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Bea is correct about finding other ways to posture like a proud peacock.

It's easier to just let them swing in the wind. I wouldn't put a photo of you and a nice looking man out there for them to see. Don't lower yourself to their level. Continue to hold your head up, back straight, and look everyone in the eye and smile. You have far too much class to go to such lengths.

Bea, I'm glad to see you are getting better!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Alright, well, clockwork.

XH started teaching again this morning, and just a few minutes ago, his planning period started, where he's alone in his classroom and on a different floor than OW.

I got an email, titled "Happy Belated Holidays."

Here's the text:

"Just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year but I didn't want to send it over the actually holidays for fear of seeming insensetive. However, I also thought it seemed silly not to send you a holiday greeting because I do truly wish you the best.

I hope you had a good Christmas and New Year with family and friends. I guess you'll be starting back to work soon. I hope you enjoy the change of pace.

Take care,

XH"

Thoughts, anyone? Recall that I pointed out to him before that he had a pattern of emailing me the minute his planning period started and she wasn't around, and it was obvious that he was hiding communication from her.

I don't even know what course of action to take anymore. To not respond he'll take as I'm angry or petty and that demonizes me more. If I do respond and I'm not "me" which is a little chatty, it still comes off as like I'm mad. If I am chatty, it opens the door again for him to talk to me about work, and we know how that ends up.

So confused. PS. No one complimented his pic of him and OW.


M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
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"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
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I would respond back: "Thanks and the same to you too." Keep it short and sweet.

At least you got a better email than what I received last year. I'll share it with you because it's funny...

"Happy New Year....hope the transition was a good one for you." I just laughed. This year nothing and I think it's because his wifey (ow) is now battling cancer. He's been tweeting all over the place about her going to the oncologist and having her blood checked, etc.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
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OMG. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I have butterflies. All I wrote was "Thank you, and all the same to you :-)"

I drafted like 3 or 4 short and sweet things that all had info about my life or the cats or Christmas, and I thought, you know, I'm trying to say I'm doing well, but (1), he'll take it like I'm bragging, and (2), he'll probably write back and ask questions based on what I had written, and (3), EVERY TIME I give him info about me and it's not his business anymore, and it gets me burned in the end being open with him.

So I told myself "if something doesn't work, then do the opposite." So the opposite was to do EXACTLY what Snodderly said (I had forgotten the exact words but paraphrased it darn close) and hit "send."

I'm thinking "what am I afraid of" and it's this: that he'll think I don't want him anymore. Isn't that crazy? I only want him because he's all I know, I want the him who doesn't exist anymore, and because I'm not fully over him. Those are not reasons to "stand" for someone so deep in replay.

I think I just sent the message that I was honestly really moving on, so even if mentally I've not done it 100%, I guess putting it out there in writing that I am to him is the first step.

And Snodderly interesting on your XH's OW's cancer--my XH's OW's mom died of cancer and it's all in her family. Back when he was singing her praises to me he said he thought he had much to "learn" from her as she was someone who had changed her life to always do what she wanted after she saw her mom die, to never let anyone hold her back. And I said "somehow I don't think that philosophy includes cheating on your long-term live-in boyfriend and stealing another person's husband."


M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
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"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
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He'll be texting you again very soon. What you sent is out of character for you, so he'll be curious to know what is going on w/you. Try not to share too much of your life w/him. He needs to learn that your life and what you are doing w/it no longer is part of his life/business.

One step at a time.


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Happy New Year, A.

Sweetie, I hope you dont mind me saying that I dont think its a good idea for you to check on him on facebook. Really, what purpose does it serve for you?

I know that you think that it will help you move on, but, really, right now I dont think its a good idea.

That said, I agree with Snodderly, the high road is always the best one.

So, I think your email back was perfect. Who cares what he thinks about it? Trust me that he knows you are not completely detached. They can sense it when it's true.

I think you should think about not looking at his facebook for now.

And as for how he looks in comparison to her, I am now surprised. He is fighting many demons. Some he doesnt even realize. It takes a toll.

Take care.

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Thank you Snodderly and Brookie! And no Brookie, I don't mind you saying it at all. You're right.

I suspect a significant amount of my problem is that I'm at the end of my sabbatical and really getting bored, which is crazy because I still have a lot of book to write/revise, but I'm anxious for a change of pace...I go back to work Friday and teaching Monday with 4 new classes and about 80-85 new students, and I think that will occupy my mind more fully, it will certainly get me out of the house more, and I'll stop having all this downtime which seems to trigger my paying attention to him.

I am fully ready should he contact me again and will be as succinct as possible.


M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
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A change of pace is always good.

A, I am one who always felt that though we each share some similarities in our sitches, each of us goes through it in our own way and in our own time.

Sometimes I think we get in our own way in moving forward.
That said, I understand your curiousity about his life. He was in yours a long time.

Trust me when I tell you it is not at all what it seems. One need not flaunt or brag continuously when we are happy and content.

He has not looked within yet. Until he does, he will be stuck trying to make himself happy, when there is only one real way to do that.

So, you begin a new semester. Keep moving forward. But realize that there will be times when you will be looking over your shoulder a bit. And that is ok. As long as you start facing front again.

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Well, look what difference a few days makes. It has been a terrible, awful few days and for goodness sake I hope that I'm coming out of this.

I've only just now gotten my internet back after 3 days of no service, and that's caused me enormous anxiety as I have become hugely dependent on being able to email and post as my lifeline to people. I knew I was addicted, just not this bad. I have not felt well all week and been going through migraines the likes of which I've never experienced and very painful tension headaches that are as bad as the migraines. It's likely that the ambien I was taking for my insomnia is responsible for the headaches, accd to my doctor, and so I've been flushing my system, but the pain is at this point, anxiety-related, in that I cannot relax my neck and shoulders and it's cutting off the blood flow to the back of my head. My head is cold to the touch. When I focus really hard and talk out loud to myself to say "Stop it Antonia, you will beat this" and that sort of thing, I can lessen the pain and the blood rushes to my scalp, making it hot. But I can't pull this off for more than maybe a minute at a time.

I have put a lot of thought into figuring out what's wrong and I believe I've come to some conclusions...my perfectionism is out of control, worse than it was when I was married. I have become more obsessed with goal-setting (and keeping and beating myself up if I don't meet terribly unrealistic expectations) than when I was with XH.

I also think a big part of my writing this book was done to "prove" something to him, and frankly, on some level, however small, I've been wanting him STILL to notice me and "choose" me over the OW. I feel like my book is part of that. As much as I wrote it for me or for professional reasons, I was also STILL trying to impress him. I can't take this back now. And I'm angry at myself for doing this.

I'm angry at myself for not being finished with it in the 8 month sabbatical and for squandering time off trying to "get over" XH or walking around in depression or fog and putting myself in the position where I have this to do on top of teach.

I'm angry at myself for not getting healthier during my sabbatical, for not ever learning how to relax or enjoy any time off, and for actually making my own health worse during the time off with very poor eating habits and no exercise.

I set the terribly unrealistic goal in my head that I'd be "over" XH by the time my sabbatical was over. Guess what? I'm not. Some days I feel like it's still day one post-bomb. And now I'm upset that I didn't meet my own unrealistic goals.

I think because I'm a teacher that I've always been able to bring certain parts of my life to a close at the ends of semesters, and anymore, NOTHING is ever closed or finished, it seems. Every responsibility I have just keeps on being a responsibility: house, cats, research, my feelings about XH and the end of the marriage, etc.

I feel like I never get a break, and it's because I have completely lost the ability to relax or take a break and REALLY just let go. I have realized that I was very able to relax with XH in my life and maybe that's because he took on the worry or responsibility for me. Any time I felt sick, he made me feel better. The one thing that sends me spiralling incredibly fast off the ledge into depression is my not feeling well. It scares me how mentally messed up I get the minute I don't feel well, and then I get mad at myself for not being able to control it, and it makes a vicious cycle.

I feel completely capable of handling my life, as long as I feel physically ok. The minute I don't, I go right back to the little scared girl I was right after the bomb. Then I get angry at myself that I've let that "girl" take control, and this battle ensues in my head between the new person I am trying to be and the weak person I was. Then I start to think about people who have it "worse", and then I feel guilty for being such a baby.

Overall, this problem in me is "bigger" than the failure of my marriage. This problem is deep in me and has been with me since I was a very little kid. I am horrifically self-critical and perfectionistic and it's taking its toll. I have had such anxiety about going back to teaching after 8 months not doing it that I have made myself terribly sick over it, and there's nothing WRONG with having nerves about this, but me showing nerves or vulnerability is not part of my concept of perfection that I like to show the world, so I internalize it to the point where it gives me tremendous anxiety and physical symptoms.

I don't know how to fix it. Logically I know that I have to stop being so hard on myself for EVERYTHING. I'm driving myself to the point of mental exhaustion. But I don't know how to break this. This is the most ingrained behavior in me. It's more ingrained than being pampered by XH was, and I thought that was my biggest battle.

So this is now the battle and while it relates to XH and his acts, which I probably still blame myself for, it's bigger than my rel. with him. It's all bound up in my rel. with myself. I do not know how to stop being so self-critical and perfectionistic and just let go.

Do I need to do hypnosis or something? How do you break something that IS your core personality?


M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
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Sorry to hear this Antonia. Maybe individual counseling can help you through this. I know that EMDR therapy (which is a counseling therapy) has been effective to help PTSD and Anxiety, especially if you think you might have childhood traumas. A lot of times, I have noticed that people with perfectionism tend to have something that happened/ a belief since childhood that started the perfectionism.

I hope this is helpful and good luck!


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