I have not posted in a while and have spent the past few days thinking about my sitch. A lot of thoughts, which I wanted to get down on “paper”..
Tomorrow I am scheduled to be divorced and although I am okay with it, it is still a sad day. I started to think about what it will be like being divorced. I started to think about this entire process. Started to think about STBXW. Started to think about OM #1, OM#2. Started to think about what it will be like seeing her or her seeing me with someone else. What it will be like for my kids. Started to think about MY ROLE in all of this. I know I did not cause her crisis, but honestly a M does not end by just one person. Started to think about how she is on her own path and I on mine. I started to think about the M, my kids, my in-laws, our friends. Started to think about my buds, MHL and Grit, started to think about Gritty’s last post…chit…I pretty much thought about everything today.
What I finally realized…looking past the hurt…is that – I am success! Some of you may not understand this statement (especially if you are new), some of you will. I am a success because I am different now! Very different. I feel different. I think differently.
I came here a while ago (seems like an eternity to me ). So broken, hurt, frustrated, angry, depressed,totally just messed up. Yep - not a hope in the world. A man lost. I came here to try and “fix” my STBXW. Try to understand her and her crisis. Try to save the M using a bunch of tactics. What I found in this process was a little boy who never dealt with his past hurts and who carried all of his baggage into his M. What I found is how dysfunctional both W and I were. What I found is how codependent we both were. What I found is that the M was not healthy. I say this not as an excuse. No. Could it have worked? Yep? Could we have worked hard at it and pieced it back together? Yep. This though, is not the way that it ended up. Is it all her fault…all the result of her MLC crisis? Nope. It was and will always have been the result of both of our actions or lack of actions.
Today I stand here a work in progress but so much better than where I was. Is the “work” done? Not by a long shot.
When I first came here…I thought the site would have the magic pill that would save my marriage what I found is that this site…helped not just me…but more importantly, it helped my kids, my friends, my in-laws and even my STBXW. It helped me through the process, helped with the pain, the loneliness, the hopelessness, the despair…oh I can go on and on.
So I decided to…for myself….write down…why I feel I am success.
- I am 10 times a better father than I ever was.
- I have come to accept my imperfections. I am not perfect. Never was, never will be and I am okay with that. It is this acceptance of who I am at this point in time in my life that is a far cry from who I was.
- I have learned to listen more now – more than I ever have before in my life. Learned to focus on the words that someone says.
- I am financially more responsible – though not perfect…much better than where I was.
- I am a much better friend.
- I now understand some of the dynamics and quite honestly issues that made me do some of the things I did. Are they all fixed now? Nope. Some will require work that will take time. I am though….okay with where I am – for now.
- I faced most of my fears… the fear of losing her, the fear of losing my kids, the fear of losing my family, the fear of failure, the fear of coming to terms and being honest with myself (and ftr, I still give myself a free pass every now and then but hey I am…a work in progress), the fear of a change in lifestyle. So many damn fears. I have learned to sit back and consider why I do what I do or why I say what I say. Is it fear? It is this question that I ask myself often.
- I came to understand a lot about myself.
- I learned to value myself…yep…one of things that I came to realize is that I did not value myself in the M…therefore how in the hell could I have valued someone else.
- I learned about HEALTHY boundaries. That are needed for me and more importantly how to RESPECT others boundaries.
- I learned about protecting one self and what detachment is really about (and FTR, I sure as hell am no expert).
- I found my faith and my R with God again. Something that was lost for a while but thank God found again.
- I became comfortable being me. Something that as a co dependant is tough. I learned to recognize just how much I wanted to please everyone and better yet…WHY I wanted to please people.
- I found my sense of humor again…
- I found some of the best friends in the world. Friends that I will have and cherish for a long time. People that I am PROUD to call my friends. People that challenge me (even when I fight them) to be the best I can be.
- I found my inner strength; although I still have my own pitty parties every now and then.
- I found LOVE…a love for life, a love for peace, a love for bonds that will forever be in my heart. I found that I can love someone else. I found that I…with all my fault…with all my past…can be loveable.
- I found acceptance. I accept that my STBXW and I are no longer to be and that is okay. I thank her for the time we did have together.
- I recently found the compassion that I lost for a while as I sat home…pissed, angry and the entire D process. (thank YOU…and you know who you are)
- I found that we should be grateful for what we do have in our lives. That no matter how difficult it seems, no matter how high the mountain appears….that it is NOT insurmountable.
- I found the difference between loving someone in an unhealthy way and loving someone is a healthy way.
- I found forgiveness…or better yet…I found that forgiveness takes time…takes work…takes effort.
- I found that I am responsible for my happiness and that NO ONE else can make me happy if I am not happy with ME.
- I found that people are in your lives for a period of time and usually for a reason. I understand that sometime and in my case, quite often you do not know what the reason is UNTIL AFTER.
- I learned about the characteristic that can destroy a R. Pride. Resentment. Anger.
- I learned to let go (or as much as I could)…to let God. To live life the best way I can.
- I learned that although we tend to look at things as and END….that the reality is that for every END is….a NEW BEGINNING.
- I learned that our lives are what we make of them.
- I learned that all of us, MLCer, LBSer, everyone sows what we reap. I stress this to the LBSer…who comes here does work..and then seems to forget their role in their specific sitch. How often we forget….
- I learned about expectations…..damn I hate’em.
- I learned that I was given a gift, a gift from God, a gift from my W.
- I learned that I, ericmsant is a flawed human being…and I am okay with that…cause I know..I do the best that I can.
- I learned about the dreams I had…rather I found them again. Some will take more time than others to achieve…but a life without dreams…is not a life worth living.
Many thanks to all of you…who have walked this path with me!
I wanted to end this post with a short note to my STBXW
STBXW,
Thank you. Thank you for the time that we had together. Thank you for my wonderful children. Thank you for the good memories. For my part in all of this – I am truly sorry. Thank you for this gift, the gift of self.
I hope and pray that at some point in the future we can look back on this time and laugh about it.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this, and being able to express it so well. I feel a lot of these things are successes in my own life, as well. I'm having a weird evening myself, and it hopes to be able to count your blessings as well as see your shortcomings.
Eric this is all so true, you have worked so hard and gained so much despite what you've lost. You are a success. What makes you an even bigger success is that you are so humbled AND yet so strong from this experience that you will fully work to keep growing and keep becoming a better person.
Your line about the gift of self, that's it in a nutshell. We lost marriages that were dying and we gained ourselves in the process. Perhaps we will be married again someday, perhaps we will choose not to be; who knows? But whatever we have in store, we are entering that next phase of our lives as much better people than we were.
We're all with you tomorrow in the pain and in the promise of what's to come.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Thanks for sharing Eric...and good luck today. I am myself a little scared....our one year date is drawing near and Im afraid of how I will react when the time comes to hear "divorce". It terrifies me.
Trying to work through it though.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Thank you SA, MHL, Cadet, B, Antonia, Pun and Country.
I wanted to keep journaling exactly how I am feeling….
A few minutes ago I received a call from the attny that I am to be in court at 1pm.
So how do I feel?
A few words come to mind… Sad, nervous, anxious, emotional, relief….wow…I seem to be cycling through a host of different emotions.
The L's have decided to meet prior to the actual divorce to see if STBXW and I can hash out the remaining open issues, which are:
- Official Parenting Plan: I have requested Wed, Thursday and every other Friday, Sat and Sun. STBXW wants me to have them Thurs, Friday, Saturday and every other Wed. I am willing to accept Wed, Thur, Friday and every other Saturday with 12 full weekends a year (Fri – Sun). The good news..is that a 50/50 custody agreement has been reached.
- College: STBXW originally agreed that her and I would deal with this outside of the court. The new request is to have the court reserve jurisdiction. My hope is to secure an acceptance on my oldest, whereby we split the cost 50/50 and let the court reserve jurisdiction for the two younger ones.
- Cohabitation: STBXW want no change in alimony regardless of her cohabitation status for the next six years. In short, she wants alimony even if she were to remarry or live with someone else. In addition, she has requested that if I cohabitate that the alimony remain non-modifable for the next 10 years. My response here is GO F yourself.
- Salary Cap: In an attempt to avoid having to go back to court every year, I have requested what is called a safe harbor. This provides a safety net for both of us. What it means is that if my salary (excluding bonus) remains less than a 25% increase to my current income that STBXW cannot take me back for more alimony. The same rule applies to her. This is a fight since OM is her supervisor and she has already turned down a promotion. It was turned down since it would mean that I would pay her less. My goal here is to stick to my guns and keep the salary cap language in the aggrement.
- Bonus: STBXW has requested 40% of the bonus dollars on a pre-tax basis. I have offered 20%. My goal settle at 25%.
- Global Support: Alimony and Child Support. We have already agreed to not modify the child support when my oldest turns 18 (this Dec). The current structure has her receiving more alimony than all 3 kids combined. This will be the biggest battle.
Prayer are appreciated….. I may not post for a few days as I sort out how I feel. As usual, I will have a lot to say. As the time is ticking…the feeling are washing over me. Funny thing…I don’t feel scared….if anything…I feel more sadness mixed with some anger. The anger comes from how this process was dealt with. I know it will not remain…I CHOOSE for it not to remain…but damn…I still feel it.
Today, I will have my kids with me. I wanted them with me today!
Today, we will start our new journey….me as a single kick as* dad with his little girl in his arms and his boys by his side…. Them, as children from divorce. Wrong? No...just different.
Today we are going to have steak for dinner (daddy style)!
I’m gonna have a beer and maybe watch a movie with the kiddies.
As for STBXW……
I have no idea. I hope she finds what she is looking for and find her happiness.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
