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JaeC #2202631 12/01/11 07:32 PM
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journal:

we had lunch today. it was pleasant and we joked and chatting in the car casually on the way there. based on the things from the past two days i felt that things were getting better... perhaps they are though it is sometimes hard to tell...and i suspect that "better" probably means different things to different folks.

she told me she wanted to be my friend but she couldn't be my friend until i had done more healing and figuring out who/what i am and all the rest. kind of a let down i suppose but better than her saying she didn't want to be my friend.

then again, when i got home last time she was angry at herself for thinking that we'd end up friends after all this was said and done. i am not sure how i could be her friend after all, if we weren't married i would never, ever, be friends with someone that could hurt me and did hurt me so deeply...that doesn't mean i don't want to be her friend just that i don't know how and, honestly, i don't want that as the primary relationship between us. i have friends, i would like to have my wife and son and marriage back.


H:44 W:43
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Bomb 9/13/2011

JaeC #2202639 12/01/11 07:48 PM
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When my first husband and I split up. I didn't think we could be friends because he so many hurtful things to me. We have been divorced 6 1/2 years now and he is still my best friend. It took approx 2 years to get there, but we did. He has been a great friend to me while I am going through my separation with my second husband. I don't see myself getting back with my first husband, why ruin a good friendship. I wouldn't give that up for nothing.


H: 49
W: 47
D: 6
M: 6 1/2 yrs
H: Bomb #1 6-2010
H: Bomb #2 7-2011
H: Separated: 7-11-11
Reconciling 2-2012
Separated: 1-31-15 (I asked him to move out)
Hopeful321 #2202825 12/02/11 04:41 PM
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hi Hopeful,

thank you for the post. i think i'd rather have a spouse and family than just another friend...and i think, though i don't know, that i wouldn't be able to be friends. as you said, though, it could take years and how i feel now isn't how i'm going to feel later.

journal:

had my son stay home from school today so we could climb trees and make mom a birthday cake and card. she had a job interview today and that's both bad and good... bad in the sense that if she gets the job then i think she's moving out and good because if she gets the job AND we can reconcile THEN we get to stay in our home.

last night she massaged a hurt part of my neck which was remarkable. in the languages of love, i'm a physical touch person so i'm wondering if i'm getting the wrong ideas because of our touching now. on her way to her interview today she leaned forward and gave me a kiss on the cheek and then, as she was driving away i made the sign for "i love you" as did my son and she looked at me and signed back "i love you".

we were talking last night and her shoulders are so sore and aching but she's afraid for me to rub them because, as she said "two people that love each other and haven't been intimate in 6 months and we both know what massages lead to." well... it's true enough what she said but not all massages lead to intimacy.

i've very confused.

at the same time she's making it clear to me that she doesn't see a way forward for us however she did comment that she notices i'm doing more around the house, even though i'm not. she's just noticing it now (though i am being more purposeful about helping her with things that she decides to do i.e. rake leaves or what have you whereas before we'd both do our own sort of yard projects at the same time.)

in any case, i'm going to the trauma unit tomorrow (Sat) at 3pm and i'll probably be there for about a month or so, which means i miss, potentially, our last Christmas and my son's birthday as a family. i'm actually thinking that she's going to serve me when i'm in the unit. i suppose that would be ok though not at the same time.


H:44 W:43
M:12 T:14
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Bomb 9/13/2011

JaeC #2209285 12/31/11 03:42 AM
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i'm back. she didn't serve me but made it clear that she cannot and does not trust me. i have come to accept the writing on the wall at this point and, honestly, i cannot devote any more energy into doing what she asks of me. IF, as she suggests, everything i say is different from my actions (which doesn't seem to be the case for anyone else that knows me) then i'm pretty stuck.

i'm doing far better on a personal level though and i'm ready to get on with the rest of my life.


H:44 W:43
M:12 T:14
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Bomb 9/13/2011

JaeC #2212374 01/13/12 01:46 AM
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just a quick update.

she would like me to leave and go to something like a halfway house or anything that would get me out of the house, really. i'm not so keen on that idea in the least bit.

i have, however, concluded that for her to heal and for me to heal we do need to be separated from each other physically and thus i plan to leave in Feb. where i'll go in Feb remains to be seen but i'm tired of the animosity, the outright hostility and the demeaning and shaming way in which she speaks to me.

i still wear my wedding band because i don't feel like she does and she mocks me for it. sure, she's entitled to her opinion but that doesn't give her license to shame or humiliate me for expressing my own views on the matter.

we've both said that if this marriage didn't work out that we'd not get married again. if you saw Independence Day, i feel like the Jeff Goldbloom character that kept his wedding band on for the entire time they were divorced since he didn't want that divorce.

i don't want it either so i'm wearing my band.


H:44 W:43
M:12 T:14
S:6
Bomb 9/13/2011

JaeC #2213957 01/19/12 01:22 AM
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i suppose sometimes not knowing the truth is more comforting than knowing it... turns out, and i acquired this information through means which are unethical, she is projecting all of her issues onto me so that she doesn't have to face and deal with them, blaming and shaming me and actively wants me to suffer my my trauma disorder so that she can feel better about herself. it's disgusting since she knows exactly how that trauma disorder arose. i can't believe it really. even were there some possibility of repairing this relationship it is clear now that i've been played all along in some manner... controlled, used and manipulated and when i wouldn't or couldn't play the role any longer, she was done with me and delights in my suffering so that she feels better about herself. i'm appalled.


H:44 W:43
M:12 T:14
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Bomb 9/13/2011

JaeC #2216584 01/28/12 07:43 AM
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there is another man involved, perhaps not physically yet as he lives in California and she in Maryland but i saw a text from her to him saying "did you read about my crazy dream last night? see what you are doing to me already?"

there's this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach even relating those words. everything i've read says she's either been planning to do this for a long time, which she says she hasn't, or there is another person involved which, now, is clear.

...and i have no idea why i would want to try to fix this or stay with someone like her....yet i do.


H:44 W:43
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Bomb 9/13/2011

JaeC #2216609 01/28/12 01:22 PM
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Jae- I am feeling the same way. Someone posted on my thread that trying to save my marriage shows integrity and strength. Haven't gotten that into my head yet though.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
RoRoinMD #2218814 02/04/12 08:01 PM
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Hi RoRoinMD,

i don't know... i suppose that it may show that...perhaps it shows that i'm just desperate not to be alone or that i'm incapable of taking care of myself...or that i've been duped by someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

for me, at least, i still feel married, i still feel the love that i've always felt though, in truth, it's not being mirrored back in the least bit and so i think i'm kind of foolish and that she laughs about it with her friend.

all i can do is change myself and that's what i'll have to do. i can't believe that this is happening...it's still like some sort of horrible nightmare from which i just cannot awaken and, sometimes, in the dark, cold of the night, i just wish i had never been born.


H:44 W:43
M:12 T:14
S:6
Bomb 9/13/2011

JaeC #2220184 02/09/12 04:07 AM
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finally talked to my lawyers today.. two of them, one will be the lead and the other an adviser on the case. in any event, they have told me how what is happening right now is my SBE maneuvering to ensure that she gets custody of our son. they asked me why i couldn't and, frankly, it just never occurred to me. i think i was intimidated by the fact that i didn't have legal counsel and that her parents are wealthy and could easily outspend me in any sort of litigation.

they are taking my case pro bono or i'd be still having to do this by myself. i don't want anything unrealistic, i just don't want to lose my son or only have one night a week with him. he'd never make friends where i live and thus, as he got older, would be less and less inclined to come visit. i would like to be fair and share custody of him and keep him in his school with his friends and teachers that form his support network rather than making things easier for my SBE's commute.

by the same token, i know that watching me undergoing my transition will be hard for him and that's the last thing that i want to do; hurt my son even more than this divorce is going to hurt him.

thus i'm torn... really, really torn and i don't know what's best for him. clearly, staying in his school is hugely beneficial to help him adjust to the divorce which means i've got to find a place near his school to live, not the easiest thing on a disability income.

of course the lawyers are asking me why she wouldn't have to pay child support since she makes more than 2x what i do or alimony to keep in the lifestyle to which i've become accustomed. that will lead to all hell breaking loose to be certain.

there is just nothing easy at all about this when kids are involved, not one damned thing.


H:44 W:43
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Bomb 9/13/2011

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