Into the darkness - DB full steam ahead

[2thepoint]

Time for a new thread. Below are links to my first 2 threads:

Thread #1

Thread #2

Now that I have moved out (albiet just some clothes and a few essentials until the apartment becomes available) it is time to start going Dark/Dim and put on the full court DB press.

My mood was not as ominous as it had been a few days ago. I went to the gym, ran a few errands, attended a band event for my S13 and now at soccer practice. I had to run to the store to get a few essentials (laundry detergent, hangers, soap, etc.) and it felt a little surreal only because I wasn't getting these items for my family but for me in my home away from home.

I had very limited contact my W today. Mostly logistical stuff related to the kids. I stopped by the house late this afternoon to pick up my S and W asked how I was and if I was staying where she had hoped I was staying, (I was considering staying in my fully contained camper but friends & W talked me out of it).

So this is where I guess I start to dim the lights and go a little dark. I think my DB efforts have been OK up to this point but I know that now that I am out of the house, I need to really get good at this.

Any words of wisdom are always appreciated!

[2thepoint]

^

[2thepoint]

Attended my IC session this morning and after running down the events of the past few days I told the C that I now want to focus on establishing goals and developing solutions for improving myself. C seemed pleased that I was ready to begin this journey in earnest. So that will be our focus for our next several visits, goals + solutions.

One thing I shared with the C was my W's idea that I will spend Thanksgiving with the family (including her parents who come to town next week). I'm feeling a little uneasy about being there. Part of me says, hell yea, sign me up. The other part says WTF, W wants/needs space but wants me there for Thanksgiving? I don't get it! The C was perplexed by this as well.

I went to the house this morning to walk S9 to the school bus stop then back to the house to hang with S13 as he was getting ready for school. While there I noticed that W has decided to move back into the MB. It was just a few days ago that she was adamant that she was going to stay in the guest bedroom and have son sleep on the couch and her parents camp out in his room.

I'm glad she moved to the other room but it seems strange that she changed her mind. Don't know what to make of it or if I should even care. Just searching for signs I guess.

Another thing that has me puzzled is that my W has been sending me links via email to various job postings. A lot of them are for part-time or work from home type positions that really aren't going to work for me if I am to be living on my own and fully supporting myself and share in support of the kids.

I've been reading on other posts about the WAW's need to have respect for the spouse. W has told me repeatedly that my managing my little business and staying home has never been a problem, except in my own head. For me however, I feel like I need to be doing something more fulfilling and definitely need to bring in more $$ as my new living arrangements dictate.

And so I wonder how much this "respect" thing or lack there of, is playing into my relationship with my W. Is my seeming lack of self respect because I am no longer the bread winner playing into this? Does she sense this and is simply trying to help? Or, perhaps she senses this in herself (this lack of respect for me) that she is trying to fix it. All questions I have but also realize I should not try to mind read. Still, it has me puzzled.

[workinghardguy]

Stop trying to mind read, you will drive yourself nuts...

Why did she moved into the master bedroom? Who cares... why do WAW do anything they do?

The sense of confusion you are getting is because she is confused. She's confused so you get to be confused to. This is where the detachment part comes in.

Confusion only matters if you are emotionally reliant on the outcome. You see something that you interpret as hope. You get a warm fuzzy from that. Then something else spikes it and you get down. Then something else happens and you get a warm fuzzy. And so on.

View her actions in the light of someone who doesn't really know what they want. That doesn't mean you should hang your hat on that hope, only that she is confused. You can choose to be attached to that or not. But the longer you are the more up and down you'll be.

And the job listing? Totally soothing her own guilt. Personally, I wouldn't even acknowledge them. Not your job to make her feel better for the guilt related to her actions.

[2thepoint]

WHG - thanks for the post!

View her actions in the light of someone who doesn't really know what they want. That doesn't mean you should hang your hat on that hope, only that she is confused. You can choose to be attached to that or not. But the longer you are the more up and down you'll be.

I know this is true. Detachment is a difficult thing to execute effectively!!

And the job listing? Totally soothing her own guilt. Personally, I wouldn't even acknowledge them. Not your job to make her feel better for the guilt related to her actions.

Thanks for this. Fortunately, I haven't acknowledged any of the emails. In one she even said "I hope you don't mind me doing this for you." I didn't respond to that one either.

[MrBond]

On the issue of respect, you start it off by having respect in yourself. Respect as to what you will or will not tolerate. Respect in yourself as a man and father.

Start having pride in yourself and what you do. If you don't like what you're doing now, then change it. That's the premise of DB. All that stuff about GAL, give your spouse space, etc. is basically for you to get yourself back.

[2thepoint]

Thanks for the feedback, Mr. Bond. All good advice!

Quick post:

Took S9 out to dinner with friends who I needed to share my news with since they live down the street from where I'm currently staying. I feel better about not having to lurk in the shadows around friends and was happy that they were supportive of me.

Dropped S9 off at home and saw W briefly. She was on the phone and computer and told whoever she was talking to that she'd have to call back, (I'm sure it was OM). Ah, what can I do about that? Nothing!

S9 has a soccer game tomorrow and W suggested we ride together to the game. I will take her up on the suggestion if for no other reason than to save on the gas. However, I think in good DB fashion, next time I will decline and ride by myself.

[2thepoint]

Brief update:

It has been 4 days since moving out of the house and I am feeling a little blue. I think it is mostly loneliness since the friend I am staying with is out of town and I am alone for the weekend.

I attended S9's soccer game today and rode with the family to the game. W seemed in good spirits for the most part although she complained of a headache during the game. After we got home, I dropped S9 off at a birthday party while W took a nap. I texted her a few hours later to remind her not to forget to pick up S9. I don't think that was pursuit.

The house after only 4 days was pretty much a wreck. Is it wrong to take some small comfort in the fact that my W is finding it difficult to keep things together now that I'm out of the house?

Tomorrow morning I'll attend an early morning church service. This is the 3rd week in a row that I've attended a church service, the most successive weeks since I was a kid and I'm finding a great deal of comfort in this new ritual.

I hope that when I move to my own apartment in a few weeks that I'll feel a little more settled. I don't think the loneliness will subside necessarily but I do feel like if I can get into a routine and start to build a new life while I continue to DB, things will get a little better.

[2thepoint]

Interesting day today.

Attended church this morning followed by a few hours at the gym. I brought S9 with me and he did several runs on the climbing rock wall which was cool for him and great bonding time for us both. We stopped by Mickey D's and ran into a friend who gave me a hug , (a little unusual for a couple of guys, i suppose).

Anyway, brought S9 home and was hanging out with S13 when other S said mom wanted to show me something. So I go into the bedroom and W is showing me a slide show of pictures from yesterdays soccer game. The pictures were really good but this is not unusual. She always takes good pictures!

What was unusual was that W never shows me the pictures she takes. I usually just look at pictures in the camera after the fact. So this seemed like something to me.

Conversation with my W was easy today, no friction and easy laughter. I was telling her about my night last night where another roommate staying with me and my friend came home at 3am with another friend and they were up talking and laughing till 5am. I told her that I didn't get much sleep as a result. W then suggests I could take a nap there if I wanted, (hmmm, now isn't that interesting?).

W went to take a shower and I went out to wash one of the cars. It was a nice day so I took off my shirt to get some sun. A little later I went into the house to change a light bulb in the master bath and I knocked on the bedroom door and asked my W if she was descent. She said yes but as soon as I entered, she said in a flirting tone... "but I see your're not", (I still had my shirt off). I didn't respond but in my mind I was hoping she was noticing my newly chiseled physique.

I was getting ready to leave when W said she needed to run to the store and also run an errand and could I stay and watch the kids till she got back. No problem. I used the time to hang with the boys, watch a some football and play a little frisbee.

I already had plans to watch football with a friend and was getting a little impatient since W was taking significantly longer than I had anticipated. I texted W to see if she would be home soon and she responded that she was on her way but had been chatting with the W of the friend with whom I was going to watch football, (what a coincidence!).

So W comes home as S9 and I were playing frisbee (I think it is always good for W to see me playing with the kids). Anyway, I leave and head for my friends house.

My friends W confirms she spoke with my W when they saw each other at the store. She mentioned to my W that she had heard of our split and offered her support, to which my W began to cry. But, they apparently had a good conversation part of which included my W saying that "she was hoping that our time apart will allow each of us to work on ourselves and then work on us" or something to that effect.

So this has me feeling somewhat hopeful but I also know that I need to be careful not to believe anything I hear, at least right now.

Finally, several hours after I left W sends me a text thanking me for washing her car. It was well past dark at this time so she clearly must have been thinking about this for some time.

So, all in all I feel like the weekend turned out better than I expected. I know I have a very long way to go, but I'm starting to see signs. I just hope they're not a mirage.

[sayitaintso]

2TP- Sounds like you had a great weekend, that's GREAT! I feel the same way about not wanting to read too much into some good moments but I think that it's ok for us to enjoy those moments and allow them to inspire us and give us hope. After all, it's tough staying so motivated in these difficult times.

Keep up the great work!!!