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#2198365 11/12/11 04:32 AM
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hello everyone,

i'm Jae.

my story is long and involved as we've been married 14 years now. my story is complicated, a lot more complicated than many i've read here so please bear with me as i lay out the main factors in what has proven to be my undoing.

i suffer from PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder, used to be called multiple personality disorder, and for the past three years one of my self states has been forward presenting as a female so much so that we were diagnosed as being Transgendered as well.

the issues that we're dealing with revolve around those three things...hmm...not sure how to say it other than i didn't deal with my issues prior to getting married and thought i could work through them during the course of our marriage however, rather than doing that she and i (as we both have issues to resolve) hid ourselves in drugs, sex and alcohol. a poor investment of time and money as it turns out... therapy sooner would have been a far better investment. in any case, i didn't resolve those issues and am working through them in therapy now.

issue 1) i haven't focused much on the relationship as i should have. she's always been very controlling and i, needed someone to control me, so it worked out for the most part yet there were areas that i disliked it and would withdraw from her and spend more time online than in talking with her.

issue 2) the DID means that every so often a different self state will be present (look it up on Wiki if you're interested, if not just go with it) and (until just 6 weeks ago) i would have no memory of what that self state had done. some of the self states behaved very poorly and did a great deal of emotional and psychological damage to my wife. i finally entered into a Trauma Unit specializing in these things and changed my life there. it's not important for this conversation however everything about my life is different than it was before i entered into the program.

issue 3) we've always helped friends out if they needed a place to crash during a bad fight or even a break up and so i met a young transgender girl online that convinced me she was in mortal danger from her parents, my wife and i together (though she claims she had no choice, i disagree) moved her to our house. once we discovered it was all lies, we moved her out. she was here for 28 days. she and i didn't have sex nor did i have any romantic interest in her at all though i did love her courage and bravery for enduring what she had endured.

issue 4) i'm a trans woman. as it turns out my wife was right about that and i realized that i was not during my treatment for the ptsd/DID. i've been trying to tell her that for 6 weeks however nearly every time we have a conversation she starts with personal attacks and insults, knowing just which buttons to push, and i've been responding. she doesn't want to be married to a woman and i discovered i was wrong about why i felt like i was trapped in the wrong body.

in any case, that's about the long and the short of it. couple that along with the usual stuff that builds up in a relationship and she's basically just had enough. three days before i left the inpatient treatment center it "clicked" for her that she didn't want to be with me any more. she didn't tell me until we got home and i've been trying to deal with the issues brought up during the hospital stay and dealing with the impending divorce.

i'm emotionally all over the place. i read the book and have noticed some changes however she's retained an attorney (her parents are paying for it, i can't retain one of course with just my income) and reports every angry word that i say to her without reporting anything which she says. she threatened to take my son (who's going to be 5 in Dec) to another country and i'd never find them. i was horrified, frightened and reacted poorly.

i live in the basement until we can sell our house (went on the market yesterday) and then she plans on moving out with our son (she'll decide when he can stay with me) and i'll be going wherever i go. she needs to get a job first so i don't know what's going to happen. if we sell our house and she doesn't have a job, then my income would get a small place for us and still pay our bills.

i would die for her and so i will do anything it takes to show her that i've changed and that i can be the husband, partner and father for my son that she wants.

thanks for reading.

~j


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Bomb 9/13/2011

JaeC #2198619 11/13/11 10:59 PM
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I'm so sorry you've experienced so much pain. I'm sure there is no way that we could know everything you've gone through. Have you ever tried to write about your experiences?

I wanted to let you know that you're not being ignored but I, for one, am not qualified to give the advice you are needing. It would seem, to me, that your situation is more complicated than most, and therefore, would need a professional to guide you. I certainly don't speak for anyone but myself.

The DB board is full of folks who will give their support. Many people read what you have to say without making a single comment.....but you are heard!

Newcomers are monitored for a few days, so don't give up if your posts are slow to show up.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2198637 11/14/11 01:35 AM
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thank you Sandi,

i'm at my wit's end. my whole world, my whole life was built around my wife and son and now without any hope or desire for mediation or counseling it's going to be over.

i'm so distraught... i can hardly go 10 mins without crying.

thank you for the encouragement to continue writing.

~j


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Bomb 9/13/2011

sandi2 #2198652 11/14/11 04:04 AM
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my son was sick today (he's going to be 5 on Dec 30) and today was the first Open House for our home to sell. Even if we stay together without her working we cannot afford the home. in any case, we all stayed in one of the small bedrooms today. as we were getting it ready, she rushed into my arms to hug me... i started to cry and said "i love you" and she replied "i know". i'm sort of devastated by that yet it is what i've come to expect. she'll send me an email saying how much she still loves me and wants me to be a fully participating parent...once she decides it's ok for me to be so. then she'll purposefully do things to push my buttons...my therapist thought that she was actually trying to provoke me enough to make me strike her! i've never done anything like that in my life with her!

it was an ok afternoon...she used my bankcard (she doesn't have a job and no money in her account) to buy some lunch for us...and i fixed a few little things around the house without her having to ask me more than once. we used to get into arguments about that all the time. when we first were married, she'd ask me to do something and i'd stop, immediately, doing what i was doing and do as she asked. she didn't like that. we talked about it and it basically boiled down to i didn't have to do it right when she mentioned it but she didn't want to have to mention it again. i admit that i've got some issues with follow through on certain things yet when she claims that i don't do anything, i look around the house at all that i've built, repaired, maintained, installed and created and wonder what she's talking about... as it turns out, that isn't it. she's talking about me making phone calls to Doctors or whatever. i've dealt with Doctors for a very long time and i'm simply uncomfortable doing those sorts of things.

she took control of our finances from the first week that we met and it's remained that way until i closed our joint bank account and now i'm paying the bills. she gave me a spreadsheet and then, a few hours later, wanted to know if i had logged on to my bank account to check it. since i hadn't spent *any* money from it yet i told her "no" and she said "why am i not surprised" and i didn't know why she was surprised... i've never liked online banking in the least little bit and i argued with her about doing it...being and IT geek makes me quite wary of online banking and bill paying. in any case, when i did check it i found it to be exactly as i had left it a few days earlier.

i find it really hard to disengage from her as my therapist is suggesting. when we have a conversation, if it gets heated and i leave the room she accuses me of "just leaving when i don't like having to answer the question" trying to guilt me into staying. if i stay in those situations i find myself unable to remain calm and say things which i later regret and which she shames me with later.

she's my best friend...i'm losing all that i've considered important in my life even though i've got a whole slew of personal challenges to face, i never thought that in my hour of need my love and friend would desert me. i'm simply devastated at what has gone on.

indeed, i was in an in patient trauma unit dealing with these issues (finally) and three days before my release she tells me that she is done...whereas just the day before it was "i love you forever and don't worry it'll be ok."

i'm hurt and humiliated. i've moved into the basement since i returned home and i've not really been able to work on any of the things which i was supposed to work on from the hospital due to the toxic environment which i'm in now...it's just anger and recrimination all the time which makes it impossible for me to get things quiet inside my head enough to focus on doing what i need to do to fix me.

i've tried to put myself in her shoes and i keep coming back to the same answer. i promised her i would never leave, sickness or health, for better or for worse. i realize most people aren't as serious about their promises as i am however i've only made 6 promises in my life and i've never broken a single one of them. they can take everything from you however your honor and integrity are something that you have to choose to give away and *won't* yet i'm faced with having to break one of them or two of them.

when we first were married my wife made me promise that if i came home one day and she was gone that her dad had had her kidnapped and not to stop looking for her. i told her i would never stop until i found her. now i'm looking at having to break that promise too...for she will be gone one day when i get home and it won't be because she's been kidnapped, and i promised to her that we would always be together... JnR 4 Ever is what we both used to say. i have a card from her on our anniversary and it says, in her words, "i love you forever no matter what." i suppose forever has gotten a lot shorter than i thought it was and "no matter what" means until i feel like i'm done.

she said it just clicked i her head and she has to follow her gut.. her heart and mind keep telling her to stay but she claims to have ignored her gut for so long that she's not going to do that any longer. no facts or logical discussion can penetrate that.

i feel as if everything in my life is being taken from me by someone that took over my wife's body...like in V or something...she's so, completely, different than she was just two and a half months ago that i hardly recognize her.

she's got her own share of issues, major ones at that, which she has neglected for so long. i feel that IF she is able to come to some resolution for them she would be able to be with me again regardless of what my body looks like.

i don't have a mental disease, i'm suffering from trauma caused by someone else. this is fixable with effort and time. i *know* i can do it, others recover from this all the time whilst some others do not and as far as i can tell the difference is self belief. i have had a large amount of self confidence yet now my wife claims that i have lacked it and have only been pretending to have it. i'm a combat veteran with jump master wings, air assault badge and all the rest...i can survive in just about any condition or situation... yet i never expected or imagined that this would be the one where i'm having to do it.

in some ways, i feel like i just want to give in and let her go on about her life. this is my second marriage and her first. she thought i knew all about it, though i never made that claim, and says that her ideas about it were all wrong and she was too young (29) to get married et al. however my sense of honor will not let me walk away. i still wear our ring though she has removed hers. she says she kept hers on when i first got home because she was afraid that i would freak out. she's taken "important" papers from our son's folder (i haven't asked about them yet though i feel i'm entitled to a copy at least) and didn't tell me about that, either, because she was afraid that i'd freak out.

my room in the basement is like a shrine to her and my son, their pictures are up everywhere.... it was because of them and wanting to be better for them that i finally got the level of stabilization that i did at the hospital and now it seems like something of a waste. don't get me wrong, it's helpful for me in any event, still it's as if my motivation was taken as well.

i'm just a mess. her parents are paying for her lawyer whilst on my disability income i cannot even afford the retainer fee. when the paperwork comes then i'll do what i can which will mean not paying some bills which will work to my disadvantage but what else is there? the pro bono attorneys i've contacted have all said "no".


H:44 W:43
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Bomb 9/13/2011

JaeC #2199056 11/15/11 04:16 PM
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Hi Jae.

Have you read the DR book?

Your therapist offers good advice, it's time to start to disengage from your W as best you can. All the triggers are going to keep triggering you until you can get yourself emotionally stable enough to deal with things, one at a time...

There's never any guarantee, but generally speaking a D doesn't happen over night. It takes time. For that reason, you have time to work on yourself which is a big part of what DBing is about.

While I'm sure your W would say you've "changed" and you may be inclined to believe her, I'd submit that the biggest thing to show the world is you HAVE NOT changed... in the sense that you are still... you...

Yes, you will need to adjust to your new found and accepted self. But that doesn't mean you're any less than the caring H and father and that you are still physically and emotionally capable of carrying on your job as well as the day to day routine or upkeep of the home and other duties that a H performs...

I am not a psychologist so what I say is unqualified, but consider the trigger for your PTSD. You W just had a major "shock" with your prognosis. It reads as though she thinks your new revelations have somehow changed you. Of course you may live your life a little different, perhaps you will (and you should) conduct yourself in a more confident manner now that you better understand your original confusion about yourself.

But that doesn't change YOU in any large degree if you feel how you behaved and who you were is any different than who you want to be and how you want to behave once you've adjusted your inner self with your outer self.

And your W and those around you are going to need time to get to know you again, and know that you are that same, lovable and helpful person they've always known...

Read the DR book and get to working on yourself to the best of your ability and shine through as the best you that you can be. You have an opportunity to REALLY step up and BE YOU and hopefully your W will understand that "no matter what" and "forever" are still as relevant for her as ever.

~ kd ~ #2199433 11/17/11 02:02 AM
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hi Kaffe,

i've read one of the books, probably DB.

i've also started reading a book called "Healing the Shame which binds you" and that she commented that was the first "non divorce" related book that i've checked out from the library. i've been reading about how to be civil during them, DB of course, how to be a family afterwards and things like that.

you're right, it's about changing myself. i have recently learned a lot of good, helpful skills to do that very thing however the bomb couldn't have been dropped at a worse time for me personally. it's completely thrown me off.

you are also right in your assessment that she often comments that she doesn't even know me any longer, i tell her i understand and that i'm not saying she accept my word or anything like that, just get to know me and see that i'm still the "me" that you fell in love with all those years ago.

next time i'm at the library i'll get the DR book. thank you for your feedback and suggestions, they are appreciated.

it's been a bit better yet every time it gets better she makes a point of saying that she thinks we act like "things are getting better" when she acts like she cares or is still in love, which she freely admits she is. we've both got our issues, no doubt about it, and mine are trickier than many others however regardless of what i look like i'm still "me".. that essential being which was drawn to her and she to me. she's changed as well...as we all do in 14 years.

*sigh*


H:44 W:43
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Bomb 9/13/2011

JaeC #2199463 11/17/11 05:54 AM
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Just a quick note about her "notice" regarding the book you're currently reading...

The point being... she noticed... and this is VERY important...

The DR book is more like a "workbook" in that you can look specifically at chapters that may suit your more specific situation.

It may feel like your W's bomb couldn't have come at a worse time. I and others can probably attest there is NEVER a good time. Still, I completely understand how the bomb could compound your stress.

One thing you will find we often say around here is it is ACTIONS not WORDS that makes a difference. You can give your W a lot of words to suggest that you are still you and that your R or M can be great. It will be your consistent actions that will show your W that you are a great person and someone she would be a fool to leave.

This could be a great opportunity for both you and your W to get to know you, all over again...

Find your inner peace and keep your chin up and keep on... keeping on... no matter what... it gets better...

~ kd ~ #2199600 11/17/11 07:30 PM
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hi Kaffe,

thank you once again for the information regarding DR, i'm going to make sure to read it once i have an opportunity.

i would tend to agree, there is never a good time to receive news like this unless, perhaps, you were also of the mind to get divorced.

last night she complained that my changed actions i.e. being upstairs during bath, clean up, brush need... basically "need too" time it's like i'm stalking them and it's making her uncomfortable. it's unusual in a sense. she has complained that she doesn't like doing those things alone or all the time...we did talk about how i should volunteer to take him up for bath time and all...then before he's done with dinner and we're all at the table she get's up, announces his bath and that she's going upstairs to draw it.

i'm not given the chance and when i try to participate it's making her, maybe him too a little bit, feel uncomfortable. that doesn't mean i'm going to stop doing what i can to address the specific things that she's had going on.

she's seeing a therapist she likes and seems to be making good progress on her feelings but she says they mostly spend the time talking about me and what is going on with me...i've been encouraging her for a long time, which she admits, yet claims that i've never been supportive.

it's a tricky, stressful situation to say the least. combine that with the rest of the things going on with me and it doesn't surprise me that i have hit rock bottom and finally... maybe..start to understand myself a bit more and why i do what i do and how i can change those aspects of myself which have sabotaged my own efforts at happiness and fulfillment.

i'll take your word for it that it gets better...when your in the middle of the storm all directions are equally full of bad weather.

~j


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JaeC #2200471 11/22/11 09:54 AM
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oh my god...

i'm just now wondering if my wife is having an EA with someone she met online. i have a horrible chill running down my spine and a huge cold pit in my stomach... i'm suddenly so panicked that i want to go ask her about it now... i feel like i've really, really worked hard at changing myself, my actions and my trauma issues.

i'm horrified...this must be what you call a panic attack...

i heard a beep on her cell when she was upstairs and i just glanced to see if it was her parents calling but it was not, it was a man she had met when she and i were both online on the same social/dating site (it's complicated....

strange... my son suddenly cried out and we both went to help him.. she startled when she saw me there... i am living in the basement, and they are two floors up.

i'm also in a real bind because of my physical disability, it's been surgically corrected as much as it could be however i'm still disabled from it. fortunately, it's not a mobility related issue so i'm pretty ambulatory and can do most things provided i don't have to stand, sit in any one position or place and all the rest of that crap.

we both see individual therapists, she's met all of mine and even been to sessions with me with them...i asked if i could go with her to meet her therapist and she said no...it hurt me because she's been so familiar and included with all of my things that, while i have no desire to attend all or even any more than one, i would think that he would at least like to meet me given that, apparently, i am all they talk about.

it seems that i am the abuser in this relationship. i've never struck her or threatened to do so, in fact the opposite is true, she's kicked me in the head several times...i tried to make jokes of it and eventually she stopped. nevertheless, on my first visit to a renowned in patient PTSD and trauma disorder program, she played a song for me which deals with lots of personal challenges for me and claims that she didn't know what the song was about yet wanted to emphasize the positive aspects whilst it seems that i had focused on the negative ones. the chorus says "even if i say it'll be alright, still i hear you say you want to end your life. now and again we try to just stay alive, cause it's not too late, it's never too late." she's pledging her love to me and i'm stuck in issues which have only, just recently, become things which are properly diagnosed and fixable. it's been like a mental health episode of "House" and they have finally figured it out and it's fixable, it may take a few years to heal but i've healed from lots of physical injuries before and this one i can heal from as well.

in any case...the next day we had a huge fight and i had gotten in my car she had stood between the door and the car so i couldn't close it on her...shoving her face down within inches of mine and screaming at me. i asked (probably screamed) back at her that she needed to move so i could close the door, she didn't want that so i turned off the ignition and told her to move so i could get out, she didn't. i picked her up and moved her out of the way. i closed the door and went into the house with her following and screaming at me..something snapped...the ptsd rage crap, i spun quickly and she was inches from my face again, i picked her up and couldn't find a place to put her, i turned right and she bumped the cabinet, i turned right again and then put her on the dryer and walked out of the house. whenever i've been really ptsd raging i always try to walk away which infuriates her to no end so she will pursue me, screaming often.

i've put her though such an emotional hell that i can understand, finally, why she's leaving me. what i can't understand, really, though, is why she's not going to give me a chance to be with her and our son (who is 5 on Dec 30) when i am finally healthy? we've been together since Sept 27, 1997 and got married on May 1, 2000. her mother died on May 1 and so we haven't celebrated an anniversary since. we did this year, we moved it to Sept 27 however by then things were very difficult between us.

i think that i've done myself in by my own hand. the loving, warm hearted person that i knew is gone and a cold, angry person is in her place and directing that towards me.

she dropped the bomb on me when i had three days left before discharge from the in patient program...so i'm dealing with trying to resolve that trauma and the trauma of losing my wife and son (she will decide when i can see him, if i'm healthy enough...my therapist wants to know when she got her PhD) and, honestly, i've been really struggling with the timing of her telling me...she could have waited a bit, that program changed my life and i think will continue to play a huge role in the future shape of my life in the near future. in some ways, that's good as it gives us some physical separation however it will more than likely mean i miss xmas and my son's birthday. it's even possible that our home would sell before then...and then i would have no where to be discharged too... her parents are paying the mortgage so the house is up for sale. my disability pays the bills and her old job was more than enough to pay the mortgage....

i've decided to stop typing about this now... if you read this far, you have a stamina of an super human, and my great thanks.


H:44 W:43
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Bomb 9/13/2011

JaeC #2200950 11/24/11 09:30 AM
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Jae...

I'm going to post on the birthday / christmas thing here, right now...

In some cases it might be OK to treat these things like just any other event previous...

In other cases, such as when the LBS needs to step out and take a good, long look at their sitch from a distance... these events are mere distractions that detract from the personal work that needs to be done FIRST, by the LBS...

From what you're describing above, Jae... it is my opinion that you truly need to remove yourself from what appears to be quite a toxic and potentially volatile sitch... both for your own safety as well as that of your family...

It could be IMPERATIVE that you do everything in your power to emotionally remove yourself and if need be, physically remove yourself from the environment when and as needed...

I am worried for you and your family, from what you've described.

Do what ever it takes to settle yourself emotionally so that you can think through things. It's all you need is an excuse for your wife to petition for a restraining order.

No one can mind read, but it does appear your W may be trying to bait you. And I would hate for you to bite on the bait...

If what you are saying is true... If your W DID kick you in the head (literally), then things (IMHO) are WAY out of control.

It's up to YOU to take charge and control OF YOU. Protect yourself from the sitch...

OK?

Then... get back into DBing...

Keep posting here and you will get as much support as the good people can provide, regarding your M...

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