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#2203411 - 12/06/11 02:51 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11020
First off, slow down. You are acting so anxious that you will kill your chances for a R. Do you want to stay married? Then get rid of your "expectations".

"I'm not Expecting anything in return, but a thanks would be nice."

Even a "thanks" is expecting something. Stop it. If something like a little "thanks" bugs you, how do you expect to handle the larger issues. Time and patience. I think I did say a week or two before you ask. You're jumping the gun. If you push it too soon before YOU are ready, you will push her right out the door.

Someone once said that it takes one month of marriage work for every year you're married for successful piecing. By showing her you're impatient and anxious, it shows that you're insecure still. What woman would want to be around that?
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2203427 - 12/06/11 04:04 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: MrBond]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
True, true, true. Thanks MrBond....You're the voice of reason as always.

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#2206205 - 12/18/11 05:26 PM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
Journaling....

Things seem to be going good with me and my W. She seems to be committed to working on the marriage and I can see some positive baby steps happening.

There is one thing that concerns me though...she doesn't have any desire for romance or anything of the sort. No touching...nothing. I'm not putting any pressure on her at all about it. Last night she brought up the fact that things are going good, but she's not willing to jump in the sack right now. I calmly told her that I wasn't asking her to. I asked her if it was me...she said whe didn't know, but she doesn't feel attracted to me and hasnt for a long time.

Then i told her that anyone that would be expecting to jump back in where we left off would be an idiot. I proceeded to tell her that it has only been 2.5 weeks since we got back together. There is still a lot of broken trust and pain that we have to sift through. I explained that it would be easier for me to jump back into things because I didn't leave...yet, she was hurt so badly that she did leave so it would be harder for her to jump into things. I tried to reassure her that this stuff takes time.

Okay, it bothers me that she's not attracted to me. My logic is telling me that she is still unable to let her guard down fully. As it has been said a million times...one month for every year married is the general guideline. We have 12 years under our belt...2.5 weeks is nothing.

She also told me a week ago that the OW "ruined" her as far as romance, italy and physical touch is concerned...I imagine that experience did a number on her head, especially since the OW completely cut her off afterward. Then there's the whole thing with the OW's husband sticking his head in the shower while she was showering...then later on grabbing her in places she will not tell me trying to have sex with her. To me that is assault. Who wouldn't have issues.

Then there is the issue of me looking at porn. She said she was fine with it because she had such a low libido, but she recently told me that it really hurt her.

If she was attracted to me once, then she could be again. In fact, she told me that she wasn't even attracted to the OW, but She got caught up in the OW telling her how wonderful she was.

The non-logic side of me is saying that's want a wife who is attracted to me. Someone that will accept a the wonderful things that I say about her. I'm concerned she may never find me attractive and getting hurt a second time will be harder than the first.

I did try something a little different this time around. Instead of getting angry about the situation; I got her a thank you card and wrote how had I see her working on our marriage and I just wanted her to know that it means a lot to me. The card was neutral...nothing romantic and I made certain that it nor I said anything about love.

After she read the card she came in to the room I was in, thanked me and gave me a hug. A HUG!!! I was so excited. I got a hug from the woman who, a little more than a month ago, told me she had no desire to be with me. I know she's working on our marriage for the kids' sake...but that is improvement. I'm also sleeping in the same bed as her.



So, I think I should stick with logic and ignore my worries and concerns. If I continue to do want I'm doing she will see a confident man. If I get upset and throw a fit she'll see an insecure boy. I just needed to type it out I guess. Of course any comments or advice is welcome.

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#2207591 - 12/24/11 01:29 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
How do you tell if she's taking it slow or is cake eating? I've been living with her for almost four weeks now. I initially told her that I'm not going into a situation where we are roommates, but a married couple. I know there have been some positive baby steps, I'm not complaining. However, i am reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and it talks about voicing you needs and feelings.

So is telling her that I want more physical touch going too fast? I'm not talking sex, but holding hands, etc. It does feel like a roommate situation sometimes. My post a above mentioned that she doesn't feel attracted to me. So, should I just take it day by day, or voice my concerns? I would rather not push her and have a marriage instead of getting physical touch and it falls apart,

Can that attraction come back?

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#2207641 - 12/24/11 04:56 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Funny that I was reading up on your sitch/piecing earlier this afternoon and then you post an update.

Although I'm no where near where you are and may never get there, I do think that you need to take this thing very, very slow. Your W has come back to the R after vowing to leave the M. you need to give her ample time to get her groove back and you need to get your groove back as well. How are those 180's. You've got to keep them going. Don't fall back into old habits; there is danger there!!

Perhaps, you should be working on making sure that you are only doing those things that work and avoiding the things that don't. The same with your W. Do you have these types of conversations?

Did you find your way into MC yet? I think you said previously that your W was open to it. So where is that?

One of the other posters mentioned a program called Retrovaille that was instrumental in helping rebuild their M. Have you looked into this?. Is this something your W would be interested in?

From what I've read, piecing is a very slow and laborious process. Brick, by brick. Take it slow and work on your communication.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2207996 - 12/26/11 06:13 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: 2thepoint]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
I really need some help here. I've been living with the W for the last 4 weeks. I found out that she posted something on Craigslist that stated how she was not attracted to me and wanted a guy to talk to. Then I found out she's been emailing guys back and forth nude photos and talking dirty...very dirty...to them. She claims to have never met them, and I tend to believe her.

We talked about it and she said she doesn't have any attraction towards me at all. In fact, she says she was when were dating and lost it soon after we married. She never liked having sex with me, now that she has had an affair (multiple which I found out about too), she likes sex but doesnt want to have it with me.

Here's the kicker. She doesn't want the kids to live without both of us. So, she says she is willing to stop doing the emailing stuff, stop dating, go to counseling, and give our marriage an honest shot. Mainly for the kids' sake.

I really do not know what to do. Here I've been thinking that we were working on us and she is sending and receiving naked photos of herself. Why is she willing to work on us now? Because of the kids? Because I caught her? Why should I believe her?

Give it to me straight. Is there any point in going to counseling? I'm really tired of this whole thing. I told her that If she doesn't want to be with me, then let me go. Can attraction really come back? Her actions a couple days ago are unacceptable. I really want to believe that we can make this work out, but I fear she's just delaying the inevitable.

My girls are so excited to live with both of us again...I can't break their hearts again. If I didn't have them, I would just say F this and leave. I know she loves her kids and will do anything for them. Which is why I believe she is serious about counseling. My kids are caught in the middle and I dont want to jerk them around.

I really need some advice here...thanks.

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#2207998 - 12/26/11 06:25 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
All I can offer is, if she says she is willing to go to counseling and give the M a shot, are you prepared to NOT take that risk?

Only she knows if she is serious and committed to working on things and she will either tell you the truth, or she will lie, if asked.

And I can only add that if you choose to carry forward and go to counseling, you go in with no expectations... either way...

Oh, and perhaps try routrevaille (sp?) if she is willing.

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#2208009 - 12/26/11 10:27 AM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: ~ kd ~]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem


Oh, and perhaps try routrevaille (sp?) if she is willing.


Yes, she is willing to go. However, it's not until March.



She tells me that she loves me, but is not attracted to me. Is that a mental thing right now because of the miserable marriage? I have gained a lot of weight...I got up to 334 pounds and I'm 6'. I've lost quite a bit since I'm now down to 264 pounds. I don't mind losing the weight....I want to. Will losing it make a difference though? What about when I'm 50 and I get wrinkles and gray hair?

Then, if she's not attracted to me, why would she be willing to go to get counseling and work all this stuff out for the kids' sake?

I'm lost....I think the mixed messages indicate she may be too.

Okay, so I decide to stay. What is my next step? I don't trust her anymore. I'm paranoid. I wonder if my heart can take anyore.

I feel like I should know these answers, but I'm caught up in the whirlwind of it all that I cannot seem to get a clear view.

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#2208027 - 12/26/11 02:49 PM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: check 1]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
I don't know piecing, but I do know people.

Outside of resistant responses, people are very capable of loving someone but not being "attracted" to them. It could be any number of things.

Is it "a mental thing?" Well, technically yes. And I'm assuming she means "not physically attracted and not interested in physical intimacy."

That doesn't mean she can't be, just like she was at one time.

She may or may not be able (or willing) to tell you why, right now. But building up the connectedness between the two of you will help, no matter what the reason.

If you feel it's your weight, then do something about reducing your weight. Not because it will help her be attractive to you, but what that (sounds like it) will likely do, is make YOU feel more attractive. The more confident and attractive we feel, the more others find us confident and attractive.

And worry about now, the future is when you worry about that.

If it takes 'til March to go to retrouvaille, then set the appointment and do the standard, M friendly counseling at this time and continue to work on you and rebuilding the intellectual connectedness.

Trust will take time to build. That's in you, although you can enlist your W to help you with that. If you feel you are able to be more open and honest with your W, then let her know that you are having trouble with trust right now and discuss ways in which she can help you build that trust back up.

If she's really committed, then she might help you. If she's still on the fence, she may not want to. She may care that you don't trust her, but she just may not be willing to help out at this time. In the end, it is still about you and figuring out how you CAN trust her, again.

Not really helpful, but whether we know someone and their history or not, it is always up to us to how much we expose your vulnerable underbelly to them and TRUST... Do it at whatever pace you are comfortable with. You have time, and your W is suggesting she's in no rush out the door. Rather, she's telling you she's willing to work on it.

That's my 2 cents. Good luck.

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#2208043 - 12/26/11 04:26 PM Re: Piecing...um, yeah. [Re: ~ kd ~]
check 1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/08/11
Posts: 189
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem

That doesn't mean she can't be, just like she was at one time.

I mentioned something about this before. She responded by saying that she wasn't really attracted to me right after we got married. Sh said she didn't know what attraction was back then.

Truth be told, I think something clicked in her head when she had the lesbian affair. Then she was with a man afterward. Now she's all into sex. She has always hated it before. We didn't have sex before we were married (religious beliefs) and very little after marriage. In fact, we didn't have sex until a week after we were married.

I think she's all excited about these new feelings and this discovery of her sexual side. I never had a chance because she didn't discover this unit after we were separated. So I tend to think all of this attractive stuff is part of her confusion. Yet, again, I'm confused.

Has anyone heard of the Save My Marriage program? If you never heard of it, then you can check it out on the web. I'm not sure if I can post a link, but to be safe I won't. I'll just tell you to combine the words in Save My Marriage into one long word and then add the traditional dot com.

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