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Thank you all for your support and suggestions. I really do appreciate them. Obviously, some things are harder to do than others, but I try to do what I can as far as GAL and trying not to think about my situation as much.

Friends help and having time to have my kids play with my friends kids is nice and the kids have a blast. It also allows me to take my mind off things for a bit. It's at night and during down time is when I seem to have the most problem. Whether it's a song, TV show, or simply a smell, something always seems to trigger a memory and gets me thinking about things and from there things go down hill.

I thought I had been through just about everything the last 8 months. From the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. I've ridden the roller coaster many, many times. I've learned things that I wish I never learned and of course I've done things that I'm not proud of. But nothing and I mean nothing prepared me for the events that transpired at my S12 IC office (see my last post).

My W comes from a family where saying ILY and hugging and kissing are commonplace. My family, not so much. Because of this, we have modeled our own family after her family in many ways. That's why it comes to such a shock to not see any emotion from her, nothing but a blank slate when her own child is begging to be with his dad as opposed to being with his mom.

It's not like I only see my kids every once in a while, I see them all the time. We each have the kids 50% of the time. Sometimes I get them a little more depending on scheduling issues, but it's never less than 50% of the time.

I am one who rarely is at a loss for words, but the actions or rather in-actions of my W just floored me. This is a woman that I am passionately in love with, who has the largest, most caring heart I've ever known, and to have that kind of unemotional reaction...I'm left to wonder just what happened to my W? What happened to the loving and caring mother of our children? I am simply without words.


Me36, W38
S12, S3
T20, M4
Bomb dropped 8/18/11
Moved out 8/18/11
Filed for D 10/20/11
OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
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Originally Posted By: luvhurts49
I am one who rarely is at a loss for words, but the actions or rather in-actions of my W just floored me. This is a woman that I am passionately in love with, who has the largest, most caring heart I've ever known, and to have that kind of unemotional reaction...I'm left to wonder just what happened to my W? What happened to the loving and caring mother of our children? I am simply without words.


She is in an impenetrable FOG. Nothing you can do or say will change that. At least not right now. So quit trying so hard.

I went to see my IC yesterday and told him about my exhaustion over dealing with my own sitch which has been going on since last September. He reminded me that I have been putting so much energy into this thing that my mental and physical reserves are running low and this explains my exhaustion. And when you think about it, who wouldn't be?

He suggested I do visualization exercises that help me put my mind in a better place. Here are some ideas he suggested:

- List those things that make me happy
- What do I like to do
- Visualization exercise of me when i am most happy
- What type of relationship do I want to have

Although I paid for this advice, I am sharing it with you at no cost. Just see if you can't get your mind to a better place.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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I read a book talking about how damaging your expectations can be. You can improve your situation by learning to drop your expectations of your wife. Instead, expect that she will never do anything differently than she does now. Assume she is not a caring mother and you will not be disappointed, instead you stand to be pleasantly surprised if she steps up.

Assume that the treatment you get now is the best you will ever get and make that your baseline expectation and you will be happier.

I, like you, felt that my wife was a wonderful caring parent. "The Captain" on the SSM forum suggested to me that a wonderful caring mother would not cheat on her husband and break up her family. That, by definition, makes her less than a wonderful or caring mother. The person you thought you knew so well is gone. Accept that and you're on the road to peace.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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I thought my H was the most caring as well. My bff always compared the men she was dating to my H. But guess what? He's human and flawed just like so many of us. frown

I don't want to downplay your pain because it is very real. But you are the only one that can help yourself.

Honestly.. I was a mess. A complete mess. And there were moment when I didn't think I could continue on. But this board became a lifesaver. When I felt I didn't have anyone to talk to.. I came here.. I received love.. Support.. And sometimes a much needed kick in the pants.

The expectations are huge!!! Agree with accuray.. When you lower your expectations.. You lower the chances of being disappointed. It is so very hard to do.. But if you can find your way there, an amazing life awaits you


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
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Posts: 157
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It's very hard for me to accept that my W is this new person. Not because she is so different, but rather because she is so uncaring and unforgiving. I understand that everyone wants to be young again and live life to the fullest, but we can't stay in our 20's forever...at some point we need to sit down and realize that life is pretty good in your 30's and beyond.

I keep hoping that this "new" person my W has become is only temporary, but I don't know. What I do know that I, my family and friends, and our kids have noticed that she is different, but no one from her family sees it. Kind of amazing once you sit down and actually think about it.


Me36, W38
S12, S3
T20, M4
Bomb dropped 8/18/11
Moved out 8/18/11
Filed for D 10/20/11
OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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It's possible that your memories of W aren't quite reflective of what your reality was. It's a natural thing to see your W through rose colored glasses in the situation you're in. The statement you make in the last sentence is the kind of perspective that will help. Step outside of your situation, look at it as a third party observer, and evaluate how "good" each of you have been. I would suggest that neither of you probably have lived up to your current vision of how great your wife was. People have flaws and hurt each other and that's just part of the deal as I'm sure you know. Oldtimer points out that the difference between a WAS and an LBS is just a matter of who took action first.

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to change your perspective and see your W's changes as permanent, and act on that basis. That way, you will not be disappointed, and will not spend time agonizing over when she might return to her old self. Who you see now is who she is until she proves that she's someone else -- and that may never happen.

I'm not at all suggesting that it will be easy, but if you want to set a goal to end your suffering, that's one way to go about it. The other path, of course, is to focus on you and your changes, and to take pride in that. If you can do both of those things together, you will come out the other side in the best possible place -- you'll know W would be extremely lucky to have you back, and that's the attitude you want to have.

You've said that you're unhappy with the amount of money you make, and with the ratio of your expenses to your income. What are you going to do about that? Working on a plan for that might really help you feel better.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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