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#2199157 - 11/15/11 05:32 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: punkin]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
You may certainly borrow that term if you like. LOL. If it works for you steal it!
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

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#2199312 - 11/16/11 12:35 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Journaling -

Thoughts and feelings of late.

Feeling a bit of anxiety today and the need to take action.
I think it's time to get D papers drawn up. I have this urge to make an appointment in the New Year with my L to just start this already.

Am I impatient?
I do not know. Perhaps, but after two years of this perhaps not.
Am I ready to live my life as a free agent, and find love with someone else seeing that STBX is still so distant, hesitant and silent? That he's really not part of my life in any material way? He makes little to no effort to reach out to me. I find I am becoming short with him on the phone, when he calls the kids.

" Oh , hi, how are you....fine, fine. Here is your eldest, goodnight, pleasant dreams."

I do love him, but now it's the love you have for someone you might see at a family reunion once every five years.
You enjoy their company, you remember the fun times, you wish them the best and will be there when they need a shoulder to cry on, but the rest of the time, they're not physically there for you and you're not involved in their day to day life or drama, unless someone died.

I am turning into the WAW, now. I have no wish to contact STBX,on anything. He left me to deal with the wreckage of our lives that he left behind and I am doing that with much support from people here, friends and my family.

I do not want his help, I want nothing personally from him anymore besides what is in my kids' best interests.

His behaviour makes it clear to me, that what I and the kids need/want isn't even on his event horizon.
I'm just the caretaker to our kids when he doesn't have them on his visitation schedule, and he's not very interested in them either beyond hanging out.
I've had to deal with the fallout and the teacher meetings, counsellors and behavioural issues alone.

So be it.

If he wants me he knows where to find me, and he's not seeking me out. I know/feel for me to do/say anything beyond what's been said and done is redundant and is a waste of my energy and time.

Like teaching a pig to sing, it only frustrates you and annoys the pig.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

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#2199445 - 11/16/11 10:13 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/10
Posts: 1400
I'm just going to comment on this part:

"Feeling a bit of anxiety today and the need to take action"

If you make the move to get the papers drawn up and this alleviates some anxiety, then I think you know that you're acting in accordance with your own needs. If this does NOT alleviate your anxiety at all, then don't regret what you've done, but start to explore other ways to help the anxiety.

I guess what I'm saying is that accd. to my book on detachment, "there are no mistakes. EVER."

If this is the way you're really starting to feel, you have to be true to yourself and not be held to any timelines. 2 years is a LONG time, and what's really telling is the way you describe your feelings for him a few paragraphs down. You're sounding detached (with love for the past relationship/person only) and that's probably why you feel the need to "move."
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2199548 - 11/17/11 10:59 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Thanks for your response and validation Antonia. I appreciate your input and wisdom.

Yes my feelings are strong, but I can sit on them and not let them drive my decision making.

I'm still ruminating on the full implications of follow through on getting the D together and done.

Evaluating if I can handle one more ball in the air in regard to stress, money and time. How to tell the kids should my decision be to D and not stand anymore.
If those little glimmers of positivity I see in STBX's behaviour are true sunlight or a false dawn, or too little too late.

I am not who I was, I am better than I was and I'm still growing/changing and maybe now STBX is just too far behind me to ever catch up. If he did catch up, would we have anything beyond our children in common or a foundation to work with anymore?

Retrouvaille compares a broken marriage to a house that's been devastated by a hurricane that must be rebuilt from the walls out in.
The key to that comparison is that the foundation remains.

In my case the foundation to my beliefs and assumptions of what was truth/false about my very self, and life, let alone about our marriage was/is ripped apart and examined.

For example, I still don't really know if our children exist because STBX wanted them or if he just went along with what I wanted. Did he just marry me because it was the expected thing to do? How much of our "happy" marriage was about him going along to get along, avoiding conflict,trying to make me happy and in the end starving his own soul?

The foundation of my self and my life was not built of poured concrete but cinder-blocks labelled with those beliefs/truths and lies, and some are still lying scattered about, the foundation not entirely whole anymore.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2199551 - 11/17/11 11:20 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/10
Posts: 1400
You hit the nail on the head with the stuff about the foundation above...I feel the same way. EVEN IF XH were away from OW, and EVEN IF I sort of "slowed down to allow him time to catch up", I don't know that our foundation would be strong enough and I feel like that's what you're saying too.

I was reading an article today about broad-based compatibility and how so many marriages think they are compatible because the couples do have a lot in common, but that broadly they do not, and this made me think of me and XH...because if I go all the way back to the beginning, his view in life has always been that a job is something you "have" to do to make enough money so that you can get to the real business of living which is enjoying time off. He's always had this adversarial relationship with any kind of responsibility, like it takes time from just hanging out or playing. Dont' get me wrong, he works hard. He's not lazy at all, or he wasn't before, now I think he is in many ways. But he resented anything that wasn't "playtime." This was just never me. In my time off I was always making things, with my hands, or reading, learning things, or writing, professional development, which I made no money for but did it because it made me feel good, made me smarter. He played video games or fished or wanted to go out with our friends and drink from 9pm to 2-3am on a weekend.

Perpetual college student. I feel like all his "responsible" stuff like taking care of a house and yard and such was coming from him doing what I wanted him to do/what I took to be "what you do when you grow up." He never wants to grow up.

I just think this is a foundational problem that isn't going to be resolved. The guy has Peter Pan Syndrome, if it exists. I am no longer even attracted to that type.

Is this what you mean about your XH, that you have now grown enough and looked at yourself enough to know that you no longer want what he seems to want (or seemed to long before the problems)? I guess this is what they mean by the LBS becoming the WAS.

I like being a grownup and my XH has always fought tooth and nail against becoming one...that's a pretty big foundational difference.
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2199566 - 11/17/11 12:10 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Is this what you mean about your XH, that you have now grown enough and looked at yourself enough to know that you no longer want what he seems to want (or seemed to long before the problems)? I guess this is what they mean by the LBS becoming the WAS.


Antonia, in my STBX's case I truly think he does not KNOW what he wants. He doesn't know how a grown up emotionally mature man behaves ( he's never had a good model of that). He is so blocked off from his own feelings and repressed his anger to the point where all he can feel is fear, frustration and the urge to run.

He knows what he "should" want. He knows how he "should" feel. He knows how he "should" behave.
His whole life has been about avoiding someone's wrath, disapproval,non-acceptance and emotional pain. Putting on a smiling face of affability, with the smile never quite reaching his eyes.
Honestly, he doesn't know his own core self.

Antonia, I guess I'm not sure he has the courage within to face his core and find his authentic self. I just know it's awesome, I've caught glimpses of that truly wonderful human being under the facade.
I've been forced by circumstances to look into that dark crawlspace of self and seen all the false faces I've worn and the roles I've played and I have now chosen my authentic face to wear all the time. The masques are burned. Can he do the same, is the willingness to work and go through that pain there?

If he does not seek out his true core self, his foundation will continue to be built on lies about himself and life.

Our house can not stand with those broken blocks in our foundation.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2200655 - 11/22/11 06:48 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Journaling

I'm finding it difficult to journal, I seem go around in circles. For every little spark of progress, there appears to be something that always snuffs it out.
I'm tired of the constant rejection from my former prince charming. I feel devalued.


I'm very internally conflicted and uncertain.
I am cynical about my chances for my R with the father of my children.
Two years, four months separated now. Christmas holidays to come and then my 50th birthday.

I've lost patience and I have only a shred of hope I sometimes wish would vanish so I would have no qualms and be absolutely certain within myself that the man who once was fully my husband is not worth my time/energy to stand for, and I can D with a clear conscience knowing I've done everything within my power to change the situation, my behaviour and attitude.

His presence often gives me the unusual and conflicting desire of being glad to see him and yet never wanting to see him again.
I know he is a wonderful human being, I know he's got issues he has to resolve on his own, but time keeps on flowing.

I am alone in a marriage that exists only on paper, to a man that hasn't the capacity or desire to be married or love me, not now and probably(?) not ever again.

I am responsible for the same stuff and even more that I was when living with him. I am a wife in name only and I hate it.
I meant my vows, but not to the point of self abuse and martyrdom. I love myself enough not to do that.

So what's left for me to "stand" for?
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2200671 - 11/22/11 10:06 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/10/10
Posts: 1400
Well, there is a tremendous amount to "stand" for in terms of standing for yourself and yourself alone. It has taken me a LONG time to realize (and still I fight this in myself) that "I" am more important in the scheme of my life than "my marriage". With that said, my marriage is over. XH is living 45 min. away. With OW. I'm single, and learning how to like being single.

I honestly don't know how you're doing this, day in and day out. I think that if you see your "feelings" about marriage vs. your feelings about you as this continuum, your feelings of self-protection or your need to care for "you" have gone beyond 50%, so to speak, where for some time you probably sacrificed yourself if your feelings for the marriage or trying to wait til your H got it together were 50% or more.

I'm not about to tell anyone to walk away (or to stay!) It's a personal choice. But you sound like you are trying to convince yourself it's "time" (maybe I'm wrong?) and you know, it's OK if you have decided that. I feel like you sound like you need SOME bit of change in your life...maybe walking away is the change. Maybe even "solidifying" the "promise" that you're walking away is the first step. I mean, you can change your mind if necessary, right?
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2200672 - 11/22/11 10:06 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
Hi Queen-

I'm sorry for how things are right now and for the hurt that you've had to endure. No matter what you decide, a re-look at the past isn't as 'honest' as it was when you went through it. What you felt and gave your heart to, the love you have and had, it is real, it is life. The children, lives you created and raised from that love are tremendous. The heart that is in you and the person you are, is all--for half your life at least--created by that.

As you said--change is inevitable...and it's constant. Miracles happen all the time, so I'm praying for your miracle, whatever it is, this season. It's time. You're due.

You do a wonderful job here on the board. You make a difference.

sg wink
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#2200963 - 11/24/11 07:57 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: sgctxok]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 834
Loc: West Coast
Hi Queen and Antonia,
I just wanted to comment that I feel so validated and so NO LONGER ALONE when I've read on your posts through different threads. Queen, I read your first post, and wow.... if that didn't sum up my sitch with stbx! I have alot of similarities with ETB too.

I find it interesting. All us LBS's here truly are amazing women. Before the MLC, and the after math of MLC.

To me it seems that our WAS/MLCers really felt inferior to us. It was NEVER of our intention to make them feel this way. This is why they were probably drawn to us in the first place. For instance Queen and myself, we're both take action kind of women. Where as stbx's were very non confrontational, and severely struggled in atriculating their strong emotions in a healthy way, and passive. So, why not take up with some women that can do it for them? Yet at the same time, resentment sets in that we do that.

UGH! Never any simple solutions!

At any rate I just wanted to thank you for sharing. It feels so good to be validated and know Im NOT CRAZY and other people are going through the same thing.

Happy Turkey Day!

Kimmerz.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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