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#2190485 - 10/03/11 02:18 AM A marriage shot full of arrows
Cyruse Offline
New Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1
When I think of my marriage I get the mental image of a buffalo laying on the plains shot full of arrows. So many complicated intertwining issues, I don't know where to start.

I chased a girl I thought was my soulmate for 15+ years. Never turned out. I left her sleeping on her apartment floor finally realizing she didn't love me. Drove back to my home state and started dating my wife. Got married a year later. I was very inexperienced sexually since I was a virgin. Wedding night discovered I had some sort of Erectile dysfunction. So from the get go there was major problems. I also discovered she had a real awesome way of dealing with problems. Being extremely rude, then when she was done going to the bedroom and falling asleep without resolving anything. I was frustrated with this type of fighting from the beginning and I remember thinking (somewhat apprehensively) that things are only going to get worse. I finally lost my temper and yelled back 6 months into the marriage and her being 3 months pregnant. So having a kid right away I didn't feel like we had a chance to really get to know each other.

After our child was born it took her 3 months to have sexual relations with me. During this time I was so pissed off I took to calling the girl I chased for three months. Eventually that didn't pan out, but I'm really not the cheating kind. So my wife has held on to that brief "emotional affair" for the entire 7 years of our marriage. Not that I blame her or think she doesn't have a right.

It isn't that she is all to blame though. I have ADHD, prettily badly. I am a terrible help around the house. I can't keep a steady job, and I come with a grab bag of impatient, emotional problems. Sometimes I can be cold. My problem is, I am extremely honest with her (or anyone else for that matter) I get real annoyed when she questions what I tell her. I feel like I have established a pattern of honesty and it's insulting to be questioned. I simply do not lie to her. If I was prone to hiding things she would of never known about my ex in any way shape or form.

I didn't use to cuss, but now my speech has become rather abusive when she resorts to her familiar social tactics. I often times try to set up my conversations with her so she doesn't get the wrong idea. For example, "Now, listen through this entire point so you don't get the wrong idea, please honey" She never fails to latch on to the first sentence and goes off on me, which in turns makes me angry. Its like we are just set to fail.

I try real hard to have open communication with her. She constantly acts like I am blaming everything on her. Maybe I am in her mind. I try to tell her there is a million things wrong with me I need to fix, and I name them off. I try to maintain a even playing field. She just seems emotionally selfish. I don't know what to do anymore. If she doesn't change I don't know how to stay with her. We have two wonderful children but she honestly seems to act so ignorant about how to have good communication. on top of the adhd, and the sexual problems it just seems like we have to much working against us.

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#2190535 - 10/03/11 11:33 AM Re: A marriage shot full of arrows [Re: Cyruse]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Hi Cy, welcome to the DB forum... you will find a lot of support here, even though sometimes that help doesn't feel very helpful, at the time...

First, you are new here and as such, your patience will be tested almost immediately due to moderation practices where newbie posts don't always show up, right away...

Second, the Newbie forum is the most active, other forums like this one might take a while for people to respond to posts, but they will...

Having said that, people generally come here because they want to try to save their M... since you are here, even though you are thinking of leaving, you likely want to give your M one last shot...

So it begins, thus... it starts... with you... we all must look into ourselves to determine how we've contributed to the break down of our M... and once we do that and work on those things in ourselves, it can help the M and we can start working on rebuilding the relationship with our spouse...

You've mentioned a number of things regarding you that appear to have helped create a barrier between you and your W... and you show some clarity in the last paragraph... you mention:

"[i}She constantly acts like I am blaming everything on her. Maybe I am in her mind.[/i]"

Yes... that is a huge thing to really understand and grasp...

In her mind, you ARE blaming her.

And from where I sit... there is a great deal that you can do to help change your behaviours and language that she will eventually trust and believe are the NEW normal and will go a long way to help build a great M...

What are some things you think you could do to start changing how you come across to your W?

I'll give you a hint... it begins with your first post above and how you are pointing at your W's negative attitude towards you... it's called "fault blaming and projection"... Do you see how much of that you are doing? And how, over a long period of time, it can wear our spouses down and cause them to be defensive?

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#2201008 - 11/24/11 02:05 PM Re: A marriage shot full of arrows [Re: ~ kd ~]
poepad Offline
Member

Registered: 09/17/02
Posts: 1437
Loc: PA
I agree with Kaffe, you messed up, up to your to fix it.
_________________________
Poe Has Got Off The Runaway Train

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#2281795 - 09/18/12 09:23 PM Re: A marriage shot full of arrows [Re: poepad]
Am I Too Late Offline
Member

Registered: 09/10/12
Posts: 243
You have some not so nice personality traits that could be moderated or controlled with assistance for YOURSELF.

Have you gone to and continued to see an individual counselor for your negative behavior patterns or sought the help of a medical doctor or psychiatrist for a prescription for your ADHD?

Thats all I have to say for now, but I sincerely hope that you recognite your negative traits and do something to attempt to alleviate them in your life, whicjh may in turn provide your wife some semblance of sanctity in her emotional turmoil.

Ed
_________________________
Me, 55 W, 36
T, 10 yrs
S-9
M, 8 yrs
1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa
2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa
W, AA relapse early 2009-Current
W moved out 2-16-2012
New OM 5-2012

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