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Originally Posted By: Queen_of_Swords
LOL thanks for that. I just hope it's the right face and place in cyberspace!


I could be wrong but you might have a message and a connection.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Interesting interaction with STBX over the last couple days.

One not so great last night, but I did get to air out a couple of feelings I have had about the way we do interact and share my POV about it. He shared his, and I got to do a lot of validating...even told him at one point he was absolutely right. It didn't end on a "good" note, we just ran out of things to say, so I said exactly that, and said goodnight.
Today being beginning of the months I checked banked balances and got a shock.
So, I texted STBX about it in a non accusatory way, about the situation.
He surprised me. He ran back to his home and faxed me the bank statements, and we went over them with me line by line over the phone and in fact, he gave up his lunch hour for this.

I texted him and thanked him for being sensitive to my concern and that his going home to fax me was kind and thoughtful and beyond what was necessary. That I did not expect him to have given his lunch up for that but that I was grateful.

He gave a joking response that he had a 'chip' for lunch.
I responded by saying that I'd feed him. Perhaps dinner on Sunday?
He countered with brunch on Sunday. I said that would be nice.
I said, " My treat?" He responded, " No, mine." I asked if he was sure ( I know he's skinned for $$ as am I). He said yes he was.
I texted back, " I gratefully accept your kind invitation sir, with a smiley face.
He Lol'ed.


So.......... a little light in the gloom.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
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M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
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Well I must say, that the entire interaction above seems to have gone well. I am proud that you were able to be complimentary of things he did "right", and this is really good DBing...

Looking forward to seeing what transpires with this!


M45
Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11
Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy
"Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
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Well I worked the weekend.
Brunch did not happen but an early dinner Sunday evening did.
Little bit of miscommunication though.
STBX neglected to tell me where we were meeting, or that we were meeting at a specific restaurant.
So I was ready at the appointed time, and got a text, "We're here."
I texted back, " Oh? I was supposed to meet you? Where exactly is here?" He texted back and I replied, " I'll be there shortly."

I arrived and he and the kids were seated. Surprisingly he left an open spot beside him for me. Ordinarily he has one of the kids beside him and I sit across. He even ordered tea for me and poured a cup as soon as I sat. We ordered dinner and I got something I am allergic to by accident, and he ordered a replacement as soon as it was realized which I found thoughtful and generous.

It was a pleasant dinner, in spite that STBX announced he had a headache as did the youngest child.
He did not respond at all to casual touch. He avoided touching me, which given the proximity of our sitting together I thought a little strange.
He didn't offer to hold my jacket so I could slip it on, not a big issue, but I noticed its absence.

He mentioned he cannot wait for classes to resume in the program he (same one I am taking just a different level) has chosen to take to address his emotional issues. I am happy he is doing this for his own sake, no matter what the end result will be.

I offered to buy dip cones at Dairy Queen for dessert, but STBX whipped out the cash before I even had a chance to open my wallet.

He hugged the kids goodbye in the parking lot, made no attempt with me. Just waved and said goodnight.
I thanked him for dinner and said goodnight as well and took the kids home.


Friday I had a appointment with my DB coach.
I told him how things were going.
I told him how I'm feeling about the lack of intimacy, sex, and touch and how I've pretty much exhausted the alternative ways I can to take care of of me and my needs.

He said I have to do two things:

1) Slap my own oxygen mask on before I can be available to anyone else. To go back to my bucket list and find what will energize me a bit longer if I intend to stick this situation with STBX out, and not allow him to determine which way I will jump anymore.
(I realized when counselor said this I was letting myself be a victim again, in allowing STBX's words and actions to determine my course)

2) If I don't intend to stick this out any longer, then when I am ready simply ask STBX if he would rather I wait until the divorce is final to seek out a new love relationship, or if it he would find it disrespectful if I did that now.

Counselor is heartened by STBX's decision to do the program and sees that as a positive, but also sees that STBX thinks he still has me on a string.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
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I think I've finally detached, or I've given up. I'm not sure which it is.
It really doesn't matter anymore to me what STBX does or does not do.
I am so dispassionate when speaking to him these days, it's like I'm talking about someone else's life or the topic could about the last book I read ( Outliers if you're interested wink )

I've made so many changes in myself, that I even end up thanking people for legitimate criticism! This before it would have stressed and upset me badly,occupied my thoughts going over and over what I could have done differently, kicking myself continually and affected my ability to sleep later as my mind would be whirling.

I had a brief discussion with STBX Tuesday. In it I elected to ask STBX if he would rather I wait until the divorce is final to seek out a new love relationship, or if it he would find it disrespectful if I did that now. That I'm ready to get the D rolling.

He was literally struck dumb by this. He was silent a long time, while I waited for any response. After about 3-5 minutes he said, " I don't know what to say." I said, you don't have to say anything, just change your behaviour, or don't. I proceeded to tell him how certain behaviours of his have affected me, how I felt and that it wasn't his fault for triggering them, but nonetheless I felt pain and deep sadness. That I no longer believed we had anything left together besides the kids, and I wasn't even certain anymore that I could be friends with him.

Again he was silent for a long, long time.

He opened up about how sometimes being with me just triggered this "gotta go, gotta leave now" feeling in him and how he didn't understand why that was. About how excited/hesitant/scared he is to start the program. How he knows now this is something he must do for himself.

We talked a bit more, mostly me praising and affirming his decisions and empathizing with his feelings, and listening silently but attentively.
We said goodnight and that was it.

Now last night he came to pick up the kids for his regular visit, and when he left, he hugged the kids as he usually does and I stood off to the side waiting to shut and lock the door after him. He let go of the kids and held his arms wide open to hug me.

Things that make you go Hmmmmmmmm.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
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Journaling -
Really cranky and easily frustrated today.had a lot of fix it jobs housework, and paperwork to do. Realized I need to make a new will so my kids are cared for and my family isn't left out of consideration. Also realised with that ,that any Will I can make could be challenged, and I no longer know who to trust with being my power of attorney or agent if I become incapacitated. Sobering.
I should be feeling empowered by all I am accomplishing,but all I feel is overwhelmed, lost amd uncertain.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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Journaling -
Today I had planned to take the kids to the Puss'n'Boots movie.
I told them if they liked, they could ask their Dad to join us.
He met us at the movie theatre, he wanted to pay, I declined his offer and paid for us all. He did buy snacks for us and he and I shared his bladder buster of a Coca Cola. ( This is unusual)
The movie was enjoyable, and I shared my M & M's with him.
He held my hand.
After the movie, he hugged the boys goodbye, and me as well ( he is trying :-) )
When I got home I discovered he texted me just to tell me that someone had dumped something on the hood of his car and he was washing this off. ( Hmmm, maintaining contact?)
I commiserated, then wished him a pleasant rest of the day,and thanked him for holding my hand and the hug. He responded with a smiley face.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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QoS,

It sounds like there's been a lot of positives lately in your sitch as far as your H taking baby steps. How do you feel about it?

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How do I feel? Conflicted.
I am gratified by the positive steps taken.
However, I also feel if he decides to return or not, it won't matter one way or the other.
It's strange to be so disinvested in either outcome.


BITS
Me-51, WAS-52
Kids 2
M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013
Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice.
Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
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Disinvested. I like that. I lloonngg to be disinvested. May I borrow that?

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