Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 13 1 2 3 12 13
#2204935 12/12/11 05:11 PM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
Accuray, I don't think my W feels any guilt over my unhappiness. In fact, I think she gets some sort of perverse pleasure in seeing me unhappy. In her mind, I've caused her all this unhappiness in her, which caused her to leave and start this whole process. So now, any unhappiness shown by me is her adding to her pleasure and further justifies her decision (again, in her mind).

Of course what she isn't seeing is the effect this is having on our children. While the 3 year old is too young to understand, the 12 year old is definitely acting out and is displaying mood swings.

Unfortunately, my W and I have gotten to the point where we don't even talk anymore. The only communication we have is via text. In fact, we haven't talked since I confronted her about the OM, just over a month ago. Now we are full fledged into our D and is probably gonna get ugly really quick.


Me36, W38
S12, S3
T20, M4
Bomb dropped 8/18/11
Moved out 8/18/11
Filed for D 10/20/11
OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
Originally Posted By: Luvhurts49
I think she gets some sort of perverse pleasure in seeing me unhappy.


Why do you say that? Is she doing things that seem mean and spiteful with no other purpose than to make you feel badly?

I read a book called "Mindful Loving" that says you can basically boil all human interactions down to two things: (1) operating from a place of love, or (2) operating from a place of fear.

Anger, jealousy, spite, and being mean are fear-based. The book recommends that if you feel you are being mistreated, try to shift your perspective, and rather than seeing the other person's actions as motivated by malice, see them as coming from a place of fear. If you can understand that fear and where it's coming from, you can act to remove it or at least not make it worse. More importantly, you will view their actions with sympathy and pity instead of anger and insult.

She's lashing out at you not because she's evil, but because she's afraid of something -- afraid of what you might do to her in the divorce, afraid of facing the person she is becoming, afraid of facing the consequences of what she's done. Maybe she's afraid that OM will leave her -- if she's not secure in that relationship, if OM is not making her feel good about herself, she may be taking out that fear of being unworthy on you.

Luvhurts, I feel for you. I've followed your situation from the beginning and have tried to help, but it's hard not knowing you personally and not being able to talk to you directly. That is why I found the DB coach so helpful for me. If nothing else, she really helped me feel better about myself through this crisis.

If your W is truly crazy and has gone off the deep end, there is nothing you can do about that. All you can do is apply time and patience, be the best person you can be and hope she comes around.

If she is hell-bent on divorce, is involved with OM and is acting with malice, you do need to protect yourself. Hopefully you are confident in your choice of lawyer and he has you covered.

Forgetting about W for a while, what are you doing for yourself? Have you figured out any GAL activities? I know you are spending quality time with your kids and that is giving you some enjoyment, but when they are not around, what are you doing with yourself? As I mentioned previously, I bought an inexpensive road bike on Craigslist and racked up tons of miles, and picked up an inexpensive electric guitar and taught myself to play. Both of those were things I felt really good about that I could do on my schedule and didn't require me to commute or spend money on an ongoing basis. They were both also very inexpensive one-time investments, and if I sell them I'll probably get back what I paid. What are you doing for you?

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
Originally Posted By: luvhurts49
I think she gets some sort of perverse pleasure in seeing me unhappy. In her mind, I've caused her all this unhappiness in her, which caused her to leave and start this whole process. So now, any unhappiness shown by me is her adding to her pleasure and further justifies her decision (again, in her mind).



I don't think I would agree with you there, although I can certainly understand how you could feel that way.

Dealing with a WAS is one of the most UN-pleasant things ever. Understanding the why's and how's help some, but only as much as WE can understand. One aspect of that is...


That WE can only look at it from our side of things, and often, we interpret our feelings and emotions into what they SHOULD be thinking or feeling. We apply OUR tools and values to what they are feeling of thinking.

As detachment comes, often we step back and try to understand that a person is only capable of giving outwardly, what they are feeling internally. And the pain is masked as anger when we finally see that pain.

What I would like for you to learn, is to validate that those are HER feelings on things, and nothing YOU can do will change HER feelings.

Is it the truth ? Who knows, more often than not.....no

Is it HER truth ? You betcha it is.

Please don't ever think that she is not in pain over her decision. That would simply be untrue.

How could you better validate HER truth ?



Originally Posted By: luvhurts49

Of course what she isn't seeing is the effect this is having on our children. While the 3 year old is too young to understand, the 12 year old is definitely acting out and is displaying mood swings.



Easy on that soapbox my friend.

It is easy to "grandstand" for the sake of the kids.

Play this one easy. Do what YOU have to do to be a parent. A single parent, playing both roles for them.

Your job is not to facilitate the relationship between them, it is to not interfere with that relationship.

What relationship SHE chooses to build, should have no bearing on what YOUR relationship is.

That is one of the hardest things about this, and we DO have to keep an eye on our children. Please keep doing the right thing by them , and let the rest fall where it falls.



Originally Posted By: luvhurts49

Unfortunately, my W and I have gotten to the point where we don't even talk anymore. The only communication we have is via text. In fact, we haven't talked since I confronted her about the OM, just over a month ago. Now we are full fledged into our D and is probably gonna get ugly really quick.



In hindsight, you will see this differently than you do today.

NC gives you a chance to back off, and ease away from the things that hurt YOU....

NC is for your emotional protection at this point.

I feel for you buddy, and I wish I could help more. All I can do is offer what I have learned through this , and if you have any questions, please don't be afraid to ask.

I have been in your shoes, and I know how they fit....

Peace to you...

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,356
N
NLW Offline
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,356
Accuracy,
Just to reinforce what has been suggested by others:

My H recently apologised for being angry and hard to deal with when we were trying to sort out a financial matter.

When I asked him why he was angry, he said it was because he was afraid - specifically of me and of what I would do to him in our situation.

My first response (in my head only) was to shout 'what I would do to you?????'

Because I see myself as the victim in all of this. I don't want the marriage to end. I see him as ruining our future, wreckage our finances, etc.

His view is the opposite - to the extent that he experiences real fear of what I will do...

Coming to a realisation that this is how he's experienced our relationship has been a sobering thing, and makes me try to deal with his 'outbursts' in a different way. It's not easy, but there it is.

NLW

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Originally Posted By: Mach1

NC gives you a chance to back off, and ease away from the things that hurt YOU....

NC is for your emotional protection at this point.



I've found this to be true for me. But I think it takes time to get there. I also find that email is even better than text because with text we expect a response right away. Email allows you space and to sit with it for awhile and get past the emotion.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
@Accuray: Yes, I believe that my W does things that are mean and spiteful with no other purpose than to make me feel badly? However, I do think that she is afraid. I don't know if she is afraid of giving us another chance, afraid of being hurt, afraid what is going to come of the D, or afraid for the kids, but I really do believe that she is afraid of something.

As far as GAL, it's been really hard. I've recently found out that one of my two closest friends, who I've talked to in confidence, has been telling my W things that I didn't necessarily want her to know. Unfortunately, I'm not 100% sure which of these two are saying things, so I have basically cut myself off from both which [censored], because the one friend is the one that I can usually go out with. So I really haven't been able to get out much other than to go do a little X-mas shopping for the kids (which I have spent WAY too much).


Me36, W38
S12, S3
T20, M4
Bomb dropped 8/18/11
Moved out 8/18/11
Filed for D 10/20/11
OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
Did you confront these friends? I would probably do that as one may be falsely accused at this point.

Since you know your W is operating from a place of fear, try to train yourself to view her that way when she is being mean to you. You'll be surprised how much that perspective shift will help your attitude and response to what you are receiving. If you see her as a scared little girl acting out versus a vengeful woman your response will be very different and more effective.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
I have tried that, but then the responses become even more mean and she usually then becomes more distant.

On a side note, the last two days have been a little weird. When she came to drop off S3, the first day I go to get him out of the car and she comes up from behind me and puts her hand on my side with her arm around me. Then this morning, she gives my S3 a hug, then I take S3 into my arms and she then gives us both a hug.

I thought the roller coaster stuff ended a month ago. I don't know if I can handle going through this again, but what am I to do? I mean, I want to hug her and I want her attention, but how do I do that without driving myself nuts?

The other thought that I had was, lately, the only time that she is nice is when she wants something. What could she possibly want other than to make the holidays even worse for me?


Me36, W38
S12, S3
T20, M4
Bomb dropped 8/18/11
Moved out 8/18/11
Filed for D 10/20/11
OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
I have not yet confronted my friends because I'm not sure which one it is that has been saying things. Of course, it is also possible that both are saying things too. Anyway, these two friends are related and spend quite a bit of time around one another, so it's gonna be kinda hard to figure out which it is. However, I did tell one friend a kinda tale that isn't 100% true just to see who ends up with the information.


Me36, W38
S12, S3
T20, M4
Bomb dropped 8/18/11
Moved out 8/18/11
Filed for D 10/20/11
OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 157
My God it's amazing how a simple thing such as hug can mess with your mind so much. My anxiety is up, can't think about the stuff I should be concentrating on, and I've bought another ticket for this freaking roller coaster. Why-o-why does my brain not work? I should know better than this and I should know better than to let this get to me, but my heart is screamin'. Damn.


Me36, W38
S12, S3
T20, M4
Bomb dropped 8/18/11
Moved out 8/18/11
Filed for D 10/20/11
OM Confirmed 11/5/11
Page 1 of 13 1 2 3 12 13

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard