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Links to my saga, earliest first :

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2127498&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2143886&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2165017&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=2165167#Post2165167

Related Threads:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2144124&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2148319&page=1


And my latest musings:

I think I'm turning into the walk away spouse now.

I fully realize our M was not all roses and wine, and I recognize my part in the deterioration in our M as well as his. My thoughts/behavior that contributed to my M's breakdown I have chosen to do something about and I am happy with my progress in this area as well as my personal and emotional growth so far. Yes, I still have more to do and this process will be lifelong.

My life and responsibilities have changed very little since he left.
I still carry everything I did in the past and now, more.
I don't and didn't really need him.
Nevertheless I did love him and I did want his full participation. I seldom got it.
He sorta just went along for the ride, even if he hated the Carousel.

Do I love him now?
I care about his well being. I hope he finds his way to personal happiness and a really good understanding of what he needs and wants. I hope he heals his own trauma of the past and finds his confident and assertive self.

Is that love or something less than love? I don't know.

I do know I feel nothing sexual for him anymore. I do know although I offer hugs and touch when I can, it feels like hugging one of my siblings, but even less so.
I can count on my siblings, him I feel I can't.

I guess in some ways I've convinced myself he really never gave a damn about me, unless I could be fitted into some time/space/role slot he determined was appropriate to what he needed.
He didn't love me for who I am, he loved what he thought I could do for him. In fact looking back I feel he was often ashamed of me.
I was not then, and not now, really what he wanted. I didn't and don't fit his ideas that he has about what a wife "should" be.
I still don't.

I'm a wife in name only, and mother to our kids and those are the two roles I have as far as STBX is concerned.

I want more than that.

The question now is how do I get it?
I've resigned myself to the fact he wants very little to do with me, and in fact does not want any of his needs met by me.

I've also resigned myself to the fact he has absolutely no interest in meeting my needs. I don't concern him unless it's in my role as mother to our kids.

I've already done some dating and let's just say, the men there want me for one thing...


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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Queenie,

I fully identify with many of your feelings about your STBX. I'm dealing with the realization that the last 20 years was all about him, and when I asked for some back up, he was never, ever there, unless it was convenient for him to do so.

I do believe my XH loved me for who I am, but in terms of strength, I am the emotionally stronger, and that terrifies him.

IrishBlessings counseling suggests waiting one year for every 4 years of prior involvement before beginning a new relationship, in order to "flush" your system, and be able to give and receive in an honest, forthright manner. I can agree with this scenario. You seem very self sufficient, so why worry about how someone else can meet your needs, when you can admittedly meet them yourself.

As far as feeling anything sexual for my XH, I believe the thing I miss most is his friendship. At least, the friendship I once thought we shared. If that isn't there, than nothing else can ever be . . .

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IrishBlessings group may recommend away. As I see it , that is ano uunreasonable expectation that I have to wait six and a half years to have certain needs I cannot meet on my own finally met. Smacks too much of recommending women like me be shut up in a nununnery like Eleanor of Aquitane (another discarded wife). At that point I will be 55, yah good luck then sweetheart.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,307
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Sorry for the spelling errors, entered from my phone.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Joined: Jun 2010
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Q of S I basically said the same thing about that recommendation. My psychiatrist has 36 years working with people who have had to deal with loss and abandonment, and I don't know much about her personally, but she did tell me that 20 plus years ago HER marriage fell apart unexpectedly and she became happily married to a great guy (who runs her office for her) within 5 years after. They've been together since then. So between her personal exp. and client exp., she suggests that you have to reach a level of neutrality about your ex to be able to contribute fully to a new relationship. That doesn't mean that you won't ever feel sadness or pain or even anger--she said that kind of thing can bubble up 10 or 20 years later. But that IN GENERAL you have to feel neutral about your spouse--kind of like a love for who they were, which is deep in your heart, but also a "live and let live" attitude about the person. And that neutrality comes at all sort of different times for different people.

I wasn't sure from your signature, but aren't you still married? It sort of sounds like you may be trying to figure out if you should file in your email above, but maybe I'm reading that wrong?

I think in terms of a new relationship that it has a much better chance if you're not simply separated emotionally but actually divorced or at least awaiting the legal stuff to be finalized if you're in a state where that takes a long time.


M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
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Technically I am still married yes.
In my province you can be divorced after a separation of one year.

I was waiting for STBX, if he wanted it so badly to divorce me and seeing as I have been the "doer" in our relationship. He's done, as the country people of the British Isles say, nowt.

A short time ago, I told him to get a lawyer.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,307
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Journaling, feelings, nothing more than feelings...........

I feel like I'm at a crossroads.
I know I said I'd give STBX 3 months grace to at least work on his stuff.

However, I feel very strongly motivated to get the D going now. I want to get the paperwork and start filling it out.

I'm pretty sure it's because right now I'm very ill, in pain and tired. This in turn has brought up some very old feelings, feelings and reinforcement of my experiences that the only one I can rely on is me, that to ask for help is pointless because it doesn't come. And if that's the case...what do I need him for? It's not like he has any interest about how or what I'm doing.

I think I have hardened my heart.
Instead of having any reasonable expectations, I now have none. I can't take any more disappointment.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,405
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Queen of Swords, I totally get what you're saying about wanting to move things along, but the second I read that you were sick and thought that maybe that was making things worse, I thought YES, it is.

Every time I get sick or even stupid pms symptoms, the "old feelings" or resentments or what have you seem to increase tenfold. It's like this wall of depressive thoughts just smacks me, and it feels horrible. Then when I feel "normal" again physically, a lot of that angst just evaporates. Not saying you don't have anything to be angsty and upset about, of course, but I guess I've learned to not make any decisions when I'm in that state, because illness of any sort physically can really wreak havoc on you emotionally.

So I'd just caution you to not make any decisions of huge importance until you feel your normal self physically.

I also want to say that I'm sorry you're sick and feeling run-down. Can you try to distract yourself from the old feelings with anything? Maybe lie around and watch some movies? Make some tea and toast, light some candles, get that aromatherapy going, read a good book? I'm just thinking aloud to what I might do as I live alone, and those things comfort me if I'm under the weather.

I hope you feel better soon :-)


M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
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Thank you Antonia.
I saw the doctor and she saw me.
With the right prescription I'm feeling a bit better today.

I did have a brief interaction with STBX yesterday.
He passed something on through the kids. I was not happy about it.
So I texted: "Please. Do not pass messages on through the kids. If you wish to speak to me, speak to me. If you do not, don't.

2 minutes later I get a phone call.

WAS are weird.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 431
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Originally Posted By: Queen_of_Swords
Instead of having any reasonable expectations, I now have none. I can't take any more disappointment.

I don't check in here very often, as things are pretty becalmed her, but this did catch my attention, Queen.

I have learned that there are no reasonable expectations. It is important to have no expectations. And not just relating to your MLCer, but to yourself and others around you as well.

Life, like weather, is chaotic. One little change can ultimately reach much further than we can predict. Better to try to live in the moment, expecting nothing, but preparing for anything.

I am, by nature, a planner, so this is something I work on every day. I am getting better at it.


M 65
H 64
T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08
Two Ds

Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
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