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AJM80 Offline OP
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Hi everyone, I could really use some help and support. Just moved to where my parents live, plus found out H (who was trying to fix his soul/be a person he could be proud of again) is still dating the stripper who he says he's been trying to end thing with/hates sometimes (not indicative of turning over a new leaf - using her, using me, lying to both?).

I've decided I need to be done with him and go dark for my sanity. Thought I was doing very well as friends/friendly for kids. We weren't reconciling, just status quo/small improvements (well, some big ones). But I don't think he respects me, I think he's using her for sex/to feel young and not alone and using me to feel like a good person/family man/keep his parents and the kids happy.

Any suggestions? I've just moved and am a bit overwhelmed/depressed. Am working on getting through it without using frequent contact/hope of reconciling as a crutch. Around my family a lot, which is a double edged sword since I cannot just avoid and I have help w/kids which gives me time to think. Thanks!


Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
--Stanislaw Lem
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I think you've made a wise decision A. He's no where near hitting bottom yet, and you keeping it "friendly" might just be enabling him to continue with the status quo. Time apart will either either give him a true wake up call, forcing him to realize what he's lost or it will confirm your decision to remove yourself from the sitch and move on. Either way, you've made the right move.

For now, just relax and enjoy your family and your new life. Try not to second guess and take things one day at a time. Either way, you'll be fine.

Keep us posted.

OMW.


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
- Maria Robinson

M: 45 WAW: 36
T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9
ILYBNILWY: 6/2010
W left: 2/2011
W back: 2/2012
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Ok, continuing to stay busy, hanging out with some people I went to hs with (including a guy who is totally up for looking out for me/wants to date a close friend/says things that makes sense and doesn't try to put the moves on me). Some friends want me to get drunk and "let it all out" or "spill", but the best ones get that I'm like a super soft boiled egg. I need that shell till things are more together inside or I'll just ooze all over.


Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
--Stanislaw Lem
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Question for you: Since you are now out and on your own, have you toyed with the idea of just forgetting it all and not even bothering with a divorce, but just moving on with your life on your own terms? Are you still holding on that he may one day come around?

I'm curious as to your thoughts. I've just become so sick of my sitch, I just wanna go away. The thought of even having to deal with getting a D right now, let alone do anything with my W turns my stomach.


"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
- Maria Robinson

M: 45 WAW: 36
T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9
ILYBNILWY: 6/2010
W left: 2/2011
W back: 2/2012
Joined: Nov 2010
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Hey OMW - At this point, I don't really love him (or so I had decided last week). I found a crush to sort of focus my attention on, but it's not anything that would go anywhere or lead to a relationship. H threw out that it has been a lot harder than he expected since we left, but did not clarify if he misses me in addition to the kids. I'm assuming he means our older child the most, then the baby to a lesser extent. He's coped by shifting the love/missing he had for me over to the kids. He's talking about signing a year lease and then trying to get a transfer to be closer during his annual review at the end of next year.

My dose of reality guy friend brought up that no decent guy he knows would want to get involved with me while I am still married/technically in a relationship with someone else. Harsh, but he's probably right. As long as I am still legally married to H, I feel obligated to at least leave a little crack open for trying to reconcile. Really, because I can see H is juuuust starting to change. He said that his job prospects cannot be the number one priority anymore, that even if it hurts his career, he needs to be closer. So, I went from being irate and not speaking to him when we moved and his slut gf called smile to loving him again, just a tiny bit...


Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
--Stanislaw Lem
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To answer your question, I am keeping busy, trying to keep my mind otherwise occupied. I'm not ready for a relationship with someone else and I'm not really ready to deal with the finality, expense and emotions/hassle of a divorce. So I am in a bit of limbo. I am trying to break the cycle I have of playing happy family when H is around. I've started to tell more family and like I said, I have a little flirtation going - friends with limited to no benefits? Right now I feel like I'm all dried out and cracked up. Think smashed pottery - I emergency glued the big pieces together so that I look like a water jug again, but if you poured water in I would just fall apart. Gotta get to those little cracks and use some better glue this time.

This is all a mess anyway - it doesn't really matter how it turns out. You need a friend right now, if you know any divorced women NOT in a relationship and NOT NOT looking for a new relationship, a listening, understanding ear might help. I'm getting a lot of hugs from friends and family and it's starting to help. Be realistic about what you're ready for- even if your wife makes you ill, a new relationship won't work now anyway...really, you're healing and sometimes it's lonely and it [censored]. I crave love, affection, sex, someone to fold big blankets/sheets with...a partner. That won't come again for a long time, my friend.


Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
--Stanislaw Lem
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What do you guys think about dating at this point? Not seriously looking for a relationship, but dating? I'm married with two little kids and feel like I am some weird untouchable state. There's a very limited amount of time for me to leave the kids with family and go out and what sort of guy wants to date a lady who is married with kids? A nice guy would want me to be divorced/not mess with a married lady. A jerk wouldnt care, but the last think I need is a guy who just wants to mess me up more/make me feel cheap. I am starting to see why so many people go for this "friends with benefits" thing.


Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
--Stanislaw Lem
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I'd have to say... define... "dating"...

Are you talking about going to a movie with someone, diner and dancing... or friend with benefits...?

You bring up the "married but dating" thing... the so called "open" M... and personally, I really could not see myself doing that... but that's now... at least not emotional or sexual intimacy... but I would entertain diner and a movie with someone as companionship... but not technically a date...

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, but I expect separation papers in the next couple days... I may hold out as long as I can and negotiate some finer points... but I'm not prepared to hold on too long and will get counsel on the docs and sign them if there's likely no sign of movement...

but what I'm trying to say is, Nov. 6 marks the day we can technically file... and I honestly feel that... I need D to really be able to move on with my life... my W commented in an email that she figures the sep papers will do that for me... no... we're still M and I can't truly move on without D...

IF I don't file D right away, it will likely be because I am not ready (emotionally) to move on... it will be my... guiding light, as it were...

I don't know, that was a lot of probably nothing that didn't answer your question...

I don't see myself getting to close with anyone, until D is filed...

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I don't believe in an open marriage...more questioning ethics in a marriage that is constructively dead, like mine. We've lived apart nearly a year, not had sex in much longer, and he's been emotionally checked out for a long time. Now we live in different states. What is my obligation to him? Legally, morally, religion-wise...I just don't know how I feel. Probably should push for a legal separation harder, but he's dodging all those questions.

I'm not ready for a relationship/boyfriend sort of thing. But I do think I am ready to start severing those emotional ties to him (we've been together since I was 19) and feeling out other options.


Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
--Stanislaw Lem
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ajm

my mc told me once that if I chose to stay m, at least don't let 'fear of being alone" be a factor. That surprised me (he was a DB mc too, btw).

his point was that there ARE decent men out there and not to fear being alone so much that I became a doormat or lived in a trapped marriage in effect.

While legally separated, I did date. It was weird at first and I was very careful. But I did have some fun. The good news is that I found myself genuinely attracted to 1-2 men, (didn't sleep with them so no weird regrets there). They were intelligent and fun, and it was very good for my ego.

Mostly, It gave me a glimpse into a possible future without h, that was a happy one.

And ALL the men who asked me out in the past 5 years (married or not) had kids of their own, btw. One of my brothers told me he knew if he remarried, that the woman would have to already have a child of her own and he was glad b/c otherwise she'd want one of her own w/him, and he didn't want to be a father again.

(He had 3 girls of his own and his 2ndw brought her 3 girls into the m and yes, they had a girl of theirs together (oops!) so they have 7 d's. See why he would not want another child? Most men over 35 will get that. THEY may want another child with you, so figure that out. But don't assume "no one wants a woman with 2 kids." It's modern reality.

The better news is that in general, I found myself thinking that the pre-MLC h of mine, was better suited for me than 95% of men out there. H is very smart, not threatened by my income or IQ or degrees, he gets my jokes, he's active, etc...so don't assume that your h's dating is all about you looking bad by comparison. I'd be surprised if that were at all true.

IOW, even though I enjoyed meeting these OMs I mostly came away thinking that h was the best one for me...unless he stayed in his MLC, in which case there were other very pleasant options out there.

I pass this on, fwiw. And b/c I know limbo sukks.

(( ))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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