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ah... I get where it wasn't really clear, 25...

Reading this part:
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
I had come to this conclusion prior to picking the kids up this past weekend. There was some miscommunication around the "flex" schedule ...

Right, that all blends as though there was a miscommunication and I decided to move on... oh contraire... I had firmed up my decision about a week and a half ago (as I realized that we really are moving in different directions) and the miscommunication happened at a later date...

I just found the miscommunication issue interesting and possibly worth mentioning for any who might see similarities...

If my intentions at the beginning truly were to D, then I have been successful and my actions throughout this ordeal have worked...

If my intentions were to R, then what ever I have done to this point have not worked... that being a word of warning to others to NOT do what I have done if their sitchs appear similar to mine... grin

OK, I think the horse is dead, now... lol! smile

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Hey Kaffe!

These decisions are tough. As I am working through some of the same things I am paying attention.

My decision becomes clearer each day. I realize I cannot continue to be walking wounded. I need to start to heal.

Sounds like you are healing!

Aloha,

Wendy


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
D final 9/12
Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
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Yes, some choices aren't so tough, others... well...

I was thinking to myself about how the choices are tough because of how attached I am to the marital vows... but realized that it's not so much that I'm attached to them...

It is more that I consider myself "a man of my word" where my word is my honour... Probably an artefact of growing up with alcoholic parents who were prone to "forget" things (including boundaries)...

Of course, if my W were to hear those words come out of my mouth, she would probably laugh and call me a liar, since that was one of her issues with me, that she couldn't trust me which stemmed from my "lies". Not to rationalize, but I'm a bit of a risk taker so the lies are things like not telling her that the phone bill is not paid (or alternately, telling her it is, when it hadn't been) in order to not get into YET another argument about me being late on a payment... and hope that I can pay the bill without her finding out... that's the extent of it... but of course, those lies (and yes, they WERE lies) would catch up to me...

My take away from that would be: a) admit and be responsible for the uncomfortable things, or b) pay the bills on time which really means do not, that which may become uncomfortable...

But I never forget a debt and I never forget a promise I've made. And I do mean never... I do not have people "remind" me of a debt or promise because I had not forgotten... as I said, my word is my honour...

So having said that, it has been difficult for me to make the choice to "move on" because of my vows. The only thing I can do is rationalize that this and anything further is the "for worse" part...

For me, part of the stumbling block had been because the future I envision for myself includes an intimate partner or spouse... so just having those thoughts that it might be someone other than my W is understood by my brain as being contrary to my vows, or perhaps akin to "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" (even though I am by no means highly religious)...

So I've had to work through that stuff in order to move forward, without rescinding my vows or word to the church, witnesses, my W nor my children...

I had to get to a point where I was comfortable moving forward alone (which really isn't a problem) yet ALSO with the forethought that my future will include an intimate partner...

With that, my statement above, that I will file if and when necessary, that would be because I make the choice to become intimate with someone... I don't know what that (that moment I will make the decision to file) might look like... but it is there, it is my promise... my word... my honour...

And with that, I can move forward...

And yes... like you stated in your thread... that can be a slow process to go through... to come to those decisions...

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Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
ah... I get where it wasn't really clear, 25...

Reading this part:
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
I had come to this conclusion prior to picking the kids up this past weekend. There was some miscommunication around the "flex" schedule ...

Right, that all blends as though there was a miscommunication and I decided to move on... oh contraire... I had firmed up my decision about a week and a half ago (as I realized that we really are moving in different directions) and the miscommunication happened at a later date...

I just found the miscommunication issue interesting and possibly worth mentioning for any who might see similarities...

If my intentions at the beginning truly were to D, then I have been successful and my actions throughout this ordeal have worked...

If my intentions were to R, then what ever I have done to this point have not worked... that being a word of warning to others to NOT do what I have done if their sitchs appear similar to mine... grin

OK, I think the horse is dead, now... lol! smile


got it. it is dead now! You shot it.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Maybe harsh, but definitely fair.

Yes, I am shooting the horse.

From where I stand, there is no M to save. I have to be honest with myself, there was nothing to save two years ago. I just wasn't ready to admit it.

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Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Maybe harsh, but definitely fair.

Yes, I am shooting the horse.

From where I stand, there is no M to save. I have to be honest with myself, there was nothing to save two years ago. I just wasn't ready to admit it.


maybe...but if given the choice, wouldn't you rather have stood a bit too long,

than quit a bit too early?

We all want perfect vision and clarity. But sometimes all we have is our commitment and stubbornness, and the wish to do right by our loved ones.

And that has to be enough.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
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Truth be told, I have a long standing history of (from "outsider's perspective"; ie. my "loved ones") of:

a) making bad choices
b) staying with something long past it's expiry date

I have never regretted any of the "bad" choices I have made, I have no regrets over any choice. I have had some great successes... and I have some great... learning experiences...

Not a single person has told me that leaving the house and the sitch was a bad choice...

If I lived my life based on what others say or believe, I have to say I never would have had the amazing life that I've had, to date...

I have been encouraged by most everyone, my family, my friends, my W... heck... even my kids... to "move on"... instead, I chose to stand...

I did what I could to become my authentic self and correct some behaviours and paradigms that were not serving me well for my M... probably not for any R...

I know stubborn... and I label it as commitment, persistence, perseverence.... I have hit depths of emotional, financial, and spiritual pains that I never thought I was capable of surviving, not just in this sitch, but in past experiences as well... I've said to myself, "never again"... yet, I will probably do it, yet again... all for the cause of having the most full life I can live...

I also have a tremendous amount of compassion... loyalty... honour... courage... love...

I see others, here and elsewhere... having this experience... who stand for much longer than I... who have seen the benefits of standing... even while it does not save their M... and I know that I can stand for a life time... It's in me to do...

I don't know what the future will bring (of course) one way or the other. What I DO know is, standing the way I have been is not helping anyone at this point. I am stuck...

So I've chosen to unstick myself... how that looks to me, right now, is to open back up to the world around me and welcome and engage it... all the possible experiences out there that might be...

What kept me stuck was my belief that... just one more thing... there are a million ways... etc., etc... focused on the M...

Having been able to say to myself... to release myself of limitations of the M... to be completely open to filing D, if and when I feel it necessary... if some other R came about... to be willing to stop trying to fix my broken M...

That has opened up a door for me to move forward...

And I know... without a shadow of a doubt... that tomorrow... I may course correct... a year from now... 10 years from now...

I had to dump the baggage, for with it... I was unable... perhaps unequipped... to move forward... towards a better life for myself and my kids...

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Hi Kaffe!

I agree there is a time to get "unstuck". And it is hard to see when one is "stuck". Like a fly on fly paper. I'm sure all the poor fly does is vainly pull and pull to get free from the sticky mess. The the fly dies......... forever stuck!

So using a little self-help solvent, you are ready to melt that sticky stuff away and get free.

You speak of baggage. I see that with me, too. And while I am dumping baggage hopefully I am becoming a better person. And although my kids are older, I also want to be able to make a better life for me and my kids!

You also said what has kept you stuck was your belief in doing just one more thing, I'm guessing then the next just one more thing. I just counted 23 R books in my stash here.

I can't fix it all by myself. I can make changes til I'm blue. And it doesn't matter. My H is done. Maybe someday he will come around, but at this point I'm not holding my breath.

Several people have told me to move on, but leave room for him to catch up later. I hate to say this, but if I move on it will most likely be in the form of a new relationship. And it wouldn't be fair to a new person coming into my life to be jettisioned if old person decided to come back.

People say they don't need a R. That is silly. This whole site is about saving our R. We are a couple orientated society. Most of us are conditioned to be part of a couple.


Thanks for sharing your perspective.


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
D final 9/12
Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Joined: Mar 2011
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hey Wendy,

One thing about this site is, the members support one another, regardless of the choices we make... but,

they WILL challenge us in the choices we make...

Early in our sitchs, it feels easier to just let go, and we are challenged to try, just a little longer... we get our second winds and find some new way to help create positive change...

In other cases, there's those of us who cling and push, attempting to control and manipulate and for them, they're challenged to let go...

If I had firmly proclaimed that I would continue to stand, I would hope and expect that someone would challenge me at this point in time, whether it was in my best interest... in my kid's best interest...

Just because we know these things, does not mean we ignore the challenges. It can be valuable to have those words from our "subconscious" questioning our choices... those of our members, here...

I can stand and move forward, but what I'm really saying is... I can't stand AND be open to engaging in a possible, new R if it came about...

My "stuck" is that, if someone were to flirt with me or show interest in me in more than just a friendly manner... I, being M and standing, would (and have) turned away from or avoided such advances...

I no longer want to do that. I no longer want to have the M and my standing, prevent me from seeking such a R...

My brain... my vows... they truly prevent me from moving forward, in that way... I am moving forward in pretty much every other aspect of my life... just not that one...

One could tell me that I don't have to make that decision, now... that no one is knocking on my door... that I don't have someone in mind whom I believe is receptive...

Again, the reality for me is... That door is solidly shut from even the consideration of it, while I remain committed to, and standing for my M...

So that's the "bag" that I let go... I needed to frame in my mind that I am dumping that bag and opening that door... and that I am ready and willing to file, if that new R appears... That I do not have that tie or connection with my W, that may prevent me from fully committing to any R that may come...

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"People say they don't need a R. That is silly."

No it's true. You really don't need a R. R is a choice. You don't need it to survive. In fact the thing about DB is to put you in a place where you reclaim who you were prior to the R problems that made you attractive to the spouse in the first place.

"This whole site is about saving our R."

Yes but you don't need to be tethered to your spouse to save it.

"We are a couple orientated society. Most of us are conditioned to be part of a couple."

Not really. How did you survive before you met your H?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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