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#2194457 - 10/24/11 02:56 AM Re: but you wont do the same [Re: 25yearsmlc]
AJM80 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/10
Posts: 304
Thanks! Today was our 7th anniversary, so it was a very difficult weekend. I'm 31, with a 1 and 3 year old, so time alone is hard to come by and so is time with grown ups. My parents took the kids and a girlfriend came in from out of town. We went out and (to quote the Eagles) Drank to Forget.

It feels like a lot to expect any man, even guy friends or family, to really accept and love me in my current position. I know that some of that is the after effects of what H did to me. But some of it is real - I'm still working through a lot of crap and have some serious self defense mechanisms that pop up. Plus I don't have a lot of time/energy to devote to others. When I have time away from the kids, I enjoy it, but they're pretty young and have been through a lot too this year.

What you're saying makes sense. I'm on the fence about whether I have to figure me out 1st or if meeting people/casually dating is part of figuring all this out?
I hope I do find some interesting men to date and don't have too many bad experiences while I figure this out. I'm working out a ton right now, getting in shape for me, for being a role model for the kids, and ....well....I'd rather attract fit, active guys who value taking care of their health.
_________________________
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
--Stanislaw Lem

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#2197992 - 11/10/11 05:36 AM Re: but you wont do the same [Re: AJM80]
keep_going Offline
Member

Registered: 06/15/11
Posts: 834
Hi AJM80

I've read your threads now and I find we have some similarities in our situations.

My H left home last December (just 2 days before Xmas, 6 weeks after finding out I was pregnant with 3rd kid and 1 week after moving in to a new house we bought...)

My kids are 4, almost 3 and our little one just turned 3 months old. When H left, he was starting an EA with a client from work. Our M had gone bad for a few years - too much work, neglect from both ends, lots of resentment from my part and finally my H gave up silently until he became a WAH.

Just 4 weeks after he left, he started dating (in addition to his EA with client). I did not find out until March, when I caught him with a "guest" at his place. It turned out to be the client. His EA had turned to PA. She is married, has 2 kids and at the time was still "working on her marriage."

Long story short, my approach once I found out he was dating, was, like you, to try to be friends. I had an open door policy - he would come see the kids almost daily. (Sometimes even laying down in my bed to rest, just like your h). Our R improved, we had good times together and he noticed my changes. Yet, at the same time, his R with OW became stronger (I didn't realize this at the time.)

I was hopeful that with our son's birth, he would decide to leave OW and decide for his family. Yet, just the opposite. Just two weeks after the birth of our son, he told me he was in love with OW, she had left her H and they were pursuing their R openly. So in essence, he was having his cake and eating it too.

I was soo devastated that I have had a very hard time recovering. I have been very resentful the last three months and have lost all momentum and progress in my R with him. His R with OW is going really well - they are truly in love and it seems serious. (Yes - I have snooped and found lots of evidence of a very strong emotional and physical bond.)

Now H wants to finally file for D and move on with OW. My sit. is not looking promising, but I am not giving up. Many have adviced to focus on me until (if it happens), his rosy R with OW cools down.

I love the way you have been able to detach. I find that you are in a much healthier place than me. You don't seem to have just put your life on hold for your H and I can sense real confidence in you. I wish I felt the same way.

For now, I don't really have a lot of time to GAL. I am not back at work and am seriously considering not doing it anytime soon - the kids are really struggling, specially the middle one. It's so confusing. And even though H still is around with them and is very loving, his contact with them is limited due to work and OW (she is not local).

I also admire that you have worked out. I have lost a ton of weight, but now want to get back to working out and triathlon training, which is something I like, but until my work sit. is figured out, I feel like I all my other decisions will need to wait.


Anyways, just wanted to tell you that I think you are doing great and I really enjoy reading your posts / progress. Your strength inspires me and believe me - I know what you are going thru trying to raise your little ones.

Hang in there!
_________________________
Me & H: 43
D6
D5
S2.5
Together: 21 years, M: 16 years
EA: 11/13/10
ILYBNILWY & Separation - 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12




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#2201917 - 11/29/11 04:08 AM Re: but you wont do the same [Re: keep_going]
AJM80 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/10
Posts: 304
Hi KG - Thank you so much for your post. I hope you guys are doing ok through the holidays. That was the WORST last year.

I have started to detach since we moved out of state. H helped me financially and we agree on a lot of things about raising the kids. Sometimes he still makes me mad, but I have really learned that being mad at him doesn't change anything. It doesn't bring my closer to peace or erase what has happened. I am more and more convinced that I am better off without him. Because really, how can you be better off with someone who DOESNT want to be with you. If God works a miracle and things change, it will be a new relationship between two totally changed people...I truly believe that and I hope you can start to see it too.

What I thought was silly advice turned out to be the best...
1) Join your local ymca and start working out everyday. The Y where we are now has free childcare and it is amazing. For an hour or so, almost everyday, my kids get to socialize with calm, happy adults and children. I get to workout, which was hard the 1st 2 weeks. Then it started to get easier...then the gym regulars started talking to me and including me in their joking and chatter....then I started to look better and feel stronger and have more energy and pride. I may not be eating better or losing any weight, but as a woman and a mom, it helped kick me back into an upswing.

2) If you're like me, you need to get out of your head. A good girlfriend, who had a front row seat to all this, told me I needed to stop over thinking and trying to plan everything out. Life wasn't going to fit my planning and trying to think through each step and possible result was maddening. So I let a lot of it go and have been much happier since.

On a personal note, if you're ok and making decent choices, your kids will be ok. They may not be perfect, but who gets to be perfect? Get family support (moving back by, not with, my parents and his parents has been huge), get time away from the kids, and embrace the good things in your life. My son saved me, I think. I'm not going to raise him that way....but cuddling that little newborn and knowing what I had, that my husband would never get back...that made me calm and made me feel strong about the path I chose.

A billion words..not sure if it helps you. Just truly, truly believe that you life may not be what you planned, may not be perfect, but it'll be ok. Teach it to your kids by showing them that you're ok. That comes from you, not from any man or job or relationship.
_________________________
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
--Stanislaw Lem

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#2202376 - 11/30/11 08:22 PM Re: but you wont do the same [Re: AJM80]
OnMyWay Offline
Member

Registered: 03/10/11
Posts: 262
Loc: NV
Originally Posted By: AJM80
2) If you're like me, you need to get out of your head. A good girlfriend, who had a front row seat to all this, told me I needed to stop over thinking and trying to plan everything out. Life wasn't going to fit my planning and trying to think through each step and possible result was maddening. So I let a lot of it go and have been much happier since.


This is HUGE. This is the number hardest lesson I've had to learn, yet the most productive and beneficial.

It just happen for me one day. I finally had enough of all the constant inner monologue and just set it all to the side - all of it. Life has been wonderful since. I live every day to the fullest, because I'm finally comfortable in my own skin.

Glad to hear you are still making progress, AJM. Good to hear you are ok.

OMW
_________________________
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
- Maria Robinson

M: 45 WAW: 36
T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9
ILYBNILWY: 6/2010
W left: 2/2011
W back: 2/2012

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#2202377 - 11/30/11 08:24 PM Re: but you wont do the same [Re: OnMyWay]
OnMyWay Offline
Member

Registered: 03/10/11
Posts: 262
Loc: NV
That's "#1 hardest lesson."

Sorry for not proof reading. As a man, I'll never be good at multi-tasking! LOL
_________________________
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
- Maria Robinson

M: 45 WAW: 36
T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9
ILYBNILWY: 6/2010
W left: 2/2011
W back: 2/2012

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#2211676 - 01/10/12 05:09 PM Re: but you wont do the same [Re: OnMyWay]
AJM80 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/10
Posts: 304
Haha, no worries about proof reading. Happy New Year everybody!
_________________________
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
--Stanislaw Lem

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#2233958 - 03/28/12 03:18 PM Re: but you wont do the same [Re: AJM80]
AJM80 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/10
Posts: 304
I check in so rarely. Lots happening though. H and I just bought a house for the kids and I to live in. I will find out this week if I got a part time job (work from home for old coworker) and what salary they want to offer. Friend I had a sort of crush on has a girlfriend now, which is great because that was just a crutch to keep my brain off other things. And I went to see an amazing, reasonably priced attorney - certified family law practitioner and works for the same firm as a family friend. AND my birthday is coming up. The big 32. smile H sent me a e-book reader and a birthday cake to pick up, from the kids. We're going to hash through some of the logistics of divorce next week when he comes back to see them @ Easter.

Peace be with all of you who are still rolling through here periodically. This has the makings of a good, but difficult transition year.
_________________________
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
--Stanislaw Lem

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#2240870 - 04/26/12 05:33 AM Re: but you wont do the same [Re: AJM80]
OnMyWay Offline
Member

Registered: 03/10/11
Posts: 262
Loc: NV
Just getting caught up - been so busy with life I haven't spent much time here either. Kind of sad about you guys, but I do trust you to do what's best for you. Keep on keeping on.

OMW
_________________________
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."
- Maria Robinson

M: 45 WAW: 36
T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9
ILYBNILWY: 6/2010
W left: 2/2011
W back: 2/2012

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#2244429 - 05/11/12 03:20 AM Re: but you wont do the same [Re: OnMyWay]
AJM80 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/10
Posts: 304
H still will not talk about D. Avoids conversation, dodges texts and emails. I cannot bring myself to just file. It's nice to not be divorced, have his great insurance, and avoid that crappy stress of admitting I failed, that I sucked at being married. (false? I dunno, I think if you get divorced you suck at being married. Defeatist attitude today, don't feel that way normally) I know I will have to do it eventually...every time I get close to making a big deal out of it and forcing a convo, something (life) gets in the way. I may be a more passive person that I realized.

I'm a bit lonely and depressed, but kids have been sick the last few weeks, lots of money going into house, etc and it is all wearing on me. Joined church softball league. New job starts in June. House is going pretty well other than termites and some hail damage to the roof....lol. I know things will come back around once I stop waking up to sick, crying children at 2 am.

He was in town 2 weeks ago. We took kids to the zoo, shopping, playground, emergency run to the dr for son's burst eardrum. He was very present and a person I would want to be married to. He got up with the baby in the middle of the night, comforted our daughter, and was supportive, encouraging, and grateful of/for my parenting of our kids.

Jackass. Why can't he either stay the jerk who is 700 miles away screwing a stripper and taking life enrichment classes to find himself and get divorced OR man up consistently and be present for his "wife" and children? I know a lot of reasons why he will not and can guess reasons he thinks he can not. It's just frustrating.

I do not know what to do next, folks. Mostly, I am at peace with my current life. Appreciating what I have and getting through the crap (there's always some crap). There is a lot of wondering about where I want to end up. Perpetually informally separated, divorced/dating, divorced/remarried, etc. I don't want to get ripped apart like this again and may be hiding out.

Force the conversation and start filing?
Keep coasting along, being sort of friends and co-parents?
Coast along, but stop talking to him regularly? Very hard with a 2 and 4 year old to keep connected with skype and cell phone.

So what do I do?

Well, my daughter sounds like she's about to throw up all over her bed...so I guess that answers that question.
_________________________
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
--Stanislaw Lem

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#2244438 - 05/11/12 03:43 AM Re: but you wont do the same [Re: AJM80]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
idk, AJM... my W is the same...

I'm in the process of starting the process...

I know that some newbies wish they were in this sitch but really... the "un-divorced" thing sux...

but... I'm not rushing... It'll get done when it gets done...

really, I do know someone who is still M after 10 years of separated... i don't think I'll be to interested in celebrating THAT anniversary...

stay well...

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