I have to start a new topic since things have changed in the last week. You can find my previous topics here, here and here.
A brief overview. W and me have been married 12 years, together 16...we are 32 now. Half of our lives. We have to daughters 8 and 3. W dropped the bomb on 8/3/11, moved out 8/19/11. She was tied up in an EA with another woman that turned physical. The OW left my W to work on her marriage.
For the sake of time, I'll get to the point. If you have any questions you can read my previous threads, or if you don't feel like reading, just ask.
My W and I haven't talked for a month until this week. Things seemed to be going good. She was responsive to me and I honestly thought that she may seem to have some lingering feelings for me. Rookie mistake, I know. I talked to her today and told her that I missed my best friend and I hated not talking to her for a month. She said that she is just trying to move on. I asked her if we could be friends. She said she didn't want to give me any false hope and she has no desire to be with me. I told her I wasn't asking for a relationship or anything else. I just want to be friends. She said this would be okay.
Although hearing that she has no desire to be with me is painful. I am assuming this is a good sign and that I can show her the changes that I have made. I am hopeful that she will someday fall in love with me again. She's changed so much though that I'm worried that is not possible.
I don't know where to go from here. I know I'm shooting myself in the foot here. If we do indeed become friends, I don't think I will ever get over her. On the other hand, I'm afraid of losing her completely. I don't even know how to get over her. I've tried detaching, going dark, LRT. My heart hurts, my brain is tired. Am I getting myself in over my head?
I really need some advice. Where do I go from here? What do I do? She said I could call her, do I really contact her? Can I ask her to do something? Does she really mean that she has no desire to be with me? I know that she feels that now, but is it truly hopeless? I need to proceed with caution. So I'm asking for anyone and everyone to give me some advice...maybe some encouragement if warranted.
David - my best advice is to stop the pursuit! You are driving her further away and don't even realize it. By asking to be friends and then expecting to engage in ways that friends typically engage is only going to create opportunities for you to continue your pursuit.
You have to stop, now!
Your W dropped the bomb just 3 short months ago and already her A is over. Yet, you feel like you can just step back in and everything will be back to normal.
My guess is that your W is now feeling pretty crappy about the demise of her R with you and the OP. 2 strikes! Don't make it 3!
Step back from the brink, continue to work on your 180's and detach as much as possible.
If I were you I would not initiate any contact with your W unless it is a dire emergency. Go dark or light grey and steer clear for awhile.
Events will continue to unfold and things will be clearer in time. But time is what is needed. Especially for your W.
Hang in there, but stop the pursuit.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you shouldn't contact her. Think about it this way...you're the nerd that just asked permission from someone to be their friend. There's no respect in that. Your W will continue to hold power over you.
"What do I do?"
Nothing. Get a life and learn to stand without her.
"She said I could call her, do I really contact her?"
Nope. avoid her like the plague.
"Can I ask her to do something?"
Same question different words. Answer is still no.
"Does she really mean that she has no desire to be with me?"
Desire has nothing to do with it. She said she wants to move on and you have to respect that. I understand you're feeling rejected and that's the worst feeling ever. But you have to pick yourself up and figure out how to live without her. It doesn't mean that she won't come back. It means that you face the reality of your situation as it currently stands and you ease the clinginess that you have on her.
Give her the space she's asking for. Start living your life rather than having it tethered to her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You both are right. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but no one said it would be easy. I guess I've been in denial about this whole thing. No matter how much I don't want to, it's time to accept reality, pick myself up and start walking my own path.
Any other advice, suggestions, encouragement is more than welcome. I've got a long road ahead of me and could use some company.
No you haven't been in denial. You decided to stay in the M, she decided to leave. Neither decision is more important than the other. Right now your priorities don't match.
Start remembering what it's like to be a man and not give your b@lls over to your W.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
No you haven't been in denial. You decided to stay in the M, she decided to leave. Neither decision is more important than the other. Right now your priorities don't match.
Start remembering what it's like to be a man and not give your b@lls over to your W.
It's fairly obvious that I do not want a divorce. I avoided it but I'm in a spot where I have to protect my finances. How do I go about doing that if I don't want a divorce? Do I file for separation? I don't want to, but she won't do it. I think it's because she doesn't have any money. The fact she just lost her job is probably just going to delay the filing.
Are there any other solutions? Would filing for separation send the wrong message?
If you want to protect your finances, then start doing that now. Stop worrying about what kind of messages you're trying to send. You're not screwing her over so stop thinking that you are. She made a decision and all you're doing is watching out for yourself like she's doing.
She might get pissed, but who cares? She's not there right? She doesn't want contact with you right? Well start watching out for numero uno.
Oh she'll get upset, throw a tantrum, call you names, etc. It's so script that it's actually funny. Don't fall for it. KNowing what she's going to do is going to give you a leg up. Just tell her that you didn't make the decision, she did and all you're doing is protecting yourself.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
