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#2174507 - 08/05/11 09:00 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
What is the appropriate way to deal with your spouse when you know they're cranky - have been for a while - and won't talk to you about it?

My wife has been real ill since yesterday. Short with me. Lost that sweetness in her voice. Don't know why.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2174511 - 08/05/11 09:52 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3547
I would maybe approach that as.....

Get it out of your head, that this has anything to do with you, and that she is not feeling well....

Offer to be there if she needs anything....

Aything less than your actions leading the way, will lead to Word War III

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#2174516 - 08/05/11 10:08 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: Mach1]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
I'll remember that.

Today's tough for both of us. I'm trying to stay positive and energetic but am really tired after two stages of this 5 stage race. I think getting home late is bothering her. But when I'm there it's all about her. She's been helpful and really wanting me to just relax despite the fact that I have a ton to get ready for the next day.

She gets my bottles, gets them ready, takes my stinky clothes to the wash, pops me a beer, and tells me to shower and relax. It's the most I've seen her do for me like this since I started racing. She's really into it. But, like I said, the time away from each other has been difficult.

Today, before I head out to another race, I'm going home to have lunch and lay down with her for a bit. Totally, make her feel like a queen if I can.

She keeps texting me that she misses me. Hopefully that's why she's ill. That's a positive thing, right? If she misses me and needs me. Unlike before where my time away from her was what she wanted to do her thing.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2174519 - 08/05/11 10:38 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3547
Originally Posted By: tpc1977
I think getting home late is bothering her.


Maybe you should ask her ?

She seems open to you, now should be the time when you start really communicating what you are thinking - or assuming she is thinking.

SHOW her a different way, instead of falling back into old patterns ???

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#2174524 - 08/05/11 10:55 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: Mach1]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Yeah. I will talk to her when I get home and we're face to face.

I'm still unsure of how to approach her sometimes. I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing or saying the wrong thing. I don't want to push or pursue. I don't want to be clingy or naggy. But I don't want to be distant either. Trying to follow the DB rules and such can be confusing when things are different.

She's been encouraging me to continue to race but maybe she's speaking something totally different from what she's thinking. Leaving here in a bit and I'll find out.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

Top
#2175341 - 08/08/11 07:29 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
My 5 day stage race is done. I did really well; placed in a couple races, got in the top 10 overall, and brought home cash from my winnings to have some extra for our beach trip.

I have been exhausted but tried to show nothing but happiness and confidence at home. Through most of the week, while I was racing, my wife was in an emotional slump. It took me a few days to finally get her to open up and talk but when she finally did it seemed to help. One thing I expressed was that when she says she doesn't know what's wrong, that she just feels down, it doesn't help either of us. I'm not sure if that was good or bad of me. I told her opening up and letting these feelings out can help us both understand what the issues may be. For me it was a better connection between us and a halt on the paranoia I posses due to her infidelity. For her it helped to maybe see how her problems are not as magnified when they come out in the open. After a lengthy talk, the atmosphere seemed to clear. We both felt so much better and we became closer.

That was until the last day of my race. The night before she told me she wanted to come out and watch me. There were two issues at hand.

One, since it was my cycling team that was hosting this large event, I had to go help set up. Which meant getting there before the sun came up. It also meant that we would be out there in the heat most of the day until my race finished and sometime later when I collected my winnings.

Secondly, there were internal problems I had. All season I have had a lot of my teammates, friends, and team leader tell me I was going to be the "Go-To" guy in the races. I had a real good start of the season and it looked like I was on top of it. So a large burden was placed on my shoulders to succeed. I hate that! My fitness has been up and down with large swings. Especially in the light of my marriage problems. Mentally and physically I get stuck in deep holes where I do really poor. She expressed that it sounded almost as if I didn't want her to come. I told her the truth: There were mixed feelings. I wanted her to be there but only if I was going to have a great race and she could see me do well. Since it was the last race I really didn't expect anything. My legs were dead. I was tired. The competition was the stiffest in years and everyone was fighting hard for points.

I don't know why I cannot do well when a weight like that is on my shoulders. It taxes me mentally and my performance suffers. After a while of talking about it she told me that she understood and didn't want to burden me. I told her I wanted her to come regardless.

4:30 AM: I get up and begin preparing for the day making bottles of water, sports drinks, protein, extra food, packing clothes, preparing bike, getting numbers pinned. I get my wife up and she comes out on the couch. She's quiet while I prepare, eat, try to wake up, and collect myself. "I don't think I'm going," she says through apparent fatigue. She is not, and has never been, a morning person. Me? I can leap from bed at 3am like someone plugged me into an outlet.

"Why?" I ask.

"Well, I don't want you to feel that way if I come and (youngest daughter) wants to come but (oldest daughter) doesn't. It's going to be best if I stay home."

"Oh." I was sad and relieved. Confused. Why was I feeling such a heavy weight off my shoulders. I should be more upset and talk her into going but I felt lighter. If I had a terrible race then she wouldn't witness it and I could just call her and make excuses as to why. "Are you sure? I really would like you to go."

"I know. But I think it would be the best."

"OK. I understand." I sat down and looked at her. Immediately I could tell something else was on her mind. Looks like I was going to have to hitch up the pulley system and start cranking out her true issues. Silence while I thought about what to say. Nothing came to mind. "Can you tell me what's on your mind?"

"I don't know."

"Was it about last night?"

"Some. I guess."

"What else?" I fully expected her to put a brake on my pulley system, but she helped crank it.

"I though we were going to have sex last night. You talked about it but nothing happened." That was true. I did want to be romantic but after our conversation things sort of put an end to it for me.

(more later)
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

Top
#2175371 - 08/08/11 10:29 AM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
MHL Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/09
Posts: 1349
TPC,
Just catching up.......

It seems like you are doing a great job of "multitasking"...

I am encouraged by your support of your W.......

It is a testiment to your Love for her......

Just as you are battling your internal struggles she is too....

I think it was said before or your W may have said it herself, she does not "feel" worthy of your love, so how you you possibly want to be with her.

Could be that the intimacy is a confirmation that you do want to be with her, you do love her, you do forgive her, and that she is INDEED.......WORTHY.

You can not make her "feel" worthy.....

however

You can do the things that she is worthy of......

and from where I stand you are.

Make sure you know what her love language is.......if you have not read "The 5 Love Languages" yet, I highly recomend it.

hang in there...

Cheers
_________________________
Formerly known as "missherlove"

Me43 XW43
M17 T19
S10 D14

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison

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#2176839 - 08/11/11 04:17 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: MHL]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
I've been pretty weak the past few days. My mind easily dredges up what happened and it stabs me pretty hard.

I think mainly from last weeks races. I just overdid it and now I'm suffering in other areas.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

Top
#2176847 - 08/11/11 04:30 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: tpc1977]
MHL Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/09
Posts: 1349
Originally Posted By: tpc197
My mind easily dredges up what happened and it stabs me pretty hard.


Are you referring to the affair??
_________________________
Formerly known as "missherlove"

Me43 XW43
M17 T19
S10 D14

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

~Jim Morrison

Top
#2176849 - 08/11/11 04:54 PM Re: I may be walking away if there's no light of hope [Re: MHL]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Yes. It's been tough the last couple of days.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

Top
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