clue to those that think that the MLCer is living the high life, that all is not as it seems.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Seeking,
I'm glad to read that you had a nice Christmas. Good for your dil in posting what a wonderful cook you are!

Appearances are deceiving aren't they? We all think that they are living the good life and look what has been revealed to you in the past 48 hours. A purchase of tin food when he could have had a home cooked meal? The ow drugged up and yet he left her to come spend some time w/his family? The arguing? I honestly don't think it was the stress of the season. I think it's been going on for quite some time. He is torn and the more he pulls towards the family he left behind, the worse it will get for him.

As you move along, more and more will be revealed to you. It's not a happy life over in his little world. It takes long time for them to come to realize what they have lost and may never regain. So sad.

But on a different note, enjoy the rest of the holidays. It sounds like everything turned out okay yesterday and now on to the new year!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2208382 12/27/11 08:25 PM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,549
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 2,549
Inspiring post. I believe this is just a small glimpse of how hard reality is for the mid-lifer. OW got her Karma in the nursing home.....


Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11

TRUSTING #2208417 12/27/11 10:29 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 4,042
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 4,042
Merry Christmas, my friend. Glad you had a good one.

I am not at all surprised by what you wrote. They ran away from themselves. In time, most realize, though wont admit, that the bandaid they tried didnt work because the problem was within them.

Oh well. Their choice.

You are doing great. I wish you all good things in the coming year.

Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard