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#2203161 - 12/04/11 05:35 PM Re: Adventures in GALing [Re: AntoniaB]
punkin Offline
Member

Registered: 05/21/10
Posts: 1969
Loc: Arkansas
Antonia,

I understand what you say about the children and being able to see your XH in them, but that is a two edged sword. At this juncture, the parts of him that I see in them make me sad, and edgy. They are not necessarily the good parts, and when they are, well, crying over spilt milk.

Having said that, you describe yourself as having many cats. I always find cats have very definite personalities. If you don't have one that reminds you of X, perhaps you should look for one. Whether it is a good trait or a not so good one. Are any of your cats from before the bomb?

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#2203174 - 12/04/11 07:01 PM Re: Adventures in GALing [Re: punkin]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/10
Posts: 1400
Punkin, yeah, you're right on the two edges--I guess IB is seeing that now. I forgot about that side...

I do have 5 cats who were pre-bomb. The one that was a complete connection to him is the one who died Nov. 1st. That cat was the closest thing I had ever experienced emotionally to a mother-child relationship...and he was SO much a part of XH, so he really had two connections to the past with me. So with him gone now, there is no real connection left as far as my being able to have a connection to XH or the past with the others. I think that's why there is such a bizarre feeling of detachment in me anymore.

The best way I can put it is that I felt this sort of physical aura/connection to XH and the past in my home, in a way that was comforting eventually, and it was there through that cat. When the cat died it was gone. I keep using the phrase "I feel like all my skin is torn off" or "if I lost one arm when XH left, I lost the other when our cat died." It's very visceral and VERY raw. Complete and utter vulnerability, which I think is going to turn into a wall of armor that no one's going to break through.
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2203231 - 12/05/11 01:29 AM Re: Adventures in GALing [Re: AntoniaB]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/10
Posts: 1400
Alright, I've done a lot of thinking about me and dating and relationships this weekend, and I've come to some realizations. I write this in hopes it articulates things for more than just me:

1. There is a conflict in me over what I want. Namely, I go on eharmony and I only give attention to anyone who seems to be "marriage material" and I don't want to waste time with anyone who isn't damn near perfect, and yet, if you asked me if I wanted to be married or even just live with a guy, I'd say NO WAY. If you asked me do you see yourself married/living with someone in a few years from now, I'd also say no. I don't see it.

2. I weed people out FAST on eharmony for all sorts of things. Right now, I've weeded out an interested party because the guy's grammar and spelling is so atrocious. MIND YOU. I have thought everyone's grammar and spelling on this board is freaking GREAT. I have never "judged" any of you for these things. But put a guy in my midst who can't write a sentence at all, and I just want to run. I like intellectual men AS LONG AS THEY AREN'T PRETENTIOUS. That is pretty darn specific!!

3. Why do I weed people out? Because I probably am not ready at all to be settling down, and the majority of eharmony men want "the one." That's not where I am. I don't want to get married for a long time...if ever again.

4. That leaves simple DATING. What's my issue with that? MONOGAMY. I can't imagine myself sleeping with someone or even being significantly physical with someone if I didn't have some sort of commitment to him. Why? I've never had that experience. I'm not trying to be holier than thou at all. I have nothing against women who do have sexual experiences with men they are not in love with. I've just never had them. I can't imagine doing it. Just can't. And I am told by my single male friends that a lot of physicality is an expecatation anymore, that I have a very "childish" view of dating, and that in general, people "hook up" fast, and this creeps me out. It creeps me out because I was a very sexual person in my other life, but I was that person JUST with XH.

5. Aside from this sex stuff, there is the issue of "what I want" in a relationship. Well, I mentioned I met that guy the other night who was so interesting as he was a writer and stuff, and he really "got" me, as far as he was really "supportive" of the fact that I write for publication. This total stranger was more excited for my book project now than XH ever was. And yet he had lots of other interests too, and I loved that about him. He just had so much going on for himself. I was attracted to that. HOWEVER. Here's the other part. My FIRST THOUGHT when I met this guy was "hey, he seems like a great guy to date, but he would NEVER embrace living where you do or taking care of a property or anything like that." And that leads me to realization number 6:

6. I don't honestly believe there is any man in the world who is as "effed up" as me...so to speak. This is me: I live in my head like I'm significantly younger than I am, and I can come off like I am much younger. My students think I'm 30. My colleagues think I'm in my 30s. Strangers see me on campus and think I'm a student. I'm into the music and culture of a much younger group than me because that part of me never "grew up" and that part of me really likes the connection I have to my students because I know a lot that is relevant to them. Despite all of that, I like having a home, of being settled, having responsibility and a yard...and cats who are part of my life...

And there just aren't men who "get" this.

My XH lived this weird dual life with me, a life where we were "young" here and there and yet "older" and more mature with the house and yard and all...and then XH decided the "older more mature" part wasn't for him, and I think he really went along with my weirdness just to make me happy.

I don't see people on eharmony or in person who fit the weirdness that is ME.

I feel like I'm in my 20s in so many ways inwardly, and in my 40s outwardly, and I'm really good with this dual nature that I have for myself. But it's something I just never see in anyone else.

I'm not saying I'm better than other people. I just "am." I'm saying that I don't know how to find someone like me and so I'm not going to try anymore.

I like who I am, and if the only people who really get it or like it are my friends or family or female students who see me as a "cool" role model, then so be it. Maybe the best I can contribute to the world is to be a role model for some of these young women. Maybe THAT is my path, and the whole "man loving me/man being romantic with me" just isn't in the cards.

I have to embrace what I am capable of, and I guess this is it.

Sorry to go on so long...I hope this helps others!!
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2203241 - 12/05/11 06:22 AM Re: Adventures in GALing [Re: AntoniaB]
BeingMe Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 4053
Loc: Canada
I get it! I tend to be on the 'weird' side too. I sure don't feel my age, yet I am, shockingly that age. I have four children, and six grandchildren, and I am still amazed at that. I don't think you're "effed up" at all ... you're just you. I think that at your age, you will find someone without looking. You are still young, and have a young outlook. I think that's very appealing. Or, it should be. For me, at 54, I'm a tad tired of the whole R thing. Once the S and D thing is settled, I think I'll just focus on my new career, wherever that may lead (or not), and my fabulous children and grandchildren (gosh, long words).

Anyway, as they say ... onwards and upwards. And don't look down.

PS Have you read the book about the library cat. I forget the title now, but it was such a lovely book. I love ginger cats. I've had two in my life and they were marvelous fella's.
_________________________
Me:55 H:50 M:27 S:2 Been to the lawyer.
D32,S/D twins25,D20
EA4/04 End4/05?
Life is good! Living with gratitude.

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#2203242 - 12/05/11 08:00 AM Re: Adventures in GALing [Re: BeingMe]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 18855
Loc: Maryland
BeingMe,

The book about the library cat is Dewy. It is an excellent book for a rainy day.

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#2203275 - 12/05/11 11:05 AM Re: Adventures in GALing [Re: job]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/10
Posts: 1400
Thanks for saying that, BeingMe! I very often do meet women like me but not men...

Anyway yes, I read that book, what a tear-jerker but really wonderful. There is a book my sister read about a blind cat named Homer that I have to read. She says that one's really good. I have a blind cat and watching her navigate my house in her own special way sometimes does put things in perspective for me.
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2203294 - 12/05/11 12:45 PM Re: Adventures in GALing [Re: AntoniaB]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 18855
Loc: Maryland
You have to read Homer. It is a wonderful book about a blind kitten who grows up to warm the hearts of all. The author did an outstanding job of writing about Homer and his antics. The physically challenge learn to deal w/life in a different way and when you meet someone or a pet that is challenged, you too will begin to appreciate them for who they are and what they bring to your life.

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#2203318 - 12/05/11 03:18 PM Re: Adventures in GALing [Re: job]
PEI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/10
Posts: 1827
Loc: PEI, Canada
... ok, I'm catching up on threads ... and saw this on Tad's ... Antonia?!?! Why the H-E-double hockey sticks are you and your ex still friends on FB is you are not detached to a point where that pic didn't affect you?

Sorry sweetie ... but I just don't get it!?!
_________________________
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc

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#2203319 - 12/05/11 03:22 PM Re: Adventures in GALing [Re: PEI]
PEI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/10
Posts: 1827
Loc: PEI, Canada
Oh, and by the way ladies ... my widowed grandmother met a wonderful friend while out dancing with her lady friends one night ... and married him eight years later around her 75th birthday ...

Stop writing the future and just live.

smile
_________________________
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc

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#2203332 - 12/05/11 04:09 PM Re: Adventures in GALing [Re: PEI]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 2971
Quote:
...AS LONG AS THEY AREN'T PRETENTIOUS.
I like the tooth fairy myself. She has nice legs and a great smile.. smile



Quote:
Why do I weed people out? Because I probably am not ready at all to be settling down, and the majority of eharmony men want "the one." That's not where I am. I don't want to get married for a long time...if ever again.
Why are you worried about marriage, exactly? what happened to dating?? Isn't that the step in the middle?

And duh, people on eH are likely looking for "the one" a) because they think others are there looking for "the one" and they are lonely and b) because that's what drew them to the site. I think that would be par for expectations. But at what point are you comfortable being you, by yourself? I think you are actually, at least mostly. I think you might want to "bake" a little longer though vs. eHarmony or plenty of fish or today's popular dating site. To me, if you find hobbies you enjoy and pursue them, you'll be bound to meet somebody who shares at least *some* of the same hobbies you enjoy. Most likely right? Seems a reasonable guess based on the math anyway.


Quote:
I can't imagine myself sleeping with someone or even being significantly physical with someone if I didn't have some sort of commitment to him.
Look. I like sex as much as the next man. Maybe more, but I'm not asking. But why does dating have to be about sex? What happened to the stuff in the middle? Like, oh, conversation? Shared hobbies? Shared interests? Flirting? Enjoying the tease of flirting with no sex (tantric in some ways I know, but...)? Honestly, is that all you women think about?!?? wink


Quote:
And I am told by my single male friends that a lot of physicality is an expecatation anymore, that I have a very "childish" view of dating, and that in general, people "hook up" fast, and this creeps me out. It creeps me out because I was a very sexual person in my other life, but I was that person JUST with XH.
Do you know what I call sex without intimacy? Work! It's sexercise but it's not nearly as pleasurable. I know the differnce. I am sad to say I know the difference. But honestly, I would never go back to sexercise in concept even though it was the rare occasion that I tried that. It's just not worth it and your friends that say it's an expectation? They are right, many people (men and women) think it is an expectation. My answer to that? No thanks. Not going to happen here. This is high school all over again for crying out loud!

Not interested in a hook up. The idea is kind of interesting. Kind of look the idea of a stripper. But once you cross that line, both the hook up and the stripper are no longer any fun...

Quote:
5. Aside from this sex stuff, there is the issue of "what I want" in a relationship. Well, I mentioned I met that guy the other night who was so interesting as he was a writer and stuff, and he really "got" me, as far as he was really "supportive" of the fact that I write for publication. This total stranger was more excited for my book project now than XH ever was. And yet he had lots of other interests too, and I loved that about him. He just had so much going on for himself. I was attracted to that. HOWEVER. Here's the other part. My FIRST THOUGHT when I met this guy was "hey, he seems like a great guy to date, but he would NEVER embrace living where you do or taking care of a property or anything like that." And that leads me to realization number 6:

6. I don't honestly believe there is any man in the world who is as "effed up" as me...so to speak. This is me: I live in my head like I'm significantly younger than I am, and I can come off like I am much younger. My students think I'm 30. My colleagues think I'm in my 30s. Strangers see me on campus and think I'm a student. I'm into the music and culture of a much younger group than me because that part of me never "grew up" and that part of me really likes the connection I have to my students because I know a lot that is relevant to them. Despite all of that, I like having a home, of being settled, having responsibility and a yard...and cats who are part of my life...

And there just aren't men who "get" this.
At what point will it make sense to you that your perspective is based on limited data? This last bit is so riddled with references to your xh that it seems to me that your frame of reference is too limited. It's limited to him and to your local area. Two very normal things, but limiting just the same.

I work with middle schoolers through my church. I love it. I listen to similar music, dress a bit older, but not as old as I am, and think, walk and talk like a much younger person. But I am still me, sister. Just like you are you. I am lucky that I have a job that exposes me to international clients in various countries. I get a broader view of the world that way instead of this small town stuff. I live in a small-ish city on the east coast, so I need that larger environment to remind me I live in a much bigger world and what I see is but a slice of the world at large.

I'm trying to point out that you are not much different in your thought process than I am. Love to write (not very good at it, but cie la vie). Love to read. Love my family and yes, even my xw. Not the same as I used to, but I do. I didn't think I would be capable of that, but I stretch and learn. Every day. I love the journey, even if some of the way stations have sucked. I cherish the journey and I really enjoy meeting new people with different ideas and or perspectives. I feel alive through those connections and interactions.

I think, as you begin to explore (you are exploring from what I see; yet holding back too) you will see things very different. Or put another way, you'll change your data sample and it will lead to a change in your perspective and thoughts.

First off, you are not alone in your thoughts and concerns. You speak of meeting women with similar thoughts. Gosh, I wonder if it's also because women share their thoughts with you in a way that is more easily understood by another women than men do? i.e. men and women communicate differently? Crazy thought I know...

I mentioned once before how I am a bit of a chameleon. I may have made a good spy... Sometimes I become the fourth girl in a conversation. That approach has allowed me to see things from various perspectives. Know what I saw? People never really change after the age of 7 (except they can reach the stuff on the higher shelves) and men and women are very similar in what they want. Although they do relate it differently (socialogical?) and communicate it differently. In the end, they still want the exact same thing...to be loved for who they are by somebody they love. To trust. To have interesting conversation. To be pushed and prodded to be their best for them.

Might make an interesting story someday if I can just find a vehicle to present it to the reader........Know any good writers? smile

Be good to yourself Antonia. Take the worry out of your mind. Enjoy being you. Somebody else will too but not until after you take that worry out. Get out and meet people. Socialize. Get out of the house and see what the world has to offer you. I think you'll find it has been offering you something great for a very long time and right now you're still re-adjusting focus to compensate for the unexpected change in your life. But you'll have to change your perspective just a smidge...

Have a great day beautiful lady. Life is great!
-aj
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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