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PEI: I learned that lesson in the depths of my cancer treatment, and forgot it. Thanks for the reminder. We can only live for today, and make that day the best possible, and be grateful for it. And, remember only the good things in the past. My quote used to be: "Live your life, or it will live you." Now, it's: "Life is good," and it is, except I keep trying to gaze into the future. It will STOP, now.

I have met a few men like us, A. They became friends. Seems I am attracted to the opposite kind. Dash, darn it. Maybe, in my aged wisdom, it will be different???? Ha!


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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Originally Posted By: PEI
Stop writing the future and just live.

smile


Hey PEI,

Giving advice that you are FINALLY beginning to follow... smile

Antonia,

PEI raises a good point about detatchment...

If the pic upset you as much as you did, then you aren't detatched enough.

THAT is the reason for your qualms and feelings about dating and men, IMO.

Another thing that points to that is your feeling about never being involved in a committed R again.

I never did the eharmony thing. I wasn't me. I wasn't a "bar person" either. I honestly wasn't social enough ever in my life to meet many of the people that I have met, men or women, friend, boyfriend, H, or foe...

As I have always been comfortable being alone, and I really and truly enjoy my solitude, when the MLC hit, I really never believed that I would meet someone that I wanted to be with again. For no reason other than I didn't see myself in a situation that would open that door. I didn't look for it, didn't really ponder it more than knowing what I would need if it were to ever happen, and was very comfortable with that idea.

I was very comfortable getting reaquainted with myself. Finding things that I loved, making myself happy. I knew that I didn't need anyone in my life but me in order to be happy. Sure I missed married life, I missed being part of a couple, but to be honest, I was much more comfortable in "couple" settings as a single person, than I ever was when I was with H. I had only one person to worry about and that was me.

And when I was ready, and the time was right, the right person entered my world without any assistance or searching by me...

I think it is time for you to put eharmony behind you for now, get to know yourself better, stop worrying about dating and meeting someone and who likes you and who doesn't, what their ages are, etc...

Work some more on liking and knowing yourself, and detatching from the past...

And see where that leads you...

JMO...



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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Thanks everyone!!

This is really helpful, all these perspectives.

Couple of clarifications or reactions:

PEI no XH and I are not friends on FB and haven't been in ages, but he's got his profile pic set to "friends of friends" and we still have 5 mutual friends. Rather, those friends are all "on my side, and they do not communicate with him on FB, but none of them will break their tie to him. It's like a game of chicken. He is mad they won't "talk" to him or "like" his posts about his new life, but he won't defriend, nor will they. When I put the letter "D" in the search box his pic/page pop up first even though I am blocked from most of his stuff and he from mine.

I do think eharmony isn't working for me. In fact, today before I read all these posts above, I cancelled my subscription. I'm paid til Jan. and so my profile isn't going to be taken down, but I just do not think it's for me.

The whole reason I joined it was because I live in a terrible place to meet people. I live near the state capital of DE. We don't even have a bookstore here. We have "the slots" and dive bars and more restaurant chains than you can imagine. There is very little culture here. Most of the culture (like music performances or art shows) comes courtesy of MY college. I go to events there. There are two types of people: students 18-22 going for class credit, and senior citizens. This area is FILLED with senior citizens. All my neighbors are in their 60's-70s. They are all from NJ because the taxes are so low. Retirement communities are everywhere.

In my job, the only new people I meet are students aged 18-22. I actually signed up to teach at the air force base TWICE, with the thought that I could make some extra money and MAYBE meet some men 35-50 since it's mostly airmen who take the classes. Meeting someone that you teach and dating them when a class ends is "allowable" in my contract. Well both times, the classes were cancelled due to lack of enrollment.

I joined a meditation group in the community. Everyone is married. I went to the lone poetry reading that was held in my county. No men showed up. I go out twice a week to a nice restaurant and bar and have met a lot of people, male and female, all married except that one guy who turned out to have kind of stalker tendencies who isn't emotionally stable.

So between that and every woman I know telling me "you will never meet a man who will be your type in this podunk area", I joined. But I'm not comfortable there at all.

I then joined OKCupid and honestly, the number of men it matched me with who had seriously disgusting sex stuff on their profiles was astounding. I've looked at plenty of fish/match.com...it's the SAME set of about 100 men. The same profile pics. Same guys. I've shown the profiles to my family and friends and they're all like, "eww...better to stay alone."

So my "sample" is not great, but this stuff above is perhaps more info on what I've done to try to meet people.

AJ you said why are you worried about getting married...ok. People say "you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince." I don't WANT to kiss a lot of frogs, though. I don't want a series of bad dates. I had bad dates before XH...not too many...and then 23 years of XH. I had 2 bad dates via eharmony. That's enough.

Why? Well I don't put time and effort into being friends with people who get on my nerves more than they don't. So why should I do that with men? I just don't want to put a bunch of effort in to communicating with someone who bothers me for some reason from the getgo.

Mind you, in many ways, the type of person I'm looking for is NOT like XH, in many ways, nor is this ideal person XH's opposite. I am very aware that if XH was on eharmony, I don't think I'd be interested in him.

I think in a lot of ways the people around me WANT me to have a boyfriend because they feel sorry for me because I'm alone, because I always had this grand romance. It's something they associate with me. I get these subtle hints from them, like every time I meet someone new, I get asked "well now is he single or married" and then when I say married, they look saddened. Or some people will say outright, "you really are retreating into yourself, and if you don't get out there and date and start seeing someone, you're really going to never go back to it because you'll get so out of practice, and do you really want to spend the rest of your life alone? No." My closest girlfriend said that. Why? Her mom is divorced now 10 years and miserable and depressed, and she's afraid I'll end up like her mom.

And guess what? My brother is only 1 year younger than me. He has been alone his entire life aside from a girlfriend for a month or two in high school. He says things like "I let too much time pass and now I just can't ever be with anyone...I'm too set in my ways and now I don't want anyone ever again."

My father has isolated many people too and is very inward. So I have these fears that if I don't date/find someone, I'll end up like them.

What's in my heart?

1. I think I'm still attached to the idea of XH and the marriage a little bit and it's interfering
2. I don't compare men to XH based on personality but I do compare them based on looks. My XH was very young looking for his age and very handsome.
3. I am not comfortable with online dating and need to walk away from it for good because I just plain don't enjoy myself at all
4. I don't want a bunch of crappy dates just to have dates
5. I feel significantly more comfortable with men I have a friendship with first than someone who's going from 0 to date in 60 seconds.
6. My instinct is really telling me that I need to just be myself which is a single woman who doesn't care that she is single, but I need to communicate better to people around me that this is a choice and it's not a "second best" sort of lifestyle.
3.


M45
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Antonia - quote from my ex-boyfriend, when I was whining to him one day about the selection of men online:

"Hey - they called it Plenty of Fish, not plenty of pretty fish! You just gotta weed through - quit your whining"

(Lol - can you see why I liked him?)

Online dating has been pretty good to me but I can understand not wanting to do all the work - it takes time and energy to weed through. But remember all dating is just to try to LEARN what that person is like, you'll go through some of this no matter how you meet guys - at least online I can screen out the smokers and Republicans first!

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LOL Cat ... touche ...

Couple things Antonia ... BLOCK your husband, duh. Do it. Took me a while, but I did ... and it brought a new peace with it.

Second ... you aren't ready to date, that's why nothing fits. Take AJs advice ... and stop making excuses (honey if you knew where I lived!!!) As Cat says, it will find you when the time is right.

And third, don't over apply someone else's situation and make it typical ... my aunt married a 45 year old confirmed bachelor 10 years ago and has been blissfully wed ever since (complete with her two daughters!) ... YOU JUST DON'T KNOW smile

Oh, and kml ...
Originally Posted By: kml
at least online I can screen out the smokers and Republicans first!


LMAO ... I hear ya sista!

Peace
PEI


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LOL. Darn republicans... wink

Actually, the heck with party affiliations. Party's are for fun, not politics. (or something like that).

Quote:
My instinct is really telling me that I need to just be myself which is a single woman who doesn't care that she is single, but I need to communicate better to people around me that this is a choice and it's not a "second best" sort of lifestyle.
Such a great start there. The trick is to not care what other people think about your choices. They don't have to live your life. They don't have to live your consequences for your choices. They can armchair quarterback all day long.

The least of your concerns is men at this point, my dear. You *could* have a guy any time you like I'm sure. But just any guy won't do, I'm sure. That means there are still some things you need to work on with you that you need to do alone or with friends. Be patient. You were married for 23 years. That takes time to work through and process. To adapt and change completely. You are very far along. You are. But there is more. For us all, no?

Be patient and be friendly. I personally think being friends first and lovers second is the best way to go. In fact, I don't do it the other way around. Never did and don't plan on starting.

Believe me when I tell you, men and women are very similar in what they want. Somewhere there is a guy thinking the same thoughts you are. Or maybe more than that.

Will you get set in your ways? Maybe. Will that matter? Nope. Not for the right guy. Have faith that he'll be there and meanwhile be the best you that you can be. I think you'll find that all that time spent worrying about it got in your way and that your efforts to decide what you wanted didn't help much. Deciding what you won't put up with is a different story. The other way won't leave you very open though...

Oh, and make those friends. They ahve friends. Their friends have friends etc. 4.5 degrees of Kevin Bacon or something like that.

Live, Antonia. Be still when you need to. Let the rest fall into place vs. forcing things. Be at peace and really, great things will happen.

Last thought? My ex was scared to death of being alone. She gets it from her father who's only comment about her leaving was regarding her being alone. Being alone is wonderful thing if you let. Being alone and being positive has a funny way of attracting others too wink

AJ


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PEI you made me laugh with how succintly you said "you're not ready"..."this is why nothing fits." You're right ;-) I also agree with not trying to make someone else's representation fit me. There are just too many variables. I know what does NOT fit with me and my GF's mom, and that's that her mom is extremely dependent on her daughter for emotional support for the divorce fallout 10 years later, and my GF just keeps playing the "poor you" card and this just isn't helping her mom at this point. Her mom has never become independent in 10 years. My GF moved across the street from her and her brother moved in with her so she "never has to be alone". Well, maybe this is part of the problem.

Anyway, on the blocking...I had him blocked from March through August. Then we started to speak again and I unblocked on the grounds that I was trying to accept his choice...up till August I was in NC, had someone being a liason, never speaking directly to him, didn't even know his address. In that time frame I became very good at pretending that he was every minute about to break up with OW, esp. because one mutual FB friend would say cryptic things like "he's not happy. I can tell." My head would then create this whole scenario (much like I did when he seemed to "stall" on the divorce when later by his own admission he just is lazy on "adult" responsibilities) that he was always on the verge of returning. I'd come home with this hope his car would be here. EVERY DAY.

The longer I didn't see his life, the more I created this image that wasn't true, and the more I clung to it.

The unblocking was done for 2 reasons: to get me to see that he is with OW and consistently proclaiming it to the world (his last 4 profile pics were of him and her together, something he never did with me), and this shows me his life with her is "real", tough as it is to take. It was also to show him (and me!) that I was GALing and not sitting home waiting for him and allowing myself to be his backup plan, but that I'd moved on enough that seeing a pic of them wasn't going to affect me.

The weak part of me wants him in my life. The strong part of me does not. In keeping him unblocked (but not friends) I'm trying to push forward the strong part of me that isn't affected by his life and accepts it.

I feel like if I block, I let the weak part take over again, the part that will start telling herself stories when he's "out of sight, out of mind" that really he's just in Siberia or something and he's sad about not having me with him ;-)

What I have to do is work on NOT saying things like I did on Tad's post about that pic...not saying I should bottle stuff up, but typing out a reaction just reinforces it. What I should do is if I have the reaction on seeing his pic, I say "Knock it off, Antonia, that's your inner little girl whining that he picked her over you, don't listen to her."

Like, I wasn't even that bothered by seeing the pic till I read Tad's post, and then I went into this commiserating victim mode...and I have to stop cultivating "that girl."

Make sense?


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Me and succinct in the same sentence?!?! Somebody sticky this thread!

I actually get it ... I never went dark with my stbxH and the "in your face" exposure to OW and his choices helped me ... I think. LOL. The only part I don't like reading ...

Quote:
It was also to show him

and I know I don't have to explain why ...


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AJ, thank you!!

You said this, "The least of your concerns is men at this point, my dear. You *could* have a guy any time you like I'm sure. But just any guy won't do, I'm sure."

This has been part of the equation, learning to think this is true. People say it to me all the time but I personally don't have "evidence" of it, really...but in the past week I think I have some small hint of it. I was at that party the other night (you saw the dress on the alt)and a guy sort of sought me out and talked to me a ton...and he's divorced and single, apparently, a maintenance worker at my college. We have absolutely nothing in common. Nada. And I have been emailed often this week from someone on eharmony who could not be bothered to capitalize any word, including "I", in his email, who didn't write a complete sentence anywhere, and who misspelled the word "response." He also ignored most of what I wrote about in my response to his emails, even though half of what I wrote about was about him, trying to get to know him, and just seems to want to skip all that and go straight to dating.

So I guess technically I "could" have a guy if I wanted, with either of these two, but it's like my brain doesn't count people who have zero compatibility with me, which is just plain stupid.

When someone really awesome is interested and then I'm not, I actually think that will boost my self-esteem. I guess I just think "well you wouldn't have to be anyone special to attract either of those two guys." And if I have to derive feeling that I'm special from a man telling me, then OBVIOUSLY I still have an issue here with self-esteem.

It's my parents' fault, I'm telling you ;-) My parents did a lot of stuff for me and I'm very grateful, but I don't remember ever once being told I was pretty or beautiful or even attractive by them, even on my wedding day. Just "smart."


M45
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The "it was also to show him" is a remnant of when I was DBing...the whole "let them see you have moved on."

But since I know logically that he and I really aren't on the same page and have not been in awhile (if I'm honest about the marriage, we've talked about this before) then that part really shouldn't be a factor anymore. I get why that bugs you :-)


M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
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