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Antonia wrote : I'm not about to tell anyone to walk away (or to stay!) It's a personal choice. But you sound like you are trying to convince yourself it's "time" (maybe I'm wrong?) and you know, it's OK if you have decided that. I feel like you sound like you need SOME bit of change in your life...maybe walking away is the change. Maybe even "solidifying" the "promise" that you're walking away is the first step. I mean, you can change your mind if necessary, right?

Yes Antonia that's a completely accurate assessment of where I am at. I am trying to decide if it is time to walk away.
I had a talk with him the other night and basically laid it all out. That I am not content with being a wife in name only, that I want a full partner and someone to help me raise our kids, that I never signed up for single motherhood and all that goes with it, and that I am ready to start divorce proceedings.

I have a great deal of empathy for his "fog" which amounts to traumatic freeze behavior, emotional numbness and an almost total inability to make even the smallest decision ( he told me he can't even make suggestions or decisions of where to go for lunch with co-workers, he just goes with whatever someone else suggests :-( ) I recognize he's in a lot of psychological pain, but then who in my my personal nuclear family isn't in pain right now?


sgctxox said: I'm sorry for how things are right now and for the hurt that you've had to endure. No matter what you decide, a re-look at the past isn't as 'honest' as it was when you went through it. What you felt and gave your heart to, the love you have and had, it is real, it is life. The children, lives you created and raised from that love are tremendous. The heart that is in you and the person you are, is all--for half your life at least--created by that.

As you said--change is inevitable...and it's constant. Miracles happen all the time, so I'm praying for your miracle, whatever it is, this season. It's time. You're due.

You do a wonderful job here on the board. You make a difference.


Thank you for the kind words of affirmation and support. I needed to hear that. I certainly hope your wish for a miracle for me comes through. My wisher seems to be broken at the moment. (insert wry smile here)

I don't believe there is anything more for me to do to change things between STBX and me.

I can choose to give things yet more time...but how much time and is that fair to myself? To keep living in a limbo and again deny my own needs in favour of someone else? MLC seems to last about 7 years or so, and I'm only in year 2. I don't know that I have that kind of stamina seeing I'm already ready to walk.

I can choose to divorce him and take a huge financial hit, live in poverty because of it with my kids, but be free to seek a new partner.

Of course there is the infidelity route.

No easy choices here, none of them good.

I still have four counseling sessions with a DB coach...and I'm not even sure I have anything worth discussing anymore.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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You said this:

"I had a talk with him the other night and basically laid it all out. That I am not content with being a wife in name only, that I want a full partner and someone to help me raise our kids, that I never signed up for single motherhood and all that goes with it, and that I am ready to start divorce proceedings."

and this:

"Of course there is the infidelity route."

I'm just curious how these two things reconcile. On the first comment, it sounds like what you've told him, what is "in your heart", is that you are not wanting to be a single parent and that you want to be "free" to seek a new partner to be with for your own needs and to help you co-parent, and that you've already been waiting on him to get things together for 2 years and, understanding MLC, you're not going to sit around for several more years waiting when you know that there's no proof things will ever get better.

On the second comment, it sounds like you just want an affair because your needs aren't being met. I mean, I doubt if you started seeing a guy while you were still married/living with your H, that the new guy would help you co-parent, right?

The "infidelity route" as you say almost sounds as if you are contemplating putting yourself out there to see someone else as if that might give you the stamina to stick it out longer with your H--like, if you were getting SOME of your needs met, you might wait longer before filing? (But I don't want to put words in your mouth).

I guess the step that seems to be missing (to me) is the visualization of a time "in between." Could you go with separation first? Is it possible for you to separate and you aren't looking to have another man in your life but just to lower the stress level of living with an emotional WAS, or is that just not a possibility in your sitch?


M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
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"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
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Originally Posted By: Queen_of_Swords

I don't believe there is anything more for me to do to change things between STBX and me.


There was never anything for you to DO to stop HIS MLC.

It after all was HIS crisis, you were the innocent bystander.

So the choices that it kicks off can become our choices.

We do have choices, and the only one that can make them is US.

Our MLC'er may not be happy with OUR choices, but then again we were not happy with their choices.
The thing is that you want to be absolutely sure that you are happy with YOUR choices, because some of them send you down a path that might be very rocky and steep.

Remember when we make changes we make them for US.
Not for any other reason!


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Hi Antonia,

Quote:
I'm just curious how these two things reconcile.

Were I to leave things as they are now and not change anything, take up with another while still legally married to my spouse, many would consider that infidelity in spite of the circumstances.

That's all I'm saying.



Quote:
I guess the step that seems to be missing (to me) is the visualization of a time "in between." Could you go with separation first? Is it possible for you to separate and you aren't looking to have another man in your life but just to lower the stress level of living with an emotional WAS, or is that just not a possibility in your sitch?


Antonia we do not live together and have not for two years. There is no "legal" separation or one that needs to happen. As far as the law is concerned that step at this point is moot.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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You're correct Cadet.

Thanks for the reminder.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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Oh I must have confused your sitch with someone else's...sorry about that. I was somehow thinking you still lived together. I get it now...you've already done the separation. Everything I had questions about makes sense now. I see why you're moving in the direction you are then.

I think the way you laid it out to him was pretty clear, and it showed a lot of courage on your part to be honest and stand up for yourself. You know a lot of people here do say that when you just keep going and going and nothing seems to ever change, that the LBS becomes the WAS. I almost think it's an inevitable part of the process. You're right. There are no easy choices at all. You just have to be true to yourself. (((HUGS)))


M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
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A week since my last post.
Nothing much has changed. Still the same routine with STBX.
The kids and I are busy with Christmas preparations and stuff.
If I don't get back on the forum before Christmas, I wish you all a joyous and peaceful one and a Happy and Prosperous New Year.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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A warm wind seems to blowing into my life. I'll let you know if it's the first sign of spring or El Nino.
For now things are if not great, calm and somewhat normal.
I restart my program this week, work is going well and kids' school reports are favorable.
I hope your Christmas was everything you wanted, and I hope the coming year is everything you hope for.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,307
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Not a lot to update. My 50th birthday came and went. Kept it low key and a minor event. Anniversary #3 without STBX approaching fast.
Still working, still staying the course, still studying. Thinking about a new career or training I can do.

I have a lawyer, if STBX decides to get the D train rolling.
We have had a couple of interactions over the Christmas season.
It's been polite, and distantly friendly. He's hugged me a couple times.
I'm kind, pleasant and rather quiet for the most part. I'm the one keeping it superficial now , listening more than talking.
I do not talk about R anymore with anyone in my meat space life.

Met a few people, they've made me realize how little I really asked for out of a relationship, and all they did was make the effort to make some time for me.
A very bittersweet thing to come to grips with. I'm worth so much more than what I got out of my marriage with STBX.

Last night I was thinking I need a ritual to close off this part of my life. Bury the past and bury my dead marriage. I'm still thinking about what that would entail for me.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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My aunt was in a similar situation as us. Her therapist at the time told her to dig a hole in her back yard and place a picture of her ex in that hole. She told me the experience was very cathartic and healing. She cried through the process. I have not been able to do that yet.


Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11

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