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#2190409 - 10/02/11 10:08 PM Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Links to my saga, earliest first :

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2127498&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2143886&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2165017&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=2165167#Post2165167

Related Threads:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2144124&page=1
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2148319&page=1


And my latest musings:

I think I'm turning into the walk away spouse now.

I fully realize our M was not all roses and wine, and I recognize my part in the deterioration in our M as well as his. My thoughts/behavior that contributed to my M's breakdown I have chosen to do something about and I am happy with my progress in this area as well as my personal and emotional growth so far. Yes, I still have more to do and this process will be lifelong.

My life and responsibilities have changed very little since he left.
I still carry everything I did in the past and now, more.
I don't and didn't really need him.
Nevertheless I did love him and I did want his full participation. I seldom got it.
He sorta just went along for the ride, even if he hated the Carousel.

Do I love him now?
I care about his well being. I hope he finds his way to personal happiness and a really good understanding of what he needs and wants. I hope he heals his own trauma of the past and finds his confident and assertive self.

Is that love or something less than love? I don't know.

I do know I feel nothing sexual for him anymore. I do know although I offer hugs and touch when I can, it feels like hugging one of my siblings, but even less so.
I can count on my siblings, him I feel I can't.

I guess in some ways I've convinced myself he really never gave a damn about me, unless I could be fitted into some time/space/role slot he determined was appropriate to what he needed.
He didn't love me for who I am, he loved what he thought I could do for him. In fact looking back I feel he was often ashamed of me.
I was not then, and not now, really what he wanted. I didn't and don't fit his ideas that he has about what a wife "should" be.
I still don't.

I'm a wife in name only, and mother to our kids and those are the two roles I have as far as STBX is concerned.

I want more than that.

The question now is how do I get it?
I've resigned myself to the fact he wants very little to do with me, and in fact does not want any of his needs met by me.

I've also resigned myself to the fact he has absolutely no interest in meeting my needs. I don't concern him unless it's in my role as mother to our kids.

I've already done some dating and let's just say, the men there want me for one thing...
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

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#2190452 - 10/03/11 01:31 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
punkin Offline
Member

Registered: 05/21/10
Posts: 1969
Loc: Arkansas
Queenie,

I fully identify with many of your feelings about your STBX. I'm dealing with the realization that the last 20 years was all about him, and when I asked for some back up, he was never, ever there, unless it was convenient for him to do so.

I do believe my XH loved me for who I am, but in terms of strength, I am the emotionally stronger, and that terrifies him.

IrishBlessings counseling suggests waiting one year for every 4 years of prior involvement before beginning a new relationship, in order to "flush" your system, and be able to give and receive in an honest, forthright manner. I can agree with this scenario. You seem very self sufficient, so why worry about how someone else can meet your needs, when you can admittedly meet them yourself.

As far as feeling anything sexual for my XH, I believe the thing I miss most is his friendship. At least, the friendship I once thought we shared. If that isn't there, than nothing else can ever be . . .

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#2190456 - 10/03/11 02:15 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: punkin]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
IrishBlessings group may recommend away. As I see it , that is ano uunreasonable expectation that I have to wait six and a half years to have certain needs I cannot meet on my own finally met. Smacks too much of recommending women like me be shut up in a nununnery like Eleanor of Aquitane (another discarded wife). At that point I will be 55, yah good luck then sweetheart.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2190457 - 10/03/11 02:17 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Sorry for the spelling errors, entered from my phone.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2190458 - 10/03/11 02:39 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1400
Q of S I basically said the same thing about that recommendation. My psychiatrist has 36 years working with people who have had to deal with loss and abandonment, and I don't know much about her personally, but she did tell me that 20 plus years ago HER marriage fell apart unexpectedly and she became happily married to a great guy (who runs her office for her) within 5 years after. They've been together since then. So between her personal exp. and client exp., she suggests that you have to reach a level of neutrality about your ex to be able to contribute fully to a new relationship. That doesn't mean that you won't ever feel sadness or pain or even anger--she said that kind of thing can bubble up 10 or 20 years later. But that IN GENERAL you have to feel neutral about your spouse--kind of like a love for who they were, which is deep in your heart, but also a "live and let live" attitude about the person. And that neutrality comes at all sort of different times for different people.

I wasn't sure from your signature, but aren't you still married? It sort of sounds like you may be trying to figure out if you should file in your email above, but maybe I'm reading that wrong?

I think in terms of a new relationship that it has a much better chance if you're not simply separated emotionally but actually divorced or at least awaiting the legal stuff to be finalized if you're in a state where that takes a long time.
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2190466 - 10/03/11 03:39 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Technically I am still married yes.
In my province you can be divorced after a separation of one year.

I was waiting for STBX, if he wanted it so badly to divorce me and seeing as I have been the "doer" in our relationship. He's done, as the country people of the British Isles say, nowt.

A short time ago, I told him to get a lawyer.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2190658 - 10/04/11 02:39 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Journaling, feelings, nothing more than feelings...........

I feel like I'm at a crossroads.
I know I said I'd give STBX 3 months grace to at least work on his stuff.

However, I feel very strongly motivated to get the D going now. I want to get the paperwork and start filling it out.

I'm pretty sure it's because right now I'm very ill, in pain and tired. This in turn has brought up some very old feelings, feelings and reinforcement of my experiences that the only one I can rely on is me, that to ask for help is pointless because it doesn't come. And if that's the case...what do I need him for? It's not like he has any interest about how or what I'm doing.

I think I have hardened my heart.
Instead of having any reasonable expectations, I now have none. I can't take any more disappointment.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2190680 - 10/04/11 04:07 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1400
Queen of Swords, I totally get what you're saying about wanting to move things along, but the second I read that you were sick and thought that maybe that was making things worse, I thought YES, it is.

Every time I get sick or even stupid pms symptoms, the "old feelings" or resentments or what have you seem to increase tenfold. It's like this wall of depressive thoughts just smacks me, and it feels horrible. Then when I feel "normal" again physically, a lot of that angst just evaporates. Not saying you don't have anything to be angsty and upset about, of course, but I guess I've learned to not make any decisions when I'm in that state, because illness of any sort physically can really wreak havoc on you emotionally.

So I'd just caution you to not make any decisions of huge importance until you feel your normal self physically.

I also want to say that I'm sorry you're sick and feeling run-down. Can you try to distract yourself from the old feelings with anything? Maybe lie around and watch some movies? Make some tea and toast, light some candles, get that aromatherapy going, read a good book? I'm just thinking aloud to what I might do as I live alone, and those things comfort me if I'm under the weather.

I hope you feel better soon :-)
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2190752 - 10/04/11 03:07 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Thank you Antonia.
I saw the doctor and she saw me.
With the right prescription I'm feeling a bit better today.

I did have a brief interaction with STBX yesterday.
He passed something on through the kids. I was not happy about it.
So I texted: "Please. Do not pass messages on through the kids. If you wish to speak to me, speak to me. If you do not, don't.

2 minutes later I get a phone call.

WAS are weird.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2190874 - 10/05/11 01:12 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Twink Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/09
Posts: 431
Loc: Mountain Time
Originally Posted By: Queen_of_Swords
Instead of having any reasonable expectations, I now have none. I can't take any more disappointment.

I don't check in here very often, as things are pretty becalmed her, but this did catch my attention, Queen.

I have learned that there are no reasonable expectations. It is important to have no expectations. And not just relating to your MLCer, but to yourself and others around you as well.

Life, like weather, is chaotic. One little change can ultimately reach much further than we can predict. Better to try to live in the moment, expecting nothing, but preparing for anything.

I am, by nature, a planner, so this is something I work on every day. I am getting better at it.
_________________________
M 65
H 64
T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08
Two Ds

Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man

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#2190878 - 10/05/11 01:34 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Twink]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
I guess I have trouble with this aspect because we're taught to treat others as we would like to be treated.
So, it's our expectation that we would be treated as well and as kindly as we treat others.
And from our significant others... we'd be treated better than strangers.

I guess I also have difficulty because the expectations for me have all too frequently been extraordinarily high and the goal posts are usually moved further and further back just as it seems I'm close to attaining them. So,I suppose I figure others should be held to the same standard that I am.

You speak truth though. We have no right to expect anything; not even basic politeness.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2190889 - 10/05/11 02:16 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1400
See, I get the "no expectations" for an MLCer. But here's the thing. If you personally have done the "work" and feel good and clear with yourself, and with who you are, and that had led you to feel that you are not supposed to be with this person because he is falling FAR short and has been for some time, then I completely understand wanting better.

I guess I was "lucky" in that my XH was gone soon after he stopped being an equal partner. But I do think it would be difficult to live with someone for a long time who wasn't equal.

My parents have done this for 40 plus years. They truly despise one another. I think it's ridiculous that they stayed togetether. Why? So they are BOTH miserable? So they show their 4 kids a horrific dysfunctional marriage? They make no move to improve anything. They are both martyrs. This is their "lot." They married Catholic. Catholics "don't divorce."

They hold themselves as BETTER by far than my XH because he left me. So... my two parents who don't sleep together for over 20years and never will again and who hate each other, this is better?

Wow I guess I got way off on a tangent there, Q of S, sorry!! But I think my point was that there is nothing wrong with wanting a better life for yourself. No one here is going to judge you. That would be wrong. If you are done, you are done. You only have yourself to answer to. I think if you're not feeling well, that can color your perception. But if you're 100% and you still feel like this is BS, and you want it to end, then that's your choice, and we need to support you on that.
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2190898 - 10/05/11 02:40 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Quote:

Wow I guess I got way off on a tangent there, Q of S, sorry!! But I think my point was that there is nothing wrong with wanting a better life for yourself. No one here is going to judge you. That would be wrong. If you are done, you are done. You only have yourself to answer to. I think if you're not feeling well, that can color your perception. But if you're 100% and you still feel like this is BS, and you want it to end, then that's your choice, and we need to support you on that.



S'ok Antonia. We all do it.

My DB counselor said I must be prepared to follow through, that's part of it. He's been gone for 2 years now I'm getting to that point where he can stay gone. That reentry into our home would be almost as wrenching an experience as his leaving was.

The other part is acceptance.
I accept he doesn't want me for who I am. To him I'm unsuitable. I accept that he has rejected our lives together as unsatisfying and my behaviour as controlling.
Oh well, can't make someone love and respect you.

It hurts ( especially since he has known me so intimately) but there is nothing I can do I have not already done.

I've now gotten to the point where I don't care, or think about him of my own volition anymore. I keep telling myself when thoughts of him pop into my head: " He doesn't love you, he feels nothing for you. He doesn't care about how you feel or what you think. You don't matter to him. "

Like many experiences in my life, once over and after a time, I barely remember them unless I seek a photo or some memento. My marriage is becoming a memory.
I'm not big on documenting my life...I have huge memory gaps of my life as a child and young woman, I was under so much pressure and stress and lived in constant anxiety, so me looking at old photos or reliving my past rarely happens.

He and the memory of my life with him, is fading. The memories are there, for now, but any emotion associated with them is gone.
It's factual, and almost documentary like in my head now.

It seems whatever love I did feel for him is, if not dead, dormant and frozen.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2191342 - 10/07/11 04:48 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Not much to update.
Very little contact with the X. I no longer initiate it.
Keeping any talk to that about the kids.
I've hung on so long...I don't think I can do it anymore. Even if it appears things are about to go in a positive direction, with the X deciding to finally get some help.
I know it's going to be a long while if ever before there there is amity and intimacy.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2191349 - 10/07/11 05:55 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1400
You've been writing/journaling now for awhile about basically being done, telling your feelings about why you have come to this, etc. (which I think is good, getting it "out")

So my question is, knowing that you've posted a lot about feeling numb, not wanting to hang on, seeing your M as a documentary...what is your next move?

It seems like you are communicating that you need to do something. You sound like you're stuck, and you need to change something in your sitch.

Are you thinking that this status quo may go on forever and you need to do something to change it? Are you wondering if you should serve HIM with divorce papers?

IMHO I think you should try to come up with some tangible ideas here about what you might do and then explore those ideas to see what one you are most comfortable with.

What is in your heart? What is the thing you are not saying here "out loud" but you're thinking, if I am not being too presumptuous ;-)
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2191491 - 10/08/11 02:16 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Antonia I'm just writing to get it all out and sort through what I'm feeling. Just because I feel it doesn't mean I need to act on it. Even though the motivation is powerful.

I am stuck for the moment because I made an arrangement I need to honor, even if feelings are pushing me to say chuck you Farley, and just walk away, and yes start the D process from my end.

Yes I'm thinking any changes now, may be too little to late from my end of the situation. But, I also want to give it a fair chance now he's decided to get the help he needs so badly, for him and for our kids.

What else am I thinking?
When is enough, enough for me. When does the emotional pain I'm feeling outweigh the possible positive outcome? When do you cut your losses?

I am persistent, I am dogged and it's not in my nature to give up easily. I am tough and take a lot of pain, physical and emotional.

In the recent past I would have had a pat answer, but my world is no longer black and white.

I struggle with this.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2191507 - 10/08/11 07:00 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
beatrice Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/10
Posts: 2142
I very much relate to what you have written because I have been there too.

I hope it helps to know that I no longer feel that way.

For a long time we are still bound up - quite understandably. wth our spouse/former spouse. Sometimes it is Stuckville, but other times it is simply working on the process of detaching ourselves emotionally from the marriage, which lasted a long time, and held much that was good. If we hadn't had good marriages we wouldn't even be here.

It is good that you husband is getting the help he needs. But real change is hard work, for him and for you to see and accept him as he was, is and may be.

You will know when enough is enough. And it is not when you are thinking these thoughts! If we have to ask we are not there. It is that we want to be, we want the pain to end. Actually only we can stop the pain, or to put it another way, the pain is within us, and stopping it will not depend on what another person does. If it does depend on this, then we are co-dependent.

It took me a very long time to get this. I felt if my xh came back I would be OK. Well maybe I would on one level, but I needed to grow up, and not need to be kissed better by another person. It is the great lie of our age [and others] that our happiness lies in another.

I was very happy in my marriage, and I would give any other relationship 100% but I would not lose myself in it again. i understand why we do - love for our spouses, busy lives [even if we have a career, we can still be 'lost'] a life occupied with family.

Part of our struggle is a process of maturing, which is tough to go through - like you I am not a quitter. Now I can honestly say i would not go back to my old life, happy though it was. i want more, and less. More emotional intimacy, less dependency. I even wonder if the two are enemies . . .

Apologies for the ramble, but your post really touched me.

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#2191562 - 10/08/11 05:57 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: beatrice]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Quote:
It is good that you husband is getting the help he needs. But real change is hard work, for him and for you to see and accept him as he was, is and may be.


I understand Antonia. I am coming to accept many things without much emotion these days.
I still love the man, I still hope that he can do the work necessary to become the fully realized, vital, confident person I know is caged in. I hope that for him, not for me.

I sense his potential.

Even now,he is a decent and very kind man even in his MLC.
He is not a spewer, he is not vindictive,he is not inflexible.

I just hope he doesn't give up on himself.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2191650 - 10/09/11 04:32 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Sorry I meant to respond to you Beatrice. Don't know why I called you Antonia ;-).
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2191658 - 10/09/11 07:14 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
beatrice Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/10
Posts: 2142
Not a problem - I do it too - in any case it is flattering to be mistaken for Antonia!

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#2191720 - 10/09/11 09:38 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: beatrice]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Journaling

It's Thanksgiving weekend in Canada. It's grey, windy and wet.

I'm alone today and tomorrow. That's ok, I have stuff to do.
I had TG dinner yesterday evening with a good friend who's been my main support throughout these last couple years.
I miss my sons, (they're with STBX this weekend), my STBX and our loud extended family at the dinner table though.

I'm really trying to see the upside of this, do my own thing and keep myself busy and distracted. Honestly, it just feels like more loss, more change I have to cope with and plaster over with a phony smile, and being with others just makes that feeling more acute.

I have not talked to my kids, I have not phoned my STBX's home to do so. I don't want to. I feel like I'm intruding and given STBX's words, I'm more in doubt than ever that there is anything to salvage. His antipathy to me is more and more evident. My very presence hurts him.

If he had been a spewer, taken up with OW, or done some of the absolutely horrible things to me that have been done to others on this board, it may have been easier for me to abandon hope, and to walk away with my self esteem intact, and my action justified.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2191724 - 10/09/11 10:00 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
beatrice Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/10
Posts: 2142
Originally Posted By: Queen_of_Swords
Journaling

His antipathy to me is more and more evident. My very presence hurts him.

If he had been a spewer, taken up with OW, or done some of the absolutely horrible things to me that have been done to others on this board, it may have been easier for me to abandon hope, and to walk away with my self esteem intact, and my action justified.





I am sorry you are feeling horrible. Two years feels like a long itme, but it isn't in terms of emotional healing after a long relationship, and things get better. As to your quote above: having had a spewer + OW combination I am not sure that this helps us to abandon hope and walk away.

Your h's actions towards you are just as abusive as those of other MLCers. They are cruel selfish and hurtful. And unnecessary. No one 'has' to behave like this.

Hugs

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#2191835 - 10/10/11 06:47 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: beatrice]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
I'm disengaging.
It takes energy from me to extend myself out to STBX.
I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him. There is absolutely no point.
He texted this morning. I kept my response brief and did not encourage more by asking any questions.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

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#2191934 - 10/11/11 02:19 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1400
Q of S, do you feel more "at peace" with less contact? Just wondering. I know that I do, although our sitches are very different.

I guess my feeling is that if you do, you should be ok with your "disengaging". It's a form of self-protection.

So on this topic:

"I'm really trying to see the upside of this, do my own thing and keep myself busy and distracted. Honestly, it just feels like more loss, more change I have to cope with and plaster over with a phony smile, and being with others just makes that feeling more acute."

I get that, because I think for the first 8 months or so I felt like I had to be an actress around people and plaster on the smile...I don't feel that way anymore...I'm pretty happy in general.

I wanted to know what kind of things you were doing to distract yourself, what are you doing for you and you alone?

The more I started to get out and do new things or find new interests, I felt a lot less lonely.

It's hard to start that sort of thing...but it's funny, once I did one thing "outside my comfort zone", it became easier to do it frequently...and as a result I've met a lot of new people. Not romantic interests, but just people who never knew me as a "wife" and who know me only as an individual and who really like me for who I am. The more that happens, the more I feel ok and not lonely.
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2191952 - 10/11/11 04:13 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
More at peace, no not really. Resigned is more the word.
I just realize that anything I could say is like shouting in a hurricane and has the same effect. Pointless. So why say anything?

As far as distracting, let's just say, with work, home and kids , I GAL as much as I can.

I plan outings with a g/f, I participate in sports in the evening when extra curricular activities with the kids don't get in the way. I meditate. I still go out for "dates" when I can.

I make appointments for massages for myself, pedicures, good haircut.
I'm into extreme self care that way.

I'm indulging my love for nice lingerie and shoes. I've upgraded and continue to add nice clothes to my wardrobe, which I must say, before STBX left was pretty minimal.
I've made a bucket list with relatively easily achievable goals on it ( need to save the bucks, but they are doable.)

I fill any other empty time with personal study.

Still at the end of the day I feel alone most.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2191958 - 10/11/11 04:27 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1400
Wow, I think your GAL activities are terrific. It sounds like you're doing a lot to take care of yourself (and I know, money is always a factor on some of these things).

I wonder if the loneliness comes from his being still in your life...like for me, XH is gone...so I'm not reminded by seeing him, or speaking to him, of the "loss." So it's easier for me to detach. But in your case, even though he's unresponsive, he's still "around."

This must be terribly hard to navigate. Do you see any counselor/therapist? I feel like I have no advice for you since my XH bailed and we were cut off so fast, that I didn't have this to deal with. I had his total absence to deal with, which was tough. But I almost feel like this must be tougher.
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2191971 - 10/11/11 05:19 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
I have a DB counselor and one I see for the program I'm doing.
If I'm desperate I call the one that I think will help me sort through things best.

Yes, it is really tough to see someone you love and care about, and know they can't care back and choose not to love you back, yet you have to negotiate with them on behalf of the kids and sort through that.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2191973 - 10/11/11 06:44 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
beatrice Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/10
Posts: 2142
Being on your own is tough - whether you are with an emotionally unavailable person, or on your own with kids - or just on your own.

Eventually it becomes a blessing. I can't say when, and I used to get irritated with people who told me that, and think 'Not for me' but at some point I started to positively enjoy the time alone, last thing at night and first thing in the morning. Now I am not at all sure I would want anyone intruding into this peace. A friend of mine who had been on her own a long time told me about this, and I thought at the time she was crazy!

I no longer have to make the best of it. Hang in there, it will happen because you are doing everything you can to make it happen. The struggling through becomes effortless, llike a fitness training program. Remember when you started running or swimming seriously, how hard it is at first, and how it becomes effortless, and finally enjoyable. Well it is like this for me, except it took a lot longer!

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#2192369 - 10/13/11 03:32 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: beatrice]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Nothing new to report.
STBX picked up the kids. I got home from a very long day at work, after he and the kids had left.
Spent a quiet evening at home.
He unloaded about his troubles at work and certain challenges he was dealing with.
I merely told him I had a long day.
What's there to say? It's not like he gives a damn.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2194004 - 10/21/11 01:14 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Been a week since this last entry.
Nothing much to report.
I feel less and less as time moves along.
I'm happy with that big master bedroom to myself, I thought to myself tonight.
I feel less and less as time moves along. I still love the guy, but it's more in the way you once loved a favorite uncle.
If he decides to finally get the show on the road and D me, I won't be devastated. I'm not even sure I want to be friends with him anymore. I don't know quite how to explain why this is or exactly what I'm feeling toward him besides a "fare thee well" sort of affection.
I don't even understand why I was so torn up when he left anymore. I understand intellectually it was all about old wounds and abandonment issues that arouse in my childhood, but it's not like I was getting what I needed from him. Heck the kids weren't/aren't getting what they needed either.

I think if he tried to hug me now, I'd be a bit uncomfortable.
Is this what detachment looks like?
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2194005 - 10/21/11 01:23 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1400
Well, detachment or a wall you've put up, or a combo of both, I guess. My doctor always defined detachment as a feeling of neutrality, no ups or downs, no plusses or minuses, just a state of being.

If one was to feel uncomfortable if another embraced her, then that would still show attachment based on at least her definition, as you should feel "nothing" if you are neutral. If you had the attachment but felt uncomfortable, then I'd say it's more a wall of self-protection you're erecting to protect yourself emotionally, and there is nothing wrong with that as far as I'm concerned. As long as you don't erect walls with other people, there is probably a point where it's necesssary to have them with those who hurt us most.
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2194008 - 10/21/11 01:38 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Maybe it is a wall. But then I'm not exactly comfortable with strangers hugging me, and now he's a stranger to me.
<shrug>
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2194205 - 10/22/11 02:20 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
So, I had a meeting this afternoon with my child's teachers and counselor. Kid is struggling. STBX knew the time and place of the meeting and said he would try to make it. STBX did not show. I am not really upset, just disappointed that again the load rests on me. Yes, I have broad shoulders, am strong and will do everything in my power to advocate for my child. Just sad STBX continues to dodge the opportunities to earn respect in his own and his son's eyes.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2195717 - 10/30/11 07:15 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
seeking answers Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/10
Posts: 2588
QoS,

Alt = popular social networking site.

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#2195720 - 10/30/11 07:21 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: seeking answers]
warriorshadow Offline
Member

Registered: 05/11/10
Posts: 295
Q,

Cadet would tell you if he could but that would violate the

agreement that is made when you subscribe to this site.

WS

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#2195721 - 10/30/11 07:23 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: warriorshadow]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
I know that too, thanks.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2195728 - 10/30/11 07:33 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
seeking answers Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/10
Posts: 2588
How about the most popular. You hear about it all the time. Prospective employers, even colleges look at it sometimes to evaluate prospects. You post pictures, personal info, connect with old friends, aquaintances, etc.

Founder's initials are MZ

Does that help any?

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#2195733 - 10/30/11 07:39 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: seeking answers]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Thank you, it gives me a place to start. I appreciate the clues.
:-*
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2195735 - 10/30/11 07:46 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5265
This is not really a clue but you will struggle to find any of us that have been posting to you today.
_________________________
Me-60, D28,S27

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#2195743 - 10/30/11 08:02 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Cadet]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Heck I can't even find a listing on the alt!
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2195744 - 10/30/11 08:05 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
seeking answers Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/10
Posts: 2588
They made a movie not too long ago about the founder. He's a very rich young man now.

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#2195746 - 10/30/11 08:06 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: seeking answers]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Yes, I get where the alt is. Now I'm looking for specifics ;-).
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2195747 - 10/30/11 08:12 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
seeking answers Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/10
Posts: 2588
Put in 'Divorce Busting' into your search engine?

Top
#2195749 - 10/30/11 08:15 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: seeking answers]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Did that too, and Divorce Recovery, and Michelle Weiner Davis.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2195750 - 10/30/11 08:18 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
seeking answers Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/10
Posts: 2588
How about 'Friend's of Divorce Busting'?

Top
#2195754 - 10/30/11 08:24 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: seeking answers]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
I think I got it with "Divorce Busters". Thanks S.A. If so, I also sent them to you there.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2195755 - 10/30/11 08:26 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
seeking answers Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/10
Posts: 2588
You're welcome. Sorry to have to be so cryptic. wink

Top
#2195756 - 10/30/11 08:28 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: seeking answers]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
S'ok. I understand there are restrictions to what we can give out.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2195824 - 10/31/11 06:11 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
You know, sometimes people don't have much creativity on the names they use in other networks...

jes' sayin...

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#2196242 - 11/02/11 01:18 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: ~ kd ~]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
LOL thanks for that. I just hope it's the right face and place in cyberspace!
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2196251 - 11/02/11 02:14 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5265
Originally Posted By: Queen_of_Swords
LOL thanks for that. I just hope it's the right face and place in cyberspace!


I could be wrong but you might have a message and a connection.
_________________________
Me-60, D28,S27

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#2196379 - 11/02/11 07:08 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Interesting interaction with STBX over the last couple days.

One not so great last night, but I did get to air out a couple of feelings I have had about the way we do interact and share my POV about it. He shared his, and I got to do a lot of validating...even told him at one point he was absolutely right. It didn't end on a "good" note, we just ran out of things to say, so I said exactly that, and said goodnight.
Today being beginning of the months I checked banked balances and got a shock.
So, I texted STBX about it in a non accusatory way, about the situation.
He surprised me. He ran back to his home and faxed me the bank statements, and we went over them with me line by line over the phone and in fact, he gave up his lunch hour for this.

I texted him and thanked him for being sensitive to my concern and that his going home to fax me was kind and thoughtful and beyond what was necessary. That I did not expect him to have given his lunch up for that but that I was grateful.

He gave a joking response that he had a 'chip' for lunch.
I responded by saying that I'd feed him. Perhaps dinner on Sunday?
He countered with brunch on Sunday. I said that would be nice.
I said, " My treat?" He responded, " No, mine." I asked if he was sure ( I know he's skinned for $$ as am I). He said yes he was.
I texted back, " I gratefully accept your kind invitation sir, with a smiley face.
He Lol'ed.


So.......... a little light in the gloom.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2196946 - 11/05/11 04:43 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1400
Well I must say, that the entire interaction above seems to have gone well. I am proud that you were able to be complimentary of things he did "right", and this is really good DBing...

Looking forward to seeing what transpires with this!
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

Top
#2197352 - 11/07/11 06:16 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Well I worked the weekend.
Brunch did not happen but an early dinner Sunday evening did.
Little bit of miscommunication though.
STBX neglected to tell me where we were meeting, or that we were meeting at a specific restaurant.
So I was ready at the appointed time, and got a text, "We're here."
I texted back, " Oh? I was supposed to meet you? Where exactly is here?" He texted back and I replied, " I'll be there shortly."

I arrived and he and the kids were seated. Surprisingly he left an open spot beside him for me. Ordinarily he has one of the kids beside him and I sit across. He even ordered tea for me and poured a cup as soon as I sat. We ordered dinner and I got something I am allergic to by accident, and he ordered a replacement as soon as it was realized which I found thoughtful and generous.

It was a pleasant dinner, in spite that STBX announced he had a headache as did the youngest child.
He did not respond at all to casual touch. He avoided touching me, which given the proximity of our sitting together I thought a little strange.
He didn't offer to hold my jacket so I could slip it on, not a big issue, but I noticed its absence.

He mentioned he cannot wait for classes to resume in the program he (same one I am taking just a different level) has chosen to take to address his emotional issues. I am happy he is doing this for his own sake, no matter what the end result will be.

I offered to buy dip cones at Dairy Queen for dessert, but STBX whipped out the cash before I even had a chance to open my wallet.

He hugged the kids goodbye in the parking lot, made no attempt with me. Just waved and said goodnight.
I thanked him for dinner and said goodnight as well and took the kids home.


Friday I had a appointment with my DB coach.
I told him how things were going.
I told him how I'm feeling about the lack of intimacy, sex, and touch and how I've pretty much exhausted the alternative ways I can to take care of of me and my needs.

He said I have to do two things:

1) Slap my own oxygen mask on before I can be available to anyone else. To go back to my bucket list and find what will energize me a bit longer if I intend to stick this situation with STBX out, and not allow him to determine which way I will jump anymore.
(I realized when counselor said this I was letting myself be a victim again, in allowing STBX's words and actions to determine my course)

2) If I don't intend to stick this out any longer, then when I am ready simply ask STBX if he would rather I wait until the divorce is final to seek out a new love relationship, or if it he would find it disrespectful if I did that now.

Counselor is heartened by STBX's decision to do the program and sees that as a positive, but also sees that STBX thinks he still has me on a string.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2198080 - 11/10/11 06:47 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
I think I've finally detached, or I've given up. I'm not sure which it is.
It really doesn't matter anymore to me what STBX does or does not do.
I am so dispassionate when speaking to him these days, it's like I'm talking about someone else's life or the topic could about the last book I read ( Outliers if you're interested wink )

I've made so many changes in myself, that I even end up thanking people for legitimate criticism! This before it would have stressed and upset me badly,occupied my thoughts going over and over what I could have done differently, kicking myself continually and affected my ability to sleep later as my mind would be whirling.

I had a brief discussion with STBX Tuesday. In it I elected to ask STBX if he would rather I wait until the divorce is final to seek out a new love relationship, or if it he would find it disrespectful if I did that now. That I'm ready to get the D rolling.

He was literally struck dumb by this. He was silent a long time, while I waited for any response. After about 3-5 minutes he said, " I don't know what to say." I said, you don't have to say anything, just change your behaviour, or don't. I proceeded to tell him how certain behaviours of his have affected me, how I felt and that it wasn't his fault for triggering them, but nonetheless I felt pain and deep sadness. That I no longer believed we had anything left together besides the kids, and I wasn't even certain anymore that I could be friends with him.

Again he was silent for a long, long time.

He opened up about how sometimes being with me just triggered this "gotta go, gotta leave now" feeling in him and how he didn't understand why that was. About how excited/hesitant/scared he is to start the program. How he knows now this is something he must do for himself.

We talked a bit more, mostly me praising and affirming his decisions and empathizing with his feelings, and listening silently but attentively.
We said goodnight and that was it.

Now last night he came to pick up the kids for his regular visit, and when he left, he hugged the kids as he usually does and I stood off to the side waiting to shut and lock the door after him. He let go of the kids and held his arms wide open to hug me.

Things that make you go Hmmmmmmmm.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2198488 - 11/13/11 02:11 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Journaling -
Really cranky and easily frustrated today.had a lot of fix it jobs housework, and paperwork to do. Realized I need to make a new will so my kids are cared for and my family isn't left out of consideration. Also realised with that ,that any Will I can make could be challenged, and I no longer know who to trust with being my power of attorney or agent if I become incapacitated. Sobering.
I should be feeling empowered by all I am accomplishing,but all I feel is overwhelmed, lost amd uncertain.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2198642 - 11/14/11 02:25 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Journaling -
Today I had planned to take the kids to the Puss'n'Boots movie.
I told them if they liked, they could ask their Dad to join us.
He met us at the movie theatre, he wanted to pay, I declined his offer and paid for us all. He did buy snacks for us and he and I shared his bladder buster of a Coca Cola. ( This is unusual)
The movie was enjoyable, and I shared my M & M's with him.
He held my hand.
After the movie, he hugged the boys goodbye, and me as well ( he is trying :-) )
When I got home I discovered he texted me just to tell me that someone had dumped something on the hood of his car and he was washing this off. ( Hmmm, maintaining contact?)
I commiserated, then wished him a pleasant rest of the day,and thanked him for holding my hand and the hug. He responded with a smiley face.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

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#2198676 - 11/14/11 08:20 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
seeking answers Offline
Member

Registered: 01/23/10
Posts: 2588
QoS,

It sounds like there's been a lot of positives lately in your sitch as far as your H taking baby steps. How do you feel about it?

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#2198954 - 11/15/11 01:50 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: seeking answers]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
How do I feel? Conflicted.
I am gratified by the positive steps taken.
However, I also feel if he decides to return or not, it won't matter one way or the other.
It's strange to be so disinvested in either outcome.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2198973 - 11/15/11 03:20 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
punkin Offline
Member

Registered: 05/21/10
Posts: 1969
Loc: Arkansas
Disinvested. I like that. I lloonngg to be disinvested. May I borrow that?

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#2199157 - 11/15/11 10:32 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: punkin]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
You may certainly borrow that term if you like. LOL. If it works for you steal it!
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2199312 - 11/16/11 05:35 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Journaling -

Thoughts and feelings of late.

Feeling a bit of anxiety today and the need to take action.
I think it's time to get D papers drawn up. I have this urge to make an appointment in the New Year with my L to just start this already.

Am I impatient?
I do not know. Perhaps, but after two years of this perhaps not.
Am I ready to live my life as a free agent, and find love with someone else seeing that STBX is still so distant, hesitant and silent? That he's really not part of my life in any material way? He makes little to no effort to reach out to me. I find I am becoming short with him on the phone, when he calls the kids.

" Oh , hi, how are you....fine, fine. Here is your eldest, goodnight, pleasant dreams."

I do love him, but now it's the love you have for someone you might see at a family reunion once every five years.
You enjoy their company, you remember the fun times, you wish them the best and will be there when they need a shoulder to cry on, but the rest of the time, they're not physically there for you and you're not involved in their day to day life or drama, unless someone died.

I am turning into the WAW, now. I have no wish to contact STBX,on anything. He left me to deal with the wreckage of our lives that he left behind and I am doing that with much support from people here, friends and my family.

I do not want his help, I want nothing personally from him anymore besides what is in my kids' best interests.

His behaviour makes it clear to me, that what I and the kids need/want isn't even on his event horizon.
I'm just the caretaker to our kids when he doesn't have them on his visitation schedule, and he's not very interested in them either beyond hanging out.
I've had to deal with the fallout and the teacher meetings, counsellors and behavioural issues alone.

So be it.

If he wants me he knows where to find me, and he's not seeking me out. I know/feel for me to do/say anything beyond what's been said and done is redundant and is a waste of my energy and time.

Like teaching a pig to sing, it only frustrates you and annoys the pig.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2199445 - 11/17/11 03:13 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1400
I'm just going to comment on this part:

"Feeling a bit of anxiety today and the need to take action"

If you make the move to get the papers drawn up and this alleviates some anxiety, then I think you know that you're acting in accordance with your own needs. If this does NOT alleviate your anxiety at all, then don't regret what you've done, but start to explore other ways to help the anxiety.

I guess what I'm saying is that accd. to my book on detachment, "there are no mistakes. EVER."

If this is the way you're really starting to feel, you have to be true to yourself and not be held to any timelines. 2 years is a LONG time, and what's really telling is the way you describe your feelings for him a few paragraphs down. You're sounding detached (with love for the past relationship/person only) and that's probably why you feel the need to "move."
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2199548 - 11/17/11 03:59 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Thanks for your response and validation Antonia. I appreciate your input and wisdom.

Yes my feelings are strong, but I can sit on them and not let them drive my decision making.

I'm still ruminating on the full implications of follow through on getting the D together and done.

Evaluating if I can handle one more ball in the air in regard to stress, money and time. How to tell the kids should my decision be to D and not stand anymore.
If those little glimmers of positivity I see in STBX's behaviour are true sunlight or a false dawn, or too little too late.

I am not who I was, I am better than I was and I'm still growing/changing and maybe now STBX is just too far behind me to ever catch up. If he did catch up, would we have anything beyond our children in common or a foundation to work with anymore?

Retrouvaille compares a broken marriage to a house that's been devastated by a hurricane that must be rebuilt from the walls out in.
The key to that comparison is that the foundation remains.

In my case the foundation to my beliefs and assumptions of what was truth/false about my very self, and life, let alone about our marriage was/is ripped apart and examined.

For example, I still don't really know if our children exist because STBX wanted them or if he just went along with what I wanted. Did he just marry me because it was the expected thing to do? How much of our "happy" marriage was about him going along to get along, avoiding conflict,trying to make me happy and in the end starving his own soul?

The foundation of my self and my life was not built of poured concrete but cinder-blocks labelled with those beliefs/truths and lies, and some are still lying scattered about, the foundation not entirely whole anymore.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

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#2199551 - 11/17/11 04:20 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1400
You hit the nail on the head with the stuff about the foundation above...I feel the same way. EVEN IF XH were away from OW, and EVEN IF I sort of "slowed down to allow him time to catch up", I don't know that our foundation would be strong enough and I feel like that's what you're saying too.

I was reading an article today about broad-based compatibility and how so many marriages think they are compatible because the couples do have a lot in common, but that broadly they do not, and this made me think of me and XH...because if I go all the way back to the beginning, his view in life has always been that a job is something you "have" to do to make enough money so that you can get to the real business of living which is enjoying time off. He's always had this adversarial relationship with any kind of responsibility, like it takes time from just hanging out or playing. Dont' get me wrong, he works hard. He's not lazy at all, or he wasn't before, now I think he is in many ways. But he resented anything that wasn't "playtime." This was just never me. In my time off I was always making things, with my hands, or reading, learning things, or writing, professional development, which I made no money for but did it because it made me feel good, made me smarter. He played video games or fished or wanted to go out with our friends and drink from 9pm to 2-3am on a weekend.

Perpetual college student. I feel like all his "responsible" stuff like taking care of a house and yard and such was coming from him doing what I wanted him to do/what I took to be "what you do when you grow up." He never wants to grow up.

I just think this is a foundational problem that isn't going to be resolved. The guy has Peter Pan Syndrome, if it exists. I am no longer even attracted to that type.

Is this what you mean about your XH, that you have now grown enough and looked at yourself enough to know that you no longer want what he seems to want (or seemed to long before the problems)? I guess this is what they mean by the LBS becoming the WAS.

I like being a grownup and my XH has always fought tooth and nail against becoming one...that's a pretty big foundational difference.
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2199566 - 11/17/11 05:10 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Quote:
Is this what you mean about your XH, that you have now grown enough and looked at yourself enough to know that you no longer want what he seems to want (or seemed to long before the problems)? I guess this is what they mean by the LBS becoming the WAS.


Antonia, in my STBX's case I truly think he does not KNOW what he wants. He doesn't know how a grown up emotionally mature man behaves ( he's never had a good model of that). He is so blocked off from his own feelings and repressed his anger to the point where all he can feel is fear, frustration and the urge to run.

He knows what he "should" want. He knows how he "should" feel. He knows how he "should" behave.
His whole life has been about avoiding someone's wrath, disapproval,non-acceptance and emotional pain. Putting on a smiling face of affability, with the smile never quite reaching his eyes.
Honestly, he doesn't know his own core self.

Antonia, I guess I'm not sure he has the courage within to face his core and find his authentic self. I just know it's awesome, I've caught glimpses of that truly wonderful human being under the facade.
I've been forced by circumstances to look into that dark crawlspace of self and seen all the false faces I've worn and the roles I've played and I have now chosen my authentic face to wear all the time. The masques are burned. Can he do the same, is the willingness to work and go through that pain there?

If he does not seek out his true core self, his foundation will continue to be built on lies about himself and life.

Our house can not stand with those broken blocks in our foundation.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2200655 - 11/22/11 11:48 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Journaling

I'm finding it difficult to journal, I seem go around in circles. For every little spark of progress, there appears to be something that always snuffs it out.
I'm tired of the constant rejection from my former prince charming. I feel devalued.


I'm very internally conflicted and uncertain.
I am cynical about my chances for my R with the father of my children.
Two years, four months separated now. Christmas holidays to come and then my 50th birthday.

I've lost patience and I have only a shred of hope I sometimes wish would vanish so I would have no qualms and be absolutely certain within myself that the man who once was fully my husband is not worth my time/energy to stand for, and I can D with a clear conscience knowing I've done everything within my power to change the situation, my behaviour and attitude.

His presence often gives me the unusual and conflicting desire of being glad to see him and yet never wanting to see him again.
I know he is a wonderful human being, I know he's got issues he has to resolve on his own, but time keeps on flowing.

I am alone in a marriage that exists only on paper, to a man that hasn't the capacity or desire to be married or love me, not now and probably(?) not ever again.

I am responsible for the same stuff and even more that I was when living with him. I am a wife in name only and I hate it.
I meant my vows, but not to the point of self abuse and martyrdom. I love myself enough not to do that.

So what's left for me to "stand" for?
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

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#2200671 - 11/23/11 03:06 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1400
Well, there is a tremendous amount to "stand" for in terms of standing for yourself and yourself alone. It has taken me a LONG time to realize (and still I fight this in myself) that "I" am more important in the scheme of my life than "my marriage". With that said, my marriage is over. XH is living 45 min. away. With OW. I'm single, and learning how to like being single.

I honestly don't know how you're doing this, day in and day out. I think that if you see your "feelings" about marriage vs. your feelings about you as this continuum, your feelings of self-protection or your need to care for "you" have gone beyond 50%, so to speak, where for some time you probably sacrificed yourself if your feelings for the marriage or trying to wait til your H got it together were 50% or more.

I'm not about to tell anyone to walk away (or to stay!) It's a personal choice. But you sound like you are trying to convince yourself it's "time" (maybe I'm wrong?) and you know, it's OK if you have decided that. I feel like you sound like you need SOME bit of change in your life...maybe walking away is the change. Maybe even "solidifying" the "promise" that you're walking away is the first step. I mean, you can change your mind if necessary, right?
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2200672 - 11/23/11 03:06 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
Hi Queen-

I'm sorry for how things are right now and for the hurt that you've had to endure. No matter what you decide, a re-look at the past isn't as 'honest' as it was when you went through it. What you felt and gave your heart to, the love you have and had, it is real, it is life. The children, lives you created and raised from that love are tremendous. The heart that is in you and the person you are, is all--for half your life at least--created by that.

As you said--change is inevitable...and it's constant. Miracles happen all the time, so I'm praying for your miracle, whatever it is, this season. It's time. You're due.

You do a wonderful job here on the board. You make a difference.

sg wink
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#2200963 - 11/24/11 12:57 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: sgctxok]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 839
Loc: West Coast
Hi Queen and Antonia,
I just wanted to comment that I feel so validated and so NO LONGER ALONE when I've read on your posts through different threads. Queen, I read your first post, and wow.... if that didn't sum up my sitch with stbx! I have alot of similarities with ETB too.

I find it interesting. All us LBS's here truly are amazing women. Before the MLC, and the after math of MLC.

To me it seems that our WAS/MLCers really felt inferior to us. It was NEVER of our intention to make them feel this way. This is why they were probably drawn to us in the first place. For instance Queen and myself, we're both take action kind of women. Where as stbx's were very non confrontational, and severely struggled in atriculating their strong emotions in a healthy way, and passive. So, why not take up with some women that can do it for them? Yet at the same time, resentment sets in that we do that.

UGH! Never any simple solutions!

At any rate I just wanted to thank you for sharing. It feels so good to be validated and know Im NOT CRAZY and other people are going through the same thing.

Happy Turkey Day!

Kimmerz.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2201221 - 11/26/11 12:47 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Kimmerz]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Antonia wrote : I'm not about to tell anyone to walk away (or to stay!) It's a personal choice. But you sound like you are trying to convince yourself it's "time" (maybe I'm wrong?) and you know, it's OK if you have decided that. I feel like you sound like you need SOME bit of change in your life...maybe walking away is the change. Maybe even "solidifying" the "promise" that you're walking away is the first step. I mean, you can change your mind if necessary, right?

Yes Antonia that's a completely accurate assessment of where I am at. I am trying to decide if it is time to walk away.
I had a talk with him the other night and basically laid it all out. That I am not content with being a wife in name only, that I want a full partner and someone to help me raise our kids, that I never signed up for single motherhood and all that goes with it, and that I am ready to start divorce proceedings.

I have a great deal of empathy for his "fog" which amounts to traumatic freeze behavior, emotional numbness and an almost total inability to make even the smallest decision ( he told me he can't even make suggestions or decisions of where to go for lunch with co-workers, he just goes with whatever someone else suggests :-( ) I recognize he's in a lot of psychological pain, but then who in my my personal nuclear family isn't in pain right now?


sgctxox said: I'm sorry for how things are right now and for the hurt that you've had to endure. No matter what you decide, a re-look at the past isn't as 'honest' as it was when you went through it. What you felt and gave your heart to, the love you have and had, it is real, it is life. The children, lives you created and raised from that love are tremendous. The heart that is in you and the person you are, is all--for half your life at least--created by that.

As you said--change is inevitable...and it's constant. Miracles happen all the time, so I'm praying for your miracle, whatever it is, this season. It's time. You're due.

You do a wonderful job here on the board. You make a difference.


Thank you for the kind words of affirmation and support. I needed to hear that. I certainly hope your wish for a miracle for me comes through. My wisher seems to be broken at the moment. (insert wry smile here)

I don't believe there is anything more for me to do to change things between STBX and me.

I can choose to give things yet more time...but how much time and is that fair to myself? To keep living in a limbo and again deny my own needs in favour of someone else? MLC seems to last about 7 years or so, and I'm only in year 2. I don't know that I have that kind of stamina seeing I'm already ready to walk.

I can choose to divorce him and take a huge financial hit, live in poverty because of it with my kids, but be free to seek a new partner.

Of course there is the infidelity route.

No easy choices here, none of them good.

I still have four counseling sessions with a DB coach...and I'm not even sure I have anything worth discussing anymore.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

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#2201271 - 11/26/11 02:46 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1400
You said this:

"I had a talk with him the other night and basically laid it all out. That I am not content with being a wife in name only, that I want a full partner and someone to help me raise our kids, that I never signed up for single motherhood and all that goes with it, and that I am ready to start divorce proceedings."

and this:

"Of course there is the infidelity route."

I'm just curious how these two things reconcile. On the first comment, it sounds like what you've told him, what is "in your heart", is that you are not wanting to be a single parent and that you want to be "free" to seek a new partner to be with for your own needs and to help you co-parent, and that you've already been waiting on him to get things together for 2 years and, understanding MLC, you're not going to sit around for several more years waiting when you know that there's no proof things will ever get better.

On the second comment, it sounds like you just want an affair because your needs aren't being met. I mean, I doubt if you started seeing a guy while you were still married/living with your H, that the new guy would help you co-parent, right?

The "infidelity route" as you say almost sounds as if you are contemplating putting yourself out there to see someone else as if that might give you the stamina to stick it out longer with your H--like, if you were getting SOME of your needs met, you might wait longer before filing? (But I don't want to put words in your mouth).

I guess the step that seems to be missing (to me) is the visualization of a time "in between." Could you go with separation first? Is it possible for you to separate and you aren't looking to have another man in your life but just to lower the stress level of living with an emotional WAS, or is that just not a possibility in your sitch?
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2201275 - 11/26/11 04:00 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5265
Originally Posted By: Queen_of_Swords

I don't believe there is anything more for me to do to change things between STBX and me.


There was never anything for you to DO to stop HIS MLC.

It after all was HIS crisis, you were the innocent bystander.

So the choices that it kicks off can become our choices.

We do have choices, and the only one that can make them is US.

Our MLC'er may not be happy with OUR choices, but then again we were not happy with their choices.
The thing is that you want to be absolutely sure that you are happy with YOUR choices, because some of them send you down a path that might be very rocky and steep.

Remember when we make changes we make them for US.
Not for any other reason!
_________________________
Me-60, D28,S27

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#2201282 - 11/26/11 04:30 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada

Hi Antonia,

Quote:
I'm just curious how these two things reconcile.

Were I to leave things as they are now and not change anything, take up with another while still legally married to my spouse, many would consider that infidelity in spite of the circumstances.

That's all I'm saying.



Quote:
I guess the step that seems to be missing (to me) is the visualization of a time "in between." Could you go with separation first? Is it possible for you to separate and you aren't looking to have another man in your life but just to lower the stress level of living with an emotional WAS, or is that just not a possibility in your sitch?


Antonia we do not live together and have not for two years. There is no "legal" separation or one that needs to happen. As far as the law is concerned that step at this point is moot.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2201283 - 11/26/11 04:31 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Cadet]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
You're correct Cadet.

Thanks for the reminder.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2201299 - 11/26/11 05:37 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1400
Oh I must have confused your sitch with someone else's...sorry about that. I was somehow thinking you still lived together. I get it now...you've already done the separation. Everything I had questions about makes sense now. I see why you're moving in the direction you are then.

I think the way you laid it out to him was pretty clear, and it showed a lot of courage on your part to be honest and stand up for yourself. You know a lot of people here do say that when you just keep going and going and nothing seems to ever change, that the LBS becomes the WAS. I almost think it's an inevitable part of the process. You're right. There are no easy choices at all. You just have to be true to yourself. (((HUGS)))
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2203058 - 12/04/11 04:54 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
A week since my last post.
Nothing much has changed. Still the same routine with STBX.
The kids and I are busy with Christmas preparations and stuff.
If I don't get back on the forum before Christmas, I wish you all a joyous and peaceful one and a Happy and Prosperous New Year.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2209633 - 01/02/12 12:02 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
A warm wind seems to blowing into my life. I'll let you know if it's the first sign of spring or El Nino.
For now things are if not great, calm and somewhat normal.
I restart my program this week, work is going well and kids' school reports are favorable.
I hope your Christmas was everything you wanted, and I hope the coming year is everything you hope for.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

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#2216356 - 01/27/12 04:45 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Not a lot to update. My 50th birthday came and went. Kept it low key and a minor event. Anniversary #3 without STBX approaching fast.
Still working, still staying the course, still studying. Thinking about a new career or training I can do.

I have a lawyer, if STBX decides to get the D train rolling.
We have had a couple of interactions over the Christmas season.
It's been polite, and distantly friendly. He's hugged me a couple times.
I'm kind, pleasant and rather quiet for the most part. I'm the one keeping it superficial now , listening more than talking.
I do not talk about R anymore with anyone in my meat space life.

Met a few people, they've made me realize how little I really asked for out of a relationship, and all they did was make the effort to make some time for me.
A very bittersweet thing to come to grips with. I'm worth so much more than what I got out of my marriage with STBX.

Last night I was thinking I need a ritual to close off this part of my life. Bury the past and bury my dead marriage. I'm still thinking about what that would entail for me.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

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#2216395 - 01/27/12 07:10 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
TRUSTING Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/07
Posts: 2549
My aunt was in a similar situation as us. Her therapist at the time told her to dig a hole in her back yard and place a picture of her ex in that hole. She told me the experience was very cathartic and healing. She cried through the process. I have not been able to do that yet.
_________________________
Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness
01/16/11


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#2216447 - 01/27/12 10:21 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: TRUSTING]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
I'm thinking about doing something similar. Having the house blessed. Burning incense, or something else significant. Planting something over something I've buried.
I just have to think about what would have meaning for me. Maybe the thinking about it is enough.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

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#2216580 - 01/28/12 06:49 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
AntoniaB Offline
Member

Registered: 06/11/10
Posts: 1400
I think some rituals are good as far as what you're talking about here...I had a friend come and do a "cleanse" of the house; she had gone to a wiccan store and got sage and burned it, and she walked through every room and said a little prayer. We also had a fire outside and she had me write down things I wanted to banish from the house and things I wanted to bring in to the house, and we read them out loud and burned the list. She isn't actually a wiccan; she's like a mixture of new agey-Christian :-) But we sort of made our own rituals.

I will tell you that as nice as it was to have my friend "cleanse" the house that it didn't "work" to change things entirely. In some ways I think I had her cleanse it prematurely, and my sense of things really shifting came later. But I don't regret that she did it. As far as I'm concerned, I regularly light incense or candles in my house and pray, or do tarot cards, or whatever, and every time I'm really feeling pulled back into the past I notice I tend to do these sort of rituals again. They calm me, and they make me feel like I'm actively trying to move forward. I think doing them repeatedly makes me feel progress.

There are many things you can do, from the candles to incense to reading little essays out loud, or writing down a list of affirmations, reading them aloud, putting them under your pillow; or conversely, writing a list of things you want to let go of and then burning them after reading them.

I think all of this is really important, whatever you choose, becuase it helps you to concretize what's inside you--if you turn what is inside into a visual memory it will become stronger in your mind. Then you can recall those moments when you are in pain later.
_________________________
M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying

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#2216731 - 01/28/12 07:24 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: AntoniaB]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Quote:
I think all of this is really important, whatever you choose, becuase it helps you to concretize what's inside you--if you turn what is inside into a visual memory it will become stronger in your mind. Then you can recall those moments when you are in pain later


That's a really good point Antonia.
I think I'll hit the shops for some incense and write a eulogy of sorts, and burn it along with a photo of the two of us and maybe a copy of my marriage certificate.

Thanks for that input! Hugs to you and your kitties.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

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#2223049 - 02/17/12 08:34 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
I have nothing really new to report.
I won't bore you with what has happened, it's pretty much irrelevant anyway. Another anniversary has passed, still married, but very alone.
I live, I breathe, I work, I take care of the kids and myself.
He who shall not be named here is as confused, lost, scared and indecisive as ever.Nothing I can do about that.
I take things as they come, and roll with most of it.
My expectations of life and of others are pretty low when it comes to anything these days.
When I have to interact with He who shall not be named, it's matter of fact, unemotional, and brief.
There is nothing left to say to him. I have told him I can no longer play along with him that everything is "ok" between us. It's not, and I can't talk to him in superficial, social chatter anymore.

My love for him has changed. I care for his general well being, wish him health and happiness, but in may ways, what love I had for him has died.
I'm not the same person I was. I now realize I asked for very little out of my marriage and relationship, and that's exactly what I got...little.
I want more than what I had.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

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#2223058 - 02/17/12 08:51 PM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1078
Loc: Hawaii
Hi Queen!

Wow did your last post hit with me. I can feel my love fading for my H. Sadly.

I agree with wanting more than you had.

I was reading the part where it was suggested to write out what you want to let go of then burn it. I will highly suggest to use crayons to write with. It makes a better visual, and then the wax in the crayons really gives it a nice flame!

Burn it in the BBQ or a metal sink. Less chance to burn the house down by accident. I'm just sayin'!
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2233123 - 03/25/12 03:30 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: WenikiTiki]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Update:
Well it's now 30 months since bomb drop.
Nothing new to report really.
I've thrown a few truth darts that have got him thinking, but overall his behavior is much the same. The routine is the same, I'm just a day older, and a day closer to being totally fed up with the whole situation and walking away myself.
I think X is sensing that, and he's texting more lately.
Our MLC'ers have their heads up their derrieres so far they can see their own tonsils!
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2234523 - 03/31/12 05:38 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
Queen_of_Swords Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/10
Posts: 1307
Loc: Canada
Please close this thread.
As this drags on and on, the situation is losing interest. Even to me.
_________________________
BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.

Top
#2234527 - 03/31/12 05:56 AM Re: Approaching the Treeline, Muskeg no longer [Re: Queen_of_Swords]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1078
Loc: Hawaii
Sorry to hear that. I'm still with you on that too. Losing intrest. Planning a whole new future.

Looked out the window today and saw H working on his projects to sell the house so he can be with OW. I wasn't annoyed, just kinda thinking "Whatever...."

You sound like an interesting person. I'm sure you have a fun life started up!
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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