She text me today and told me she was feeling real needy. Then she said it was something she needed to work on - for herself.
Right now she's with some friends at a restaurant. I can't lie and say I'm a little worried but I didn't show it in the least bit. I just made sure she had everything she needed and told her to have a wonderful time.
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
I'm no where close to being comfortable with her gone most of the evening. My mind warps reality into nightmarish "what-ifs." When she's in a certain mood and has become distant emotionally, or gone and become distant physically, I fall off the program.
Even now, she seems distant - just emotionally - and I'm taken back by it. Wondering. Contemplating. Making up things in my head. These are the times I need to be strongest. These are the times I need to show courage and strength and confidence. Not only for her but for me.
Today there will be a lot going on. I'm racing this evening and won't be home until late. My wife is working this afternoon then has to go to her NA meeting. One of my daughters will be working so she won't be home. My youngest will be alone and she hates it. We have to try and figure out what she can do or who can watch her until my wife gets home later. With so much going on my wife sound stricken by worry and/or doubt. Or is that my mind making it so?
What I need to do is step up and make sure everything is taken care of for my wife so she feels less stressful. Or should I let her figure some of it out so she can have some of the independence she misses?
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
My mind warps reality into nightmarish "what-ifs." When she's in a certain mood and has become distant emotionally, or gone and become distant physically, I fall off the program.
Even now, she seems distant - just emotionally - and I'm taken back by it. Wondering. Contemplating. Making up things in my head. These are the times I need to be strongest. These are the times I need to show courage and strength and confidence. Not only for her but for me.
Originally Posted By: tpc1977
What I need to do is step up and make sure everything is taken care of for my wife so she feels less stressful. Or should I let her figure some of it out so she can have some of the independence she misses?
A LOT of what you talk about in that first quote is much of what I have to say here.
I would advise you to go with option B on this.
She NEEDS to figure her things out on her own as well. She is going to have emotional ups and downs , that is part of her journey through this.
Your consistant actions of showing love to her, will show through.
This is the connection that she needs to FEEL from you, that you are there for her. Whenever SHE is ready to talk about that.
Those monsters in your own head ???
Are you seeing any signs that they should still be there ?
Try to not let your faith dwindle when she appears to draw back, those times will happen during her reconnection process.
That time is for her ...
Try to reflect how far you have come, and the good times you have already experienced, to guide you through those rough nights.
No. The monsters are from my past. I've had a lot of bad crap happen to me throughout my life and I sort of expect it. Pessimist, huh? Or realist?
Today has just been one of those days and I need to be prepared for them. I put my guard down slightly and I see the effects now. Never. Put. Your. Guard. Down.
I'm standing strong, though. Pushing away the neediness and holding fast to confidence. I do slip, however. Sometimes it's easy to fall prey to my weak, initial thoughts and actions. The man I used to be.
I'm cool. I have a lot on my plate this week and I just need to be on top of it all and be confident, caring, kind, and loving.
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
Sorry I didn't respond sooner. I left early to go race. Did pretty good last night but killed myself to do it. With so much going on I really wasn't motivated to get on the bike and beat myself up with dozens of other spandex-clad, shaven-legged, beasts. But after I was so glad I did. It takes nights like last night to prove why I'm competitive. I know how to suffer. I know how to push it down and grind my teeth to keep it at bay.
Holding 12th currently in the stage race. With four more races to go, I'll probably try to maintain top 20 just not to overdo it and push myself over the edge. Plus, it will keep my mind motivated to finish the series.
Anyway, Mach, I do need to find the root of my issues. One of the largest roots, one I've started really dealing with in my 30s, was my childhood relationship with my father. It was volatile. He was a drinker and drug user. He was physically abusive to my mother and to me - but not as much. When he was home, and not on some bender, he was loud and violent. Through the years he settled down on the physical abuse but increased his verbal abuse to the nth degree.
All I can remember about him during my youth was how incompetent, useless, and disappointing I was. He called me a momma's-boy, a queer, a worm. He always told me that as soon as I turned 18 he was going to take me out back and beat the sh** out of me. He told me that a lot and I lived in fear from it. I hid from him as much as I could During the summer if I was home and he'd drop by for lunch I would hide under the bed or in the closet and when I though it was safe I would climb out my window and run. Mainly because he would shove, kick, or slap me if I wasn't doing something he thought was useful around the house. You know, instead of being a kid?
My mother rarely stood up for me out of fear. I have an older sister (half-sister) who stayed with grandparents a lot. When that stopped after many years she stayed with friends. He barely did anything to her for whatever reason. My youngest brother received some, but to me, it didn't seem to equal what I got. I think because I wanted to rescue my mother from this and I developed a specific relationship with her that he was jealous of.
Now, many, many years later my father has settled down some. Some. He's still pretty abusive to my mother verbally. Though, after a joint or two he seems pretty mellow and easy to deal with. Weird as it sounds, all our family still hangs out. We cookout a lot and have a good time. I go mainly for my siblings and mother. There have been a few times where I left because of what mood my father was in or just the uncomfortable atmosphere.
Just last weekend, he was in one of those moods and I looked at my mother and said, "If he's going to be an ass****, I'm leaving." My family was out of town so I could easily just walk - and I wanted to. All these pains from my childhood came rushing in when I heard the way he was talking to my mother. She's gotten strong enough or deaf enough to ignore it. However, they real in so much utter anguish in me.
Several minutes later, and after a good joint, he was fine as angel hair. So much so, that when we were sitting down to eat, he looked at me and said, "I know you hate me just as much as I hated my old man." I didn't respond. I didn't want to lie and I didn't want to tell the truth. I shrugged and went on to eating.
For a few years now he's been wanting to warm up to me. For whatever reason. Hell, I don't know. And I don't care either. I have so much unforgiveness in my heart that it would take years of therapy to clean it out. Why the F does he care to resolve all these issues now? Not once has he come up to me and asked for forgiveness.
That brings up a point about God. Something that I've struggled with. God forgives us when we admit we have sinned and asked Him to cleanse us, right? Does God forgive us if we don't ask for it? Are we clean if we don't think we've done anything wrong?
Should I forgive my father if he doesn't think he needs it or doesn't think he's done anything to hurt me? I don't know. All I do know is that I don't forgive him - yet. I can't even look at him really. I can't talk one on one with him like a normal father and son. I can't take any advice from him because he's such a loser. Can't hold a job. Leaches from everyone. Drinks. Takes drugs. Lies. Fabricates.
I guess there's so much in me that I've never really allow to rid myself of. This is one of the main ones.
Then there's school, my peers, past relationships, etc. But I'll save those for a later day.
Right now, I just want to enjoy the fact that I'm racing again and did pretty well last night.
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
I went to church last night, which I haven't done in a few weeks, and the sermon (if you want to call it that, which only lasted about five minutes) was about just this topic...
Forgivness is hard. Possibly the hardest lesson we learn while we are on this planet.
It isn't for the people who hurt or offended us.
It isn't absolution.
It isn't for God or to be good or "Godly".
It is for US.
Forgiving someone, does NOT erase, negate, or alter what they did to us. It does NOT make their behavior ok.
It frees us from it though. Frees us from all of the negativity, pain, and damage that we cause ourselves by holding onto the hurt we feel.
A person doesn't need to ask for forgivness in order to receive it. From us or from God.
God forgives us immediately. Not when we ask for it. He grants us forgivness whether we ask for it or not.
We FEEL that forgivness when we ask for it, when we have forgiven ourselves for whatever our misdeed was, and when we are truly open to receiving that forgivness.
It is already there, waiting for us to WANT to receive it.
Should you forgive your father...
For yourself, I say yes.
Should you expect that he ask for it first? No.
You forgive, because you don't want to carry around the past with you anymore.
You forgive, because you want your heart and mind to be free of the effects of the past.
Forgivness is simple yet it is hard.
Forgivness is freeing.
Forgivness opens our hearts and minds to all of the gifts that God has in store for us.
Forgivness is for YOU.
Ask Him, He will help you.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I will work on it and be in prayer about it continually. Not to ask if I should forgive but to relieve my self from the grudge and unforgiveness I posses.
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
Let me answer one at a time. I'm short on it so I can't delve into it too deeply. I have to leave shortly to get ready for racing.
1.How much of your life, have you lived with that fear that you would be like your father?
My whole adult life I have seen pieces of my father come out of me. Especially when I get agitated or impatient. Those times - especially in the recent past - I would become like him to a degree. I've never been physical or use hardcore verbal abuse.
All this even though I knew how wrong I was and how much like him I was. When my wife pointed it out I would become flushed with even more anger. Forcefully, I would hold it in. Soon after I would feel overwhelming guilt.
There are things in my life that I cannot control, even now, because of how deeply ingrained they have become. Some things that I don't want to talk about here, really.
One thing I fight constantly with but have gotten a good control over is substance abuse. Ironic, huh? What I'm dealing with at home. My mom and dad were users. My dad still is. My wife is. But I could easily be. I shy away from certain things because of several reasons: Not being like them - the constant failures and pains it brings, the fact that I want to be clean for my sport (I can be tested on a whim), and noticing how easily I like popping pills. I was given Vicodin after a nasty crash I had where I broke my hand in several places and needed surgery. One Vicodin later and I was hooked. Just like that. I loved them. It took me several weeks to come off of them fully and it was a horror. Now anytime a DR asks me if I want a prescription for pain meds I decline.
Do I fear it? Yes. I live it and it's frightening as hell. I'm working on controlling the tendencies and have a pretty good grasp on it - now. But it's 2 feet below the surface and can jump out any second. (Think: "Friday the 13th" when the lone surviving, young girl was out on the tranquil pond in a row boat. She was coming back from the nightmare she endured and found herself alone and confused. Sitting up, she began looking around trying to figure it out. Suddenly Jason jumps from the water and drags her over to the deep below.) That's how I feel sometimes. I could be taken under any minute. Dramatic as it sounds. It's true.
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
