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#2230001 - 03/13/12 01:59 AM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: alamo76]
alamo76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 903
Loc: Benicia, CA
UPDATE 6pm
Two things:
a. Will be emailing my wife (along with a running bill of childcare expenses) tonight with the following message:

"Hi Wife, in the upcoming move to SC, I was wondering if we can reform E's schedule to be more balanced (i.e. 50:50) between us? If you prefer, we can set aside some time to discuss this more indepthly.

- Ala
mo"


What do y'all think? I will send this out tonight. I've been praying hard about this.

b. Feel like a stupid doofus for a silly snafu I made when my wife came to pick our son up. After all the ruckus that's going on (see my previous posts), I have had friends/family advise me to keep 911 on speed-dial or to lock my doors when my wife comes. A bit much I thought, but today when we came out our usual garage access door to meet mommy, one of us must've accidentally locked the knob (this is not the first time I've locked myself out; it's probably the 3rd or 4th time). After handing over our son into his mom's arms, I remembered that his half-eaten apple was still in the house. So when I realized I locked myself out, I grabbed the key that hangs by the door to open it. My wife sees this, scoffingly laughs and says: "Are you THAT afraid of me? You afraid that I might take your $20 that you'd make off the garage sale?" I stupidly played along and said, "I'm protecting my privacy."

W: I went in to get my stuff because you obviously weren't going to give it back.

M: You came into my house without permission. I said that I will going through the things in the garage and sort them out, but you were impatient.

W: I told you long time ago.

M: You told me 2 days (fact: 3/5/12) before you came into the house.

W: Oh, I'm quite sure it was longer than that.

That was the gist of the conversation and I'm sick to my stomach. Again.
_________________________
M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112

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#2230750 - 03/15/12 05:48 AM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: alamo76]
alamo76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 903
Loc: Benicia, CA
UPDATE
My wife responded to my email above with this message:

"Hi Alamo,

I'm not really sure what this means. Are you moving to SC. Are you staying in California?"

That's all she wrote. I'm not sure how best to reply. I don't want to sound as if I am giving her an ultimatum, as in, "if you don't give us 50:50 share of our son, then I'm not going to consider moving to SC AND I'm going to file for an ex parte, by the way."

I was thinking something like this: "Wife, my first option is to move to SC. I do hope, however, that we can work together to create a 50:50 plan for our son."

What do you think?
_________________________
M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112

Top
#2230752 - 03/15/12 06:00 AM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: alamo76]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Sorry I haven't been watching your thread, alamo...

Geeze she baited you and you took it... oh well, no big deal in the bigger picture I suppose...

How long ago did she respond?

The reality is, it seems she's hyper sensitive right now. Could be because of the impending doom. She's begging for a fight to remind her of why she's chosen her path.

I think that no matter how you respond, she is going to attack you... I don't have any real suggestions right now, but how might you respond that is not "more of the same"...? Now might be a great way to display a major 180.

She's bunkered in and holed up tight... you can either keep on the same path... or stop playing her game by her rules... and still not go on the attack...

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#2230754 - 03/15/12 06:39 AM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: ~ kd ~]
alamo76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 903
Loc: Benicia, CA
She just responded tonight, if that counts for anything.
_________________________
M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112

Top
#2230852 - 03/15/12 03:18 PM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: alamo76]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
For me, it does count. Because it took me a long time to get used to not responding right away. Because when I did respond quickly, it generally was emotion based and maybe not quite as well thought out as it should have been.

Not that there are perfect ways of saying what we mean or feel.

Just rather that we actually DO NOT say things in the emotion.

So all I'm saying here is, you might say exactly the same thing two days from now. Just wait for a couple days and see if you want to say the same thing...

You might... just give it some time... it doesn't need to be responded to right now...

Make sense?

I think you've done pretty good, but you still weren't practised enough to not take her bait. Use this as an opportunity to practice biting your tongue.

Then... you might respond something to the effect of...

"I am thinking about SC. I am still trying to consider how 50:50 might work and would prefer it over any other option."

OK, I can imagine 50:50 would be hugely difficult if you didn't go to SC. But it will come across as using your S and the courts if you don't get what you want.

Take SC out of the equation. She may bring it up as an ultimatum as well.

But this is about both of you wrapping your heads around 50:50... no matter HOW it might work...

again... make sense...?

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#2231655 - 03/19/12 02:26 AM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: ~ kd ~]
alamo76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 903
Loc: Benicia, CA
Kaffe, when you write "make sense?", you almost sound like 25! And that's a compliment.

Anyway, last night I responded to my wife's email per Kaffe's suggestion. I think my initial thoughts as well as the final message were pretty on par, i.e. not much negative emotions tied to them.

If she doesn't give me a reply, I will bring it up again in a week or two through email. If she refuses or doesn't respond again, I will begin the ex parte process. Boooo...

Today I have to admit that I'm emotionally drained. This past week as part of our new Bible class assignment, we made it a point to pray for people (family, friends, "enemies) who are important in our lives. I've been doing this for the past year or so, but having dedicated prayers, say, for my wife has taken a lot out of me. I love her, yet it's so hard nowadays, you know what I mean?
_________________________
M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112

Top
#2231802 - 03/19/12 06:25 PM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: alamo76]
alamo76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 903
Loc: Benicia, CA
UPDATE 8am
I had a question for our son's daycare provider today and I was told that our son wouldn't be going in to school today. She said my wife had texted her yesterday (Sunday). What?!? Why wasn't I kept in the loop.
So I texted my wife is our son was okay because I heard that he wasn't going to school. Her response was, "Oh ya, was just about to txt you. I just had the day off so kept him home. "

I feel like I need to catch her on not keeping me informed in the first place, but I'm not sure what to write. I was supposed to pick our son up from school and my wife hasn't bothered to arrange that either.
_________________________
M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112

Top
#2231806 - 03/19/12 06:49 PM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: Rick1963]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10625
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: Rick1963
I believe you can only D in the state where you M.


False.


You can divorce where you own property or where you reside (established usually within 6 months although less in Nevada, for example, OR where the child resides, among other places. )

States may vie for jurisdiction and often do. Sometimes the first to file (in whichever state that is) takes precedence.

States may also share some aspects of the divorce such as custody.

The state the child lives in ALWAYS has an interest in the child's welfare, even if another state ruled.

But so Might another state (for instance where the primary caregiver lived/lives)...

I'll finish your thread now...
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2231816 - 03/19/12 07:13 PM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: alamo76]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10625
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: alamo76
UPDATE 8am
I had a question for our son's daycare provider today and I was told that our son wouldn't be going in to school today. She said my wife had texted her yesterday (Sunday). What?!? Why wasn't I kept in the loop.
So I texted my wife is our son was okay because I heard that he wasn't going to school. Her response was, "Oh ya, was just about to txt you. I just had the day off so kept him home. "


Hey, pick your battles carefully. Son got one on one time with a parent, insted of daycare, and that is a good thing, right?

Why assume she would NOT tell you that you did not have to pick him up? She just said she was about to text you.

I think Assuming the worst of our spouses does not help the situation (but preparing for it, legally, DOES help)


which brings me to 2 points Alamo.

From what you wrote here, I was not clear that you only had 30% custody and yet, she was in medical training and some of that time you were not employed. Why didn't you have him more?

Also I'm still not clear on what your goals are re custody or moving. You just started a new job

and now you MAY move to SC, but then you got vague on what that would take for you to do. (Vague with HER anyhow...)

It's crucial that you speak with clarity when you communicate with her or you will sound weak.

I don't mean for you to sound controlling but I DO Mean for you to sound more sure of yourself.

You are not "asking" her for a favor, you are asserting your rights as a father.

Finally, why did you keep all of the tax refund? Appears punitive/wrong and besides,

wasnt' she the main breadwinner?

Alamo, I've been on your side this whole time.

But I can only tell you that if I were in her shoes, and if I have my facts straight,

I'd have seen that as hugely negative. Don't know what your goal was there.


I feel like I need to catch her on not keeping me informed in the first place, but I'm not sure what to write. I was supposed to pick our son up from school and my wife hasn't bothered to arrange that either.


hmmm

first you know how the need to "catch her on this" sounds to me, right?

Yeah, like the old angry petty Alamo...

And btw,
exactly what is to arrange, if she has him? You Just don't pick him up at daycare.

When is your time scheduled with him? Does this clearly interfere with that? IF so, let her know you'll pick him up at the usual time.

No blame or anger...just factual statements.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2231851 - 03/19/12 08:57 PM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
mykarma Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/11
Posts: 791
Loc: TX
Alamo:

Its good you are now working and have a good job.

But now your wife is planning on moving to SC and you are worried that your time with your son is going to be affected. I can definitely understand your situation.

But when you send her email about the 50/50 custody, better plan on what you plan to do to get that 50/50 custody. Like either moving to SC to find a job close to your W.

Seems like your not changing is a common thing that your W brings up. Now it could be that she just likes to egg you on, for which you cannot do much but stand strong and calm. If not, maybe you can see what you can change so that she sees you in a different light

Just a suggestion. when my Wife filed it was just me working. But i still split our 2010 tax returns with her 50/50 because i wanted her to know that i value my honor and word over money. I should say that it did help.

Good luck man.
_________________________
BITS
M 35
W 32
D 4
Married 11 yrs
W left for 6 months in 2009
W Filed for D 01/03/11
piecing now...

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