Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 13 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 12 13
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
Christmas day is here and it feels just how I thought it would. I dropped my kids off to my W last night and even though I've had them the last 3 days, I find myself missing my kids more than ever. And it's not just my kids, but my W, who I love with all my heart, I miss just as much. Never did I think that I would ever have to go through the holidays without my W standing beside me. I so wish to have my M whole again.


Me36, W38
S12, S3
T20, M4
Bomb dropped 8/18/11
Moved out 8/18/11
Filed for D 10/20/11
OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
Chin up, LH. I am feeling the exact same way today. Know that your kids love and miss you, too. Who knows what next year, next Christmas will hold, friend. Keep busy today and remember - tomorrow is just December 26th. It will all be behind us.

Crimson

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
Today wasn't a very good day for me. Without my kids for the first time on Christmas day. I know it should be just another day, but it isn't. I find myself day dreaming about my W and what she looked like when I dropped my kids off yesterday--dreaming about what should have been.

This is supposed to be the joyous time of year, yet it is the hardest time to be without your family--the people that mean the most in your life. I find myself crying most of the day away thinking about things that I've lost, time that I will never get back, and the time that I will not have with my kids going forward.

Today is supposed to be filled with love and happiness, yet I find myself alone, depressed, and unhappy. I try to do everything I can to make myself better. I pave the road to make things easier. I do whatever it takes to make things right. But I do not see the light and the end of this tunnel--I can only hope that it is there.


Me36, W38
S12, S3
T20, M4
Bomb dropped 8/18/11
Moved out 8/18/11
Filed for D 10/20/11
OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
Well, I made the first mediation appointment today. I guess the end of my M is closer than I want it to be, but what else can I do? This is all moving too fast. I feel like my life is out of control and the only end that I see is one that has me and my W apart. Today is hard because I am not in control of my emotions and I have this painful hurt in my heart that will not go away. I cannot stop thinking about my W and what it is that I am losing.


Me36, W38
S12, S3
T20, M4
Bomb dropped 8/18/11
Moved out 8/18/11
Filed for D 10/20/11
OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 308
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 308
Don't worry, Luv. The first few months are definitely excruciating. I remember those days and recognize them as the lowest point in my existence thus far. But it does get better, even though it feels like it never will. Everyone eventually gets over whatever happens to them as long as they keep on keepin' on.


Us: mid-20s
T: 5.5 yrs
M: 2 yrs
S + OM: 6/21/11
Legally S'd: 9/9/11

In this life, you have a limited amount of mental currency. You get what you pay for, so spend it wisely.

So it goes. --Kurt Vonnegut
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
Got to spend some time with my kids that last couple of days and boy does that make a difference. I love my kids with all my heart, but it really kills me that I don't get to see them everyday.

The W is being vicious again, accusing me of things that aren't true and again giving me different reasons for leaving. It seems like the reasons go back and forth on different things and how she is feeling on that day. If it was just the "I don't love you anymore" excuse and that was it, then part of me would understand, but when you leave and it's one reason, then a few weeks later it another reason, then a month later it's yet another reason, it gets really tiresome. I think she is just searching for a reason that makes sense to her so it can justify her leaving.

Her entire family has pretty much written me off and removed me from their lives, which is pretty sad really. I've know these people for over 20 years and now nothing. Hell, I even helped her two sisters learn to drive and tried to be supportive whenever possible, now it's like I don't exist.

I am getting really tired of this whole situation. One day it's one thing, the next it's another. I love my W and I love my family and it really hurts me to see the sadness and confusion in my sons eyes. If nothing else, I wish for his pain to go away, because for me, to see my son in so much pain hurts me more than my than my own.

I'm in this for the long haul and I won't give up. At times I may be down and feel like all is lost and when I do, I hope to be able to turn to this forum and its members for support, just as you have always done and for that I thank each and every one of you.


Me36, W38
S12, S3
T20, M4
Bomb dropped 8/18/11
Moved out 8/18/11
Filed for D 10/20/11
OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
With the holidays now over, I must admit that the last 2 weeks have been really hard for me. Not seeing my kids everyday is hard, but it's even harder when I don't see them on X-Mas morning or during half of their X-mas break. Usually we do something as a family during this time, but with the pending D and the resulting loss of funds, we couldn't do much besides just me spending some quality time at home with the kids.

No amount of preparation could have prepared me for the loss that I felt during the holidays. From not being able to see the look in my kids and W's eyes as they open presents X-mas morning. To not being able to hold and kiss my W at the stroke of midnight on January 1st and the excitement in my kids eyes as they drink sparkling grape juice to celebrate the new year.

I know everyone says that 2012 will be better and that we will all get through this, but I don't know how to feel anymore. I want to get through this, but I also want to be with my W. I just feel that sometimes just getting through it means that I am giving up on my M and my W.


Me36, W38
S12, S3
T20, M4
Bomb dropped 8/18/11
Moved out 8/18/11
Filed for D 10/20/11
OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 35
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 35
I can relate to alot of what ur feeling Luv. Our timeline and sitch are pretty similar. Ive been through the mediation part aswell, not fun. It is amazing though how this brings us so much closer to our kids and im thankfull for that. Im sure your W has noticed too and thats a positive. My W has even critisized me for all the love and attention ive been giving my kids.I walked away with a smile.

Keep up the good work!


M40
W39
S14
D7
bomb 8/11
PA 10/11
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 308
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 308
I totally get what you're saying about your W coming up with a laundry list of reasons why YOU are the reason the M fell apart. I too have probably heard 10-20 reasons why I am 110% to blame and why OM is the solution. Probably has a lot more to do with her own rationalization process rather than what's real.

Sorry to hear about your in-laws, man. It's terrible just how cold people can be in a sitch like that. But then again, blood runs thick. Their reaction doesn't surprise me.


Us: mid-20s
T: 5.5 yrs
M: 2 yrs
S + OM: 6/21/11
Legally S'd: 9/9/11

In this life, you have a limited amount of mental currency. You get what you pay for, so spend it wisely.

So it goes. --Kurt Vonnegut
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
How's it going Luvhurts? Any progress? How are you feeling?

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Page 8 of 13 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 12 13

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard