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#2172095 - 07/28/11 03:51 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11351
"One of us is lying to you. He says I called him, and I say I didn't. I hope you figure it out."
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#2172128 - 07/28/11 05:28 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Maybe that's what I'll tell her. lulz
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2172174 - 07/28/11 07:54 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3744
How do YOU feel about the interaction ?

J3B is right, one of the two of you is lying ( as she sees it ).

Sometimes , the more we push and defend ourselves, the more guilty we look....

Proof ?

Tell an alcoholic that they are an alcoholic, and listen to the excuses....(and defense kick in )

Honesty is the FIRST step in repairing broken trust....

Let your actions SHOW her that you aren't the one that is out, taking the truth for a walk...

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#2172183 - 07/28/11 08:20 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: Mach1]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
I see what you guys are saying now. Thank you.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2172371 - 07/29/11 01:08 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
I need to talk about the good days as much as the bad or indifferent ones.

Yesterday was one of those good days. I felt relaxed and easy going. The night before, my wife went to her NA meeting and when she got back we sort of got into it with a few things. Though the evening didn't end with us both huffy in bed and not talking, it did end sourly. But she brought home a few books from her NA sponsor for loved ones of addicts. One book in particular was a devotional. That's the one I picked up.

Each morning before I begin my training session, I read. Mostly its from the Bible and then a few books I find intriguing. So after I read a few passages from the bible, I read a few days from this book. The pages were short but spot on. A few points hit home. I decided to take the book with me since my wife was working in my office some this week. Yesterday was a full day of her being there so I thought it would be nice to go to lunch and talk about the book. Maybe show her some places that got my attention.

On the way out the door I showed her the book and told her what I thought we should do. She was all for it. As with the show, "Celebrity Rehab," she really gets motivated to talk and discuss things she's dealing with and what addicts deal with in general. Telling her what I had planned sparked something in her.

At lunch we sat at a very crowded Chik-fil-A and ate. The book was beside us but I didn't bring up the subject of talking about anything I read in it. I wanted to see if she was interested enough to bring it up. So we chit chatted about work. She got to see first hand how crazy the office gets when deadlines are not only knocking on the door, but using a battering ram. It can get wild - but funny sometimes. It's a small firm and the personalities come screaming out when fires are lit.

After I finished my meal she looked up and asked if we were going to talk about the book. The door was open. And it was on. I turned to Day 3 and had her read. For some time I have tried to get my wife to set some goals for herself, some for NA and her 12 step program. She tends to look at her goals as one giant leap and not tiny steps. This day's devotional hit a home run with that.

Don't look at the big picture, but take each day, even break that down to smaller increments if you must. One step. Just one step at a time. Don't get hung up on making yourself better - perfect in your eye - in one fell swoop. But set small goals day to day, hour to hour, and see where that takes you.

"What do you see yourself doing when you get back to the office?"

"What about when we get home?"

"In the morning?"

Small steps. Small steps.

She loved it and we talked openly. When she gets motivated she gets loud. I know when I strike a nice chord because she brings the volume up and she starts talking fast. Two older ladies stopped eating and listened just as intently as I was. I didn't care though. Yeah, we were talking about drug use, NA meetings, our marriage, whatever. This is life, ladies. Enjoy it. And don't forget to tell your bridge club when you get back.

After that we went shopping for a bit before heading back to the office. She was real close to me, holding my hand any chance she could, or putting her hand on my knee when we were in the car together.

At the office I brought my work into the conference room where she was putting spec books together. She told me later she really like it. We talked, joked, and worked.

On the way home we had two stops. One was a close friend, a training partner, who had emergency surgery to have some of his small intestine and part of his colon removed. My wife used to be a home health care nurse and she dealt with this a ton. Again, she started talking loud to them, and real fast. But it was like a dam burst and all this knowledge came rushing out. My friend and his wife were amazed and began asking a lot of questions and for advice. They loved that she came with me and wants her to come to their house when he gets out of the hospital. It was pretty amazing.

After that we went to pick up one of her NA friends to take her home from her sponsors house. We talked about her meetings and how real they were and the fact that our oldest daughter loves to go with her. She says she learns so much. Again, this is life. This is real. I told my wife, if it was okay with her and her sponsor, I'd like us all to come and sit with her while she chairs a meeting. Our daughter's boyfriend too. He deals with a mother who drinks and was in an abusive relationship because of drinking. She loved the idea.

We picked up the young girl, who looked 20 years older than she said, and took her home. She talked about having to walk anywhere she needs to go, her mother who is in a wheelchair and on drugs, her little boy who was taken from her, and the day to day life of wanting to use. Life.

At home we collapsed. Our girls were on us about everything. No hugs, no kisses, no hellos, just needs and wants and complaints. Kids. Life. The good of it was they are very helpful around the house. It was clean. The beds were made. The dishes were washed and put away. Laundry? "You didn't tell us to do that." It looked like they cleared their closets and threw everything in the laundry room. Kids. Life.

So we started the laundry, ate, watched a little AFV, showered, fooled around, collapsed again, and falling asleep pretty fast. Life.

This morning I commuted by bike to use the morning as a training session. I have a five day, five stage race next week. The ride is two and a half hours one way in the dark. Just me, some music, the clear starry sky, and a smile on my face.
Life. And I wouldn't change it in for a new one.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2172694 - 07/30/11 03:07 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3744
Originally Posted By: tpc1977

Yesterday was one of those good days. I felt relaxed and easy going.


Kinda like you were when you first started dating ?

How did the dynamics of that day/night play into the confidence you displayed ?

I think you are finding your faith, and letting it lead your actions.

I kinda like the good updates...

: )

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#2172874 - 07/31/11 12:41 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: Mach1]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Just in the past few days (maybe a week) things have really changed. She's more open to talk. She's been really close and romantic. If I don't show her attention, she'll make sure I know she's there.

We went out with my siblings and their significant others last night and afterward decided to go to Wal-Mart for a few things. Our kids were out with friends so we had time to be close and talk. After parking the car we sat and she wanted to talk. It feels as though she needs reassurance or something. It feels really strange to me.

For fifteen minutes we talked about us, our future, our kids, her change of mind, lots of things. Her dam broke and everything came pouring out. Apparently, this trip to her sisters really gave her a change of heart.

Trying to push Paranoid Mind down.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2173062 - 08/01/11 11:41 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
cat04 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/31/09
Posts: 2237
Tpc,

I have been reading along...

You have some of my favorite posters here...

From a woman's perspective...

A woman who has had an affair...

Stop the monsters in your head...

They will be the downfall of this...

Your W did something horrible and hurtful...

She really is unsure if you can forgive her. She realizes that she has damaged your ego tremendously (hindsight is an amazing thing). She more than likely doesn't feel like she deserves to be loved by you or anyone else for that matter.

She really does need reassurance right now.

I know it doesn't seem fair, since she broke your trust, but it is how women work...it is one of those male/female differences...

I have come to believe that affairs affect men and women very differently. But in the end, in order to move past it, women seem to want the same result (whether they were the cheater or were cheated on).

To feel accepted and loved by their man. To know that they are wanted.

Your texts to her are helping her to feel that. Your physical attraction to her is helping her to feel that. (Although I will caution you, you have to show her in more than just a sexual way or she will probably begin to feel it is just her body you are after).

Those monsters, are going to be your downfall. Vent them here, and let them go.

There is nothing that she is going to do in the short term that can make them go away for you.

That takes time as well as you getting rid of them.

Keep doing what is working.
_________________________

"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox

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#2173251 - 08/01/11 09:12 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: cat04]
Bworl Offline
Member

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 2895
Loc: North Carolina
Stay strong and stay on the course you've already established.


Flashes of positives/success is not a sign for you to relax.


Your mindset has been the key so far. When you've kept it on things you CAN control, you've seen good things. It doesn't always work that way, you know?



Glad that you are getting positive feedback.


Doesn't change the work that you've been doing on YOU though, right?



Blessings,

Bill
_________________________
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

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#2173411 - 08/02/11 12:40 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: Bworl]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
No relaxing.

I have to try and stay on top of my game here. This isn't just about her, it's about making positive changes for me. These changes have not been fully ingrained into my being.

I do want my wife to know that she is just not an object, or a prize, I'm trying to win. She needs to know how I truly feel about her, about her emotions, about her healing, about her pain.

Every morning I'm reading a devotional for those who live with or deal with addicts on a daily basis. There is a ton of insight and motivation in this book. Though I've just started reading it, I feel it has helped my understand her and her issues better. It's easy to attach a label to her and call her an addict. But what do I gain?

Because I did not throw in the towel I believe I have just started the fight. Each morning I wake up not really knowing what she's thinking, what mood she will be in, when she may want to give up herself. Just last night we were doing touch up work on some of the painting we did the night before. I could tell she was agitated. The smallest task had her upset with herself. I suggested we stop. We did.

Soon thereafter we went to bed to read and relax. I told her that when I feel irritated and grouchy but have a training session planned I soon realize that I need to back off, maybe even skip the session. If I try to push through it I usually have a horrible session then it starts the whole day off on a sour note. "Let's just relax and read something to get our minds off things."

She did. What she wanted to do was to begin "Step 2" in her NA program. However, her and her sponsor never finished "Step 1" together. This was going to be trouble, I knew it. "Have you and Karen finished Step 1 yet?"

"No." She closed her notebook and NA book clearly upset. "I'm not suppose to be starting this yet. She told me not to until we finished the first step. It's just that I have so many things undone right now and I can't get my mind off of them." All our clothes have been laying around the house, in several rooms, on hooks hung on our doors. Until the closet is complete there's no reason to start hanging close in it.

"Look, it's getting late. There's really nothing we can do right now until morning. Just relax. We'll get it done. And you have all day tomorrow to do anything you want." I put down my stuff and picked up the TV remote. I flicked through some channels until I found something we both liked. She slid over next to me and put her head on my shoulder. I held her and we started watching our show. Soon, I could tell her mind was slowly ridding itself of the clutter and she was beginning to talk to me about the show.

Coincidentally, the show was about hoarders. My wife used to be a home health care nurse. Many times she found herself in houses just like this. And weirdly enough, every lady on TV that had a hoarding problem was associated with nursing somehow. We both found it amusing - in an odd sort of way. But we talked and joked and she seemed to relax and just enjoy us being us without much hindrance.

One of our daughters stayed at a friends. They started cheerleading camp this week and we riding together. Every morning I talk to her and encourage her to be the best she can, not to quit, and show them all that she was the best. This morning in particular she called me and I could tell she was tired and/or nervous. For at least 5 years now she cheered for a Pop-Warner football team. She was good. She could pick up the moves and jumps easily. There are some areas she struggles with but we are trying to break through them. By the end of our conversation, and my encouragement, her tone changed. It sounded like she was excited to go.

My oldest daughter was home but invited a friend to come over. Her cheer camp starts later this week. She's been cheering for maybe 8 years or so. Now in high school and on the varsity squad, she's hit the big time. She's also a flyer. Yikes! She is that good though.

My wife decided to let me go to sleep. I was dozing off and wanted to get up early to train for these huge races I have coming up. It's gotten the better of me. It's been 2 months since I've toed the line and I'm nervous. Now I have 5 races in 5 days and my mind is all over the place about it. My wife told me that she wished I was more in the mood to race. But how could I be, really? For the past 7 months I've tried to focus on something more urgent and more important. "I'm not too worried. I'm going to treat them like training. Hold on as best as I can and try not to expect anything. Just have fun."

What a load I was feeding her and myself. I'm very competitive and it's killing me knowing I'm no where close to being ready. I'm racing against some of the fastest guys in the state and it's going to be pretty nasty. Gulp.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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