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I guess I have trouble with this aspect because we're taught to treat others as we would like to be treated.
So, it's our expectation that we would be treated as well and as kindly as we treat others.
And from our significant others... we'd be treated better than strangers.

I guess I also have difficulty because the expectations for me have all too frequently been extraordinarily high and the goal posts are usually moved further and further back just as it seems I'm close to attaining them. So,I suppose I figure others should be held to the same standard that I am.

You speak truth though. We have no right to expect anything; not even basic politeness.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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See, I get the "no expectations" for an MLCer. But here's the thing. If you personally have done the "work" and feel good and clear with yourself, and with who you are, and that had led you to feel that you are not supposed to be with this person because he is falling FAR short and has been for some time, then I completely understand wanting better.

I guess I was "lucky" in that my XH was gone soon after he stopped being an equal partner. But I do think it would be difficult to live with someone for a long time who wasn't equal.

My parents have done this for 40 plus years. They truly despise one another. I think it's ridiculous that they stayed togetether. Why? So they are BOTH miserable? So they show their 4 kids a horrific dysfunctional marriage? They make no move to improve anything. They are both martyrs. This is their "lot." They married Catholic. Catholics "don't divorce."

They hold themselves as BETTER by far than my XH because he left me. So... my two parents who don't sleep together for over 20years and never will again and who hate each other, this is better?

Wow I guess I got way off on a tangent there, Q of S, sorry!! But I think my point was that there is nothing wrong with wanting a better life for yourself. No one here is going to judge you. That would be wrong. If you are done, you are done. You only have yourself to answer to. I think if you're not feeling well, that can color your perception. But if you're 100% and you still feel like this is BS, and you want it to end, then that's your choice, and we need to support you on that.


M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
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"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
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Wow I guess I got way off on a tangent there, Q of S, sorry!! But I think my point was that there is nothing wrong with wanting a better life for yourself. No one here is going to judge you. That would be wrong. If you are done, you are done. You only have yourself to answer to. I think if you're not feeling well, that can color your perception. But if you're 100% and you still feel like this is BS, and you want it to end, then that's your choice, and we need to support you on that.



S'ok Antonia. We all do it.

My DB counselor said I must be prepared to follow through, that's part of it. He's been gone for 2 years now I'm getting to that point where he can stay gone. That reentry into our home would be almost as wrenching an experience as his leaving was.

The other part is acceptance.
I accept he doesn't want me for who I am. To him I'm unsuitable. I accept that he has rejected our lives together as unsatisfying and my behaviour as controlling.
Oh well, can't make someone love and respect you.

It hurts ( especially since he has known me so intimately) but there is nothing I can do I have not already done.

I've now gotten to the point where I don't care, or think about him of my own volition anymore. I keep telling myself when thoughts of him pop into my head: " He doesn't love you, he feels nothing for you. He doesn't care about how you feel or what you think. You don't matter to him. "

Like many experiences in my life, once over and after a time, I barely remember them unless I seek a photo or some memento. My marriage is becoming a memory.
I'm not big on documenting my life...I have huge memory gaps of my life as a child and young woman, I was under so much pressure and stress and lived in constant anxiety, so me looking at old photos or reliving my past rarely happens.

He and the memory of my life with him, is fading. The memories are there, for now, but any emotion associated with them is gone.
It's factual, and almost documentary like in my head now.

It seems whatever love I did feel for him is, if not dead, dormant and frozen.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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Not much to update.
Very little contact with the X. I no longer initiate it.
Keeping any talk to that about the kids.
I've hung on so long...I don't think I can do it anymore. Even if it appears things are about to go in a positive direction, with the X deciding to finally get some help.
I know it's going to be a long while if ever before there there is amity and intimacy.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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You've been writing/journaling now for awhile about basically being done, telling your feelings about why you have come to this, etc. (which I think is good, getting it "out")

So my question is, knowing that you've posted a lot about feeling numb, not wanting to hang on, seeing your M as a documentary...what is your next move?

It seems like you are communicating that you need to do something. You sound like you're stuck, and you need to change something in your sitch.

Are you thinking that this status quo may go on forever and you need to do something to change it? Are you wondering if you should serve HIM with divorce papers?

IMHO I think you should try to come up with some tangible ideas here about what you might do and then explore those ideas to see what one you are most comfortable with.

What is in your heart? What is the thing you are not saying here "out loud" but you're thinking, if I am not being too presumptuous ;-)


M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
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"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
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Antonia I'm just writing to get it all out and sort through what I'm feeling. Just because I feel it doesn't mean I need to act on it. Even though the motivation is powerful.

I am stuck for the moment because I made an arrangement I need to honor, even if feelings are pushing me to say chuck you Farley, and just walk away, and yes start the D process from my end.

Yes I'm thinking any changes now, may be too little to late from my end of the situation. But, I also want to give it a fair chance now he's decided to get the help he needs so badly, for him and for our kids.

What else am I thinking?
When is enough, enough for me. When does the emotional pain I'm feeling outweigh the possible positive outcome? When do you cut your losses?

I am persistent, I am dogged and it's not in my nature to give up easily. I am tough and take a lot of pain, physical and emotional.

In the recent past I would have had a pat answer, but my world is no longer black and white.

I struggle with this.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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I very much relate to what you have written because I have been there too.

I hope it helps to know that I no longer feel that way.

For a long time we are still bound up - quite understandably. wth our spouse/former spouse. Sometimes it is Stuckville, but other times it is simply working on the process of detaching ourselves emotionally from the marriage, which lasted a long time, and held much that was good. If we hadn't had good marriages we wouldn't even be here.

It is good that you husband is getting the help he needs. But real change is hard work, for him and for you to see and accept him as he was, is and may be.

You will know when enough is enough. And it is not when you are thinking these thoughts! If we have to ask we are not there. It is that we want to be, we want the pain to end. Actually only we can stop the pain, or to put it another way, the pain is within us, and stopping it will not depend on what another person does. If it does depend on this, then we are co-dependent.

It took me a very long time to get this. I felt if my xh came back I would be OK. Well maybe I would on one level, but I needed to grow up, and not need to be kissed better by another person. It is the great lie of our age [and others] that our happiness lies in another.

I was very happy in my marriage, and I would give any other relationship 100% but I would not lose myself in it again. i understand why we do - love for our spouses, busy lives [even if we have a career, we can still be 'lost'] a life occupied with family.

Part of our struggle is a process of maturing, which is tough to go through - like you I am not a quitter. Now I can honestly say i would not go back to my old life, happy though it was. i want more, and less. More emotional intimacy, less dependency. I even wonder if the two are enemies . . .

Apologies for the ramble, but your post really touched me.

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It is good that you husband is getting the help he needs. But real change is hard work, for him and for you to see and accept him as he was, is and may be.


I understand Antonia. I am coming to accept many things without much emotion these days.
I still love the man, I still hope that he can do the work necessary to become the fully realized, vital, confident person I know is caged in. I hope that for him, not for me.

I sense his potential.

Even now,he is a decent and very kind man even in his MLC.
He is not a spewer, he is not vindictive,he is not inflexible.

I just hope he doesn't give up on himself.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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Sorry I meant to respond to you Beatrice. Don't know why I called you Antonia ;-).


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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Not a problem - I do it too - in any case it is flattering to be mistaken for Antonia!

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