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#2182945 - 09/01/11 09:33 PM Welcome! Let's Begin!
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
Welcome to those of you who have signed up to work the Keeping Love Alive 2011 program with us.

I will post the new topic weekly, and check in throughout the week as time allows to respond to you. You can respond to each other as well--it's best to ask questions offer brainstorming ideas, but the idea here is to be solution focused--help each other learn to work through issues, rather than to give advice.

Please feel free to work at your own pace as your time allows. Feel free to respond on the thread with the questions or start your own thread on this forum to keep all of your personal situation together, as a solution journal--whatever works for you.

Maybe you haven't signed up yet, feel free to sign up and join in at any time, at your own pace.
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#2182961 - 09/01/11 10:00 PM Re: Welcome! Let's Begin! [Re: sgctxok]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
THE ANATOMY OF CHANGE
Many “experts” encourage us to figure out what’s “wrong” with our relationships. So we try to figure out the cause of our problems or why things aren’t working the way we want them to. We analyze our problems to death.

Perhaps we delve deeply in our pasts to try to figure out how our own parents affected us and our ideas about relationships. We assume that our partners’ bad habits stem from our in-laws’ inept parenting skills. Sometimes when we’re trying to determine the cause of our problems, we dredge up old hurts and resentments. We point a finger at our partner and say, ‘You started it”.

Unfortunately, as you undoubtedly already know, taking these routes won’t help you figure out what you need to do today to get and give more love in your life. In fact, you end up feeling increasingly frustrated because you aren’t finding solutions. So here’s the good news. Instead of becoming an expert on why things aren’t working as well as they could be, you’re going to become an expert on getting the love you want and keeping it alive. For starters, it helps to set some relationship goals.

Think about the things you want to improve. List as many items as you want…then choose your top 3 priorities. Take some time to do this exercise carefully.


AREAS IN MY RELATIONSHIP WHICH NEED IMPROVEMENT:





THE THREE THINGS I’D MOST LIKE TO IMPROVE ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP ARE:

1)
2)
3)
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#2185798 - 09/12/11 08:49 PM Re: Welcome! Let's Begin! [Re: sgctxok]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
I "need" to be patient and understand the ways my H needs to heal. His childhood wounds lead him astray in our KLA work....AND I want to know my own issues in this area.

Don't get me wrong...we are having a very good time now. When a trigger comes along, I seem to be able to better say to it, "Oh, get out of here!" Then I go to something banal to think about. I'm actually really sick of it! Yay! (You can get here from there...)
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

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#2185958 - 09/13/11 01:26 PM Re: Welcome! Let's Begin! [Re: MynameisMZ]
keep_going Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/11
Posts: 834
The areas in my relationship which need improvement and that i'd like to improve the most are the following. Are these too vague? Any feedback will be much appreciated!

1) Learn to communicate and disagree w/o arguing, getting defensive or assuming the worst from each other

2) learn how to diffuse conflict quickly and effectively when it arises

3) regain Hs trust that I can control my anger and not let it affect our R.

4) Forget about OW and not let her become a trigger for me to get upset. Ultimate goal - that H will leave OW

5) regain trust in each other so we can be open with each other about our feelings - good and bad

6)Re-connect emotionally and restore physical intimacy - show each other love based on each one's love language.
_________________________
Me & H: 43
D6
D5
S2.5
Together: 21 years, M: 16 years
EA: 11/13/10
ILYBNILWY & Separation - 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12




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#2189811 - 09/29/11 07:06 AM Re: Welcome! Let's Begin! [Re: sgctxok]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2758
Loc: VA
AREAS IN MY RELATIONSHIP WHICH NEED IMPROVEMENT:
- communication, we miscommunicate and irritate each other often, and rarely have conversations lasting more than a couple of minutes
- physical intimacy, we both hurt each other through perceived rejections and just not trying, to the point where there is no intimacy at all anymore
- sense of unity, we seem more like adversaries than partners, and my H sees me as a problem rather than a source of comfort and strength

THE THREE THINGS I’D MOST LIKE TO IMPROVE ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP ARE:

1) make it an R he would want to stay in
2) build each other up, make an R where we're better together
3) learn to recognize and address conflict better
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2193703 - 10/19/11 01:31 PM Re: Welcome! Let's Begin! [Re: adinva]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
AREAS IN MY RELATIONSHIP WHICH NEED IMPROVEMENT:
- Communication~ we have a different idea about what makes a good conversation. When I "add" to what he is saying, he perceives it as interrupting him. I want that ping-pong back and forth exchange that gets fun and he wants me to listen and not say anything.
- Sex~ we are having some incredible times and fun. He has let me in more by telling me things he likes and I now have a lot of accepting/adjusting to do.
- Trust~ I would love to have that carte blanch sense of trust back. Not sure that is a good idea. Maybe I was too trusting? I mean, I KNEW he was having drinks with her after work some nights! I trusted him! She came to our house for dinner!

THE THREE THINGS I’D MOST LIKE TO IMPROVE ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP ARE:

1) More understanding, more "I get you" feeling.
2) Feel more secure, more sure of us and our M.
3) Realize my H made a bad decision that had more to do with himself than anything else.
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

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#2248905 - 05/27/12 01:20 AM Re: Welcome! Let's Begin! [Re: sgctxok]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
Hi sgctxok

i see this is an old thread an hasn't been posted on lately. are you still around to work with us?

thanks
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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