Good stuff, alamo... including your response to your W's letter, IMHO...
It might be time to take a stronger stand on owning your responsibility in the M, as far as your W...
You have appologized many time now, for your offences. From how I've learned to know you, you are remorseful. That being said, your W has not been able to "let it go" in the sense that she is not forgiving you... that's how it appears, to me... so she still blames you and points your old deficiencies in your face...
It may be time for you to simply let her know that you while you validate how she felt, that you have apologised many times in the past and that you have let that part of you go and are moving forward and therefore would apreciate that she stop smearing it in your face...
Now, I'm not sure how to say it, but that's the idea... I think 25 has a good way of putting this type of response...
As for job becoming possible career... well, that would be great... although I would say that, like your M... that is something that MIGHT happen in the future, so keep doing what you are doing, but have no expectations that WILL happen... and also, don't close yourself off to the possibility that something else, just as good or better, might come along...
ie. Don't put all your eggs in one basket...
Keep the possibility of SC in your pocket and keep working on the idea of 50/50 and how that might work in various scenarios...
fwiw, there are ways to apologize without admitting specifics. Like "W, I don't recall it that way but I am sorry I hurt you. If I had the chance to do it all over I'd do many things differently."
Several of her assertions, if admitted by you, are not at all helpful to you.
Did you get physical with her? Did you purpoesly drop your son? Those are criminal offenses in all states and I've had clients in jail for less. Admitting them is dangerous for you. IT's one thing to LEARN from them, another thing to lose your liberty.
The allegation of child porn is a serious one and that gets jail time....don't minimize that.
On the other hand, I'd argue, if I were your L, that if she really had any of these fears why on earth does she let you have son at all?
I would not count on seeing him at all in SC if these are things she's willing to put in writing.
Also your first sentence with her letter, to us, is that it was mostly true and then "mostly not true."
Well?
Anyhow Her letter is calm, powerful and resolute. See what your L says. Send nothing more to her until you get a legal opinion.
And try to use this as a tool for your future. I think there is a lot to learn from this.
If half of what she says is true, I hope you've done some deep digging inward. That is where the real journey in life is.
Definitely. That's why I stayed away from stating anything that agrees with specifics of the letter. All of you are right about how to use this letter; I see it as a window to my past and a guide to my present and future.
"Mostly true...mostly not true" -- I was waxing poetic there. Just to clear things: I was physical, but never ever hit her. I grabbed her and held her, half of the time was to stop her from cutting herself. She would either have a razor blade to cut her thighs, or occasionally a knife. She would do that when she was under great sorrow -- she did it with her parents, and she did it dealing with the porn. Many times, I've have to wrestle with her to get the blade out her hands, so no wonder she might've received hand-imprints on her body. Mind you, she bruises easy (I've seen her bump into things and the bruise would look like she was punched; even "crazy" sex caused it sometimes).
I've also always been pained that my wife claims that I purposefully dropped our baby son. I remember that I was tired, was trying to hold our son in a different position, and I lost my grip. The "drop" was probably 3 inches. But due to everything that had occurred during that time (dealing with my parents and having another porn discovery), she was on-edge and read that as "Aaron is bad".
Your point about her fears yet still letting me take care of our son is spot on. I have been thinking the same way since the day she left and my counselor agrees as well. She states that she has our son's best interest in mind, so by letting our son be with me is basically endorsing my credibility as a father and role-model (?). Her leaving for SC has nothing to do with the values and education system or environment of that state, but more about her education/job. Plain and simple.
Speaking of which, it's also interesting that in her letter, she didn't forgets to mention that while she was in med school (with admitted less time to be home than she has now, even factoring in the fact that she chose to be a B/C-grade student), I took care of all things home-related. Some things I wasn't good at (like paperwork), but many things I was (like taking care of our son, cooking, cleaning).
Good stuff, alamo... including your response to your W's letter, IMHO...
It might be time to take a stronger stand on owning your responsibility in the M, as far as your W...
You have appologized many time now, for your offences. From how I've learned to know you, you are remorseful. That being said, your W has not been able to "let it go" in the sense that she is not forgiving you... that's how it appears, to me... so she still blames you and points your old deficiencies in your face...
It may be time for you to simply let her know that you while you validate how she felt, that you have apologised many times in the past and that you have let that part of you go and are moving forward and therefore would apreciate that she stop smearing it in your face...
Now, I'm not sure how to say it, but that's the idea... I think 25 has a good way of putting this type of response...
As for job becoming possible career... well, that would be great... although I would say that, like your M... that is something that MIGHT happen in the future, so keep doing what you are doing, but have no expectations that WILL happen... and also, don't close yourself off to the possibility that something else, just as good or better, might come along...
ie. Don't put all your eggs in one basket...
Keep the possibility of SC in your pocket and keep working on the idea of 50/50 and how that might work in various scenarios...
and keep moving forward...
Yeah, this new job has been the strangest of experiences so far. First they hire me as a temp. Then one week later, 1 (out of two) of the employees left for Apple (who wouldn't?) and my boss immediately offered me the job. So now I have only one other colleague (besides my boss) who is on maternity leave until June. Flying solo as a rookie and leading the projects for two more-experienced folks have shown my boss what I'm capable of. When she came to me about her job, I said that she should give it to the girl who is on maternity leave - she's been here longer and has more experience, after all. My boss said that she didn't see that girl (who's more on the creative side) being able work in a technical position like hers.
My boss asked me to read up on some things, so I guess she's mentoring me.
UPDATE This week my wife began her ICU rotation in Richmond (high crime rate, i.e. high intake). For the past two days she's texted me to let me know that she'd be late to fetch our son (at 6pm usually) or probably not at all. I was friendly and made a point to show genuine interest of her new rotation, while staying away from being too "relationship-y" or being the same old Alamo, communication-wise.
3/26/12 W (12:49pm): Started icu rotation in Richmond today w/ a dictator. May b late. Will let u know M: Yikes, one of those docs, huh? Thanks for letting me know. W (4:58pm): Im not getting out until at least 9. Tomorrow should b better M: Don't sweat it! I'll put E to sleep. Take care
I contacted our daycare teacher that I'd be dropping our son off at my usual time before I head out to work, but then...
W (5:54pm): Just got done give me half hour M: Ok
Contacted teacher again to inform the change in plans. Our son was excited to stay the night with me, and I had to tell him sorry.
When my wife came, she off-handedly started talking about her schedule tomorrow. I said "Is it one of those crazy attendings (doctors)?" Then she started describing to me in short detail the person that doc is, etc.
3/27/12 W (5:53pm): Emergency running late M: OK, keep us posted. W (6:39pm): Not gonna make it. Just intubated and put in carotid lines. Two pts coded so may not get out of here till 10 M: OK no problem. It's fixing to keep pouring hard tonight, so be careful on the road.
I added the last part because I know my wife has real issues driving at night, especially in the rain; we never really talked about it much in the past. Also, I did so because I was aware of weather intel in our area and she wasn't, so even as a friend, I wanted to give her a head's up on her drive back.
I wonder how her internship will be? Oh, wait, I know. It'll stink!
This week of her crazy hours is a glimpse into her life in SC...she has a rude awakening coming her way.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
UPDATE Does this never end? My wife found something else to attack me with. Tonight, she sent me the following email:
"Hi Alamo,
I was looking at some pictures of E (our son) that you posted on facebook and noticed you had some houseguests recently called "couch surfers." On researching I found that these are people you don't know that stay in your home. I am not comfortable with you having strangers in your house with our son. Upon looking at your profile I was further alarmed to see that you advertise to the whole world that you have a 3 year old son complete with pictures. I'm shocked that you would be so reckless with our son. If you continue to participate in this than I can't in good conscious allow E to stay over night anymore.
Wife"
To which I say, (a) I screen my couchsurfers (so far only two couples have stayed with me) and so does the Couchsurfing; (b) I mention our son in the description because I'm describing my home setting, i.e. how many people live in my house, what kind of pets I have (if any), the rules I want couchsurfers to comply with because of my home setting, etc., (c) only 1 photo in my couchsurfing album has a face shot of our son; (d) By the default Faceook setting, there are friends of friends who are able to view my albums and of our son, so why isn't she alarmed by that?
So should I even answer my wife? What makes her think I have a poor judgement of people's character? I mean, she is no better, is she? After all, with reference to all her allegations, she, in all her wisdom and great judgement, chose me to be her life partner.
Or should I get off the couch-surfing radar for awhile?
My head hurts just thinking about it...
BTW, after meeting with my counselor on Friday, we will be completing the filing for child custody sometime this week; not something I wish on anybody. As Cosmo Kramer said, "The cat is out of the bag." It is something I have to do. Keep me in your prayers, brothers and sisters! Love you guys.
As a parent of a 12 and 7 yr old when my W and I split, as this adventure was just beginning for me... I was concerned about some of the stuff that my W was doing in regards to the kids...
Just this weekend, my W to me because I was asking the where abouts of D14 and whom she was with and D14 complained to my W. To which my W spewed on me and indicated that she doesn't ask the kids what they are doing or who they are with...
????? Really...?
Now, I think that's BS, but it's not worth my while to argue about. Still, if I called CFS on my W based on her words as made in an email and the observations of others over the past year, I'm sure they might have some issue or concerns...
So what I'm saying is, your W is concerned for the well being of your son. Whether you feel she is right or wrong in her concerns, they are valid as a parent. And I'm not sure that if she wanted to make some legal case out of it, that it might not go to well for you.
Your choice of course, but those are might thoughts...
Originally Posted By: alamo76
So should I even answer my wife? What makes her think I have a poor judgement of people's character? I mean, she is no better, is she?After all, with reference to all her allegations, she, in all her wisdom and great judgement, chose me to be her life partner.
On this, certainly a bit of anger there. And I get that... and you are venting here and I get that...
still, the tit for tat thinking and rationalizing through anger may not be hugely beneficial for you in the long run...
You're absolutely right, Kaffe -- I was venting; just need to get things like these off my chest once in a while.
Just not very certain how to approach/reply to her. I'm thinking of writing something like this:
"Wife, your concern for E's safety and well-being is valid. I feel the same way too. This Couchsurfing organization does a great job screening and verifying travelers, but I also do my own screening on top of that to ensure that the surfers fit our home environment. I also use it as one of the opportunities to teach our son about being hospitable, charitable and just to meet people whom I think he'll enjoy having around.
Nonetheless, I will put this activity on hold until such time we can discuss its pros and cons.
