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#2204300 - 12/09/11 08:45 AM Re: Paranoid! [Re: Abbey]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
Originally Posted By: Abbey
What's going on with you is completely normal. Quit beating yourself up over this. He cheated on YOU. He betrayed YOU. He did this TO YOU.
cheers
Abbey smile


THIS is the truth, isn't it? From time to time I've been told by therapists & friends, "He didn't do this to YOU!" Which is so crazy-making because it sure feels like he did....and he did it to our kids too. Especially so because in his abducted alien mind, he was cruel to his whole family, even the dog! I ASKED him for something to improve our R. He point blank said it wasn't going to happen. So I suggested a separation because he was unwilling to work on us. I offered to move to our cottage and he then told me he didn't know what he would do without me. SO when someone tells me, "He didn't do this to YOU" I see red.

OK, so I will accept that this whole show has forced me into my own growth. Yay, AFGO! wink
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Top
#2204301 - 12/09/11 08:46 AM Re: Paranoid! [Re: MynameisMZ]
Abbey Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/08
Posts: 659
Originally Posted By: MynameisMZ

"No matter how strong you are, or how determined you might be to save your marriage, I guarantee that your emotions will ambush you from time to time." Michele Weiner Davis


I esp like this one. As strong as we all like try to be... as determined, we still can mess up from time to time.

One instance during my dark period, my H broke me down enough to get me to admit my feelings for him on the phone. I thought after the call, ok... I blew it. I didn't, but at the time, I sure felt like I did. I was so determined to stay dim/dark that I didn't recognize the opportunity to reach out a little to keep the interest between both of us.

Yours, ... is a learning experience. One that shows just how raw that betrayal still is for you. In time, that hardens, then the things you see will filter into the right basket of "need to worry", or "no need to worry".

Cheers
Abbey
_________________________
T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.

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#2204495 - 12/09/11 09:20 PM Re: Paranoid! [Re: Abbey]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
Maybe your H needed to KNOW what you felt for him. My H is so fragile, more than he will ever be ABLE to let show.

I was quite surprised to find that the 180 in our R was to go after him, hunt him down, show him I DID care!
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Top
#2204496 - 12/09/11 09:22 PM Re: Paranoid! [Re: MynameisMZ]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
Other people can chime in. This isn't just about an exchange between Abbey and me.

My sitch is about keeping it all going after piecing has been established. All the toxins that come to the surface.
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Top
#2204575 - 12/10/11 08:54 AM Re: Paranoid! [Re: MynameisMZ]
Abbey Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/08
Posts: 659
Mine is an exercise in chasing my tail.. or rather his spin cycle. One minute he wants extreme closeness, next he's running after the next OW's whim.

I'm stepping off the rollercoaster for a while, before I burn all his clothes on the lawn, LOL.

Let me ask you. Besides this weird coincidence... have other bits of anger cropped up in you about things that he failed to do during the marriage?

Abbey
_________________________
T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.

Top
#2204704 - 12/11/11 08:20 AM Re: Paranoid! [Re: Abbey]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
It's starting to. You know the DB routine.....you look at yourself, see the improvements/changes you need to make in yourself and you do those. I don't think I EVER did anything bad enough to cause him to have an A. MY behavior did not do that.

I'm the major breadwinner and my job requires long hours at times. It's all so complicated. I'm angry that I was working my butt off for a really great family vaca and he was sticking it in someone else. My whole story is in MLC, so I won't tell it again.

Last night I went to the attic to get the tree stand. We have a beautiful home. We built our own little utopia here to have a safe place to get away from all the crap in the world. The pangs I fell at having to have this crap forever in my heart really angers me. I never thought that this is what I would be dealing with at this tie in my life. Let's face it, it's a 3rd degree burn on my body, only nobody can see it.

I'm working on acceptance right now.
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Top
#2204744 - 12/11/11 02:51 PM Re: Paranoid! [Re: MynameisMZ]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
Our son had to extend his dental care 3 more YEARS because H never took him to his appointments. Ended up costing a whole new fee. Where was he? Makes me want to throw stuff. Burn his underwear! LOL....actually threw a pair in the fireplace today to see what it would feel like.

You know how it's advised to picture the stop sign? All these little tricks to stop you from thinking about it. I mean, it's such a horrible thing that to ponder on it too long just makes you feel insane.
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Top
#2204892 - 12/12/11 09:52 AM Re: Paranoid! [Re: MynameisMZ]
Abbey Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/08
Posts: 659
Originally Posted By: MynameisMZ
LOL....actually threw a pair in the fireplace today to see what it would feel like.



LMAO smile That's funny smile
_________________________
T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.

Top
#2204893 - 12/12/11 09:54 AM Re: Paranoid! [Re: MynameisMZ]
Abbey Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/08
Posts: 659
Originally Posted By: MynameisMZ
The pangs I fell at having to have this crap forever in my heart really angers me. I never thought that this is what I would be dealing with at this tie in my life. Let's face it, it's a 3rd degree burn on my body, only nobody can see it.

I'm working on acceptance right now.


3rd degree burns, death by a thousand cuts,... and you're right. I too am so angry about it. Talking with my sis in law, we shouldn't be having to deal with this at THIS time in our lives. It's so frikken stupid and pointless.

Abs
_________________________
T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.

Top
#2205441 - 12/14/11 12:25 PM Re: Paranoid! [Re: Abbey]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
Back on track with solution oriented DBing.
Anger SEEMS to have subsided.
H says he wants just us.

BTW, I like all your insights about replay. I caught my H on the verge of an A about 5 or 6 years ago now. We went to counseling and really aired things, felt like we set things straight and I knew I had to fully commit to our M and I did. I guess he had to see the whole EA/PA through...I don't know. Just glad I was in such denial for so long while it ran its course.

So when he tells me things like last night, "MZ, I will NEVER cheat on you again, you can believe it," I can only automatically think, "Yeah, sure, we'll see." So sad!
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Top
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