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A Message from Michele
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#2188530 - 09/23/11 06:53 PM He feels guilty about being intimate with me
JAS2000 Offline
New Member

Registered: 09/21/11
Posts: 17
I am not sure if y'all read my other posts. My husband wanted to leave me because he has that cliche "I love you but I am not in love with you" thing going on and is in an EA. He says he loves me but more like a sister. However he is still extremely attracted to me physically and sexually. We are still living together, sleeping together, and generally are happy together except for those two things. We are doing counseling to see if we can work this out.

My H keeps saying he feels guilty touching me or when we are intimate. He says he feels like a pervert because if things do not work out he does not want to feel like he used me or lead me on. The way I look at it is that most relationships start out as just ohysical attraction. I have never seen a guy look at a girl and say "damn I would like to have a deep conversation with her, she looks smart". So I contend that we should be acting on those feelings because we need to build on what we still have. I said it is like we are building a fire. Kindling is the emotional love and newspaper is the sexual attraction. Just because you don't have kindling right now does not mean you can't try to get the fire going using the newpaper. Plus we are married and have normal desires. Better we take care of those needs in our marriage than have one more need that one of us looks outside the marriage to be filled.

Am I totally off on this?

I think some of his guilt may also come from the OW. In my first marriage I was unfaithful. I remember that I often felt guilty about being with my husband because I felt like I was cheating on the OM.


#2190514 - 10/03/11 12:22 PM Re: He feels guilty about being intimate with me [Re: JAS2000]
25yearsmlc Offline

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 13490
Loc: CA- now East coast
I think I answered this on your other thread about your MIL...

see how it makes it easier to stick to one thread? I'm sure at first b/c you are moderated you searched for a way to get your posts seen faster.

So now that they are popping up, I'd choose one thread to post on so people have all the info in one place.

Deciding to sleep with him is an incredibly personal choice.

For MY m, it felt right. However, my h never refused or said he felt guilty or doubtful, etc.

It sounds like you are pursuing him with sex. Please hire a DB counselor

or just pick ONE approach or program and stick with it.

Divorce busting IS DIFFERENT...we'd seen 5 diff counselors over the years who more or less told me that my h was behaving like a single man and not putting his family first.

At the start of htat, I liked hearing it. Sounds good--means I am right and he is wrong...

I was a fool not to realize that the best news a counselor could have given me was what I got HERE...

which is that I NEEDED TO CHANGE...why is that good news?

B/C it meant I was NOT powerless!!

Let us know when you pick one thread to post on and good luck in the meantime...
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
H goes ALASKAN 2006
Piece 7/07
Retrovaille-M Restored 8/08
Groundhog Day
I File D 10/16
DIV Final 2/2018

Embrace the GIFT of Change


Moderator:  Virginia 

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