things have changed pretty dramatically for me in the past few weeks. right now, i'm engaging in the social and cultural network in the San Fran area, i've met a few new friends here and that's been nice.
it can be really rough during the day but i'm still trying to find work which is mixed... it takes my time but hasn't resulted in a job yet.
seems that we have agreed on the terms of the divorce. i can't believe it's really come to this and i feel so terrible about the whole thing. i know it's not all my fault but i feel devastated by my own contribution to this. i honestly thought that it would be forever and despite the divorce she is still *the One*.
i miss my son terribly. it's hard to call and talk to them on the speaker phone.. it reminds me so poignantly of my exclusion from the family. it's one of the hardest things i've ever had to endure.
i'm sad all the time even when i'm out and laughing...it's just a mask for the terrible feeling of abandonment that i feel. i cry every day, multiple times a day and i feel like my life is meaningless now.
Its not meaningless. Younhave a young oynthat needs you no matter what you are feeling. You are meaning to him. You have to make meaning out of all of this for him. even if you can't for yourself right now. He has to feel safe and know that he can look towards you for the security he will need more than ever now.
TPS Me: 43 H: 41 M13 T16 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' (email) 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors began in 2010) July '14 H says he ended his affair
she's incredibly mean and hostile to me now and hardly a civil word passes between us. my heart, though broken into millions of pieces, loves her still. i always will. she will always be The One. i wish i could have done better with the opportunity i was given.
thank you for your kind words of encouragement. i don't often visit here as i find it just too difficult.. too open..too raw...talking about things i can do to save a relationship that only one of us wants to save. i don't even think it would be that difficult if there was any desire on her part to talk and try.. but there is none at this point. will it be that way for the rest of my life? i don't know.
it's been almost 10 months now. only 6 months without my son and i feel as if my heart or, more accurately, some tender loving part of my heart, has been ripped out and is hidden from me. i miss my son so much and i can hardly call and talk to him. he doesn't talk to me and i understand that.
whenever i call and i hear their life going on.. just their talking and the interaction it reminds me so powerfully of how i've been ostracized from the family, cut off and abandoned. it effects me for days until i have recovered enough to call the next time. it's horrible. i've never really felt anything like this in my life.
i could never, ever, in my life have imagined this happening to us.
just sad. always sad. so much of my music reminds me of her and us. so many things do. so much is lost. it's all gone. it's all pointless. she mentions that often...my responses to her txts and emails is pointless and that's mostly because i don't agree with how she characterizes me or the nature of our relationship these past 15 years.
i suppose that i just don't understand why she didn't even want to try... well... i guess i do but i don't want to. if i read this whole thread again i'll read things i have mostly forgotten or don't want to remember.