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#2181202 - 08/26/11 09:26 AM In the meantime--getting to know you
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
While we're waiting to begin, let us know a bit about you:

Your basic relationship situation and your personal strengths, skills and hobbies. If you'd like you post a link to your thread on another DB forum.

I'm looking forward to working with you!
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#2181689 - 08/27/11 07:55 PM KEEPING LOVE ALIVE 2011!!! Coming in September.
Johnnieno1 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/02/11
Posts: 309
I am the husband of a WAW. I have been posting in the newcomers forum for about two months now. My threadsvare " I am so lost... someone PLEASE help me!!! " 1 through 6. Although my wife is a WAW, we still live together. I know that others have advised to pull back from a WAW to draw them closer. I have been trying that with little success. Although I have categorized my W as a WAW, she may respond to a different approach, or I'm just really bad at DB. Regardless, she seems to respond better, and be happier when I make more of an effort to be together with her when she wants it. Recently, she has closed her home daycare (a significant source of stress for her) and started a new part time job as a painter. Although she is physically tired, at the end of the day, she seems happy to be home. Ive often suspected that this would be the case and only time Will prove it. I'm not sure if I should be here in the K-L-A forum, or sticking to the advice of other spouses of WAWs.
_________________________
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W.
3K. D11 S9 D6
M 12 y T 13 y
Bomb drop 02/22/2011
2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011
Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011

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#2181711 - 08/27/11 09:44 PM Re: KEEPING LOVE ALIVE 2011!!! Coming in September. [Re: Johnnieno1]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
My timeline up to July 2010:

Now in piecing... :-)
Lot so ups and downs for me this past year....WE are well and very much in love!

Timeline:

April 2009 My good friend spots H with OW in a store.
April 2009 H shows up at this friend's 50th b-day party sloshed and rude to everyone. Very embarrassing!

Summer 2009 H seems depressed, distant, in his head,
cranky all the time.
He's drinking WAY too much. I ask him to cut back and he says he doesn't want to.
There's no reaching him.

August 2009 Our 20th anniversary- we buy an old car that's fun. Little trip for our anniversary. Had a great time!
He still seemed a bit distant, but I was going to let him be.

Sept 2009 H gets text from his "assistant" from work telling him to "have fun" out for dinner with the family.
I say that made me uncomfortable. I dropped it there.

Sept 2009 I have to visit a friend with TBI in a nursing home in a city 3 hrs away. I intend to go alone and spend the night. H insists on going with me. We have other great weekend away together. We stop at a little island we always went to when 1st dating. He seems preoccupied. I don't pry.

October, November December 2009 I'm REALLY busy with work. I'm working my own business plus moonlighting overnight.
I wanted to be sure to have enough $ for trip.

October, November December 2009 H's assistant (OW) doesn't want to share her power with assistant #2. OW starts to target #2 and insidiously makes comments about #2 to H.
At same time company is going thru changes and H feels undermined by bigger powers-that-be from above H own CEO.
This gives H and his assistant a common enemy, something to bond over. OW is very bright if not brilliant intellectually, but an underachiever. H has never felt he lived up to his potential. They are alike in many ways.

From late summer thru X-mas- A nephew was killed in a car accident, our dog disappeared without a trace, someone we knew committed suicide, and I had glitches in my work. It's a rough time for me. H is crankier and crankier. I just bury myself in my work.

Christmas 2009 I see the cc bill with charges and I question them. H gives answers (lies) and I give him benefit of the doubt. My suspicions start to increase. My denial kicks in.

Jan 2010 H is such a jerk to me and the kids that I offer to leave and continue financial support, but ask for space from each other. He doesn't want that.

Feb 2010 I start becoming even more unhappy in R and M. I state how I feel. I state my concerns about being disconnected and time spent with his assistant.
It's falling on deaf ears.

Feb 2010 H sends a link to new dog and asks if we should get one. A good sign for staying together. I still don't know what is going on with him. Figure MLC. Leave him be.

Feb 14, 2010 H tells me he isn't getting me anything for Valentine's Day bec we are going on our big trip. I'm hurt, but see and understand the practicality. I tell myself not to make a mountain out of a mole hill.
I get him chocolates anyway.

Feb 16, 2010 We leave for trip.
We stop in a major city for 3 days for some cultured fun.

Feb 17, 2010 Tiger Woods is on TV apologizing for his behavior.

Feb 18, 2010 We have fantastic hotel. Everyone is pursuing different venues. I shop, we shop, the boys are off making own connections. Then in one store H treats me so badly that I just leave. We meet up later and I ask right out if he is having an A with his assistant. He denies it.

Feeling like I have evil around me I serendipitously find a sage smudge stick in a specialty shop that says it gets rid of evil spirits. I laugh to myself thinking this is silly, but I buy it anyway. How can it hurt? I believe in rituals and native American beliefs.

Feb 20, 2010 we meet up with friends for our ski trip. H is a complete jerk to everyone on the trip. I ignore it, but my best friend tells me she is very worried about me. SHE is angry with H! I tell her H is depressed and going thru a MLC. I reassure her he'll be fine once he works it out.

On the trip I try and talk to H, he seems to ignore me.
I'm talking to a wall.

March 2010 H remarks how his assistant is suicidal. I discuss this with a colleague and say that I think she has a crush on my H and is depressed because she knows she can't have him.
My H is "Mark Harmon good looking" and younger women wanting that daddy figure often get crushes on him.

April 24, 2010 we are in the yard raking and he starts to text his assistant. THAT'S IT! I am angry now and I tell him how I feel. He admits it's "an inappropriate emotional connection taking away form our relationship" and agrees to cool it. I let it go.

May 20, 2010 I get an uneasy feeling and go to the golf course looking for him. We meet in a restaurant parking lot and I cry and cry, telling him how scared I am. He seems relieved. We start to reconnect. The lovemaking is incredible.

What becomes evident in the e-mails I found later (June) is that he did pull away from her and so she started reeling him in. They had clandestine meetings that seemed to increase end of May.

May 28, 2010 My radar is up and running hard. I decided to research the cell phone records. What i find leaves no doubt in my mind that this is an A. I find texts that he sent her from our bed at 5 AM while on our trip! I go to his office and confront them. They deny it. I leave not knowing what I want or what I'm going to do.

The e-mails in June prove that my actions pushed them more together and I am the common enemy. H is now playing both sides against his middle. H is telling her crap and throwing me under the bus. H is telling me he wants his M.

May 28 - June 4 it's lies and chaos. H is lying to me and OW about where his emotions are. ML to me every night and texting me all lovey dovey texts and then sending her e-mails about how crazy I am. H is on the phone with me at 4:30 PM buying a new bed and then 3 hours later IM chatting with her about running away to the Carribean together! One confused dude! Who is he?

June 4, 2010 OW does something really stupid, really scary, and really evil to herself and then tells H that I did it.
H wakes up. OW demands that he respond to her text or "I'll report you and your wife to the police!"

June 8, 2010 H gets an text from her, "Hi sweety, how was your day?" I go ballistic. H texts her back right in front of me, "Enough with the texts, getting my marriage back together."

June 20, 2010 ? I see on his laptop that it appears like he has logged into gmail. He denies he has a gmail account. I have to drop it because he isn't telling me anything.

June 21, 2010 11PM and I'm on-call. I get called out. H is asleep on couch and his cell phone is open and lit up with his secret gmail account. He gives me the password and takes off his wedding band, holding it out to me and saying he'll move out in the morning. I went numb....I had to go in to work..............when I got home I forwarded an IM chat to OW and told her that now I know everything. I went to the guestroom.

June 22, 2010 we go away to a special island we first went to when we started dating...his idea. I didn't know what I wanted or should do. He said he wants the M and not OW.

I learn from a guy who works for my H in his dept (who hates OW bec he sees her for what she really is) that she was a basket case all day at work.

June 24, 2010 I receive e-mail back from OW in response to sending her one of the messages...she writes, "Yeah, but you missed the juiciest parts."

July 6, 2010 We started MC and have been going ever since.

Summer 2010 I start to show up at H place of work. OW is still there bec he can't fire her and she has something over on him now. His company could be sued. Stupid I know, but he is re-enacting his parents marriage, his father's fall from grace and his father's eventual abandonment of him at age 10.

H is now same age his father was when he was disgraced at his job and kicked out by H mother. An A was part of it too.

I struggle with broken heart all summer. Watching my H go to work everyday knowing she is there KILLS me!

June 12, 2010 I attend a graduation party and start to talk to my friend's sister. She said, "Let's go for a walk." She told me things about OW I would have had no way of knowing. Turns out the sister is a psychic! She was so accurate! Details! Example - She said she bites her fingernails until they bleed. I asked my H and he said that was true. Tons of things she told me including, "You're H is not holding her accountable for seducing him. Not that he isn't without blame." Psychic friend says she will be gone with a 3 in it. ...3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months. She told me where she was going!

July 2010 OW is no longer OW, but still works there. OW says something evil to staff about another staff member. Staff member goes over H head to HR. H must issue a warning.

July 2010 Another staff member goes to HR and writes out formal complaint and now H MUST suspend her for 10 days.
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

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#2182980 - 09/01/11 10:35 PM Re: KEEPING LOVE ALIVE 2011!!! Coming in September. [Re: Johnnieno1]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
Johnnie-

I'm glad you've joined the KLA group, because you can work through your solutions yourself. If your wife truly is a WAW, the advice you were given to pull back to draw her closer would not be right. A WAW has generally tried 'everything' and given up. Which means--you'd need to seriously change your behavior to win her back. But--let's not assume she's a WAW.

You get to begin again, with KLA -- and look at your marriage with fresher eyes. Don't worry about advice you've been given, you are going to learn to trust yourself to sift through the best solutions for you and your wife.

What I'd like to know about you is -- what are YOUR PERSONAL STRENGTHS? What are you good at, what are you interested in? Are you a musician? Are you good at fixing things? etc...

I have seen some of your threads before, but I will take some time to read them over the next week.
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#2182983 - 09/01/11 10:40 PM Re: KEEPING LOVE ALIVE 2011!!! Coming in September. [Re: sgctxok]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
MZ--

You've had quite a ride! I'm glad you're back, in love and Piecing! This is a great time to do KLA! Jack3Beans and I (and Jamesjohn before me) will tell you that we go through KLA routinely to be solution focused to keep our relationships strong--to grow our skillsets to weather the things life brings to us.

What are yours--and your husband's strengths? (btw--he can join us too, if you'd like) What are the things that you are good at that you can draw from when you are working on solutions?
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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#2183647 - 09/04/11 05:52 PM Re: KEEPING LOVE ALIVE 2011!!! Coming in September. [Re: sgctxok]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
I have been a DBer since January 2001. I came here 2 relationships AFTER my divorce (Jan 1995). I was the hottest mess. I had read every hot relationship book out at that time, had a phone consultation with someone else who was popular at the time, and found that consultation was only focused on planning more consultations. I read DB, joined the site. My first poster was Australian, who changed his name to Mick. A few of you were around back then. We were allowed to make contact then and another DBer and I went to the KLA seminar Michele held locally.
My DBing understanding and relationship skills changed exponentially. I ‘succeeded’ at that relationship, turned it around, but realized it wasn’t well-based. I also became COMPLETELY convinced that divorce isn’t the answer, even though I am divorced. My ex was abusive, but it was in the beginning stages. I am not remotely going to excuse it. . Sometimes, there is no other conclusion, but it doesn’t give you what you think it’s going to give you. I have learned, though, through the subsequent relationships, that my own behavior was not conducive to a healthy relationship.


That is why I’m such a KLA fan, because I changed the dynamic of that relationship, and shortly after I became a moderator. Not because I was the best DBer, but because I understand the value, the worth, the principles, the change that is possible. I ‘get it’ from a relationship standpoint and personal. I will tell you I was the most pathetic person on the board at that time and that while I didn’t have a death wish, I didn’t feel I could go on living. Michele and her works saved my life
literally and figuratively. I have learned –very slowly—to apply DB skills to my romantic relationships, my relationships with my children, and my professional relationship. I will talk about the skills I learned throughout, and we will learn together. I will learn from you, and maybe you will learn from me, and we, together, will likely learn from someone else.


My skills are: vocal, I sing well, or at least used to. I am a chemist in the pharmaceutical industry. I am studying Lean/Six Sigma for continuous improvement. My hobbies are quilting/sewing, and trying to do some scrapbooking, but my visual art skills are limited.
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

Top
#2185488 - 09/11/11 06:42 PM Re: KEEPING LOVE ALIVE 2011!!! Coming in September. [Re: sgctxok]
Johnnieno1 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/02/11
Posts: 309
hi a little about me...

I am one of a twin born 3 months premature.  As a result of my early birth I have retinopothy of prematurity.  This condition of the eyes causes me to have very poor vision.  My vision corrected is 20/60.  Therefore I can't drive s car.  I have had this my whole life.  As a kid is was always picked on and bullied due to my eyesight, and I think that is why I am a people pleaser, which stems from my need to be accepted.  It also makes me insecure and have a low self esteem..  I have been working on my confidence over the years, and when I met my wife and we started dating, it was a huge boost to how I see myself.  My wife and I met working in retail at the mall.  She worked in the store across from me, and I knew very early on that there was something special about her.  Although it tools time and effort I convinced her to go out with me.  At the time she was in a long distance relationship, but we became friends and lovers.  She broke up with me a few times during our dating, but we seemed to find our way back to each other.  The last time she cut me free I moved on and started dating other women, it wasn't long and we were back together again first as friends and then exclusively.  I knew she was the love of my life and I proposed to her and we were marries after a short (5.5 month) engagement.  After 3 months of marriage, we were pregnant with our first child and life moved on from there, 2 years later we had our 2 child and 3 years after that our third.  After our 3rd was born, my wife decided to open a home daycare to not only look after our kids but also help in paying our bills.  Over the years my wif would indicate that she was getting tired of the daycare and that she was unhappy.  I always knew that the day would come that the daycare would end and we could get on with life and return to the happy days before the daycare put so much pressure on our marriage.  Just last week my wife closed the daycare and has tsken a job as a house painter.  She says she like the fact that she can work in peace and have no kids clawing at her and have to listen to the constant crying and screaming.  I can totally see that.  We have been in separate rooms now for more than 3 years started in part to what my wife called my super loud snoring.  We would find time on occasion to be intimate, but I was always the initiator.  Every time after intercourse I would make sure to reinforce that she was satisfied and that we both really enjoyed ourselves , but, I was always the initiator again.  In the last 1.5 years mmy wife started to hang around with a group of local women that she has been partying with and going to the gym etc.  She has changed so much towards me in the last 1.5 years that she is completely different.  Every time I tried to initiate sex, I was turned away be her and finally I just gave up asking.  It has come to my attention that my wife has been involved in a EA since April this year with a painter that was painting one of her friends houses.  Although she denies the seriousness of that friendship, I know that she is much more invested emotionally and possibly physically from accidentally finding an email she sent to him where she said "you are the best thing I have ever done". Thats pretty clear to me.  My wife has been very clear to me that in her words "I am done". "how many thimes do I have to say it... I am done". I am not ready to give up on her, dispute everything I am still completely in love with her and I think about her constantly.  

I have been working on my 180s since I read Michelles book Divorce Busting.  I have done everything I am not supposed to do in my weak moments.  During that time however I have been working on my areas of opportunity that my wife has begrudgingly admitted were needed.  In her words, I'm too sedentary, overweight, don't do enough with the kids, don't pitch in around the house, too tight with money, controlling...etc.  Some of her points are valid , but not all are fair.  I have however been making the changes that I see are my weaknesses.  I have been pitching in to do as many chores as I can around the house, I have been making sure to engage with the kids on a daily basis and help them with thier homework, play with them, say goodnight prayers with them.  I try to be more free with money, but still am careful not to get in to debt.  I have been making a concerted effort to encourage conversation with my wife and when she talks I listen.  I have dropped 44lbs since March and am very happy with my weight loss.  I try not to ask my wife to drive me places and take my bike whenever possible or rely on others when needed.  I try to adopt a more carefree attitude with my wife in an effort to not be controlling.  Most importantly, I have been working on mmy patience and controlling my temper.  I have made great strides in this area and my wife has even admitted to me that she is staring to feel like she can trust that I won't yell or scream when we talk especially when I get frustrated.  Of course, there are more things but these are the basics.  

Until recently I was employed by my local telephone company in the sales department.  I was a very high performer due in part to my drive to be a great provider and to earn Bonuses and trips so that my wife and I could get away together to reconnect when possible.  I know that my skills from work of being very direct and in control have spilled into my home-life and had a negative effect on my marriage.  Now that my job has ended and her new one begun, we have made a role reversal and I think it will vastly change the home dynamic for us.  My hope is that the KLA program will allow me to better identify what I am doing that is working for us and to eliminate what is not working.  My window of opportunity is closing quickly however as my wife has admitted that once she has saved up her first and last months rent she will be moving out and seeking separation.  Btw, she is a Walk Away Wife, no question.

I enjoy working with my hands and was employed for many years as a cabinet maker, until I became allergic to sawdust.  Currently I am looking for work inside my current employer with a job shift focussing more on the administrative end so as to get off the stressful front line and out of customer service, honestly I'm just burned out on that after 12 years.  

if I can clarify any more... Just ask...
Johnnie
_________________________
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W.
3K. D11 S9 D6
M 12 y T 13 y
Bomb drop 02/22/2011
2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011
Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011

Top
#2185784 - 09/12/11 08:24 PM Re: KEEPING LOVE ALIVE 2011!!! Coming in September. [Re: Johnnieno1]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
Johnnie-

At the time she was in a long distance relationship, but we became friends and lovers. She broke up with me a few times during our dating, but we seemed to find our way back to each other. The last time she cut me free I moved on and started dating other women, it wasn't long and we were back together again first as friends and then exclusively. I knew she was the love of my life and I proposed to her and we were marries after a short (5.5 month) engagement. After 3 months of marriage, we were pregnant with our first child and life moved on from there, 2 years later we had our 2 child and 3 years after that our third. After our 3rd was born, my wife decided to open a home daycare to not only look after our kids but also help in paying our bills. Over the years my wif would indicate that she was getting tired of the daycare and that she was unhappy. I always knew that the day would come that the daycare would end and we could get on with life and return to the happy days before the daycare put so much pressure on our marriage. Just last week my wife closed the daycare and has tsken a job as a house painter. She says she like the fact that she can work in peace and have no kids clawing at her and have to listen to the constant crying and screaming. I can totally see that. We have been in separate rooms now for more than 3 years started in part to what my wife called my super loud snoring. We would find time on occasion to be intimate, but I was always the initiator. Every time after intercourse I would make sure to reinforce that she was satisfied and that we both really enjoyed ourselves , but, I was always the initiator again. In the last 1.5 years mmy wife started to hang around with a group of local women that she has been partying with and going to the gym etc. She has changed so much towards me in the last 1.5 years that she is completely different. Every time I tried to initiate sex, I was turned away be her and finally I just gave up asking. It has come to my attention that my wife has been involved in a EA since April this year with a painter that was painting one of her friends houses. Although she denies the seriousness of that friendship, I know that she is much more invested emotionally and possibly physically from accidentally finding an email she sent to him where she said "you are the best thing I have ever done". Thats pretty clear to me. My wife has been very clear to me that in her words "I am done". "how many thimes do I have to say it... I am done". I am not ready to give up on her, dispute everything I am still completely in love with her and I think about her constantly.



You have a lot of strengths, personally and in your relationship especially since you were able to find your way back to each other often early on. I'm glad your heart is still in love with her.

I have been working on my 180s since I read Michelles book Divorce Busting.


You appear to have great problem solving skills, and that is a GOOD think even though being 'direct' may not have completely served you, it has helped you to likely have assessed your situation well. This tells me that if you are given real concrete suggestions for changing your communication styles with your wife, you will get it.

(btw--How would you like designing cabinets if you didn't have to interface with the customer regularly?)


When you and your wife were first falling in love, what did you do together that was fun?

Let's begin! I believe you have what it takes to do this.


Have you listened to the LOVE ILLUSIONS?
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

Top
#2186090 - 09/13/11 10:32 PM Re: KEEPING LOVE ALIVE 2011!!! Coming in September. [Re: sgctxok]
Johnnieno1 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/02/11
Posts: 309
When we fell in love, simply we talked to each other way more. Substantial talk, not superficial talk. We also made time for each other. It was easy to do nice things fer her because she was receptive to it. Recently, I have started to get up early, before her and go for a walk. Not every morning, but, 2 or 3 times a week. I will walk to the corner coffee shop and buy us both our morning coffee. She always says thank you.

I was thinking I would buy a few t shirts in her size and favorite color, that she could wear to her new painting job. My problem is that because she is a WAW, I risk her pulling away, thinking I'm trying to buy my way back in. I just want to give a thoughtful gesture to let her know, she is still in my heart. It's not an extravagant gift, but it would be thoughtful and show her that I was paying attention when she mentioned that she really only had the 1 painting shirt to wear.

Thoughts?

Yes, I have listened to 3 of the CDs so far...

Johnnie
_________________________
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W.
3K. D11 S9 D6
M 12 y T 13 y
Bomb drop 02/22/2011
2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011
Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011

Top
#2186115 - 09/14/11 12:20 AM Re: KEEPING LOVE ALIVE 2011!!! Coming in September. [Re: Johnnieno1]
sgctxok Offline
Member

Registered: 02/06/01
Posts: 10731
I only have a minute, so I will write more tomorrow or Thurs, but I think you should buy them. Test the water...with no expectation. Just pure thoughtfulness... It shows her you are paying attention.

With the WAW, you are beginning again. Showing her a whole new you. Someone who cares about what SHE wants. Slowly. Consistently. You have a leg up on someone else because you know more.

So experiment. Monitor results.

More later.
_________________________
sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001

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