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#2193286 - 10/17/11 04:25 PM IF IT WORKS, DON'T FIX IT
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
IF IT WORKS, DON’T FIX IT: IDENTIFYING WHAT WORKS


In every relationship there are plenty of problem-free times, times when everything is going well, and you and your partner are getting along just great. It is vital to focus on these best f times. You can learn from them and learn how to recreate them, again and again.

Unfortunately, when things aren’t going so well, we often fail to pay attention to our good times. Instead, we get fixated on what isn’t working. We think that our relationship is always problematic. This way of thinking does us little good.

Remember, you can figure out how to resolve most relationship dilemmas by recalling problem-free times, identifying what you and your partner are doing differently during those times, then, do more of it!
Review your relationship goals. With your goals in mind, answer the following questions:


1. What’s different about the times when we’re getting along better, or we’re communicating well, or our sex life is great (whatever your goal is)?
2. What am I doing differently at those times? ( think of as many actions as you can, for example are you being kinder, more forgiving, more playful, more relaxed, more self-assured
3. What is my partner doing differently when we get along better? What is he or she doing that makes our relationship more enjoyable.
4. What are we doing differently as a couple when we get along better? How is our life different at that time? What activities do we do together when we like each other?
If you are having a difficult time recalling recent examples of problem-free times, look to your past successes.
5. What was different about our relationship years ago, when we were doing better? What was different about our lives when we first met?
If you can’t think of any exceptions, ask yourself:
6. What is different about the times when our problem is less frequent, less intense, or shorter in duration?
7. What’s different about the times when the problem occurs but something constructive comes from it?
Sometimes the problematic situation occurs, but you don’t seem to get upset by it. If so, ask yourself:
8. What’s different about the times when the problem occurs but it doesn’t bother me?
When you’re experiencing a problem, instead of figuring out “ Who started it?”, it’s helpful to figure out how you both got the problem to cease being a problem. Ask yourself:

9. How do our conflicts come to an end? What are our truce triggers?
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#2193709 - 10/19/11 01:42 PM Re: IF IT WORKS, DON'T FIX IT [Re: sgctxok]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
I think in most all these questions it always comes back to how sane I view my life. If my work is done, if I've eaten right and kept my weight down, if the money has been managed well, if we have fun things planned tolook forward to, if we have regular time off together and don't let work trump us.
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

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#2196662 - 11/03/11 08:02 PM Re: IF IT WORKS, DON'T FIX IT [Re: MynameisMZ]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
Hi MZ--

It's easy to sum up that way--its in your feelings. And you are in a good situation.

What we're looking to get at--is your SKILLSET. Because, then even if the world isn't looking 'up' (weight, money, etc) you can STILL have skills that get you through.

So let's drill down.

How do you and your H interact DIFFERENTLY now that things are great -- and when things were great before.....that is different from when things were not good.

What are the two of you doing differently TOGETHER?

And for YOU--how do you interact differently with your H during these positive times than you did when things weren't good
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#2197684 - 11/08/11 06:09 PM Re: IF IT WORKS, DON'T FIX IT [Re: sgctxok]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
We can start to post and dialogue in this section, right?

To answer the question as to what are you doing when things are going well vs...?

The single most thing that comes to mind is a kiss and embrace upon entering the house. THAT is very important to him and I realize it sets a tone for both of us.

Good example of not doing that. We had a new slate floor put in the bathroom. It has water spots. I tried for hours to get the water spots off and get the slate back to its shiny new self. H walks in from work and I (in my frustration because I'd been trying different things for HOURS) immediately told him how the floor was so frustrating. His feelings? "Attacked at the door."
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Top
#2203125 - 12/04/11 02:21 PM Re: IF IT WORKS, DON'T FIX IT [Re: MynameisMZ]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
Are we the only ones here?
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Top
#2218813 - 02/04/12 02:57 PM Re: IF IT WORKS, DON'T FIX IT [Re: MynameisMZ]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
Changes I've made for "US."

Increase in touching
Drop work during evening hours and be together
Date night once a week without the boys
More sex
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Top


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