I also have another post here in the MLC forum, as I'm fairly certain that my wife is going through a MCL
I'm so confused as to what to do. Long story short, my wife realized that she has been doing things for me and not for her. I thought it was what she wanted as she stated it was. Now, she's gone and wants a D. Obviously, I think it's unfair because I'm not even getting a chance to change it....I don't even know exactly what she's referring to. To her, we've talked about it. Of course i can only assume that she feels like i haven't been listening, thus solidifying her decision. If my kid hates broccoli, but tells me she likes it, then suddenly tells me she doesn't, how am i to know. it's an easy fix...find out what she likes, make it and quit giving her broccoli. i don't want things to be "my way" i'm happy with 50/50. I've told her that for years. I am happy with compromise and I can accept things about her that i don't understand. For example, she smokes. she has asked me to help her quit. I have bought books, audio books, videos. I've tried approaching her in an authoritative way, I've tried approaching her in a supportive way, I've even backed off if she asked me to. So I hate the fact that she smokes...so what though. if that is what she likes, then that is something that i am more than happy to live with. just because i don't like it doesn't mean she can't do it. apparently, she has hated me trying to help her. that's fine, I'll back off and never speak of it again. but how can i if she doesn't give me a chance? i really fail to see how divorce is an answer to situations like this. so, then most likely that's not the real issue and there is a different problem and she's not telling me what it is. she says she's been unhappy for years but hasn't been honest with herself about it. that kills me. i never wanted her to be unhappy.
i hear what she is saying...she's not happy because she's not "been herself" and I am the cause of that. in my other posts, I talk about the OW. My wife still says that she is just a good friend. I don't know what to believe. To me, lying down with another woman, basically spooning, is not normal. I can tell you that i have tried to understand this and have basically given her examples of how this could be normal (even though i didn't believe them) just to be supportive.
Here is my biggest question....she obviously does not want to be with me right now, or possibly ever. we have two kids so we sorta have to communicate. She's convinced that my only happiness lies within her...which isn't true...but to her it is. So, if I am going to db and do a 180. Should I have anything to do with her at all, besides the necessities with the children? Do I just move on?
What does she want right now? Do I just basically forget about her existence? I'm trying my best to db, but frankly, the more I read on the forums it just seems to make me feel hopeless. i read the db book and am currently reading the dr book...again, hopeless. I just feel like this is turning into a big mind @!%&. I want her back, but the process is killing me...which i'm willing to deal with, if there's a chance.
Can you give me any advice? I am more than willing to get out of her way. I just want her to be happy. I desperately want to do the right thing for her. Yes, I want her back...i don't have control of that though. I just find this whole thing bizarre and weird. I really don't think she's in her right mind and I don't understand how she cannot love me. That's not me trying to be insulting. She is doing things that she would never do. She's not the same person. This is why a MLC makes sense. Please help me at least understand something...if she wants me out of her life and if it's most likely over...do I just do my best to forget about her? be brutal. i can't keep trying to hold on to hope when most likely there is none. i just feel like i'm torturing myself.
Thanks for your time. Any criticism or advice is appreciated. if you have any questions, please let me know.
I know you are asking Sandi, but couple of things that stand out to me is...
You are way too focused on W. Sounds like you are trying to help "fix" her problems, but you don't mention anything about what you want. What do you want? What makes you happy besides your W's happiness? (besides saving your marriage; that's the reason we all came here)
What's your 180? I hope you understand a true 180 is for you and you only. What can you do for yourself that makes YOU happy? Leave her be and do something for yourself. It sounds selfish, but what we think should work is actually completely wrong.
The best possible thing you can do right now is just focus on your kids and yourself. Right now your W whether MLC/WAW/EA/PA knows you don't want this. Any type of action other than showing inner strength will push her away. You have to just drop the rope and focus on you. The goal here is consistency in your actions and self improvement.
I was told the first time when my H wanted out of our M that "Your spouse has gone on a journey that you are not invited on." It was frank but... there is was.
Time to map out your own journey.. if she want to she can always run down the path to catch up with you but it has to be her choice.
I don't know if you have seen Sandi's list, but here you go:
Quoted from Sandi2:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Any type of action other than showing inner strength will push her away. You have to just drop the rope and focus on you. The goal here is consistency in your actions and self improvement.
I need someone to tattoo this on my hands so I see it a million times a day.
You are all right. I did lose focus on why I was doing a 180. It started off for me, but as reality hit me I started to lose focus. I appreciate all comments and encourage more. Frankly, I can use as much support as I can get.
Luckyclover, I think I need Sandi2's entire list tattooed on me.
Hi David. I am very flattered that you asked for my advice, but I'm not very knowledgeable about same sex affairs. Based on what I gathered from your post, it sounds like the OW is the "domineering" one and is influencing your W to give that side of life a try. If OW wants your W, then she has probably preyed on her...using W's unhappiness as the main tool to leave you. In short, I do not believe female friends conduct themselves in this type of sexual conversation & manner.
I think you would need to deal with this just like you would if OP was a man. The "friends" card will be pulled as long as she thinks it's working.
Your W isn't the same girl that you are use to having as your W. As bad as you want to help her, you won't be able to fix what's wrong. All you can do is fix yourself. Make a live for you and the kids. When she feels the pressure lift from you, and she sees the rope has dropped, then she may get her focus back on you and the M. When she realizes she doesn't really want a R with this OW, and she sees the man she fell in love with years ago.....it will influence her heart more than anything else.
Don't continue to ask your W about OW. Assume that your W is in an EA, and OW is priming your W to enter into a physical affair with her (if it hasn't already happened).
I have to go for now, but I'll check back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
