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#2188036 - 09/21/11 09:35 PM ENDING THE BLAME GAME
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731

ENDING THE BLAME GAME


At one time or another, most of us are guilty of thinking that our relationship would improve if only our partner would change. We can think of planet of reasons why our spouse or loved one is the cause of our troubles, in other words: why he or she is to blame. Unfortunately, blame doesnít help your relationship in any way. Itís a completely destructive force that only serves to push you and your partner further and further apart.

In reality, causes of your relationshipís rocky areas donít lie within you or your partner alone. The real place to look is at the interactions between the two of you. Whatís exciting about this idea is that by simply changing any part of your usual way of interacting k, you can start the ball of change rolling. Once you act differently, your partner will respond differently. Itís easy!


List three problems that you think are your partnerís fault:

1)
2)
3)


Now take those same three problems and write down what YOU can do differently to get better results.


1) For problem #1, hereís what I can do:

2) For problem #2, hereís what I can do:

3) For problem # 3, hereís what I can do:



Edited by sgctxok (09/21/11 09:36 PM)
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#2193705 - 10/19/11 01:37 PM Re: ENDING THE BLAME GAME [Re: sgctxok]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
List three problems that you think are your partnerís fault:
1)Cheating on me, on us.
2)Being a slob.
3)Too, too, too much routine...same scenario every night!


Now take those same three problems and write down what YOU can do differently to get better results.

1) For problem #1, hereís what I can do:
Be more understanding, more compassionate about why he desired to do it.

2) For problem #2, hereís what I can do:
Lighten up.

3) For problem # 3, hereís what I can do:
Suggest spontaneous dinner out or something different. Meet him at work and take him out after.
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

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#2193743 - 10/19/11 03:31 PM Re: ENDING THE BLAME GAME [Re: MynameisMZ]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2593
Loc: VA
Originally Posted By: MynameisMZ

2) For problem #2, hereís what I can do:
Lighten up.

This sounds like suppression of your need for order, and may not be a longterm workable solution. Instead, negotiate with him. Does he feel comfortable with more disorder than you? He has a right to. How can you both get your needs met? Can he be neater in specific areas if he can go all-out messy in others, can he agree to help with cleaning or pay for cleaning? Can you agree that your way is only right FOR YOU and his way is OK FOR HIM, and find a way to coexist?

By the way, I'm the slob in my situation and I'm in this mess partly because I thought H's need for order was less important than my own priorities and partly because H suppressed his feelings about the disorder to the point where he resented me so much he didn't love me anymore.
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2193748 - 10/19/11 03:45 PM Re: ENDING THE BLAME GAME [Re: MynameisMZ]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2593
Loc: VA
edited by sg: duplicate post


Edited by sgctxok (11/03/11 08:12 PM)
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2196663 - 11/03/11 08:04 PM Re: ENDING THE BLAME GAME [Re: MynameisMZ]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
Originally Posted By: MynameisMZ
List three problems that you think are your partnerís fault:
1)Cheating on me, on us.
2)Being a slob.
3)Too, too, too much routine...same scenario every night!


Now take those same three problems and write down what YOU can do differently to get better results.

1) For problem #1, hereís what I can do:
Be more understanding, more compassionate about why he desired to do it.

2) For problem #2, hereís what I can do:
Lighten up.

3) For problem # 3, hereís what I can do:
Suggest spontaneous dinner out or something different. Meet him at work and take him out after.



So I think I heard from your other threads that he no longer cheats on you. Is that true?

When you say, 'lighten up' ... what do you mean? When you did NOT 'lighten up'...what were you doing, what were you saying


For #3...how has that worked?
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#2196670 - 11/03/11 08:13 PM Re: ENDING THE BLAME GAME [Re: sgctxok]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
adinva:

How does this apply to YOU?

sg wink
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#2196704 - 11/03/11 10:11 PM Re: ENDING THE BLAME GAME [Re: sgctxok]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2593
Loc: VA
List three problems that you think are your partnerís fault:
1) he didn't/doesn't tell me what he wants
2) he doesn't speak my love languages
3) he wants to get out of what seems like a perfectly good family


Now take those same three problems and write down what YOU can do differently to get better results.

1) For problem #1, hereís what I can do:
I'm a lot more aware that his surface doesn't tell the whole story. I ask his opinion more, and I don't blow off what he says even if he doesn't say it well.

2) For problem #2, hereís what I can do:
I understand better having read 5LL, because I now see that I knew his love language all along and still didn't speak it for him, so it's not that easy. I am temporarily putting off my need for love (words of affirmation, touch) because he believes he's not in love with me. I'm doing work to turn that around if possible, and later when the time is right, I'll use the newer words I've learned to explain my needs.

3) For problem # 3, hereís what I can do:
Be more open to the possibility that it wasn't so good, to him. Learn why. Work on the things that would make me a better wife (eg, follow through, clean up more, pick fewer arguments, listen better, encourage the kids to take on responsibilities). Be patient - if it's a MLC keep the road home paved and smooth.
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2203872 - 12/07/11 05:48 PM Re: ENDING THE BLAME GAME [Re: adinva]
angel61 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/29/10
Posts: 1046
Loc: California
List three problems that you think are your partnerís fault:
1)He hurt me and our family by rejecting me and wanting to leave the M
2)He allowed himself to develop emotions for OW and used justification and rationalization in thinking that was "real love"
3)He was dishonest with me.


Now take those same three problems and write down what YOU can do differently to get better results.

1) For problem #1, hereís what I can do: I have already forgiven him for what he has done, but at times it comes back, and the hurt is renewed. I will continue to forgive him, and view him with love and compassion. I will remember that what has happened has opened our eyes to the ills that plagued our marriage, and that now he has pledged his committment to our M. I will not let the hurt that I feel come in between our reconciliation.

2) For problem #2, hereís what I can do:I will view OW as a symptom of our M's shortcomings. Now that H has accepted that what he felt for OW was infatuation and not real love, what he calls the "stereotyped Hollywood love", I will be thankful and will make sue to work on nurturing the real love between us. I will let H work on his issues with OW without being controlling and demanding.

3) For problem # 3, hereís what I can do: I will ask for him to be honest with me from now on and will try to believe the best instead of the worst. Many times, I found out that my suspicions were unfounded.
_________________________
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go

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#2207123 - 12/21/11 09:03 PM Re: ENDING THE BLAME GAME [Re: angel61]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
Originally Posted By: angel61
List three problems that you think are your partnerís fault:
1)He hurt me and our family by rejecting me and wanting to leave the M
2)He allowed himself to develop emotions for OW and used justification and rationalization in thinking that was "real love"
3)He was dishonest with me.


Now take those same three problems and write down what YOU can do differently to get better results.

1) For problem #1, hereís what I can do: I have already forgiven him for what he has done, but at times it comes back, and the hurt is renewed. I will continue to forgive him, and view him with love and compassion. I will remember that what has happened has opened our eyes to the ills that plagued our marriage, and that now he has pledged his committment to our M. I will not let the hurt that I feel come in between our reconciliation.

2) For problem #2, hereís what I can do:I will view OW as a symptom of our M's shortcomings. Now that H has accepted that what he felt for OW was infatuation and not real love, what he calls the "stereotyped Hollywood love", I will be thankful and will make sue to work on nurturing the real love between us. I will let H work on his issues with OW without being controlling and demanding.

3) For problem # 3, hereís what I can do: I will ask for him to be honest with me from now on and will try to believe the best instead of the worst. Many times, I found out that my suspicions were unfounded.





Hi Angel,

When you say you 'forgive' him, what do you mean? What are you doing, what are you saying? How does your H or his best friend know you've forgiven him?

I love your words and perspective, and I think it means you have a great heart.

For #3--have you asked him, and has he agreed?
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#2207610 - 12/23/11 10:29 PM Re: ENDING THE BLAME GAME [Re: sgctxok]
Ashyah Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/06
Posts: 126
It is something how when I first joined this site I was so angry at him . People told me how I needed to work on changing myself. I got angry and just stopped posting.
After a divorce and now feeling like myself I see things differently.

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